Margie? How are you doing these days?

I agree with this Margie, you have to figure out WHAT YOU want and WHAT are YOUR boundaries.
Pepper had to keep beating me with 2x4's to accept this and then make a plan, and then stick to that plan.
Because I kept wishing it would just all go away....
But it doesn't just go away, it is staring right at you and you now have to decide.
When I made the choices I made, I wanted to know that when everyone looked back, including myself; that my behavior and choices reflected who I am and what I stand for.
It has taken many more 2x4's from people on this forum to accept what is happening in my life, deal with it in a manner that helps me recover, and to stop wishing....at least in reality.

So hugs to you, I hope you are doing well today.

I talked to H. Told him I was uncomfortable with him going to singles sites and flirting with the TM girl. I told him it was crossing a boundary and it was a deal breaker if he was not willing to stop.

He has stopped and started connecting with me a tiny bit more. It helps me Plan A so much better just getting any amount of "give" from him.

Thank you all.

Hi Margie,

First, it is good to see you at least post here again.

It sounds like you have thought about your situation and have your goal in sight.

You hit the nails in your first paragraph! Boundaries, and not making a spouse feel uncomfortable. A loving spouse does not make his/her spouse uncomfortable. The loving spouse who is being made to feel uncomfortable informs the other spouse that he/she is uncomfortable with what the other spouse is doing.

Whatever you are doing, keep going kid!

Tom

My husband wanted to read my thread and he pointed out many details that I missed. I want to set everything straight and get the whole truth out.

One thing that really bothers him is that I tried to like the things, music, etc that he liked while we were dating. There were things like being involved in the goth/alternative community that little by little I just couldn't handle. By that point we were married so I cheated him out of doing things that he liked (not just the goth/alternative community, that was just one thing) like music (heavy metal) etc. Hanging out and going out with people, I tried to like to like and keep doing but I just didn't. So in that aspect I really tricked him into thinking I liked or was ok with these things while we were dating then slowly not liking or not being ok with them early in our marriage.

The first guy I had an affair with had a little more history than I let on. We were in the Army together and we were stationed in Korea. He was attracted to me the whole time but we were always just friends. One night while we were in Korea we got messed up drunk and he tried to have oral sex with me while I was sleeping. I came to and stopped him. Fast forward to the spring of 08, I never told my husband about that situation. The guy ended up moving in with us for a few months. My H started becoming uncomfortable with the OM, the OM was flirting a lot with me but I dismissed it. A lot of times we stayed up drinking and my H asked me to come to bed and I chose to stay up drinking. The affair happened a few days before he moved out. We were up late drinking, my H decided to go to bed and asked me to go to bed with him. I decided to stay up drinking more. I don't remember the conversation I was having with OM at all. We went outside and all that I can assume is that we went outside with the intent of having sex. I don't know where we went or ended up. I remember being or laying on rocks somewhere. The next thing I do remember was walking down the hallway in my house, brushing my teeth and going to bed.

A few months later I was talking on instant messenger with an ex boyfriend. We started reminiscing about old times and kind of what could have been. When my H found that conversation and confronted me about it is when I told him about the affair with the previous guy to change the subject.

At some point, I don't know I think it was the summer of 09 we met a couple on craigslist. We hung out once or twice. I was talking to the guy on instant messenger when we started flirting, him talking about being naked in the bath etc. My H found that conversation.

When I started going to school in the fall of 09 I had a crush on one of my professors and wrote him a few emails telling him that I liked him. I was also on single's sites and talked to a few guys there.

I'm extremely passive aggressive, I start and instigate fights. I push my H buttons. I honestly don't realize it at the time but when I think back on the fight we'd had I can tell that I was doing those things on purpose. Borderline personality disorder was mentioned once by one of my counselors but he's since left the VA center I went to and I've started talking to someone else. I looked it up and I have a lot of the traits of borderline personality disorder. I have hurt my H physically and mentally. I cannot stop lying. I've lied about who I've went out with (girl friends who had the BBQ where I had the ONS who just wasn't a good person, encouraged me to cheat, she was cheating on her H. Another girl who dislikes my H, talks bad about him and tells me to leave him.) I lied to these "friends" about my H, making him seem like a horrible person and exaggerating fights we'd had and things that were said. I've lied about money, what I've bought and spent it on, maxed out credit cards, used up our savings on just crap. Lie about the keylogger and the emails I got from the keylogger. Filed for divorce behind his back, lied about a loan I got to pay for the lawyer retainer. Lied about just about everything all the time.

