Married 13 years, no kids. A week ago, H was behaving suspicous. He had been drinking, but his behavior was out of character when he was texting. After he went to sleep, I checked his phone to find out what he was acting so weird over to find that there were text messages to and from another woman the he and I both know. Her messages were flirtatious and there was a graphic photo she sent him. He admitted that she started sending him the messages about a month ago and he should've tried harder to stop it, but he never replied with the same graphic detail that she sent him. I confronted her and told her to back-off. He agreed to let me know if she tried to contact him again. Of course, I have access to check the cell phone records to make sure. He was remorseful and says that he wants to make it right...but so far he hasn't really done anything. He claims I've been the perfect wife and I didn't do anything wrong, he just got complacent, but I have a hard time believing that he could take part in that if I hadn't done something wrong. I told him that he's going to have to fix this and do things to show me that he still loves me. I'm angry that he did this to me and I just wish he would do something. He's in the National Guard and he's been really busy lately and I'm trying to be understanding but I also don't want to be so understanding that he ends up not having to suffer any consequences. He's also set to deploy overseas for a year, this fall so we don't have a lot of time. I've tried to read books but I can't find comparisons to my situation to help me figure out what should be happening to fix this. I don't know what to do or not to do. I need help.

Hi sarashope, Welcome to marriage builders....Do you really know for a fact that he didnt text her back? DO you have access to his phone to check the text messages sent, because I dont think the cellphone records will show that....I am sorry to say this but it is very suspicious and I doubt that the text was not reciprocated...and I definitely think he is hiding something more, he is showing the signs that he may be having an affair with this woman...or at least he was very very close to having one.

First you should read everything you can on this website. If you caught this early, you are one of the lucky ones....Start working on your marriage together to find out what led him to this point.....Dr. Harley has some great books that will help you too. His needs, Her needs might be a good one and Surviving an affair is too. He may or may not have had an affair, but it was heading in that direction for sure.

Keep posting on here too. The weekends are slow here, that is why you havent gotten any responses yet.

stillhere,

Yes, I know for a fact that he didn't text her back. I've checked the cell phone bill and it does state whether it was a text or pix message...he's never sent her a pic message. I also confirmed that she began every conversation. I'm not sure how many of the conversations were flirtatious in nature, but for me...it only took the one the I found to shatter my heart.

I've read the His Needs Her Needs book and we've both done the questionairres together, before this happened. He still swears he just got complacent. I know I can't fix that and I'm scared to death as to whether or not this is going to reoccur. Since my last post, he has brought me flowers and has been really patient and doesn't get upset when we talk about it. He seems to be really trying, but I can already feel myself building a wall. He's apologized hundreds of times and is fine with me looking through his phone whenever I want. He agreed to cut contact with her and he let me read the message. I also contacted her and requested the same and she agreed. I've also kept my eye on our cell account to make sure her number doesn't appear and so far it hasn't. I'm fortunate that our cell phone company site allows real-time viewing of text and call usage of each phone. Of course, I'm also looking for any abnormally long text conversations just in case she changes her number. I'm still dealing with being angry, resentful, and depressed. Neither of us know how to fix something when he claims I met all of his needs and that he just got complacent. He says this will never happen again, but I never thought it would happen in the first place....which is why we worked on the His Needs Her Needs book years ago. I don't know if any of this makes sense, so I apologize for babbling. I'm just in foreign territory and don't know where to go from here. We had such a great relationship, we talked about everything and we never fought much. Don't get me wrong, we disagreed, but usually we could talk it out instead of have a yelling match. Whether or not our marriage survives this, how do I recover from this to be happy again?

He's working on things and I'm trying to work on me but I'm seriously struggling with the issue of ever feeling like my heart is safe with him. It's like having someone break into your home and you don't really know how they got in...so how can you ever feel safe inside that same house? I thought things were good. There were no LB, no arguments, our sex life was good (1-3 times per week) and from what I can see...I did everything the website says you should do to affair proof your marriage. He still doesn't know why he had the EA and we're running out of time since he's leaving to serve in Iraq soon (military) for 12 months. I know I can't resolve whatever his issues are, that's for him to do....but how do rebuild the damage that this has done to my self-esteem and my heart?

Actually, it's pretty simple. And he's already told you part of it: He "became complacent." And he lost his boundaries.

Complacency has its place, to an extent. But when complacency drifts into boredom or the "mundane" (which is what my FWH called it) it loses its place.

Your WH became bored and the OW spiced things up for him. That's what happened. Now both of you need to go forward and put your tools in place to be sure that doesn't happen again. It's good that you've done some work on this to this point. I'd suggest you also start working on honing up your O&H communication. If that had been functioning properly your WH would have told you up front that things were getting a little mundane, and the two of you could have brainstormed a plan to restore a spark to your M.

