I have been lurking on this board for some time now and have found some really useful stuff. However, I now need some advice on my situation - sorry if this is very long!

My husband of 5 years (we have been together for 10 years) told my "I love you but I'm not in love with you" about 4 months ago.

Basically, 3 weeks before the ILYB conversation he had stayed out all night drinking leaving me at home with our two young children under five and worrying myself sick about him. I then pushed and pushed for a reason as to why he would do that to me and, in response, got ILYB.

We then had a heart to heart and it would appear that he is extremely stressed about his business which, despite having set it up quite a few years ago, is failing to make a decent profit.

At about the same time he went away for work. It is very unusual for him to be away and this is a one-off helping family members (he is in construction).

I originally thought that his ILYB confession was symptomatic of his business situation and that working away from home had given him space from the business and family commitments which he found to be a relief (wouldn�t we all love to escape from our responsibilities!).

I also recognised that due to the stress of our business interests (my husband likes to take a risk!), our slightly uncertain financial position and the fact we have two young children we hadn�t invested the time in our relationship that we should have done.

On the brief occasions he came home we started off well but then (I thought) I pushed too hard and we ended up rowing. He asked me to forget he said ILYB until he was back at home again and then things would "be alright�.

After 3 hellish months of him basically being absent from the family I found a string of texts from an ex-girlfriend (who lives where he was working away) and then a few days after that, when I asked for the umpteenth time, my husband admitted to having had drunken sex with her twice whilst working away.

It would appear that my husband had not been happy with our lack of intimacy and sex life following the birth of our two children. I thought I was happy with our marriage and that the sex would return when the children were a bit older but, since the affair, I have realised that I was burying a lot of resentment and anger about my husband (his lack of help around the house, the fact that he has been living his dream of running his own business for years but that I have to support us financially as it doesn�t make any money etc etc). I now do not want to go back to the marriage we had before either.

I have decided that our marriage is worth trying to save but, unfortunately, my husband has not. He is adamant that we will never get the passion and spark back and says he cannot see a future for us.

The thought of a marriage with no passion is a depressing vision and if that were true I wouldn�t want to stay married to him either!

I have kept fairly calm in the face of the revelation and don�t want to rock the boat prior to counselling as he is prone to being very defensive and clamming up.

I have lost lots of weight and had adrenaline surging round my body day after day. I have missed work. However, I am now (sort of) back on track and not quite the wreck I was.

My problem now is that, despite the fact that we are still living together, it is horrible!

I know that my husband does not love me - he has said he �thinks� he wants to love me but a) that�s hardly a great show of commitment and b) he may just be saying that to save my feelings. It makes me feel sick and anxious almost every minute of every day and I am struggling to enjoy my children, to work and to do anything except �research� this all too common phenomenon.

Unfortunately, whilst I have been doing all the thinking, the research and the forgiving he doesn�t seem to be doing anything at all. When I asked him about this he said he does think about it but I don�t know if that�s true (he�s very good at burying his head in the sand) and, even if it is, he isn�t talking about it and I�m not a mind reader!

We have two pre-school children so I owe it to them to work at this but it is so hard to act in a loving way to someone who, quite frankly, is very difficult to love at the moment.

How should I proceed over the next few weeks? Should I ask him about the future? Should I just try and get on with my life (I am trying to do this but finding it very hard)? What can I do whilst he�s not willing to talk about it or try to fall in love again?

Also, he has to go back to the place he had his affair as his parent live there and he occasionally goes without me and the kids. How do I handle this?!?

Help!!

HH1

First, this thread needs to be moved to the other forum, SaA.
HH1, you are not in recovery phase, and this forum is too slow to get you the help that you need.
I'll notify a mod and have it moved for you.


Welcome to MB HH1.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I've summarized some of the key points and the ones that need to be addressed, this makes it easier for us to see the problems.
Can you please correct anything that needs it.

- M 5yrs. together 10, 2 small children
- 'I love you but not in love with you' 4 months ago
- found TM's from exGF a month ago ......... do I have the time frame right here, HH1 ???
- OW lives where your WH was working at a family members home
- you've decided that you want to save your M
- WH is dragging feet about restoring M, gets defensive and clams up
- MC is booked but not yet started
- parents live where OW lives

Lots of stuff to be done!

You don't mention if WH has agreed to end this A. It is likely still going on, regardless, you need to EXPOSE.
The A needs to be blown up and ended. Nothing can be restored, and MC won't work until the A is busted up.