The second guy I had a ONS with, I had my kids with me. They were all sleeping in the living room with a bunch of other kids. Two of the other women there at the BBQ were in other rooms having sex with guys they had also just met that night. That's how I just ended up having sex with the guy I met that night.

To be clear, I don't deserve "props" or whatever for trying to save my marriage. I've put my husband through hell and I continue to do so. I do want my marriage and I want to do the right thing and I want it to be a good marriage. I have so much work to do on myself that I feel horrible for my H for being stuck with me. He's wanting a divorce now. I don't know where we're at.

Margie - I'm glad you're still here. Thank you for coming clean with all the details... You truly are in a 'big old mess' but the first step to fixing it is admitting to the totality of what you did.

You need to accept that he has a right to divorce after what you have put him through. The right thing here may be loving him enough to realize that he may not recover from what you've done to him, and letting him go. I know it's hard and my heart aches for you.

People have advised you to contemplate and identify what you want out of your marriage and what marriage means to you. If you've written all that out, share it with him and lay out your plan for rebuilding your marriage. Accept, however, that he may not want you or the marriage. He may leave. That is a consequence of your actions you will have to accept.

If he stays, or goes you have some deep personal recovery that needs to happen before you ever even contemplate another relationship.

If he's read your thread, is he willing to consult with the Harley's? That is really the best thing for both of you right now, and probably the only thing that will help - more than just posting here.

Hey hi Margie,

I was looking for someone else's thread and saw you are back.

I agree with Vibrissa, do you think your H would participate here?

I feel it took courage and honesty at this point to post the rest of your story. That is a beginning, and you need to formulate a plan for change based on the your frailties. Everyone has frailties Margie, that impact others.

I am glad to see you back, but on your own, and based on your heart of hearts, you need to develop Your plan for change despite the feelings of your husband. I hope you guys are able to afford and are willing to counsel with S. or J. Harley.

No judgement here Margie, but you have a tough row to hoe.

My prayers,

Tom

I didn't think my H would want to come here, plus I was afraid of him getting mad at my snooping on his computer and phone, which he did. Since he knows about all of it now, there's no harm in it. He has since started his own thread.

I brought up the Harleys but since my H hasn't been on this site long I think he wants to read a little more about the MB principles before thinking about that. I would like to and, financially, we've gotten lucky lately and got a lump sum from SS Disability so we'd actually be able to. I will talk to him about it again. Do you guys have any people who post here that have success stories about using the Harleys? I'm sure there are some out there somewhere. My H doesn't have any confidence in MCs right now since we've been to a few and nothing has worked. That's probably more my fault than the MCs' fault.

So I'm here with a new page to my story. He should not have given me as many chances as I've had, I'll be the first to say this. I know this is IT. There are no other chances and I have what many don't, this final attempt to save my M.

Margie - I'm glad you're here. I saw that your H posted as well. I replied in his thread. You both have a lot of work to do, but I think it is something that you CAN do.

It would be wonderful if you could use that money for some coaching. I'll see if I can dig up some success stories for y'all.

ETA: If you go to the forum list, there is a Forum called Notable Posts, if you go to 'Notable Posts and Threads' and scroll through the list, there are links to a section called Success Stories. There are also several threads with success stories. Here is one that I found doing a quick search.

Margie:

I am an MB Success story. Wayward for 4.5 years, but really, for years before that in my actions and the ways I treated Flamingo.

We went to the MB Weekend. It saved our marriage, and in many ways, my life. It has been a long road to travel, this road of recovery. Many people are not really capable of it.

Thats why I keep recommending that you fix yourself. That you truly examine what your life has been like, and to truly measure it next to what your life could be like, and start making those changes.

