... and I'm surprised how hard it is, though so much is better than it was last year.

He left without warning, saying he wasn't getting his needs met (ironic); I've never known for sure, but a pending affair seemed obvious. He was about 4 years sober, and I finally, finally actually trusted him. The betrayal I felt I don't have words for - I simply wanted to die.

But, of course, I didn't. I found my faith, and friends and then held on. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossession of the truck, all of that was ok - it was the cancer diagnosis that really changed things. I was dx'ed with stage-3 Hurthle Cell Carcinoma.

We continued with the divorce proceedings ... you'd think cancer might have woken his heart, but I guess not. Sometime in December, when I was preparing for my second surgery - I foolishly looked on his facebook page - where he was exchanging I-hearts with his "sweetie" and "baby" (he's 47 years old!). There's something about reality that is sobering.

Like others have written here, I really struggle grasping this person whom I trusted - who I loved. It is reprehensible, in my mind to have been I-hearting while I was fighting for my life. I seriously just don't get it. I can't seem to reconcile the two realities - the 17 years we had together and the struggle to get to the place where ... he just left. I do wonder about the consequences for people who leave a trail of destruction in their path ... it sure seems unfair from this vantage point. I feel victimized and harmed, and I don't write those words lightly. I'm not one to play victim, or not see my part in things ... this was just really bad!

I wonder what happens to him now? I know what happens to me. I am actually doing really well. My cancer is at bay, I have restored faith, and new friends and hope, a new home, a new vehicle, and people who love me - a decent career ... Yet, I can't pretend that I don't feel this deep, deep pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in some weird nightmare. It's tough to accept. Really tough - I think I'm stubborn and still fight the reality of it... because is hurts so much.

Best,

Kris

Hey Kris,

I am glad you wrote about your feelings, and I hope it helps to do so. I am grateful that you have have survived a serious health event, and have rebuilt a lot of your life successfully.

Have you tried individual counselling?

Be well.

What a horrible year for you. You sound remarkably well for it all, -despite that "deep, deep pain". Of course that's very normal, but doesn't make it any better. Problems with accepting, denial, reconciling the two realities, again, normal. All things I go through every day, and it's been a year for me too. Infidelity is hard enough without all the rest you've been suffering. I have no advice to offer, in the same boat, minus the cancer. (A huge difference.) Just be good to yourself. At some point, I imagine the questioning will stop for us both. I do feel some solice in the fact that I behaved well (barring a few minor incidents) and can hold my head up high. My ex, and yours, can never feel that way about themselves and will carry that damage with them. With all you've been through, you've certainly earned the right to be proud of yourself.

"I heart"ing while your suffering with cancer? What an insensitive jerk. He's her problem now.

Thanks for your kind words.

Though I suppose my story sounds like it was too much last year, weirdly, I think the cancer made things easier. Toward the end of last year, I truly did not know if I had weeks/months/years to live. I recall waiting for the head and chest scans to come back - and the doctors and I had no idea what they would find. The day after the scans came back - with no sign of cancer spread - I wept in gratefulness for the chance to keep breathing on earth. There is this perspective that comes when you are not only facing divorce - but death. The chance to live sure changed those intial feelings that came when my stbx first left of wanting to die


I also recall thinking my life is worth so much more than pining around for some seemingly God-less, honor-less man. And that remained how I felt for many months. However, now as the anniversary of the D-Day approaches, the pain from that time comes flooding back - in small little spurts. I didn't want this divorce. I really didn't. I would have done whatever it took to make things work - and the issues I think for him were about him - and not even really about me. It just seems destructive - which he has a history of being.

Oh well - I am truly excited about the chance to live, and maintaining my walk in faith. I sure struggle with forgiveness - I wish I was better at that, because some days I want the full wrath of God to drop my ex to his knees - and I know that's probably not "right" thinking. Thanks for the validation about the i-hearting thing. It was so painful, and my best friend doesn't seem to "get" why it pains me so. Everytime I think about it, it makes me really, really sad! I know I just need to move on. Sometimes are harder than others.

Oh - and yes, I did do some counseling in the beginning - quite a bit (and alanon, and divorcecare, etc.) Maybe if ths current wave of pain doesn't subside it would be a good idea again. Thanks for the thought.


Again, thank you - sometimes the kindness of strangers is so comforting.

Kris

Hi, Kris. I am sorry that you have had such sadness from your husband's selfish actions. I caught my husband of 33 years getting back together with his previous OW via phone and text. The EA was in full swing, and headed for a PA. I'd had repeated surgeries over the last two years, with so many complications. To discover that my husband was cheating again, even while proclaiming so much concern for me, was devastating.

I understand about the ihearting being so painful. Facebook has become a stage for unfaithful spouses to flaunt their cheating. The OW's picture on on her facebook is of my husband and her, on a cruise they took together. Nice, huh?

Having come through so much illness, I had no tolerance for cheating, and when I found out, I kicked him out that same day. There is no reason to waste a minute of life on people who suck your happiness and life away.

I understand how much pain you are feeling. And I would not worry too much about forgiveness right now. To me, forgiveness is something that is offered after the person STOPS the hurting, and wants to be forgiven. To offer forgiveness while they are still hurting you and denying the wrongness of their actions is like offering more bullets to a firing squad. It will only give him more room to hurt you.

Take care of yourself, give yourself the time you need to work through the hurt and concentrate on the things that make you stronger and replenish your soul.

Hi Ellen,

Thank you. I think you're right on many things ... first facebook. I think it is not only a stage for flaunting the newly found "love", but some feedback loop where the wrong looks right ... and the wrong seems like so much fun. It's a surreal world, and I really knew better than to look. Yet, I am glad I did. It makes me realize how broken his moral compass is - and despite my many mistakes in life, I'm just not that broken.

I am also sorry to hear that you've experienced similar pain. I hope your recovery - physically and emotionally is progressing.

I agree related to cheating - I have no tolerance for it - or really even ambivalence in marraige. I asked him to leave within 48 hours of figuring out the gist of it. Sometimes I imagine what words could come out of his mouth that would even be mildly comforting - and I can come up with none. Or, I try to think of what I could say that would have some meaningful impact ... There are no words to relieve this kind of betrayal - not to or from him anyway.

Finally - thanks for your pespective regarding forgiveness. I think I am trying to do too many emotional processes at once. I struggle with forgiveness and this idea of karmic /spiritual justice, while also trying to get through the pain of the process. It's too much and I don't think I can force myself to move to forgiveness in some timing when I think I should have it. It bugs me that lightning bolts aren't coming from the skies on him ... yet, perhaps they are and I just can't see it. Seems some justice is due .... guess I don't get to control that. sigh.

anyway - thanks again, and i hope your are beginning to thrive!

Kris