I need some ideas on how to help a fellow I met at a church group that deals with people going through divorce and separation. I empathize with this guy as we have talked and discovered how similar our spouses have behaved through this whole process. I am posting here on his behalf because he lives in a rural area and does not have internet access.

Bob is in his mid 50�s and has been separated for a couple of years. He moved out of his house �to give her space� (at her request). I told him about this site and suggested that was not what he should have done, but that train has left the station. He is still in love with his wife and would like to reconcile with her.

However she now has a boyfriend. His wife has done some traveling with the boyfriend and he is just devastated. He has been very nice to her in an attempt to convince her to come back. She has kept in touch with him and has indicated there are several areas in the new boyfriend is not meeting her needs. Recently his wife was visiting his daughters place and broke down in the kitchen crying saying she was wondering what she was doing. She then stated she wondered if she should go back to her husband. Of course this encouraged him. I am not totally sure but I think the two of them got physical the last time they got together, and he is even more encouraged.

The next time the husband talked to her he asked her if she would consider reconciling. She told him she missed many of the things about their relationship. She felt secure with him, they had history together, they had children together, and she enjoys talking to him. The new boyfriend apparently is not very communicative but she enjoys the fact that he is a �rugged� guy, handsome, not a very good communicator, but she has fun with him because of the recreational activities they do together.

She tells him she is confused. She told him she is going to give it six months and she will then make a decision. She says she cannot come back right now as she will always wonder if she would be missing out on �finding her happiness� if she cuts this relationship short, and she said she needs to know that if she comes back she has to come back 100 per cent, otherwise she will always be wondering.
She has now suggested to the husband have no contact with her for a while, so she is forced to have the boyfriend meet all of her needs. She feels this will help her decide what to do. She told him that she thinks this will shorten the decision cycle as she told him by seeing him some of the emotional needs the boyfriend is not meeting are being met by her husband, and this is prolonging the affair.

The husband is hurting. He said to me she feels she is not in an affair as they were separated when she found this guy online. He has questioned her about her doing this when she professes to be a Christian, and how can she reconcile this with her faith. Her response is, she could not do the marriage any longer, she knows she has fallen short, but she says to him God understands, and she knows God wants her to be happy. However she tells Bob that �maybe� she still loves him, and he may be the one she needs.

The husband Bob, cannot comprehend how she can continue on like this as this boyfriend is a dry alcoholic with a rather chequered past of womanizing. He is quite a bit older, than his wife, and most of his friends are pot smokers. The husband Bob is wondering what has happened. He is even further devastated because he saw some of her emails telling one of her friends that she thinks she is in love with the boyfriend but feeling guilty about what the she is doing to her husband.

Here is where I got confused. Since it seems to me it looks like Bob is in a sustained Plan A and he is willing to continue, it is his wife that is suggesting he do what sounds like Plan B to her, should I suggest to him that he have no contact with her? Because it is her idea is it a good move to comply with her wishes or should he keep on being nice to her in an attempt to win her back?
I can print out any responses and give them to him.

Blessings
BCBoy

Here is what Bob's WW is really saying:

"Even though we're still married, I want you to step aside while I spend some good quality time dating and scr*wing another man. But while I'm doing that, I want to know that you'll be my backup plan and safety net in case it doesn't work out. So, just sit here and wait quietly for me while I go out and act like I'm single even though I'm still your WIFE. Thanks, honey! It's really great having both a husband and a boyfriend!"

Does this sound like a man that any woman would respect?

A man who agrees to meekly step aside and wait while his WIFE goes off for sex with another man, because she might be mad at him if he doesn't, sends the clear message that he is too timid and CARES TOO LITTLE to bother fighting for her or fighting for her marriage. Nope - he'll just roll over and let another man move right in.

Ask Bob one question: "Bob, your wife has already left you to drop her panties for another man. Just how could this situation be any worse than it already is? What are you afraid of?"

