{{HUGS}} NP. I'm always here lurking. I got so much advice to stop posting and just worry about myself I did. But I'm here if you need me! We all are.

It's like this, NP. He's coming home, which is a great thing. But he's coming home with some scars from his infidelity. He's going to be looking at his home like it's an alien place. Don't expect things to become immediately normal - normal no longer exists for either of you (tell him that.) You're both going to build a new 'normal', a better 'normal'.

Take it slow. Be loving, even while he's going through withdrawal. Don't try to educate him about his addiction. Just love him.

Don't try to trot out things that the two of you used to do. Don't go to the 'old' favorite restaurant - find a new one off the beaten path that you think he'd like. Don't do the same old thing this weekend - do something different. Go for a hike. Pack a picnic lunch while you're at it. FIND A SITTER. Find 'alone time' for the two of you. Not to grind through the details of the A and hash over that, necessarily, but to reconnect.

This is gonna work, NP - I just know it.

Thanks for the votes of confidence, everyone!

I am really truly trying to avoid LBs now. If we are going to recover, I don't want to sabotage that. And I REALLY REALLY hope that this is withdrawal for him, and not a symptom of how he actually feels.

Does it matter if he's back with me because OW dumped him? I just have a suspicion that's what happened, and I don't know how I feel about it. He says he decided to come back for his family, and I hope that's true. Should his reasons matter, if it was him or OW?

Did you read SAA? That's what happened to the couple in there and they recovered.

I tried to order a copy, but because I'm in Canada it said they had to call me with a final price, and I never heard back from them. Maybe I didn't do it right?

BUT, that's good to know. I was worried that if the only reason he was back was because OW didn't want him he'd just go off and have another affair, instead of being serious about recovery.

I got my copy of SAA from EBAY. You could try the library. I was able o get LB, FIL SIL from the library and ten I ordered them off of ebay and amazon. I have ALL of the books now.

I remember reading that an affair really IS love. WH probably does love POSOW, and probably always will. It is why Extraordinary Precautions are needed. Unless their affair has run its course to the point that his LB$ for her is in the red (which from his outburst of not hurting her seems to not be the case), then he is only going to have the good feelings with no chance of ever experiencing enough LB to put his account for her in the red.

I am just posting what I remember from HNHN or the site somewhere. Someone can hit me if I messed it up.

NP, you are pretty amazing. I need to think why, so I can figure out what it is I want to take from it.

EDIT: NP, you are inspiring and you fill me with hope. I need to figure out why and what it is so I can take it with me.

Hoping the best for you!

Yeah, BT I read that too, except the part that says it is real love....addiction is more like it.

NP I think of you often and what you are going thru and you are pregnant and all...Be strong for your family, sweetie...its gonna be a tough road for a while, but you can do it and the payoff will be huge...A happy marriage with the father of your children...I am praying for you.

It's withdrawal. Count on that. And no, it doesn't matter why he's back. The fact is that he is with you and the kids, not her. The day is going to come when he cringes, thinking about his behavior.

NP, I really want to stress this: don't do the same old thing this weekend! Do something different. What does he enjoy doing? Try to think of something - not 'parallel play' KWIM?

Mr. Bliss & I like to cook and come up with interesting new recipes. Lots of interaction there. Can you think of something so the two of you can interact?

RELENTLESS (adj.): Steady and persistent; unremitting.

NP, this is your word for today. You need to be RELENTLESS in your deposits to WH's love bank. No matter how crummy he might behave today, no matter how gloomy he may be, your Giver needs to be RELENTLESS.

Be kind, be loving, be comforting, be enjoyable to be around. Somewhere in his addiction-addled brain, there's going to be a voice that will speak to him. It's going to be a little voice at first, but as your Giver keeps working it's going to get louder. And that voice is going to say "What was I thinking, getting involved with someone else when I've got this wonderful woman right here beside me?"

NP, you are the best thing that could happen to him. You are strong, brave, powerful, and the person that completes him. Other men would give up much to have you. You are his PRIZE. He will start seeing that while you are being RELENTLESS.

Now, get off here and go see if he wants to go antiquing, or checking out paint colors for the dining room, or whatever.

And be RELENTLESS.

Great job NP! Remember to keep snooping, be ever vigilant.

Be strong, be loving, and the alien will eventually leave. I'm still having little bits of alien H around, but every day it's less and less. Good luck to you, I'll be around.


