By the way there was no communication from him, so at least I don't have to worry about that. My kids said it looked like he had been living there and he checked his mail on Saturday. I just find it hard to believe that he's driving all the way back tonight and then back to work in the morning.

hope, go give her a big hug now!! The reason your boy thinks that is because his own father has not been around enforcing any discipline. Your little boy misinterprets order and discipline as "mean" because his dad is not there to keep him line. It is not because gpaw is "mean," but because his dad is not keeping any order. The child does not know the difference.

Your comment about your WH wanting to be "in control" of everything right now is really correct. He is working on the weakest link in the chain - your 14 year old. It is not a surprise to me that he is doing this. He understands teenagers, and knows that they tend to support the person they perceive as the underdog, or the person they believe to be "seeking their happiness". Chances are he has positioned himself with her as both of these - to embolden his stance and to get her on "his side". He is a pig, because he is manipulating her and HE KNOWS IT.

The way to fight this is with questions back to her.

When she comes to you standing up for him, do not fight or argue with her. Only ask her questions, and when she responds, don't argue - just nod your head and say things like, "I see" or "Maybe your perceptions are missing another point of view". Say nothing more, and do not engage her in any discussions regarding what she believes as her dad's needs or wants.

Your questions should be open-ended, and allow for her to state what she things aloud - because teens have a need to express ideas and hear their own opinions on things from their own mouths. Additionally, they want to be "heard", not corrected, guided, lectured, etc. If you present her with this open forum type of systematic listening, she will ultimately hear herself arguing "the wrong side"....and come to understand - without any help from anyone else - exactly what her father is doing and why it is wrong. You do not need to guide her, lecture her, or even stand your ground. It will amaze you.

When she stands up for him and chastises you for doing anything through this process, or criticises your stance:

Questions to ask sound like this...

I hear your disagreement with my approach. What would your approach be?

I understand you believe he is pursuing his happiness (or whatever the soup of the day is!), what do you believe happiness to be?

You're telling me that you believe it was incorrect for me to _____. Maybe you have heard of other ways to do this, and would like to offer me a suggestion for another way. Tell me your idea so I can hear what you have to say.

I can tell you are upset about ________. I want to know your ideas on what might repair things, or ways to better handle this situation.



After she responds, you only say things like:

Hmmmm.

I understand why you believe that.

Your life experience would probably lead you to believe that, so I do understand where you are coming from.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I guess we just disagree on this one.

I know that for now you are torn between me and dad. I love you, and at some point maybe you will want to hear why I feel the way I do. For now, I am happy you were able to share your feelings and ideas with me.



Don't engage in useless fighting with her. Everything you say and do goes straight back to him, and IT WILL BE TWISTED. Guaranteed. During your Plan B, you can actually Plan A him by being a terrific mother, and by working as strongly and lovingly as you can with your kids, and fighting to love DD14 through this mess and his terrible influence.


She will ultimately thank you for it.

And yes, I know, it is just one more stressful job to do - that you never would have had to do if not for his affair.


SB

Ok, things are better with mom...I explained that they all say this about my dad, heck even my brother and I did the same thing because my dad made us mind. We would torture my poor mother all week and then my dad ( a traveling salesman) would come home and lay down the law. My kids do mind better when husband is around so I'll have to be stronger with my discipline...more consistent.

Another issue, my DD14 came to me crying saying that she broke up with her boyfriend. She seemed very emotional, so I asked why? She said that he wants to kiss her all the time and it makes her uncomfortable. I told her no kissing. She can't date, but the boy goes to church with her and comes over to the house on church days before we leave for church. Anyway, she kept crying and then said, "I don't want you to think I'm a ho" My heart was about to break all over again. I said, "why what happened?" It took awhile, but she said that he touched her in private area. She said he asked and she just didn't say anything. She talked to me about how ashamed she felt and that she didn't want me to hate her. I told her that I was glad she told me, but that Chris could not be here at the house with her anymore. This happened with my mom, dad, myself here. She talked to me about how awful she felt and she didn't want to stay with someone who pressures her. There were alot of things said. I bought her a purity ring for Christmas because I want it to remind her of her commitment to God.

I hope I survive all this....I feel I'm losing control. My husband and I always stood together on these issues and now I have no one to discuss things with. I don't know what to do?

Boys told me that H talked with sister all weekend....trust me, she is not on my side even though I told her everything. I think she was trying to get information from me to take back to him. I don't trust her at all.