Women do not love men that they can't respect. Since Bob has so little respect for himself, there is no way his wife will ever respect him - not if he agrees to her "plan".

Mulan
I hear what you are saying. It is her plan for no contact. That is why I am posting here. What course of action should Bob take? It surprised me that it is his wife that suggested what looks like Plan B. Any ideas? He wants to reconcile.

BCB,

A very interesting and very difficult situation. That is for sure. When I was reading the thread the thought that kept coming to my mind was something my father told me 4 or 5 decades ago. He said to, "never take a job I wasn't willing to quit." I thought that was an odd thing for him to say as my father was a huge proponent of people doing what they promised and going the extra mile to keep those promises.

When put into the context of marriage and marriage vows the statement seems even harder to understand. But, over the years I think I know what he was telling me. And as was usual with him it was complex and far deeper than it sounded at the time.

He was telling me that I needed to understand that I could not change people, and that when those people fail me, I need to understand when it is time step back. I also interpreted what he said as telling me I should NEVER put all of my life in a single persons hand and expect them to make me happy or even be free from failure. Without turning this thread into a religious discussion, I think he is right. There are no mortal humans that should be expected to provide us a life, happiness, and support in all circumstances. Our spouse's come closet but even they cannot be expected to provide this.

So why am I talking about this and your thread? I am talking about this because it is clear to me that your friend needs to address what HE has done to make his life good. He needs to address what HE has done to make himself happy. He needs to address what HE has done that other people will respect. I mention this because his W is playing games and clearly other than her own self-interest has no interest in him. That much is clear.

It is also clear that neither his W nor he know what a marriage is. Even separated they are married and she is and continues to commit adultery. Biblically, that is the only reason to divorce. I don't know if he is a religious man, but whether he is or isn't he should be consider divorce. He should consider addressing his life and making it something he is proud of and enjoys.

So to that end, if he were my friend I would tell him to go to a very dark plan B. I would also suggest that he file for divorce. If it takes a year or so in his state, then do it soon. If it only takes 6 months, then I would give plan B about 4 months and then file. His W will have the time she requested, but she will also have consequences if she delays. Frankly, if he isn't willing to leave, he will not be bringing much back to the table IF she ever gets beamed down from the "mothership".

I presume that he has exposed to all family, church and relatives. If not you should encourage him to do this and then he should go dark, plan B dark.

He is in a tough situation and in my opinion the best way out is through a door he creates rather than an illusion that his W creates.

Hope this helps,

JL

Exactly.


I agree.

People are either married or they're not. Trying to have some half-way situation is guaranteed to end in destruction. The "marriage", what's left of it, will simply be starved to death and die of neglect.

Bob can't have it both ways and neither can his WW.

JL
I find it comforting when I hear you express this is a difficult situation. I was really struggling on what to tell him. He loves his wife. He seems to me a really sincere and nice guy. I feel badly for him as this has devastated him. He quoted to me the scripture about a man should not divorce his wife, and went on to say how God hates divorce and how he wants to reconcile. He is hurting to see how this has impacted his children.

I told him that he may need to look at divorce. He looked ashen. I thought he was going to throw up, as he told me no one in his family has ever been divorced. He told me every family has problems and it he told me that he thinks people just need to work through the problems.

I told him it did not look like his wife was showing much interest. And he said to me that she said that she will be making her decision in six months, and he did not think this relationship could last. He felt she would come to her senses and would come back to the marriage. He told me that he took a vow before God that he would love her "until death". He said he takes that very seriously. And he is praying that God will open her eyes and bring her back.

I don't know what to say. I do understand how painful it is for him, but I am no expert. But I know that there are many good minds and ideas here, so that is what I am trying to do, help another wounded soldier.

I would say to Bob that he tell his wife that she can have the boyfriend, and that he will NOT wait for her.

She is cake eating.

Tell Bob to immediately cut off all financial assistance to the wife. If he is giving her any money, he is FUNDING THE AFFAIR, and their lovely little trips together. STOP THAT.

