Sometimes it does. Exposure is the most likely thing to kill the affair. It doesn't always work, but it works more than anything else. We have had affairs end the day they were exposed. It is one of MANY tools in the arsenal.

Most adulterers don't want to lose their spouses, so if they have a spouse with any snap, the affair is usually over. If not immediately, then soon because it is harder to carry on when you have more people watching.

A married man will usually dump the OW because he not going to ruin his marriage over a cheater. She is just a cheap piece of fun to him.

No, it doesn't always work. Sometimes the A has gone on for so long that the two infidels are in entrenched in a relationship that will preclude any intervention, including exposure. They neglected their marriages for so long that the A becomes a focal point of their existence, and they can feel "emotionally married." Some infidels have family, employers and friends who support the A, either from explicit approval to unspoken approval. Sometimes exposure is done poorly, allowing little pieces of the A to become known to critical people a little bit at a time, until it is considered "common knowledge" and is not shocking. Those marriages will often end in D.

I can only speak from my experience about the 'hot potato' thing: my FWH allowed himself to 'drift in' to his A. Remember, most waywards don't set out to have an A, it just 'sort of happens' in their minds. This fog creeps in slowly, until it has completely enveloped the two adulterers in their own little 'affair world'. You can't have it all in an affair world because there is too much reality that would be involved, which takes the fun out of the fantasy. Any reality that attempts to intrude is swept aside in favor of the emotional 'fix' that comes from the OP. This feels good to the adulterers, so they figure out ways to justify getting that fix. As in "my spouse will never know" or "I can keep this contained at the office and have my marriage, too". Containment rarely happens because, like all addictions, the A has a way of spreading out to suck up other areas of reality in order to keep their minds available for the next 'fix'.

Sometimes a day of reckoning occurs (exposure). When that happens, the weak foundation that the affair has been built on may begin to crumble. Every bit of crumbling allows reality to come back in to the adulterer's mind. Reality is harsh and unyielding. Reality brings home exactly what the adulterer stands to lose by continuing their addiction. The A was a selfish, self-serving act on both adulterers' parts. They were out for what they could get for themselves. Under the bus the AP goes, because again, the unfaithful spouse is acting on self-preservation, and knows that the A is not in their best interest.

Still nothing from botany...hmmm...whats going on??

We get a lot of heart-sick posters on here, in anguish over their spouse's affair. They think the loving spouse they married is still emotionally around and will "straighten up". They don't realize that the person they married has been abducted and replaced with an alien life-form that is addicted. These BS's truly believe that, if they appeal to the WS's reason, the WS will leave the A.

They don't understand that the unfaithful spouse is not going to come around, and they don't want to hear anything different. They don't want to hear that they need to take the bull by the horns and kill the A themselves. They don't want to 'invade' their spouse's privacy secrecy. They don't want to upset the children protect the children from a divorce. They don't want to lose the money the spouse is bringing home keep their marriage and finances intact. They don't want to upset their spouse and make them mad end their spouse's affair.

But we keep posting. Because eventually the common sense wisdom of what is said here gets through to a lot of these posters and they man up and get their spouse back. There are also lurkers who need this info and support. So let's keep posting.

Sounds good to me...would it be possible that not only does the WW has the fog but also the BS? Or would that be called denial?

Sure, the BS is in a fog of their own. Heck, I remember when I first got here - exposure?? Spy on your spouse?? PI's?? WTF!? It makes perfect, pristine sense to me now, in an almost "eureka" kind of way. Not so much 15+ months ago.

Botany:

Someone comes on here about twice a month and posts a thread title very similar to yours:

"Can this marriage survive when the wayward one works with the OP?"

And the advice is always the same. No.

We are not picking ON YOU. You are not that different from everyone else. Your driving this bus called your marriage. You asked for a roadmap OUT of this jungle you suddenly find yourself in. We can help provide you with one. You may end up losing a passenger (your WW) in the process, but you will end up the best Bus Driver YOU CAN BE. If you hang around and listen.

Read MaritalBliss thread. Read Now-what's, or SoL's. They didn't KNOW what to do at first, but they took the info and started fighting. Doesn't mean that thier marraige will survive, but they WILL. And be better for it.

THAT is "Surviving an Affair" The cherry on top is having your WW become a FWW andjoin you, and learn how to live in an MB Marriage.

It can be done.

LG

In answer to your question, I would say that IF it is a game for OM, as it was for my H, and IF the other partner is a little deeper in, as his OW was, then exposure to the other BS will make that clear.

My WH had spoken many words of love (some of which I read - yuk) to his OW, and had said that he was only in his unhappy marriage because of his kids. If he had been free, he wrote (in an email I saw; she saved it and showed her H, who sent it to me) he would be on his knees to her in a second. He could think of nothing more wonderful than to love her and cherish her and be with her forever, he wrote - but he couldn't because his son was only 6, and he couldn't destroy his own son by leaving.

He had written that email after her own H discovered that they were having "drinks". He had written that email to explain why he couldn't take her away, as she had begged upon her own D Day in 2003. He had written that email to dump her, and did dump her, but went back to her after the fuss died down. Her H never contacted me or H's work - he could have got him fired and I wish he had - and after about two months, OW contacted my H and the affair was back on.

