My WW feels that it is unreasonable for her to quit her job. It is in a specialist area and she would struggle to find one in that field and WW would resent me for sure for making her do that. She got very angry when I gave her an ultimatum a few weeks ago and I retracted it as I did not realise her career meant so much to her.

Can I follow Plan A if she still sees him professionally?

She has promised that the affair is over, but I found out that she had met him secretly at the end of April to tell him it was over face-to-face. Prior to that it had been done by e-mails that we had drafted together - I guess he didn't believe they weren't coming from me. Reasonable enough and she didn't want to cause upset by telling me.

Two weeks ago I found a secret mobile phone that she has used just two weeks to speak with him as she missed him. This was a phone that he had given her during the affair that she had never used, but did so on his birthday at the beginning of the month and again two weeks ago. She has taken this back to work and is going to give it back to him.

Should I follow plan A or plan B given these circumstances?

She says she is confused, she doesn't want to hurt me again, but she does want to improve our relationship. I elicited this from her last night and she added a "no promises" to the end. This is enough for me for now. Over the last few weeks we have really got to know each other again and have really supported each other and I feel that things are improving.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Welcome to MB.

You have posted your thread in the wrong forum, since the affair is ongoing and you are not yet in recovery.

I say that it is ongoing because the likelihood is that, whether or not she intended to tell him it was over, when she last saw OM she had sex with him again. If she had wanted to end contact she would have simply ended contact, and ignored his attempts to contact her.

The affair phone is used to speak to him as she always did, telling him her feelings and exchanging intimacies. She will not give it back to him; she has just taken it somewhere where you can no longer come across it, or spy on her.

Plan A is a tool to end the affair, which is the appropriate plan to be in just now. However, you need to be applying it properly. If you move your thread you can be coached through a proper Plan A. Plan A does not involved backing down over a job move when your wife becomes angry. You have essentially given her permission to continue her affair.

Please click the "notify" button and ask a moderator to move this thread to the forum Surviving an Affair.

My WW feels that it is unreasonable for her to quit her job.


Expose to the OMW, other mans wife, and get him to quit HIS job then!

Can I follow Plan A if she still sees him professionally?

There is nothing "professional" about their relationship, unless they are in the porno industry.

She has promised that the affair is over, but I found out that she had met him secretly at the end of April to tell him it was over face-to-face....cause upset by telling me.

Because the fantasy of the affair is still very very ALIVE.

as she missed him. This was a phone that he had given her during the affair that she had never used, but did so on his birthday at the beginning of the month and again two weeks ago. She has taken this back to work and is going to give it back to him.

And you believe this liar.

20+ years ago I also allowed my now wife to continue working with OM, I'm not sure the fantasy aspect of the affair ever died, since I never killed it when I should have. Expose OM and he will abandon your wife dropping her on the floor and running away

God Bless
Gamma

I have done the notify thing SugarCane.

She promises me that she did not have sex when she met with him to end it. I was nearly kicked out that night as I challenged her about the mileage on the car - she was only supposed to be dropping the kids off. She admitted seeing him just before I left and her honesty defused the situation.

The affair phone as you call it can be replaced for peanuts, so there was little point destroying it.

I could contact OMW (partner) they have been together 13 years and not in a very happy relationship. Wouldn't that just escalate tings? I have thought about contacting OM too, but she has said she will hate me forever if I do that.

Thanks for your input.

That's rich! She'll hate you more than she did when she was boinking OM?

The FIRST thing you HAVE to do is call OM's wife and tell her about the affair!

NOTHING is more important than that!

She is the equivalent of a drug addict and if you threaten to take her drug away (OM), she will get mad. You will hear others say it around these parts:

Your marriage can withstand her anger. It cannot withstand an on-going affair.

Her promises mean nothing. Ongoing contact with OM will prevent any type of recovery.

You have to attack this thing with everything -- especially contacting OMW -- or it will not end well for you. Well, that is, unless you want to divorced.

TBC

You are not in Plan A.

You are in Plan Doormat.

The affair will NOT end as long as you continue to act this way.

Please re-read the thread the Carrot and Stick of Plan A.

Dr. Harley says that men typically have greater intestinal fortitude for extended plan A than women do, but even at that, I think he gives it 3-6 months, maximum. If the affair hasn't ended by then, then it's on to Plan B.

Please take some time reading the threads on this board, read and re-read SAA and think about formulating a plan other than the one you are in.

This affair is far from over. You cannot allow WW to work with OM. Every time she see him she will be triggered and will fantasize about the 'good times'. You absolutely, positively cannot recover your marriage unless she goes NC (no contact) with OM forever.

You also must tell OM's wife/partner whatever she is. Who told you that they weren't happy? Your WW? You cannot believe anything coming out of her mouth right now especially as it relates to OM and his wife/partner. You must contact her and tell her about the affair so she can keep an eye on OM on her side.

Botany, the first thing you should do is expose this affair. Part of the reason your wife won't end her affair is because you have helped keep the secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret fuels her fantasy.

Your marriage will never recover as long as she sees her lover every day so you have nothing to lose. Plan A is designed to end the affair. If the affair does not end, then Plan B is warranted. An affair is an addiction just like alcoholism and the only way to recover is to a) stop drinking and b)stay out of the bar. Your wife goes to the bar every day and drinks, but she calls her drinks "business drinks."