DS11 said to me that he thinks H is still in contact with OW. I asked him why and he said that he was talking to a woman on the way home while in the truck. He said it didn't sound like his aunt to him. I guess I'll never know what's going on anymore. How do I handle this telling me everything?

Well, they need to be able to talk to you about it, hope. Shame on your SIL. You aren't pumping them for information are you?

And I remember your brother telling me he was scared of your dad because he would open up a can of whoopass when he was bad!

Did they happen to know where he stays during the week?

He told them that he was driving back to the lake tonight. I just don't believe it. I am pumping a little I guess....it drives me crazy.

My son volunteered the information about OW. He said, "mom I think dad is still talking to other woman....and of course I said "why do you say that?"

Should I even care anymore about OW? I don't see how the A will ever end? I put all this pressure and they are still together. If I drag out divorce....what if they continue to see each other but never actually move in with each other....that won't give them the pressure of a real life relationship. It will just continue to be a fantasy for a longer period of time.

Actually, it will get her griping at your H about why he hasn't D'd you yet. It'll get LOTS of tension in there.

Just imagine the conflict that will cause in the affair. I am giddy just thinking about it! she will have to live like a cockroach, hiding in the dark much longer!

Hey, be sure and get those letters sent out to the lake people so he can't bring her out there. She won't be able to show her skanky face out there!

If you don't, then he will be able to bring her out anytime and introduce her by saying "my wife and I are getting a divorce and this is my new girlfriend." BUT... many ppl would haev a huge problem if they knew this was his OW who had contributed to the breakup of your marriage.

What bothers me is those letters will cause even more hatred toward me. I'm also worried again about backlash.

Hope, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid his wrath. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure, it cannot survive an ongoing affair. You should be doing everything in your power to go after the BIGGEST THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE: THE AFFAIR.

If he is not angry, then you are not doing enough to save your marriage from the affair.

Now is the ideal time to do this because you are in Plan B and won't hear his anger.

Also, since your H has a new phone, will the atty be subpeoening all those records too?

I notified her of his new number...we'll see what she says.

OW's phone service says New Cingular....and my H signed on with AT&T. Are these one in the same. I know AT&T use to be cingular, so i was wondering.

I don't know. But I want to get your source because it is much better than intelius.

hope, just something to think about. Dr Harley says to "cause as much conflict in the affair as possible." Steve Harley has told clients to "picket the OM's place of business" and "do everything short of taking out a billboard." Do you remember marriedforever who posted on your thread? The OW in her case was also a teacher. She exposed the teacher to all other teachers and to the members of a running forum the OW belonged to. The affair was killed dead. [they were also separated]

I know it seems counterintuitive to do things like this, but THEY WORK. The more you expose, the greater chance the affair dies. Exposure RUINS the fantasy and that is your job.

The only hope of your marriage recovering is if the affair is killed. Once the affair is killed, your H will come out from his addiction driven fog. <---that is the hope for your marriage. And once the fog wears off, he will NOT be angry anymore.

Melody,

I googled white pages...then I clicked on that link and selected the tab for reverse lookup. There is a fee, but the info came back pretty fast.

Went to ow's house to see if h was there.....nothing. I just wish ibknew something sure. I know they are in contact; and of course still seeing each other at work. I wish he was having doubts, but it would seem he is never going to change or be sorry for what has done.

2 more weeks until school is out....will I make it? I'm glad to have my children back home. I just can't stand the waiting. I'm preparing to be single, but it's a hard thing. I still find myself saying, "over by your daddy's chair" "go put that in mama and daddy's bedroom, etc.

Now, I have the other focus of my daughter....I have to be watchful in another way now.

hope, my exposure was bigger than yours...besides this, I also did my best to contact OW's family members (not sure if I did because I never heard back from them); and on top of posting on the message board where they met I also was in offline contact with many of OW's "friends" who were repulsed and angry at what she had done ~ they supported ME and had some choice words for her. My H didn't have as many close friends there but I did hear from a few of them as well.

The A died the day I did this massive exposure. I was not as fearful as you, however because I had been in a false recovery for 10 months and I was completely fed up. I went balls out on my exposure and it worked.

I think my fear is that what if the affair is over and I'll be exposing without need. I could still expose on fb more as I have a list of her friends. I guess I worry how it will effect my job. I can't email teachers since we are in same district, but I will try to make contact with lake friends. How can I know if it's still on with him out of the house?

If they're still in C, the A is still on. THat's all you need to know.

Refresh my memory again: why can't you email other teachers? What does working in the same district have to do with it?

Can you at least expose to any friends your H has who he works with? They might be able to put pressure on him to return to his family and do the right thing.