Hi -

I am starting a new thread over here (have one that has run it's course in SAA), and I am am looking for some advice.

I have decided to "cut bait" on my marriage, and get started on the next phase of my life.

Having reached this conclusion, I am tempted to take some time off work to complete this process. I am thinking of taking the summer off. My goals would be to get through the majority of the separation / D (if not all of it) and continue to improve myself. I have found it very stressful to "do it all", and my work is suffering. Plus, I am enjoying spending more time with my kids, and exercising etc... I feel I can make real progress with a little focus and breathing room. I feel I have made good personal progress recently, and I want to leverage this.

It is not a vacation, but a "time-out" to make reset myself and my situation in earnest.

I work for myself largely, and would spin down the majority of projects as gracefully as I can in the next 2-4 weeks. Obviously there is an impact financially, but I feel I can weather the storm and come out in a better position to do good work.

It pains me to do do mediocre / subpar work in all departments (personal and professional).

Obviously I am not 100% sure about this, so I would like your thoughts and 2x4s as warranted.

Thanks!

While I agree that taking a break after such an emotional roller coaster would probably be beneficial, you may want to speak with your lawyer first. Since child support and alimony are based on the earnings of both spouses, voluntarily making a reduction in income might look bad to a judge. It could appear an effort to reduce the amount of child support and alimony that might be ordered.

An involuntary reduction of income, such as losing a job or becoming disabled, is not held against the spouse, but taking time off for personal benefit will probably lead to judgments being assessed from the income level immediately prior to the income reduction. This might not be a problem for you, if you have a good bit of savings to make up the difference, but for someone living from paycheck to paycheck, it would not end well.

Yes, intentional impovershment would mean you would still pay what you would prior to the financial change. Would your kids suffer in any way from the change? Both with you, and with wife?

This is not a "fast one" to reduce obligations, although I could see how it might be construed that way, esp by WW. I would be upfront with her about that. It is just not my motivation.

I am not living paycheck to paycheck.

I think this would be best for the kids, as I would be much more available for them during the transition and over the summer when they are off school.

It would also allow me the time to focus on ending things properly, wrapping up as much as I can and doing personal work to set myself up for the future.

If you could, would you?

Hi, I'm no expert by any means, but one thing I did discover: even if you are upfront about motivation, sometimes people will misconstrue things to get the most benefit out of you they can. Even if they know the truth. Divorce makes people act in ways that you would never believe! Even people with supposedly exemplary character!

That said, in answer to your original question, you make a very good point about not wanting to be sub-par both at home and professionally... You still have a long road ahead of you... and it may be a long while before you're back at peak performance... have you thought about treading water best you can for now and then taking the time to do �personal work� once the divorce dust has settled?

Finally, this is unrelated to your question, but I like to post it from time to time for those who are considering divorce. This link takes you to an � Open Letter from a Divorce Lawyer � and is quite eye-opening for those who�ve never been through the process.

There is clearly a risk involved in this approach. However, I feel that if things go nuclear the more focussed and stable I am the better.

I do feel like I am treading water now, and I am considering continuing to do this. I know it will be along time before I am 100%, but I feel investing in myself early on may be worth it. I am not expecting this to fix all my problems, but I wonder if it will give me a good / better base to work from.

I am sure it is normal to feel overwhelmed (which I do), but since I have the option of relieving some pressure, I am tempted.

Thanks for the link to divorceinfo.com, lots of good info there.

I only ask because deciding to leave and filing for divorce were emotionally very hard. But the hardest part didn�t hit me til 4 or so months AFTER the divorce was final. Sounds like you have the means to indefinitely continue on a reduced income, but being military I wouldn�t have been able to do so. I DID have the means to take a whole month or two, and I really wanted to.

I�m thankful now that I went to work when I could, even when I preferred to stay home because I knew my work was sub-par and I�m typically known for excellent work. But if I had done so, I wouldn�t have had the leave I needed to take time off during the really tough days. Couple days here, couple days there got me through several hurtful months. Half a day here, and refusing to stay late over there (even though it meant reduced performance) so I could spend time with my little one paid dividends for him-and me-without a loss of quality of life (income).

The funny thing is, I discovered my reduced performance was still good enough to get the job done, just now I wasn�t �standing out� the way I really wanted. YMMV

I also work for myself. I ended up working at about 1/2 to 3/4 time through the roughest parts - which was from about June of last year through January. I agree with what others have said about legal advice ... though, emotionally, I don't think I could have worked at full pace and done a marginally decent job. It was good for me.

fwiw,

Kris

If I could, yes I would and I did. It's very hard for some people to seperate personal life from work, depending on the degree of the personal issue. I could not do my best at work during the end of my marriage so I eventually got cut to part time. Just had too many other things on my mind and I am controlled by my emotions. Some people aren't. I do live paycheck to paycheck and I still survived. Simply by the grace of God. He always provided for my needs. Now I'm through the worst part, been back to work almost a year and all is good.

Some great things to think about, thanks all.

I appreciate that I may want to take some time later. I don't know what I don't know, so it may be better to have some padding for later in the year. There is also the argument that building positive momentum early on helps.

Has anyone taken an effective "leave of absence"? This is one of the options I am considering, and it sounds like it is more common to scale back as opposed to "check out". And that might be the right answer!

Still thinking about it, thanks so much.

I think it depends on you. I personally like some structure. If you are in charge of your workload, why not work partime at least?

First, depending on what state you are in, your divorce could take a very long time.
Second, as soon as you separate, you will find yourself with BIG blocks of empty time. This happens even if you have 60% custody. Loneliness is an issue during separation, even more so than divorce because many people choose not to date until after the divorce is settled and they are good emotionally. The "good emotionally" happens sometime after you've been through all the "first." First Christmas alone, first birthday, first summer vacation.
The way to fill time and get some human interaction is to work. And to get your new abode set up. And to work on the endless documentation you'll need to provide.

Also, I worry about what may happen financially in the next couple of years. I'm not sure I'd readily give up work.

Maybe I am odd, but I do not worry too much about finding work. I have always been able to make it happen, and I am currently almost overloaded. However, I appreciate a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.

I worry about my ability to perform to the level I need to both personally and professionally. They seem at odds at the moment.

Currently, I get much the most happiness from going to the gym, spending time with my kids, cleaning and renovating.

Work is not providing the same happiness payoff, and my motivation is affected, which leads to my performance anxiety. I am a high performance person, and it bothers me to be off my game, it is a bit of a compounding problem. Not to mention the fact that my reputation may be affected if I screw up!

However, the only way to confront the work performance issue may be to confront it as opposed to avoiding it.

At times, I also feel that I have worked hard for years, and deserve a short break.

I don't know! Thanks for your thoughts...

I say - do it and figure out the rest later.