Start with calling OWH or BF.
Tell OW's parents, siblings.
Tell them that you found the TM's and that your WH has admitted to having sex with OW. (he says twice, this is most likely a lie)
Tell WH's parents, your parents, good friends who will support your M.

There are more exposure targets, make a list of significant people in your WH life who would have influence over him, if they knew about the A.

Expose all at once, don't tell your WH that you are doing this, you just do this.
He will be furious, just think ...... 'oh well', his fury will go away.

More info on exposure will come from others, I guarantee it.


The books recommended here are Surviving an A, His Needs Her Needs, and my favourite LoveBusters.
Check in your library, I read others who have gotten them through Amazon, or you can purchase them from this site.
If you've decided to use the MB plan to try to save your M, you need to be familiar with all of the concepts.

Vittoria

Thanks for moving my thread. I thought I might have posted in the wrong place - wishful thinking maybe?

Anyway - your summary is spot on and the timeline is correct.

I have read loads on the MB website and I completely understand that Exposure is the first step. However, it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think about doing it.

I have seen the stick that those who do not Expose get from the experienced members of this website and I appreciate that if I chose not to Expose then I am not truly following the MB principles.

However, I feel ashamed that my WH cheated on me as we weren't having sex. I also know my WS and he would not forgive me - it would be over. Lastly, in the UK, where I am from, the general advice is to tell as few people as possible so you can see why I am so conflicted.

On the other hand, I am living in a state of constant anxiety that he might be with her - especially right now as he is at his parent's house. So which is worse?

He has said it is over but he would say that wouldn't he? He also calls it being "unfaithful" rather than an "affair" as it was just drunken sex.

I was hoping that, after this visit, I would get an agreement from him that the kids and I accompany him to his parents in future. That way he can't see her again anyway.

Where he comes from sleeping around is the norm and he has grown up with it. I, on the other hand, have not grown up with it and am devastated.

HH1

What I have read it sounds like it is A yes he will "admit" he had drunken sex, but the actions you are telling me that he is doing sounds exactly what a WS would do (I would know, been there done that)

What you need to do now is get all the evidence! Cell phone bills, emails, FB, and other forms of communication. The only REAL reason why a WS would say "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" is to justify what he is doing, but in order to go on you have to find evidence that the A is still going on, that is your first priority, do not take his WORD!

Once you find out for sure, DO NOT GO TO HIM FIRST! Come on here and let us know exactly what you have found there are a lot of people on here with great advise. If it wasn't for this site then Wheels and I wouldn't be where we are now.

It's going to hurt when you find out more and more about what really is going on, trust me, stay calm and put on your pretty face.

Thanks for your reply SR.

Since my WH told me he slept with OW (a month ago) I have found no evidence of contact on either his phone or computer (although he may just be deleting everything).

Am I right in thinking that I Plan A him for now whilst snooping to establish whether there is contact or not?

His hometown is 4 hours away so he can't eactly go there without me knowing and I am going to make it very difficult for him to go there without me from now on.

If I find no evidence of contact do we just start MC (scheduled for next week) and start trying to fulfill each others EN's?

Do I only expose if I gather sufficient evidence that it is continuing?

Thanks again for your help - I feel less alone...

I would keep digging! Have you seen the phone bill? or just his phone? He doesn't need to know about the snooping and you can do a great Plan A while you do this Just don't bring it up that will be a LB.

I wouldn't expose until I had solid evidence that the affair is still going.

MC and working with the MB will help, ONLY if he is WILLING to work on the marriage, because you can go to 5 MC and read all the books you can read, but if he is not willing to save the marriage or work with you, then you will be doing all of that for nothing, so stay focused on searching for more evidence I believe you can find some good tips on this site on how to dig deeper for evidence other then phone and emails.

Right - snooping and Plan A it is!

Will get the phone bill asap - hadn't even thought of that (what a novice!).

Will report back with any developments.

Can you confirm for me though that I only expose if I find evidence?

Thanks for giving me a plan.

HH1

You need to expose the affair. You already have PROOF that there was an affair and unless he has written a NC letter which you read, approved and then sent, there is still an ACTIVE affair.

You need to expose to EVERYONE who can put pressure on the affair, this includes his parents, OW H? BF?, parents, your friends and family. Your WH WILL be VERY angry. Your marriage can survive his anger, it's the affair which will kill your marriage.

