^LOVES IT!

That is perfect Vibrissa! Ty for sharing that

Yes, my husband even thanked me for doing what needed to be done in order to end the A.

Concentrate on her family first on the FB exposure, in case you get blocked.

You can also just use the same thing you used on his FB page and yours...either one would work. Just make sure that they can contact you if they want proof.

Be forewarned that you are going to get some ugly comments. IGNORE THOSE or respond "I'm sorry you feel this way, I have been professionally advised that this is what I need to do in order to break up my H's A so that we can try to repair our M". THAT'S IT.

P.S. Y3Boys is right...however, if you want to try to save this we can help you. It might not be in your best interest, however, but I do understand wanting to give it a shot.

I sent FB messages to most of the OW married friends. I stuck with the married female friends hoping that they have a sense of family and what is right and may be able to influence her. Do I need to message her other friends? It's hard by the photos to tell what age they are, I don't want to drag in a teenager / young cousin or anything like that.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel sick doing this. It just seems wrong.

It is normal to feel wrong - I know I felt horrible inside! It goes against anything you would ever think of doing in a situation like this - you feel like YOU are being the bad person. BUT - it works. It truly does. The Harleys have developed a great and unique system for recovering marriages, because 9/10 times the traditional way of dealing it with just ends in divorce.

Trust me. I have read so many posts on here from BS's saying their spouse later thanked them. How can your proof that you are doing the right thing be any more solid than that??

^Agree,

Coming from a FWW myself, I am totally glad that my husband had to do what was necessary to keep our marriage alive! He posted it on his facebook, and emailed all of our friends and families giving them details of the affair, yes it was very embarrassing, but without that embarrassment the fog wouldn't have left me and I would have

A. Still be in the A

OR

B. Found someone else with another A

It's either expose to save your marriage or its the BIG D word that no one wants to here!

Keep up the big work, keep venting on MB we will all help you, either BS or FWS

I have all sorts of things running through my mind.. like:

What do I do or say if he kicks me out?

What if he leaves?

What if he starts ignoring / avoiding me even more than before?

Unless you feel you are physically in danger, you do not leave. It is your home and you have done nothing wrong. Tell him HE can leave if he does not want to be around you.


You go to Plan B and let him enjoy having no one but his homewrecker for company.


If he does this, it's only because he is trying to push your buttons and get a reaction out of you to prove that he is in control. Do nothing. If he gets nasty, tell him HE can be the one to leave.

No matter what, if he makes you feel threatened do not hesitate to call 9-1-1. THEY will make him leave and then you can go to Plan B.

It's all harsh, I know, but sometimes that's what it takes. Be brave and don't let him bully you one moment longer. Right now, that's all he knows how to do.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel sick doing this. It just seems wrong. [/quote]


I know it feels wrong, but it is RIGHT! I was literally shaking when I emailed the OWH. I was convinced he would think I was crazy. He didn't he believed me and the A was OVER as soon as I did it. Once I found out about the ONS and exposed to our families part of the fog was lifted. The rest is being lifted by Steve Harley.

If he tells you to leave stay strong, just smile and say "I am not leaving, I love you and I want to work on our marriage." He might leave and he might not, but expect that he will be very angry with you, have someone there so he wont hurt you if you are afraid of him.

If he leaves go straight into Plan B, start writing your letter to be prepared, otherwise put on your best Plan A face.

Be strong that is the best advise I can give, I know its hard but you have to ask your self "Do I want to save my marriage? Or will I sit there and watch my marriage fall apart."

OH NO!!! Have I ruined everything? I don't know if I can do this..

H sent me a text message:
"Simply put, I an not intending to be married anymore. Harrassing OW and OW's friends will not change that. Posting things online will not change that. Those actions only further my frustration And strengthen my desire to end the relationship. Stop it."

I replied:
"I love you H. I've only acted in the best interest of our marriage. I believe in you and I believe in our marriage."