LG

Hey Margie,

Glad to see you back on here! I read your husband's thread as well....(also, I didn't want to post it on his thread, but Margie - people have been harsh with you too, did it run YOU off? )

Just wanted to say, we had our first counselling session with the Harleys. Now, I can't say we're a success story yet, but WH is listening. And that's a start. I have never felt so good about a MC as I did with Steve. Even if you guys can try a just a couple sessions with him, it's worth it!!

The fact that you are both here posting shows you both have some inclination to work on the marriage, and really do what it takes to have a happy one.

You can do this, with MB. Truly examine what you have both been so far, and work out a plan for where you want to go.

edit

Margie, don't read your husband's thread. I know that's easier said than done, but it will do you good. Let the people on here deal give him advice, and don't worry about what he's saying or doing on his thread.

As for the MB sessions - you don't have to NEVER pay back the other bills, but right now, what do you NEED more? Even if you book just two sessions with the Harleys, it might give you both some guidance in getting your marriage back on track.

edit

Margie, print those out and ask him how any of those could be taken innocently. And I promise you - I have NEVER said I love you to any of my male friends, no matter how close. Never. Nor have I sent sexy pics of myself to men other than my husband.

And as for Plan A - he sees what he wants to see. Just do your best.

You're so nice, you always make me cry.

Hi Margie,

Got home a little early today and first thing I did is check my garden. Since I haven't had one in like ten years I'm excited and a little anxious. It's been unusually warm here now for May so guess I will need to water again tonight. This is a container garden on the patio. The tomatoe plants seem to be growing in the right direction - vertically - but darn if I can get the marigolds to bloom at all..

Anyway, before you think I am just crazy or on the wrong site I was glad to see that your H is now a member here and is posting. I haven't read much of his thread, but I agree with NP fully that it's much better at this stage to refrain from posting on each other's threads. Also, in terms of your available funds, would he agree to using those funds to invest in MB counseling now (1.e., investing in a plan for each of you to save your marriage) and to pay him back over time later on?

I can't remember Margie, but have you two competed the EN Questionnairs? If you haven't and now that he is here and has been exposed to them why don't you raise that with him. Focusing on meeting each of the top two or three EN's should eliminate at least to some degree the LB's.

Another thing Margie is that you two seem to spend quite abit of time absent each other. I.e., he has friends who you may not like that much. I mentioned this to another member here, are there clubs, orgasnizations, etc. that you two could join that would meet both of your interests and where you could both meet friends both of you could like and be comfortable with. My wife was very interested in crafts years ago (she has no interest or patience for them now), and we joined a park district sponsored craft club. We enjoyed being together and we spent almost a whole year learning about docoupage (sp) and also met some kewl people who were interested in the same things. Personally I did not enjoy the knitting classes tho...*s*...okay am being really silly but i'ts been that kind of a crazy day tho. Also, we joined a neighborhood action group where we lived and met some great neighbors there. What I am trying to say is that these RC time seemed to lesses whatever marital differenced we may have had at the time.

At the same time Margie, using whatever means and resources you have available continue to work on your own weaknesses (yes we all have them) and continue with your self-change.

Just keep going.

Tom

Hi again Margie,

I have read more of your H's thread after I last posted you.

I need to tell you that I am going to back away for my own reason. The dynamic now between you and your H is so intense on here now, that I do not feel qualified in any way to comment. This is no reflection at all on you Margie, and it has nothing to do with my hopes that you and H will be able to recover your marriage. It is just that you need to have pro's now guiding you like the Harley's.

Margie I truely wish you the best and you will be in my prayers along with a number of people here..

Tom

edit

Perhaps this is why it's best not to both be posting on the forums until you are in a healthier place. Again, DO NOT look at his thread! And stop trying to push the blame around for what's happened to your marriage. It's not about matching up stories, it's about fixing what's happened. And you both know the truth, more than anyone on here will ever know, because yes, posting is very one sided.

Nobody is here to judge you.

Margie try ONE session with the Harleys. Try to get him to agree to that. And take it from there.

If you stop posting because of the back-and-forth between you two on here, you are giving up on your marriage. Is that what you want?