HERE is a thread with A LOT of links on it. You should read through ALL of the links from beginning to end. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Well we know for sure that he has had sex with her, and I do believe that he is still seeing her or in the A, sorry to say But for me I would get solid proof, just so she doesn't end up looking like an idiot. Then I was expose his @$$ off!

Start reading on how to expose this site has great advise on that!

Keep snooping!

Well, you see there is already PROOF that he is having an affair. I exposed with LESS. I DO NOT regret exposing. I wish my exposure would have had a greater impact. I wish that I would have found this site sooner and been able to expose sooner. Those are my regrets in regards to exposure.

That is proof enough, it's right from the horse's mouth.

Your worst enemy right now HH1 is any contact between WH and OW, so the goal now is to end that contact, bust their secret out of the water.
The best weapon to end contact is to EXPOSE.
Your best ally right now will be OW's husband, who is also a betrayed spouse and may not know it. When OWH finds out, if he wants to save his M,
he will not want contact between the two adulterers either. You both will be able to verify NC for each other, the best that you can.
Does this make sense?

Yes, you work Plan A, both the carrot and the stick part. Have you read about that?
By all means continue snooping, learn about snooping, who knows what else you might uncover. And, being familiar with snooping tactics, will help you
to verify NC once it's in place.
You don't need to snoop though to expose, you have the proof.
Organize who you will expose to, go back to my first post.

It would be more difficult, yes. She can go 2hrs. one way, and he can go 2hrs. the other, or she could come 4 hrs. your way ....... they could also stay in touch by phone.
The goal is no contact, no meet, no talk, no TM, nothing.

NC is important since your WH will not want to engage in the M as long as he is involved in fantasy with the OW.
There is no point in MC right now and I would cancel your appt. and save your cash. WH at this point, will not be open to what MC has to offer.
Actually should ask you first, has he agreed to MC?

Many of us know that feeling HH1.
Around here, it's almost impossible to feel alone. Keep posting and ask whatever you don't understand.
If something is not explained well enough, just ask for clarification.

How are you doing HH1?

Thanks so much for thinking of me Vittoria - I know you must have loads of people to keep an eye on!

Well doesn't time fly when you're having fun...

WH had a night out last night - it's an annual thing and I didn't expect him back until morning and had written him off for the day as I knew he would be hungover.

I went to wake him at 2pm as he had a meeting at 3pm. He kept drifting back to sleep so I told him to set the alarm on his phone. He said the battery was flat. I offered to take it and charge it before his meeting and he was really odd.

He said he knew I would check his messages (2 weeks ago he said I could do that whenever I wanted). I said I probably would but at least I wasn't doing it behind his back. I now wish I'd taken his phone while he was sleeping as he point blank refused and seemed to think I was doing something morally indfensible!

He also said he had been "trying" for two months. I had to point out I only found out he had been cheating on 16th April and that he was away for another two weeks after that so exactly when had he been trying?!?!

To cut a sad story short I asked him to leave and he has gone. God knows what was on his phone but he must have been worried for it to come to this.

I feel relieved but maybe it will hit me later?

Haven't exposed yet but it's all going to come out now anyway.

I'm not sure I plan A'd for long enough so he might not truly realise what he's missing. Also, I can't do a really dark Plan B with kids can I?

It's a mess but I think I have done the right thing. He hasn't added anything emotionally or financially to my life for years but I was still willing to try and get the love back. He isn't. I'll be better off in long run whereas he seems to be on a mission to self destruct.

My priority is my children and, strangely, I had a lovely day with them today. I have asked him to keep our counselling appointment on Tuesday - not to reconcile but to try and learn to be amicable for the kids sake because right now I am feeling soooooo bitter.

Will take it one day at a time...

E x

If he is not willing to let you see his phone then he is still in the A, the only advise I can give is to expose him, either on facebook, emails, or calls to family members, and friends.

Good luck

hmm, I know exactly how this scenario, led to the next one ........

which is this.

Who knows but you are right, this is a huge

HH1, the story will be spun to make you look the crazy nut job in the M.

Expose, you are losing the impact of a valuable weapon. Expose.

Plan A and Plan B work in sequence, with all the steps taken for each. You've not done this.
You are in no plan right now.

HH1, your best chance at recovery is to expose the affair. If you don't, then he will eventually spin his version of the story. While there are no guarantees, exposure is your best weapon against the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to ENABLE the affair. Please read this article: exposure