I think you are in the wrong website my friend, if you dont want to get any advise from SH methods then you need to either:

1. Come back in a couple years when you tried every other method out there.

OR

2. Come back in a couple years after your wife leaves you for this OM

Your Choice.

His "approach" can't make your marriage recover, though. Recovery is impossible as long as the affairees are still in touch That is a stupid approach that will lead to the end of your marriage after an on again, off again affair for YEARS.

You can do what you want, but your marriage won't recover this way.

Of course. But the problem is that your marriage won't ever recover as long as she sees her OM every day. She will be triggered every time she sees him.

The only way to recover is for her to cut off all contact so she can WITHDRAW.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

She knows if OMW finds out about the A, her fun with OM will end. She's not so concerned about you because she knows she can manipulate you.

She will not hate you forever. In fact, she will probably be more attracted to you if you stand up for yourself and your M. The worst thing you can do is continue to be a doormat.

When you expose to OMW and your WW confronts you, you become a broken record ---> I will do what I need to to fix this M.

Gosh, this A is not even close to being over. Please please wake up here.

Botany, I have checked this guy out, and I'm unable to find a quote from him stating that it's unreasonable to demand the WW to leave her job. Not saying it's not there, but could you post a link so we can read that?

I'm sure Andrew Marshall is a very nice person. I'm sure he's helped a lot of people. But in what I've been able to read on him, he says only 21% of his counsellees have indicated that they were having an affair. Which tells me he's counselling couples who are working through other issues 79% of the time.The Harleys specialize in recovery from affairs. Andrew Marshall specializes in relationships as a whole.

If you are correct that he feels it is unreasonable to ask a wayward to leave their job, I am also concerned because his approach is a 'reasoning' approach to a wayward. And you can't 'reason' with a wayward. Their mindset is similar to that of a child. It's all about me me me. It's all about what they want. They will lay waste in their paths to get that.

Waywards abuse their spouses emotionally, they neglect their children, they abuse their positions of authority, they risk being fired from their jobs, they risk losing homes, investments, security - for what?? Their soul mate? How can their AP be their soul mate? What person who truly loved the wayward would allow, even for one second, any of what I just listed to happen?? But you can't tell a wayward that, can you. Because their brains have been overcome by the endorphins of the affair.

How many people would risk an affair if they knew it would destroy them emotionally, financially, and career-wise? I'd wager not many. But 50% of married people will be affected by an affair at some point in their lives. What happened to make so many people risk so much? Does that sound reasonable? Reasoning does not work with a wayward.

Just my two bits. And my experience.

What it tells me is that probably half of the 79% are lying.

It can work out very well for the wayward. It�s cake eating heaven. Not so much for the marriage.

Someone once had this in their signature line;

�All carrot and no stick makes Jill a Girl�s Gone Wild video star.�

Botany, why don't you do this: spend the evening on this site, reading every thread that you can in the Surviving an Affair forum. You'll see a pattern. You'll see folks who didn't expose and what happened, as well as those who did. I can't think of a better education than to spend some time reading these threads.

Yeah, why don't you read Floridapad's two threads. Learn everything he did, and then do the opporsite. You'll be fine.

Why do I feel like we are talking/helping someone who is not there? Are we talking to ourselves? I SURE hope NOT!

That is truly brilliant. And REALLY funny........

TBC

Botany,

Gamma you managed to recover and your wife still had contact, so is there a plan C?

I recovered after I found MB about 2 years ago, but to this day 20+ years she still feels OM was faultless and protects him. If OM was married at that time I would still expose him in an instant.

I suspect partly because she continued to work with OM it normalized her affair as a brief episode in an otherwise "healthy relationship with OM".

Exposing to OMW will cause OMW to turn up the heat on OM who will then drop your wife like a hot potato, killing the aura of the affair. Don't let the fantasy live.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, I think he is under the impression that a) your wife still works with her OM and b) your marriage recovered while that happened. Can you please clear this up for him?

Botany,

I am not Gamma, but I do have some experience in trying to R while your WS is still seeing the OP at work.

When I found out about my H's EA, he begged me for a second chance...he swore he would do anything to save our M and started looking for another job and swore on a stack of bibles that he would not talk or interact w/OW at work anymore ~ that he couldn't believe he risked our M for OW and he didn't want her. The texting & phone calls ended. But he remained "confused" and I could sense something was wrong.

Everyone here hammered me with the same thing people are trying to tell you ---> they can't work together AT ALL without endangering your M. I didn't think this really applied to me. I mean, I gave my H an opportunity to leave but he wanted to stay with me, he was actively looking for another job.

It turned out he was still talking & flirting with OW at work. They technically "ended" their EA but they couldn't stay away from each other at work... It kept setting us back. Every time he acted distant or withdrawn, it was like a mini-D-day to me, especially when I had felt like we were making some progress.

It worked out for us in the end as he left work when I found out and never returned. After a few weeks, he seemed like himself again and he told me the "fog" they talk about on this site is true. He will be the first person to tell you that affair partners working together just doesn't work.

So to summarize...Each time your WW is acting distant or confused or withdrawn, just remind yourself: She will continue to act this way as long as she is working with OM.

Yes, and it stands for Plan Cuckold.

You are never just talking to yourselves. Other people are reading and even if the OP is gone others need to see the answers that work.

Okay, Botany, people took you at your word and gave you the harsh truth, based on Dr. Willard Harley's 35+ years of experience specializing in helping couples recover from affairs (and in watching couples refuse to recover), plus their own experience. Can you handle it? Will you run away because they were harsh and so unyielding? Will you go try everything else, make it worse, and come back two years later wishing you'd listened?


Please try this. Education is the key.

I've only got since January reading these threads, but I've seen plenty examples of people who tried it both ways.

Some of the people posting two you have TEN YEARS of experience watching these stories.

I hate to tell you this, but the stories are all nearly mostly the same. One common thread is the betrayed spouse starts out thinking his situation is uniquely different. That almost always happens. Other things the same is things the wayward spouses say; they almost always say the exact same things.

The one major thing that is different is what the betrayed spouse chooses to do. That's just about the only thing that can go one of two different ways.

Go read ten different stories. Or twenty. Or at least hang around for a month and read new stories as they come up.

Education is key.

Here's what I don't understand: does exposing to the OM/OW spouse always work? I mean, why does the OM drop the WW "like a hot potato?" Is it a game for him, or is one affair partner always a little deeper in than the other?