No, you can spend everyday wondering if OM is shagging your wife in the water closet.



No, every situation has some OM shagging someone's wife.


Didn't you also believe her when she whipped off her panties for OM and lied to you about it? How'd that work out?



So it's "British" to let someone maybe get an STD? Glad we sent you packing.

WOW....please stop thinking your helping the OMW by keeping her in the dark! your helping your WW & the OM to hoodwink her....make a fool of her...and she could be your best way to kill this affair! She would want it stopped just as much as you do....think about that.

How could you NOT inform her??

I am British and for a long time, I was OMW living in a fool's paradise. That was a horrible place to be. I could not work out what was wrong with my marriage, and why my H was so fake and short-tempered with me and the children. It turned out that both I and OWH discovered the affair during its first few months, and because we believed our spouses that it was over, and because we did not believe in hurting the other innocent parties in the marriages, we allowed the affair to continue for a three more years. It was my exposure to OWH that finally put the affair to death.

When I found out that the affair had never died, two years after after my first discovery, I discovered OW's identity. I then changed from being innocent OMW to being OMW who withheld knowledge from the other BS because I did not want to hurt him or his children, or break up his marriage. Meanwhile, WH and OW were free to continue plotting and scheming to break up mine. Their contact went on for nearly two years more; dwindling, and reduced to phone contact only in the end, but contact nonetheless.

My H says that he never wanted to leave my marriage and entered the affair because he enjoyed the excitement. OW, however, actively tried to break up my marriage. Once she realised that I had given my H an ultimatum and he had apparently chosen me, she tried to "out sex" me, and leaked details of their nights together to his phone, knowing that I would read them, hoping that I would throw him out. She, meanwhile, had moved out of her marital home and to work in another country, without calling this a formal separation. She was very serious about my H.

When her H and I finally made contact, we wept with grief at the knowledge that we had both had the means to stop this affair dead within its first few months. OW's children, especially, suffered more than mine at the continued affair. Her teenaged son once took her phone without asking, and saw "hundred" of sexy text messages from my H to her. He showed them to his older sister, and she, frightened, said that they must not tell their father because their parents would break up. They continued to read and hurt about these messages while the affair continued. I cannot think what that did to their young minds. When their father finally talked to them about his discoveries, they said, "Dad, we know". Their son called OW a ho and their daughter said "haven't you noticed, Dad, that I never look at her? I never look her in the eyes. She is a just a liar and fake. I really hate her." Her regular readings of her mother's affair texts had done that to her. That would never have happened had we exposed as soon as either he or I found out about the affair.

British people hurt just as much from affairs, from being gaslighted, from not knowing what is wrong with their marriages, from their children reading text messages, and from the inevitable discovery, years down the line, that someone knew about the affair and could have helped them stop it, just by exposing. OWH and I were pathetically glad when exposure finally happened, and I have never heard anyone here say any different.

British people might have a reputation for being restrained, but they are decent, for heaven's sake. Don't be a worm. Expose, and help that poor woman and her children.

Maybe you can show us all how it is done, but I have never seen a case that recovered in 10 years where the affairees stayed in contact. Dr Harley says recovery is IMPOSSIBLE while there is still contact. [he has been doing this for 35 years] But maybe you can show us all how it is done.

I can point you to numerous cases where contact was not ended and the affairs turned into 5, 10, 15 year affairs, though.

Again, I have NEVER seen a marriage recover this way.


They all the "haven't loved you in years." It is classic rewriting of history


So if your neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him you wouldn't warn him because it is better to live in a "fools paradise?"

Surely you just have not thought this through. There is nothing gentlemanly about not warning someone they are being harmed behind their back. Telling the OM's wife helps EVERYONE, your wife, the OM, you and the OMW. The OMW can protect herself and her children from the affair. She can't very well do that if she doesnt know.

Botany, if you want to save your marriage, you will follow the advice given here. If not, it is all the same to me.

You have the power in your hands to stop this affair dead and instead are choosing to enable it. Your conflict avoidance will cause you more conflict and grief than you will ever know. welcome to a life of hell if you don't take action to stop this affair.

Each and every day your wife's feelings for her lover will be triggered. Every day the OM's feelings for your wife will be triggered. She will never withdraw and your marriage will never recover. You are facing a death of a thousand cuts in order to avoid conflict.

I am still furious that OWH knew about their A for months and didn't tell me! How cruel, for people to know that this terrible crime is being committed against me, while I was at home wondering why nothing I ever did for my H was okay. Why he was always yelling at me and the kids. Why he always seemed moody and withdrawn.

There I was, trying to better myself and fix what was 'wrong' with me - when there wasn't anything wrong with me! He was just screwing a co-worker!!

Don't be guilty of this, botany.

