Update: Wife moved back in!

Original thread http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2352161&page=1

So she moved back in a week ago friday. She has been struggling with the move quite a bit. She is scared this is all going to happen again.
I have been doing everything right. Very romantic, talking to her A LOT, reassuring her, doing things with her, staying off the computer which was a big problem before etc etc.
She would say the same (that I'm doing everything right)
Here is the problem I'm having. I find her more beautiful/sexy than ever. I finally feel about her like I should have all along. She was very sexual before, did a lot of special things for me, etc. But now she says all that didn't matter and I still had an affair so she doesn't feel like doing it anymore. We're still having sex sporadically, not NEAR as much as I want (which wasn't a problem before) She says she pictures me with this other girl when we are in bed. (She knew her and had been to our home, us to theirs etc) Nothing happened in our home though. Anyway. Will this pass with time? I REALLY want her to get back to doing the things she used to, and for her to WANT to be intimate with me. Mostly she's just doing it for me when we have sex now which is not good. We have not read SAA, Our counselor recommended "Torn Asunder" which had the Same quality of reviews on Amazon so we tried it. She hates reading it, puts her in a bad place every time we try because she hates thinking about it, and just wants to forget it.

Our relationship has changed and we are doing more "fun" things together and talking a lot more which was lacking before, things could be REALLY good after the healing, but I need the other stuff back as well.

Will it come back? What can I do to help that I'm not already doing?

This is also her main concern besides me cheating again (her feelings not coming back for me)

Are you serious? What a selfish load of crap.

Hopefully she'll regain her senses and leave!

"Are you serious? What a selfish load of crap."

Recovery is a two to five year process.

Consider yourself fortunate that she is attempting recovery.

Consider yourself lucky that you are getting some SF at this point.

Wow, what's with the animosity? I came here to get some advice not get crap. If SF is my #1 or #2 need how are we supposed to have a healthy relationship in the future if that never returns? I think I'm being patient. We have been trying to work through things for 5 months already. I realize this is a much longer road but I was looking for some advice. If you don't have any don't bother replying. Is it a crime for me to want my wife to WANT her husband?

And you can stay the hell off my threads from now on. What kind of sick person wants a marriage to fail?

So,

you had multiple affairs including with a friend of hers, she has decided for whatever reason to try to make your marriage work despite the horrific pain you inflicted upon her.

You feel like you are doing everything right, like actually talking to her and stuff, but the actual kind of sex she is willing to give to you right now just isn't as good as you would like and you need advice as to how to get her to step it up a notch because "you really need it."

Am I hearing this right???

How about focusing on her needs for a change?

SWW

Don't ask her to read any more, since she has stated that he hates revisiting the affair. Dr Harley is against replaying the affair, in the mind or in conversation, so if reading has the effect of replaying for her, do not ask or suggest that she does it any more.

You might not be aware of the fact that you are asking her to do things for you, such as read and regain an interest in sex. However, that is what you are expressing in this thread.

You have no right to ask or hope for things from her for a long time, following your affair. She had every right to end the marriage, and in returning to you she is already forcing herself to do something she is very reluctant to do. You are lucky to be given this chance to rebuild your marriage. Your job now is to vigorously meet her ENS every day and without complaint, and to do nothing in the way of lovebusters.

Wanting her to enjoy sex on your terms is a selfish demand, and thus a lovebuster. You might not be expressing your demand out loud to her, but you are trying to express it to her in physically. It should not exist in your head, at all.

She is traumatised from the affair. You are, in effect, the person who raped her, now wondering why she does not enjoy having sex with you the way she used to, and the way you want her to. You should concentrate on showing her your love for her, as much as she will allow you to, during sex. Her simply having sex is doing an enormous service to you, her rapist.

Where does he state this? I don't remember reading this is SAA.

What kind of sick person repeatedly emotionally rapes his wife then, after 5 months of so-so SF, whines he wants her to do more 'things' for him?

In one of my sessions with Harley, I was advised to put aside the A and focus on the present, focus on spending time with my H and creating new memories. It may be in print somewhere but this is what I was told.

This is hard enough to do.

DJB, don't listen to your Taker. Your Taker is what got you into the As in the first place. You'll have to be full-on Giver to her. Continue to be very loving, supportive, and caring. Focus on HER needs. It is all about HER. She will continue to struggle with what you did for a very long time. Accept that. Strive to be the husband she deserves.

Five months is not anywhere close to five years.

Wanting recovery to happen now is not going to make it so.

I did not bash you. I quoted another poster for bashing you.

I think you need to grow up. You wanted to bang the OW and you did. You ignored the possible damages. Judged the risk was worth it.