I started receiving hate mail from OW friends.

I don't want him to hate me but I think he does now.

(((((aHFOL))))

You did the right thing. Ignore the hate mail and ignore his anger. It will pass. They all say that it's over after exposure. It isn't. Your response was perfect. Don't discuss with him, just keep saying you're doing what you have to to save the marriage. Keep pleasant, and upbeat. Plan A your little butt off.

The affair will be going through its death pangs and he's going to be lashing out in anger at you for destroying it. It will pass.

Stay strong.

You did do the right thing.

You are fighting for your marriage and have no apologies to make.

Well, yes you have - you've ruined it for the cheaters!


Sure you can! You've already done it.


Translation: "WAAH WAAH WAAH YOU ARE SPOILING ALL MY FUN WAAH!! Your exposure of me and Homewrecking Ho is taking all the fun out of cheating. How can people believe my lies when you're telling them the truth? Stop ruining my fun!"

Seriously - he is reacting this way and being extremely cold and nasty because what you did WORKED. Be fully prepared for him to threaten to leave and divorce you six ways from Sunday and blame all of it entirely on you.

Don't listen to it.

He may or may not leave. He may or may not file. There is nothing you can do about that. But your marriage had *no* chance as long as his affair continued. It now has *some* chance since you just threw a gigantic monkey wrench into the whole thing.


Perfect. Just cut and paste this into any and all communications with him. Be a broken record for a while. There is nothing else you need to say.


You know how furious WH is on being exposed? That's because his wretched behaviour and lying secrets are now on full display to his whole world and he is dangling out there butt-naked.

Someone else on these boards very wisely pointed out that all the "friends" and family members who knew about the affair, but did nothing and said nothing, have *also* now been exposed as people who cover up nasty destructive secrets and who protect homewrecking cheaters. That's why they're so angry - because they've been exposed now, too.



You have done nothing wrong. You stood up like a warrior goddess to defend your marriage. If he wants to hate someone, he can hate the one who got him to this point - and that's himself.

I would suggest that you invite some supportive family and friends over so that you can have some company tonight.

Have you ever seen the movies *Alien* or especially the sequel, *Aliens*? They have Sigourney Weaver as Ripley, the best and bravest movie heroine ever. Watch her for an example of what a brave woman does when she must, and know that you have been just as brave as she was. You, too, are standing up to an alien just as she did.

Hang in there - he will get as nasty and bullying as he possibly can, but you will be prepared for that. Put on your Ripley hat and hang in there.

Thanks. Your supportive comments here make me stronger. Good or Bad results at least I know I tried my hardest and I didn't give up. I'm only upset that I didn't have the courage to do this earlier, I let their affair drag on for 6 months after I found out. The exposing I did a first didn't help because his parents decided to stand on the sidelines, and OW is no longer with her H.

So what now?

WH just came home. First discussion since FB exposure.

WH: So what's the plan?

me: The plan is to save our marriage

WH: You didn't answer my question? What's the plan?

me: huh?

WH: Who's staying here and who's going?

me: I've done nothing wrong.

WH: I disagree with that statement
WH: What did you think posting something like that on FB and messaging all her married friends/ family was going to do?

me: I've done nothing wrong.

WH: The only thing you've done is try to turn my friends against me. This is between us, not for the rest of the world to see. You can garner the friends, I'm a loner. I don't care.

WH: I told you, all this does is further frustrate me. We don't have a marriage anymore and I don't want to continue with this. Especially if the next time we have a relationship problem I know that you're going to post it on FB.

then he left.

I totally clamed up. I was shaking too much to respond to him at all.

OK your next step is to write a PLAN B letter, stay calm you did so good! That is expected of WS to say those mean words, I said worse things then that when my husband exposed me on FB, so you are LUCKY! LOL, that is good that he left, he has no right to ask you who goes and who stays? I found this letter about how the Plan B works

Plan B is not designed to do anything to end the affair. It is designed to let you learn to live again and survive until the affair ends.

