Hi<BR>As an aside to Nellie 1's post discussing marital disatisfaction related to infidelity and divorce ....<P>Just to add another train of thought here, in her book "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner (A fabulous book on courageous acts of change in relationships by the way), she talks about triangles, and one obvious one is the affair. That is, we develop triangles to stabilise what is happening within a relationship. By drawing in another party, ie. a child, a parent, a friend or, in this case, an OP, we stabilise a relationship in trouble. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> triangles .... detour marital issues via third parties. An affair may calm the person who is experiencing the most anxiety or discontent and stabilize the marriage until the secret is out. After the secret is revealed, relationship issues may still be obscured because so much emotional focus is on the breach of trust that it is difficult for each partner to examine her or his part in the marital distance that predated the affair. The one having the affair .... may have difficulty taking appropriate responsibility. The "done-in" partner may stay so riveted on the betrayal that they never reach the point where they can get self-focused and work on their own issues. Or they may detour a large percentage of their rage towards the "OP" which is not where the more serious betrayal occured.<BR> <BR>AND<P>Triangles take countless forms, but we can count on the fact that when tensions rise between two parties, a third will be triangled in, lowering anxiety in the original pair......... If dyads are inheriently unstable, triangles are inherently stable, just as a tricycle is more stable (although less functional) than a two-wheeler. .....They serve the adaptive function of stabilizing relationships and lowering anxiety when it can no longer be contained between two parties <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Rather than confronting the distance in a relationship, an affair detours emotional energy towards a third party, and "protects" the marriage, keeping the real issues safely underground. An attatchment to another person, in whatever way, ensures that the disatisfaction within the marital relationship is not fully experienced. It stabilises the marriage so neither partner pushes for change, until discovery, when there is no way to "put the cat back in the bag" so to speak, and issues have to be addressed. The solution adopted by one party (the affair), however, then becomes an additional problem in itself. <P>Just some food for thought <p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited October 25, 1999).]

sosad,<BR>That probably is the best description I've ever heard. It also addresses the "third party" as potentially being someone other than the OP. I'd probably add alcohol, drugs, sports/hobby/career fanaticism to a possible list of "third parties" or anything else that can be used to divert attention away from a relationship. <BR>to quote:<BR>The "done-in" partner<BR> may stay so riveted on the betrayal that they never reach the point where they can get self-focused and<BR> work on their own issues. Or they may detour a large percentage of their rage towards the "OP" which is<BR> not where the more serious betrayal occured." In another post I said that an affair, in a twisted way, could potentially make it easier (in the short term at least) for the betrayed to separate and divorce, because the attention is drawn towards the actions of the betrayer, and not the problems in the relationship.

sosad<BR>I read this book as well. <BR>Thank you for posting this. I think that the triangle is a way of distancing and avoiding intimacy. Some people are afraid of the intimacy that a couple should develop so they bring in a third party.<BR>Sometimes it isn't just the disatisfaction they are trying to avoid but also the full commitment.

Hi everyone. <BR>Thanks for your responses.<P>TS, I agree that other things sometimes are used to complete that triangle ... I guess if infidelity is not identified as the cause of, or blamed for the marital breakdown, another "third party" would be. The introduction of a triangle is really a symptom, not a cause, in many ways, in the marital problems.<P>WS - Its a great book don't you think? It helped me a lot to realise that I was an overfunctioner, and that until I acknowledged and let go of some of this behaviour, there was no way my H would be anything other than an underfunctioner, as his personality is really laid back and he was quite happy to let me overfunction. (Or so I thought - this has been proven to me to be wrong after all, I see now he was as frustrated with me as I was with him!) The distancing point gave me something to think about. Thanks.