Put the house up for sale.

Protect Bob's assets.

Cut off her cell phone if he is paying for it, cancel the credit cards that are in both names, and take the cars that are in Bob's name.

If she REALLY wants this OM to "meet all of her needs", LET HIM. That means finances, too, so have at it, Bubbo.

Not one red cent to her.


Then, go very dark Plan B, letter and all. Explain in the letter why Bob cut off the bucks - because SHE WANTS OM to meet her needs, and Bob AGREES. Tell her Bob will be waiting on the other side if she decides, but will not wait forever. If she thinks Bob's a doormat, she will wipe her feet on him. If she thinks Bob will stand up to her, she might very well look up to him.

Your choice.

SB

Thank you Schoolbus
I phoned Bob and read the responses to him. He told me he has already separated the finances legally last year via a separation agreement. So she got her portion already. Part of the settlement is he has to pay her a monthly amount until this summer (alimony is guess)

He took the news and sighed audibly into the phone. He perhaps knows this is what he must do.

He expressed to me this has been the greatest test to his faith. He knows he could divorce her if he chooses. He has every right. His struggle is the story of Hosea and that his faith is based on one of forgiveness, he sighted the prodigal son story.

He is not pleased with the situation he finds himself in. He is like many of us who is concerned about the loneliness, and longing for things to magically turn into being a happy family once again. He told me he keeps on thinking he will wake up one day and this will all have been a bad dream.

I told him how I believe in the principles of MB, and they seem to prove successful in many cases. He shared with me that it is hard to know which is the right way to go as there seems to be a multitude of opinions and ideas within the Christian community. He then told me one Pastor told him he needs to be patient and pray for his wife. To stand at the line of reconciliation and refrain from falling into sin.

He wanted me to tell the contributors thank you for their ideas and opinions.

IMHO HE should tell his W "you're right, we need to cut off all contact, this is not healthy" and then go to a full, pitch-black Plan B ~ without even the remotest form of contact (be assured she WILL try to contact him). He's already done somewhat of a Plan A if she is wavering so he must be good there.

He can write her a PBL that says just this and that he knows soon he will be ready to move on with this life and she will know when that is when D papers are served....and that the time isn't now but is coming soon, as he cannot wait forever.

Conversely, why not give him SH's number and suggest he have a session with an expert?

I'll never understand how someone could do this to themselves.

When your wife acts like an alleycat you toss a bucket of cold water on it!

It sounds like Bob is realizing that he has to protect himself from his WW. That's good. By all means encourage him to come here, if he will, and as MarriedForever said, maybe he could be persuaded to call the Harleys.

Bob's got to realize, though, that loving his WW and wanting her back is one thing. ENABLING HER ADULTERY is an entirely different thing.

The WW's idea of "Plan B" is really "Plan Backup". Bob should not allow himself to be used as a backup and safety net in case his wife can't work it out with her boyfriend. That would be a terrible and destructive way for him to live, and may well cause him to resent her enough that he won't want her back even if she does come to her senses. And yes, that does happen and the Harleys could explain it further.

It's obvious that WW doesn't really want Plan B in the sense of "I don't want to have any contact with you." She just wants "Just sit here and be quiet while I go off to scr*w my new boyfriend. You are my Plan Backup and you can be sure you'll hear from me when I want something, like money." What an awful way for anyone to live.

Bob would also be making it easy and comfortable for his wife to have an affair by giving that affair his support. I'm sure he does not want to be in that position, but he's going to have to stand up to his WW to get out of it. She is NOT going to do that for him.

See if Bob will come here. He would get much help and support, especially from BH who have been in his position and learned the hard way about what not to do.

As Bob does not have internet access, a session with Steve Harley is a must. Also, please provide him with the books or at least the names so that he can get them himself.

You are a good friend to him, BCboy.

God's Blessings,

Say