It is going to take some time for you to reach a point of feeling safe with him. Give yourself that. Your mind is working as it should - putting up roadblocks against someone who harmed you. You have to allow your mind to move through that. Your WH's actions in the meantime will go a long way toward helping you with that.

Sarashope, oh...this is what I am going through with my H except I am the WW. (Yikes!) I don't know what's wrong: boredom, "no challenge", whatever it's called. But I just *feel* it. So when he says you "didn't do anything wrong", at least you should believe that much.

I can't offer much more than that...as we are only a week into this process of figuring out what's going to "fix this". But one thing is for sure: talking about it has been extremely important and helpful for me. Avoiding it-- silence-- only gives my brain more space and time to come up with other unhealthy thoughts.

I'm sorry you are going through this. At least, you may have caught it in time to *eliminate* it before much more happens. I believe we have in our case. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the help, all. I'm not sure what "O & H" stands for, but we do talk about this stuff...but there are days where I begin to question if he really wants a future with me. He started out doing well with trying to make things right, one of which was reading through a book called "Every Man's Battle" that he still has yet to finish. However, the the last couple of weeks, he's just acted like all is fixed and I should just be ok. He stopped reading the book and I have to remind him that he still hasn't finished it. I hate the fact that I need to remind him of that, that he just can't or doesn't seem to want to take the lead on fixing things. He knows ignoring it won't make it go away. We talk and each time we talk it seems like his answers change and sometimes I feel like I'm talking to different people. I don't know. I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't know how to begin to heal the emotional damage that he's done to me. I mean, I had insecurities before all of this, so now this just made those worse. I think the thing that angers me the most is that he and I had more graphic and spicey text conversations than they had...so the "spice" thing doesn't make sense. I turned myself inside and out to be what he wanted and to keep things spicey, and it just wasn't enough...I wasn't enough. So, if I wasn't enough then...will I ever be enough? If not, how do I begin to recover from that? Thanks again for all of the help. I need all that I can get.

Sarashope, I am a little confused. In the first post you said.
Then you said...

When exactly did you find out he was having an affair?

Open and honest.

Okay, then try calling it something that another poster called it (and I happen to think is a very apt description): Some people just like to get a piece of "strange" on the side. THAT'S the spice. You and the M were mundane.

It isn't a question of whether or not you'll be enough for your WH. The question that he needs to answer is "what do I need to do to fill this void?" You are involved to the extent of meeting his most important emotional needs.

O&H = Openness and honesty. If the two of you were being O&H, your WH would say "Honey, I'm feeling like we need to do something different - let's go on a vacation." OR you could just ask him "Honey, let's do something different this weekend. Let's go..."fill in the blank. He may have a need for recreational variety - try a new sport together, bowling, bicycling,etc. Not too athletic? Browse antique shops, malls. Not a shopper? Hit a museum, library. Not a reader? Plan a culinary trip and head to the nearest big city: plan breakfast at a place known for its great breakfast menu, lunch at a great lunch place, dinner at a great dinner place. Lace the time in between with browsing odd little shops, or (like H & I do) buy some groceries at a farmer's market, head to the local microbrewery for their latest ale, then home to cook up the goodies we got at the farmer's market.

Whhooo-ee! Sorry, got a little carried away, there. But you get what I'm saying. It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to whip up a fun (basically cheap) new adventure for the two of you.

Suamco - I found out May 15th after checking his phone after he passed out from having too much to drink. I saw the string of different texts that were more than just from that night. After confronting him and the OW, I found out it had been going on for a month prior to me finding out.

Maritalbliss - I get what you're talking about, but he still swears that there is no void that needs to be filled in our marriage. I'm trying to get him to be open with me, but he just keeps quiet and says he's sorry and that he doesn't have any answers. We've always been able to talk through things, so he should be able to talk to me. That was always a strength in our marriage, until now.

This whole experience has completely changed the way I see marriage and it has defnitely altered how I see him. This whole thing is so hard to explain via message board. So many things I read help to an extent but all of the tips on surviving an affair that I've read don't seem to apply to this situation since it was a PA. Plus, if he chooses to be lazy and not do the work he needs to do...then what do I do? He goes out into the field for training August 21st to mid-September and then deploys for a year. That gives us six weeks until we're going to be apart, which isn't much time and in Iraq he will be serving with other women and that mortifies me. If he could do what he did when things were good at home and just a little boring...what is he capable of when we're thousands of miles apart for a year?