And it will end in all probability...

95% of affairs implode all by themselves within two years.

So Plan B gives you time to get through withdrawal from him, learn to be a whole person again and salvage enough of what is left in his account in your Love Bank so that you don't hate him by the time that happens.

A dark Plan B sometimes hastens the demise of the affair by stopping the meeting of any ENs that you might be meeting for him. Usually an affair partner only is able to meet a portion of the ENs that a WS requires and unless the AP turns out to be one of those rare people who can adapt quite rapidly, the PEA rush wears off in a year or so and the incompatibility shows itself and Love Busting starts taking it's toll until the "relationship" simply dies a natural death.

Affairs end for the same reasons that they are possible. Two selfish, self absorbed, self-centered people seldom end up with a sustainable relationship. The reasons to have an affair are selfish reasons and the affair partners can't really provide what each other needs long term. Coupled with the fact that there is no history together, which at first draws them together, means that they really have not very much invested in each other or a relationship with each other. The less that is invested, the less likely it is that the relationship can last.

So that's the technical side of it...

Plan B is for YOU. It is so that YOU can have some sort of life that is not defined by his waywardness and the drama that follows from that. It gives YOU the chance to create some peace, some personal space and start to find some joy in life once more.

There is not a lot of point in trying to figure out what he is doing since none of it makes any sense anyway. If he was doing what made sense, he would be with you right now trying to show you how much you mean to him. The thing is, a wayward spouse only considers their own selfish desires which change like the winds... He is an addict, Missy. All that means anything to him at all is his next fix. He'll get it from you if you give it to him. If you cut him out of your life entirely, he will have to get everything from his AP. She's not nearly as equipped to provide that as you are so in time he will realize that.

Then the only question will be if you have enough love left for him to do the really hard work of recovery or if you will have decided that it is time to move on yourself without him. In a couple of years you can make a rational decision about that because it will give you enough time to stop reacting to the constant pain of his hurtful behavior.

Either way, if he returns or not, Plan B lets you become stronger, more sure of what you want and what you need and allows you to heal enough that you won't be deciding our of desperation.



If you need a sample of a plan B letter I think you can find it somewhere on this site, if I can find it I'll post it.

If he moves out, this huge LB will me the last thing he remembers about me. That can't be good, can it? But he is so furious, and I'm sure would take off whenever I come near to try Plan A. I was doing a Plan A for the past 6 months, but this was the first real nuclear exposure.

This might be a LB (exposure) but that was your first step in trying to save your marriage with out it, then in 2 years you would be in the same exact situation, which is pain, emotional, you wouldn't want to go to work, hang out with friends, etc. So which is better? Exposing the A now, while you got a chance? Or be in 2 years of emotional abused marriage?

Write out a Plan B letter, but before you send it let us see so we can either make it better, or give you some advise on what to say.

SR - I don't know that Plan B is in order yet. AHFoL - how long have you been in Plan A?

You're right starting Plan B on the LB of exposure is not ideal. You want a stellar Plan A to be the last thing he remembers when HE leaves - he will be leaving, not you.

I think you did great with your conversation. Stick to the truth: You are doing what you must to save your marriage. You do marriage, not divorce. You are committed to recovering your marriage. That is the ONLY relationship talk you should have until he commits to recovery. Other than that be pleasant, upbeat and Plan A. When he tries to talk relationship just ask him if he is willing to go complete NC with OW. If he says no, say marriage is only two people, not three and you will do what you have to to save your marriage. Then change the subject.

Do that for as long as you can - until you feel your love for him to start going away. I think Dr. Harley recommends a 3 week plan a for women. So I wouldn't plan A much longer, but if you think you're up for it try it a few more days.

Get your ducks in a row for Plan B. Let us help you compose your Plan B letter, find an Intermediary and do whatever you need to do to ensure that your Plan B is dark as night.

You can do this - you're doing great.

((((aHFoL)))))