He's telling her that he is leaving, so I am suggesting to write out a Plan B when he leaves, so she is prepared, being prepared will make you feel strong! If he doesn't then stay in Plan A. Keep us posted on how things are, I truly hope he doesn't leave the house and he decides to stay.

I need some help with a plan B letter.

I will come back in a bit - at work now - but hang in there, you are doing fine -

Found this one, to give you an idea, read it.

[i]Dearest WH,

After much thought, I have made a decision on the road I need to follow. I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where your affair with POSOW was possible.

I have learned better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. We can not do that while you are still in contact with POSOW.

Until then, I have chosen to avoid seeing you or talking to you. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children. Please let me know when you will be back in town and I will arrange to have your bag by the front door. You can return while I am at work to pack up the rest of it.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our marriage and begin the rest of our lives together. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

Perfect responses. To "I disagree with that statement" you could just say, "Okay."

And for the last one: "No, I only do that when my husband is dating another woman."

But be careful. As I said, he strikes as somebody who could be very nasty because he's a bully and he is not accustomed to having you stand up to him. Bullies don't like that.

Keep that cell phone in your hand. Do NOT let him put you out of the house. If you have to, call 9-1-1 and let them put HIM out. Tell him that you only want your husband in your home and you do not want some other woman's boyfriend in your home. If your own husband does come back, you will be very glad to see him. But as long as he wants to be some other woman's boyfriend, he can and should go and stay with her.

Actions taken to end the affair are NOT "lovebusters". They are absolutely necessary if your marriage has any hope and they ARE a part of Plan A.

Remember - Plan A is not "Plan Don't Upset the WS". If it was, you'd be ironing his shirts for him to go on his dates with the OP and sitting up with milk and cookies for him when he got him and telling him how happy you are that he has a wonderful girlfriend to enjoy. That is NOT Plan A!!

I have posted a very good explanation of this below, in case you have not seen it.


Six months is way long enough for Plan A. Sapphire has given you a great description of Plan B. There is no doubt you will need Plan B. Please keep reading here about how to go about it.

And hang in there. If WH is furious, it's because what you did WORKED. Otherwise, he wouldn't care, would he?

Heh.

"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WH didn't sleep at home last night. He was here for a bit when he came home to shower. Won't look at me or acknowledge my presence.

I wrote him a note, hope it wasn't a LB

Dear H,
I love you. I love you very much and I hope someday you will understand how much I care for you and am willing to fight to save our marriage.
You are a good man, a wonderful provider and I admire your dedication to your job and also the Fire D.
Love W

He tossed the note aside w/o looking at it.

I dunno what I was trying to achieve with this note. Trying to salvage something.. but I think he's just too angry at me to care.

Just a few minutes ago, I noticed(even though he did it the same day I sent the FB exposure) that took just about all the money from our joint savings and put it in his own personal savings acct.

He doesn't really need the money, he makes 7X as much as I do.

WOW. AHFOL, how much of that money belonged to you? Take the rest and put it in your account NOW before he cleans you out and leaves you high and dry. That's a HUGE warning sign. Is there any way you can notify your bank that any withrdrawals other than automatic ones for bills, etc, need to be approved by BOTH of you?

Where did WH go last night? Your note was not a LB. Even if he chose to not read it and throw it aside, which was clearly a tactic to hurt you, if you are doing Plan A (haven't been closely following your thread so I'm not sure), then this was a good thing to do. Just keep trying. He may be angry but if there is any hope for your marriage, he will get over it.

ahfol, you need to get legal representation *right now*. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but you need to file for either legal separation or for divorce.

You MUST do this to protect your assets. Tell them that he cleaned out almost all the money and that half of it belongs to you.

If you don't get legal protection, there is nothing to stop him from taking all the money or from cleaning out everything you've got in the house - or taking the vehicles - or anything else.

Like I said, he is a bully and he's mad because you stood up to him. Now you have to protect yourself.

Do not fear filing for divorce. If he comes to his senses, you can always call it off - but if you don't protect yourself legally *right now*, you could well end up with nothing.

Go get the phone book right away and find yourself an attorney. Plan A is done and now it's time for Plan B, which includes Protecting Yourself. He will not do that, so that leaves you.

The note was perfect! Yes I agree if he is taking all his money out of your joint account, he is basically saying that he is in charge of this marriage. You need to be strong and start protecting yourself.

If you have joint accounts take your money and put it in a separate one so he can't get into.

If you don't have joint accounts make sure he can't get into yours, so if he knows your account information I recommend going to your bank and putting a protection on it, so he can't take anything.