Now you want to get laid, relayed, parlayed, overlayed, underlayed, delayed every night by your BW and can't see why she is not at all into SF now.

You danced now you have to pay the band.

If you need to be mad, be mad at the person that did not keep his pants on.

DDD, I think he says more on this in the series on enemies of conversation, but he touches on it somewhat in his article on Resentment. The suggestion is that once the BS has been given all the details of the affair, that it not be brought up again.

here

DJB, the solution is for you and your wife to fall in love again. She is still somewhat averse to you, but the solution will be for her to fall in love again with you. This will also be the greatest protection against a recurrance. The only program i know of that actually teaches one to fall in love is Marriage Builders. It is a step by step program that really works if you follow it.

I would get this workbook and follow the program TO THE LETTER: Five Steps to Romantic Love

The fastest way to achieve this is to spend 20+ hours per week meeting four top needs, sexual fulfillment, conversation, affection and rec companionship. You should actually sit down together tonight and schedule out the times and the activities. THIS will make the most love deposits, the fastest. The Importance of 15 hours per week

Have you and your wife taken the emotional needs and lovebusters questionaires? I would fill those out and exchange them..

Can your wife come here and talk to us?

I want to emphasize the answer to this. The solution is to become GREAT at meeting her needs which will create intimacy. When you do that she will feel better about having sex with you. The most effective way to do this is to SCHEDULE 20+ hours per week of undivided attention. [and I mean undivided, not watching TV together]

And be sure you are not committing any lovebusters. If you are committing lovebusters, all of your efforts will be for naught. Lovebusters questionaire

You cannot make her want SF. SF is one of my top needs too, but after my A.....no way would I push this. Even months later, SF would trigger my H to think about my A and ask himself, "Did she do this with OM? Is she thinking of OM? Am I as good as OM?" You can't rush this. Your job for at least a year after D-Day is to show real repentance and remorse, do whatever you have to to be trustworthy in her eyes, and give give give. This is a grief process. If she had lost a child or a parent, you would not expect her to be over it by now. Humility, sensitivity, unselfishness, transparency....those are your focus, along with meeting her need.

We have several FWS right now who are growing impatient. As a FWW, I can tell you that impatience will set your recovery waaaaay back. At least the first year should be a time relatively free of expectation on your part. It isn't fun, but that's the way it is. And if your M is truly important to you, you will patiently do (or refrain from doing) whatever it takes.

Yes we have filled out the emotional needs questionnaire. Let me repeat I HAVE been doing great at fulfilling her needs. Apparently not the greatest with the love busters when it comes to sex, but I was under the impression we needed to fall back in love and to do that we had to meet each others needs...

I have read this forum for months. Everything on it. All I wanted was some advice on how to make her feel better about intimacy. I am trying to schedule time for us, but we have a young daughter who is not in school. Plus she still does not like being away from her hardly at all which was part of the problem we had before.

Thank you for everyone that is trying to help. I appreciate it.

Your job is to do your job. The more you push her or try to cajole her into meeting your needs, the less she will want to. I understand that this may not be strict MB, but I am telling you my own experience. If I had indicated to my DH a few months out from D-Day that I was doing my part, and he needed to step up to the plate, his response probably would have been to tell me not to let the door hit me on the way out. When I gave my body to another man (and my emotions), I forfeited my right to expect any intimcay from my H unless HE was comfortable with it.

I think people with....strong personalities who become wayward have a really hard time with the patience and humility aspects of recovery. They want their spouses to get with the program. If your W is not fine....it's probably because she isn't fine. And you still need to be the one to do the heavy lifting.

You may not mean it this way, but honestly, it sounds like you are saying you are doing everything right and she is the problem, which 5 months out from D-Day sounds VERY selfish. You can get angry with me if you want, but I have been wayward, and I know what it takes to recover. The one who burned down the house is the one who needs to take primary responsibility for rebuilding it.

As MelodyLane says, there are statements about this in various places. I found this after a quick search, but there is more:

It's true that the better your memory, the more difficult it will be to overcome resentment. That's because resentment is tied to memories, and if you forget the painful event, the resentment is lost along with it. One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.

Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational. And when a spouse comes to me with unresolved feelings of resentment about something their spouse did in the past, I tend to put it on hold and focus on issues that prevent mistakes of the past from recurring. I ask them to trust my judgment, and see what happens to the resentment when the marriage has a chance to become fulfilling. In almost every case, resentment fades, as I predicted. While the painful memories are not entirely forgotten, the most recent marital experiences which are fulfilling and enjoyable, dominate a person's thinking, and resentment becomes weak and infrequent.

Coping With Infidelity: Part 4: Overcoming Resentment