Botany:

Some of the posts seem harsh to you. But this post says everything you need to know about WHY you need to contact the OM wife or partner:

You can come here and get advise and do something about it, or you can get on here get advise and do NOTHING about it. It's your decision to end the A, if you want your marriage back and your wife then I suggest you DO SOMETHING about it, not come on here and praise your wife telling you the truth because she ISN'T! My husband believed me in two EA and guess what? He was in 9 MONTHS of PAIN because he believed me but surely my actions spoke different, he then got the balls and exposed my A. So which is it? Do something NOW to fix your marriage? Or have 9 months of pain?

Your Choise

Thanks for the endorsement, lg.

PS Botany,

The British might be restrained, but they are not cowards.

Don't worry about being harsh nothing can
come close to the trauma of the initial discovery ; )

one British writer on the subject says it is
an unreasonable demand to ask ww to leave
job. Even if she did leav they could still meet if they wanted.

http://www.andrewgmarshall.com/how-can-i-ever-trust-you-again/

if I buy into this approach any tips on the hope?

You can hope you don't get an STD!

I meant how - autocorrect on
my phone went wrong

Same answer. You can wonder HOW you can avoid getting an STD.

Why don't you post on the Andrew G Marshall website then? I don't know anything about him, but from my and Dr. Harley's experience, the affair NEVER fully ends and your marriage will NEVER get better if your WW has contact w/ OM. There are posters on here that will tell you they were months into recovery when a chance meeting w/ OM ended their marriage. Sure, if they want to continue to see OM, they still can. However, if they work together, it makes it EASY to see OM. Your WW wants both of you. She wants OM to meet her needs, and she wants you to take care of the bills and the kids. She feels she can have both as long as you don't know about it.
She can easily get away with that working together, claiming the contact is "strictly professional," when in fact, it is most likely not. I don't know what you mean by "not very British," but I assume it to mean "not very manly, feminized."

If you want to continue to be a sissy, have your WW keep your balls in her purse, and have OM continue an on again, off again affair indefinitely with your WW while your marriage goes into the crapper, then by all means, ignore our advice.

I'll give you a tip: there is no hope.

You must be able to work out that since we use the Marriage Builders principles and strategies, we would not support anything that contradicts Dr Harley. We here have read the evidence he gives for saying that when APs continue to work together the affair reignites, or never ends. He gives his advice because he has tested various strategies on thousands of clients, before coming to the conclusions that make up MB. He is not merely giving his opinions here; he is basing them on evidence.

Does Marshall give evidence of many cases where the WS showed enough commitment to leave the job, but still carried on the affair? Of course contact could still happen, but how many times has he seen this happen?

What he says sounds more like "common sense" to me than evidence, and common sense has not been very successful at solving marital problems, as most of us here have learned.

My WS changed job, so that he no longer travelled, but stayed within his organisation, so he did not make a big change. This allowed his OW to maintain contact via work, by phone. That contact was becoming more and more pointless, though, as they could not meet.

However, it was my exposure to her H, as I wrote, that ended the affair for good. Not only did her H insist that she change jobs and move back home if she wanted the marriage to continue, but the details that she heard from her H about my marriage made her mad as a wasp. She was furious that my H told me that she had done all the chasing, for example. She was furious that, at the point of this final showdown, when her H learned the truth of the 4-year affair and threatened to throw her out, my H chose to make crystal clear that he was not leaving me and he did not want to go with her, whatever happened to her marriage, or his.

The affair broke up in a final "F you" rant from OW, when she said "you're not dumping me! I'm dumping you!"

We have told you to expose AS WELL AS to demand that your wife leave her job. My experience shows that BOTH strategies are necessary. You cannot do parts of the affair-ending strategy without the whole. You cannot do ANY parts of MB without the whole, if you wish to have a successful marriage.

It is futile for you to try and get us to endorse anything other than NC and exposure.

Don't be a coward, Botany.

Where is Chrisner when we need him?

If you wife is leaving the marriage to be with her lover she may find ways to meet with him.

However, if your wife would like to at least try to recover the marriage then NC is a must.

Understand one thing:

A romantic affair is the most addictive condition in the entire galaxy. Even if she badly wants to mend the marriage the presence of OM at work will have devastating effects.

Assume they don't have any more sex: A look, a wink, a smile, a word, a phrase, body language will keep the flame alive for years to come. And eventually she will fall for the temptation and will tell herself "it was meant to be, I really tried".

Imagine you are an addiction doctor treating a raging alcoholic and you tell the alcoholic that it is OK to go to the pub every night. You know what? Sooner or later the alcoholic will start to drink again.

With NC the flame and the passion will eventually die and only then will your wife be able to reconnect with you. Otherwise her hearty belongs to OM and humans can only have romantic love for one person at a time.