Don't do or say anything that will upset him, just keep giving him your Plan A face

He will be very angry towards you for the next week, don't ask him anything where he slept, it will only hurt you mainly because I know he was with the OW. Keep protecting your assets, and snooping, be the best wife to him, so when you have to give him your plan B letter he will miss those memories he had with you before you kicked him out.

Good Luck! And keep up updated

I guess you could say the money was his anyways... I hardly ever touched the joint accts. He makes a majority of the money, he pays for just about everything. I work PT and make less than 13K a year. I pay for groceries / gas / other home items.

I am totally financially screwed now. Hind sight being 20/20, if I had known that my marriage was going to fall apart in less than a year, maybe I could have saved up.

If you make less than 13K a year, isn't he responsible for spousal support? Legally you are entitled to that money, whether he made it or not! Get on the phone to an attorney asap.

Yes NP is right, since he was the main financial support in the marriage then it is his right to still give you $$ after the divorce (if it comes to that) I would definitely go to a lawyer if you are concerned. That way you can set your self up financially if it goes badly. Like I said...

Being Prepared only makes you stronger.

I just read your thread from page 1 until now and I would just like to add a few things.

In Plan A, NO RELATIONSHIP TALK.

You need to STOP telling him you love him. You keep on telling him that you believe that you can save this marriage and that you are willing to do anything that you need to do.

You say that you have been in Plan A for about 6 months. What are your WH's top ENs? What LBs were you guilty of committing and now you don't commit anymore?

You will have to go to Plan B, but let's make sure you get a solid Plan A in there first, K?

I'd have to guess that his top ENs are: SF, Rec. C, Admiration, and Physical Attractiveness.

He won't let me get near with the SF.. I've tried, he pushes away. I'm sure I've LB enough on this over the years.

Rec. C. - he's been more athletic in the past 3 years with his new job. I wasn't. We've since joined the same gym.. but he won't go with me and he'll leave if I show up.
I went jogging with him once though.
He had mentioned in Dec. that he wanted to go hiking when it got warm out. I've tried a few times and he has turned me down.

Admiration - I dunno if this was ever a LB, I've always been proud of him. I just try to tell him more now.

Phys. Attract.. - I've lost 15lbs since Feb.

I've been trying so hard.. I don't know how to get through to him.

You are doing great, don't give up! As long as you are still in Plan A, be strong, this will be tough considering you both don't have kids together, so for him to leave will be pointless since the only person he'll be hurting is you right now and that's what he really wants, if kids were involved then he'll be hurting his kids as well and parents can't take that.

Start protecting yourself like I've posted above, my husband started separating all of our joint accounts and making new ones for him with out me knowing. This was just one percation so I wouldn't steal all his money, I do not feel any resentment that he did this by the way. I believe he was only protecting himself and the boys.

Have you written out your Plan B letter yet? If not then I suggest you do so, it doesn't sound like he wants to do anything with this marriage.

Is he still contacting the ow?
What has his family/friends say to you since the exposure?
Are you getting comforted and help by family and friends?
Have you looked for a lawyer who can help you if things get bad?
Have you been gathering all the evidence of this A? Phone bills, emails, text, ect.

These are the things you need to start thinking about. So you are prepared.

You can still do some things about SF even without having SF. You would dress to the NINES. You can text and email your WH some thought about SF. I would email about dreams I had that were about SF with WH. I would elaborate and make sure that I put in all of the things that I knew WH liked.

Rec Com, for right now, you ask WH if he would like to join you in (whatever activity) and if he turns you down, you go anyways and have FUN. Let him know that you are not just sitting around the house moping.

Admiration, you can try to admire him to others while you are within earshot of your WH. That puts so much LB$ in that it is truly worth it.

PA-just make sure you look your best ALWAYS. Smell good and act like you feel GREAT.

You should read the post that Mark put on this thread

Scotty - I think it's too late for any more Plan A. Her WH has moved out and is cleaning out the bank accounts. She needs to protect herself NOW or she may well find herself with NOTHING.

AHFOL - you will never be able to reach him while he's still got his girlfriend. That's like trying to reach an alcohol while he's still drinking. It's just not possible.

You did the best Plan A you could - better than many could do. Now it's time to take care of yourself and protect yourself. He is liable to get very nasty and vindictive if you don't get an attorney between you and him. Taking your money was just the first step.

Please come back and tell us you have looked up an attorney and made an appointment to speak with them ASAP.

I guess I musta missed where her WH moved out. I thought he was in a different room. Sorry read this thread all today and my kiddos decided to have a mental health day home from school. I will go about my business.