CD

(formerly A.B. R.) -(had to change, long story)

I wondered where you went! Good job on your own R!

CD and bliss,

Thanks! My Taker was in full force this morning, after WH woke up in a crummy, snarly mood. I admit I let a couple snarls out myself, BUT I made myself stop and this is a good reminder to keep my Giver out! He went to the gym this morning and even called me from there instead of his cell so I'd know he was there, and to let me know he had gotten the class time wrong so I wouldn't wonder where he was (I of course had to leap on my computer and verify this, but still.. ). I need to remember to focus on the little things that he's doing! I suggested going to a theme park today with DD but of course the weather is pretty crappy out. I'm trying to be vigilant without seeming demanding and suspicious - just quietly checking up on what he does.

I hope it goes well!

CD (ABR), it's good to see you back! I never saw your recovery story - so congrats!

I haven't started showing him the MB concepts yet. He had found this site a while ago when he said I left it up on his computer, so I don't know how much he read at that time. Anyway, I wanted to wait until AFTER we had talked to Steve. I know he's going to be pretty resistent to talking to him, because after I exposed he asked the name of the counsellor who had said it was a good idea, and said his license should be taken away (SOME day he'll realize, hopefully...). But, I figure it's only 45 minutes and I should be able to get him to realize that it isn't going to hurt him just to talk.

In the meantime, I will continue to snoop and watch him carefully.

On another note, OW was sending me emails and links all day yesterday (presumably from her husband, but he told me they were from her), all about recovering from divorce and surviving infidelity. Apparently she is now "hoping WH and I can work it out." Talk about guilt! I feel sort of sorry for her - she desperately wants her own marriage back and he is not willing. I still hate her. A TON. But because I figure the best way to keep her from my husband is to help her be happy with hers, I was going to a) wait and see if she ACTUALLY emails me like she wanted to, instead of being a coward about it AGAIN, and b) if she does, depending on her email, I MIGHT tell her about MB. Don't know if that's a good idea or not - but the emails she sent me were crap. Seriously. And if that's what she's going off of, she has zero hope. Thoughts?

Aw BT, I just saw this post! Thank you! I don't feel amazing or inspiring - I'm scared and nervous! But I'm so, so glad that my story is helping others!

No. You are under no obligation to help this woman in any way, and at this juncture she is far too risky. MB needs to be yours and yours alone for a while - I would caution keeping (F?)WH away for a while, as well, until you are quite sure of his "former" status.

Re: the OW. People go back and forth about this, but many (I believe the Harleys say this, but don't quote me on it) say that NC is for not only the WS, but also the BS. For reasons besides the obvious, you do not need to be expending energy on this woman at all. You need to focus on your M, its recovery, your recovery. This would be a good thing to discuss w/ Steve.

Do not feel bad for her. She knew what she was doing. If she's serious about fixing herself/what she did, she will find a way to do it. It will just have to be a way that does not involve you in any way.

Cut her completely out of your lives. She is DEAD to you & WH. DEAD. Email her immediately and let her know that her sudden interest in the health of your M is of NO help or interest to you. Her emails are a form of contact, and you want NO CONTACT. Be polite, be firm. In a few words:

Dear Skankyho,
Please do not attempt to contact me or my H again. We wish to have no contact with you for any reason.
NewPetals.

Done.

Seriously, are you a glutton for punishment?

Do you LIKE ripping off scabs? Every time you have contact with this woman, you are tearing off a scab that needs to stay put for awhile.

text her like MB says.

Wow....can anyone say FR????

So, yesterday when WH called me at work and was all angry with me it was bc OW texted him and said I was doing horrible things to her and her kids by talking to her husband and was feeding him stuff. And of course he called her and they resumed contact.

Heard something from her BH today that clued me in that there had been contact and so I confronted him, and WH flew off the handle. Ended up having a huge fight and he's back in the guest room. He's been texting and talking to OW on the phone all night.

What do I do now????? I think u all were right, I let him back in too early...

Went into the guest room a few times to talk to him and he was on the phone to POSOW each time. He now refuses to stop talking to her and when i asked him to at least not contact her again before he and I talked tomorrow he refused to agree to even that, and says he wants to text her to apologize for all the interruptions. Says after our fight this evening our marriage is over so he feels like I have no more say in that.

This is sickening. It truly is. Is this more wayward than usual? Should I cut and run?