The most effective weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Everyone should know about the affair. The OM's wife, your children, all of your parents, and most especially, their EMPLOYER. Exposure ruins affairs. We have had affairs end the day they were exposed. Some last longer, but exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.



Your wife was not honest with you. That was a lie she made up to distract you. And I want to know HOW YOUR WIFE CAN THROW YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOME? For what possible reason would you leave your own home? Is she bigger than you? Does she scare you? Because if that is the case, you should NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME, you should call the police to come protect you from her. But, whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME.

You made a mistake withdrawing your ultimatum. I would explain to her you made a mistake and are INSISTING she leave that job. I don't give a RATSASS how much her "career" means to her. It is irrelevant.

As far as seeing him "professionally," I would ask you if you think an alcoholic can sober up if he changes the name of his drinks to "professional drinks?"

Houseplant:

This is gonna sound harsh, and understand something, I was the OM in a 4.5 year long EA/PA before my BW found MB almost 5 years ago. We are in a fully recovered marraige now.

But when your WW said this:


Let me tell you what happened at this meeting. I have BTDT. My true DDay went different, but I tried to end it a number of times with my OW prior to Dday.

This meeting, was an effort by your WW to insure that she wasn't just a piece of azz to the OM. "That she was important" to him. And that your WW pulled out ALL THE STOPS to insure that SHE was IMPORTANT to HIM.

Unless you have a closed circuit TV Camera feed of thier meeting, you should presume that some serious PA went on. I won't embellish to much to say that some of the *best* was the make-up times.

I tell you this to get you pissed off. To get you to start FIGHTING for your WW.

And call the OM Wife.

You state this:

Its not a very happy relationship because he is doing YOUR wife. And what would you think if SHE had called you and told YOU what was going on? You would have liked to know that little nugget of info, wouldn't you?

And then this:


Others have commented, but your marriage can survive her anger, it will NOT survive her continuing affair.

She may be TELLING you that it is over, but her action clearly indicate that it is NOT.

She went back and met with him.
She has a "secret" cell phone
She works with him

If you want to END this thing, then you have got to start fighting against it.

How was your marriage prior to her starting the affair? Be realistic in your assessment.

LG

She can find another career. Or would you like to find another marriage? Your call.

Your wife is wayward. That makes her a liar, by definition. Believe NOTHING that she tells you. If she says the sky is blue get another opinion.

You need to expose this A immediately. Your best weapon is exposure, and your best targets are their employer and the OM's wife.

Post haste, botany. Chop chop.

She's manipulating her into allowing her affair to continue further underground without consequence. Here is what you do.

Expose to OMW.

Expose to your WW's family and friends.

Expose to her employer.

Insist on NC w/ OM for LIFE including working at another place of employment.

Afraid you would lose your WW forever? Guess what? Even if you did, it would be better than her just continuing to screw OM while you wait at home for her. She's using all these threats to manipulate you into allowing her affair to continue. So, if you don't expose, you have no marriage anyway, more of an "arrangement."

Grow a pair and take care of this threat to your family. Every BS has been told at some point or anther that exposure would/did end things forever. Guess what? Many of us (myself included) are still married with the affair partner out of the picture. Do you want that to be you or would you rather be cuckolded by your WW?

And why were you nearly kicked out? Does your WW hold your balls for you? YOU don't go anywhere. If SHE doesn't like things, SHE can stay elsewhere.

Also, make her replace that phone for peanuts every time she gets one. Eventually, she'll learn you aren't going to take it.

Boohoo. If she isn't willing to stop doing ANYTHING that makes you unhappy, I wouldn't waste any time reconciling with her.

The Policy of Joint Agreement is very reasonable:


If my wife betrayed me AND wasn't willing to subject our entire lives to this very reasonable way of living for married people, I wouldn't waste any more of my life on her.

Then she should find one in a different field.

It has been all said. Can't add more. Expose everywhere including her job.

WW must leave this job asap.

Interesting play on words - how much was she getting paid?

Seriously - do you want to live like this forever or as long they work together?

Sometimes its just wise; if you want to save the marriage, for you all just move away if the OM wont.

Couple of things need to happen:

1.) Expose at the workplace if the OM is in a position of power then there is potential sexual harassment suit to the employer.

2.) Expose to the OMW - you need an ally to keep watch of the OM.

3.) Your wife needs to be checked out for STD - this will show her commitment to the marriage, to your health well being and the embarrassment will help clear some fog.

So you are saying that there is no alternative - NC is the only way?

Gamma you managed to recover and your wife still had contact, so is there a plan C?

Surely every situation is different - she says it I over as she does not want to hurt OM again and does not want to hurt me again. I believe her.

I wasn't nearly kicked out wanted to leave to be honest.

The other thing is she says she hasn't loved me for years... I know it wasn't my fault that she had the affair but we had drifted apart.

How would I tell OMW? very un-British isn't better for her to live in a fools paradise.

There is NO PLAN C.

NC FOR LIFE!

This is KEY. You CANNOT allow contact. AT ALL!

Yes, it is the only way. Ask me how I know


You think it is different but I see that your story plays out here exactly like hundreds of others incl mine.

Why do you you believe her? Wasn't she the same woman who cheated on you???


Start reading.
In help for newly betrayed is written clearly that every WS tries to rewrite history and "I haven't loved you for years" is a VERY VERY COMMON statement among waywards and it should be taken as any other "justification".


I don't know about Brits but it is un-Humane and cruel to hold this information from OMW. Switch your places in your mind and you'll understand what I am talking about.