I was here a few years before and everything seemed to be going well. WW and I survived an ongoing affair with a man she worked indirectly with. After much bringing the affair to light and much counseling we seemed to be doing fine. It has recently transpired that I found rimantic text messages on her phone that had only a partial #, i had seen other bits of evidence so i kept a close eye on things, after lately seeing a rash of similar texts from same number, i asked her what was going on. Well she started accusing me of not trusting her and she had went out of her way to rebuild trust acting very defensive. She gave me a hint of a threat (inferred) that she may just leave if i couldn't trust her. Any advice? As this has happened before I am semi-experienced always on the look-out without looking like a snoop. Not sure of OM's identity yet. Help! This is hell

You know what she is up to! Snoop. Follow her. Put a voice activated recorder in her car. Do whatever it takes to make her admit the truth.

...or Flexispy.

What is Flexispy?

I am willing to try anything. I don't know how much I can take. I don't ask for much only honesty, but we know at this point it is mostly non-existant. After 25 + years of marriage I am seriously considering leaving if there is not absolute honesty, and maybe even then it would be too much to remain in this. I don't want to live life looking over my shoulder or wondering why she is late or where she is at. Life is too short.

This is called deflection. A very common tactic among waywards that are confronted. She is just trying to put the spotlight back on you instead of where it belongs....on her.

Did you use MB principles during the last affair? Did you expose to friends and family? Did she send a no contact (NC) letter? Did you use Plans A and/or B?

freshday, it sounds like your marriage did not recover from the last affair, so here we are again. Recovery from an affair must include basic affair proofing [sounds like your wife is not doing this and has opposite sex friends] and a plan to fall back in love again. If that does not happen, repeat affairs are likely to happen.

Your marriage CAN recover, but it will be a very narrow path. If I were in your shoes I would find out who the OM is and expose the affair wide and far. Confront the OM. Tell everyone about the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and telling everyone increases the chances the affair will die and helps the WS learn her lesson.


Sorry you are here.

This is the problem. She lives a secret second life that makes it possible for her to have affairs. This will have to stop if you want to save your marriage.

Can you hire a private investigator?

Listen to MelodyLane about exposure......
Affair people do not have as much fun when they know they are actually hurting people that know.......
Let them realize how much this hurts others and make them embarrassed.
Hopefully she will come to her senses and be the wife she should be, snoop, get your evidence and then expose to the fullest....
It is your only shot at saving your marriage....
I've been married 23 years and I seemed to have turned things around from his affair to him wanting to put the marriage back together....
When my husband had the freedom to choose the OW he didn't.......Do a good job with Plan A, expose the affair and see if you can't turn things around....
25 years is worth the effort.

Yes the last affair was made very public. Our kids, friends, the OM'S betrayed spouse. As soon as I can find out who the OM is I will expose far and wide. Don't know if it is the same as previous but it doesn't matter. Lately one of our kids told me that there was a part of their mother they didn't trust. Isn't that interesting? The OM had to break it off with her last time because he didn't want to lose his family. This was even after their affair was exposed.

What was you name last time, freshday?

I'm sorry. I honestly don't remember my name last time. It was in 2006 though.

It definitely seems like she is having another A. Snoop, find out who the man is, and expose! If you and your kids are feeling there's something you can't trust - go with your gut and blow this thing open.

If you posted more than 20 times, we will figure it out...

Also, I would go the ultimatum route this time.

She doesn't want to give up the info, and end it NOW, She Leaves. You have been through this once, there is NO reason to go thru it again.

She had a Chance, and she BLEW it. Literally.

Your kids deserve better, (the quote is very telling from your kid), and so do you.

She either comes into the light or proceeds deeper into the dark.

But you do not have to be there.

LG

I agree.

You might benefit from reading Pepperband's story of what she required of her husband.

Do not set your bar low. Your wife will live down to it.

I am looking into VAR today. The OM'S identity is crucial. She learned a lot the first time. Some of the old mistakes have not been made this time. But mistakes will happen I know that. Anyone in such a fog will trip up.

It seems like there are certain jerks that know how to exploit women and there are certain women who think they will be the exception, that she can be the woman he will be happy with and live happily ever after. I am seeing so much of this lately. It seems that few understand this. Including my WW.

This intolerable trying to find out who the OM is. I need to be patient but sometimes I want to scream. Any ideas or technology regarding ghost numbers on text messaging. I feel powerless.

Freshday,

Can you access phone information online? In my case, I saw a large number of text messages on the phone bill, accessed the online billing information, googled the OW phone number. I was on the phone with OWH less than 2 hours after discovery.

I am sorry this is happening to you - again. Best wishes to you and your children.

AM

When the text from OM appears it is not a telephone number. It is a random set of numbers that appear to be some kind of code. Maybe part of SSN or something