Well, after the final D Day and after exposure, her H and I compared what we knew about this affair. We each challenged our spouses about what we had found out. She found out, to her horror, that my H had shaved 7 years off his age when they met, and told her he was 45 when he had in fact been 52. By 2007, she was trying to settle down with a man who was 56 and close to retiring, when she thought he was 50! She was only 47 herself, and found his age off putting, as he had guessed she would. Given that he met her when he travelled, he must have gone to some lengths to make sure she never saw his passport!

During exposure, she found out that I had told him to leave, many times, and he had promised me that he would end the affair and I had had let him stay. The knowledge that he had always been a free man, that I had offered to buy him out of the mortgage, giving him at least �150,000 capital, put a different light on his being forced to stay in his unhappy marriage. OW rang my H many times during exposure, asking him whether he ever intended to leave, and was told that no, he never intended to. It had all been wonderful and he was sorry he had hurt her, but no, he was lucky enough to have been given another chance by me, and he would do all he could to make up for the damage he had caused to his marriage. He suggested that she did the same. Those comments eventually led to the "F you" conversation I wrote about yesterday.

Her H made her change jobs and move back home, and he monitors what he can. We stayed in contact for a while (I wanted to know that she was living back home) but have had no contact for three years now.

Exposure seems to work that way for married men who are having the kind of affair my H was having; a deeply cake-eating one. It worked to force a confrontation between H and OW, during which he admitted what he had been doing. Once the affair was revealed to both spouses, she reasoned, the APs were no longer tied into their marriages out of fear. I very clearly offered my H his freedom and he would not take it. Indeed, he made it clear that if she did not cease interfering in his marriage, and caused it to fail, he would resent her so much that a relationship would be impossible anyway.

Exposure works in different ways for other kinds of affair, such as maritalbliss's H, who felt trapped and unable to leave his nightmare. What bliss's H and mine had in common was that they were having "a bit on the side", and in the ugly light of exposure, they had to admit that to their OWs. Most OW will gather up their dignity (okay, don't laugh) and go off in a huff when they realise that their MM had affairs with them because they were prepared to put out for free, and for no other reason.

Botany and ML,

Yes ML is correct, my W does not now work with OM.

The rough timeline is, starting at 20+ years ago, the affair began about 1 year or so before we were married, continued I don't know how long, then the "work contact" ended about year or so after we were married.

There was a strange incident where my wife wanted to divorce me about a year and half after we had married. I suspect that is when she decided her choice for me was final.

The wreckage of these events not recognized by me, continued to pay negative dividends for years.

God Bless
Gamma

Absolutely. Some betrayed spouses are foggier than their spouses!

She saw him today and I went crazy and told OMW, bosses and colleagues. She was very angry and has now left me alone at home with two kids. That's it all over, thanks for the advice. It is an absolute disaster and I feel terrible.

PERFECT!! You did exactly what we suggested, now your starting to come around! What you need to do now is..

Tell your family and friends, her family and friends that your Wife has left because she cheated on you...here is the proof. You have to make the exposure NUCLEAR!

All WS does the exact same thing your wife did, that is totally normal! Right now the Fog is lifting, since she left instead of sticking around so you can be in Plan A, then I suggest you write a Plan B letter to your wife.

DO you know where she went?

Do you know how long she will be gone?

If she comes back, then go straight into Plan A! Nice, caring, loving spouse, do not talk about her A (that will be a love buster), just keep SNOOPING, checking emails, text, phone bills etc. Without her knowing. Be the best husband to her so she knows what she will be missing.

If she doesn't come back, then write your Plan B letter, I don't know if someone here that can link you to a perfect plan B letter so you know exactly what to write.

What goes in a Plan B letter? She is coming back to talk on Friday so it might not be the end.

BTW I spoke to a counsellor yesterday and she advised against telling OMW. Some people don't want to know and prefer to live in denial. I feel bad that I have told her. I think she knew but am not certain.

I can't keep checking forever, what kind of life is that?

She went to her parents, they made us talk before she left which was good and got us to agree to meet on Friday.

DO NOT FEEL BAD! The reason why you had to let the OMW is to KILL the A! And it sounds like you did just that! I'm so proud of you!

You still need to finish this exposure, I'm sorry to say because if you don't she will either find another A, that's what happened to me anyway, my first A my DH didn't expose and guess what? 2 Months later, found another A. So keep sending out emails to everyone you guys both know, she will be very angry yes but this will protect you so she won't have the BALLS (would that be NIPPLES? Since she is female?) to do it again!

When she comes back home go STRAIGHT into Plan A Here is a link so you know exactly what to do:

Plan A carrot and Stick

Read it and DO IT!

The counselor was wrong...

This from Dr Harley on exposure:
Link to article about exposure

and this from me (I tend to use more words than the doctor...

Good job! But you are not done. This needs to be done completely if you want it to be effective. Get on the phone and start calling HER PARENTS, your parents, close family and friends. Tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to stop.

Get this all done NOW so that your exposure has the maximum effect and so you can get this out of the way and work on other things.

Great job! You have just taken the first most important step in saving your marriage.

How's it feel to use your nads?

Botany,

Please read this thread and follow the links...LINK<<<

The arguments against the advice being given have all been heard before. I haven't seen any new ones even though I offered most of them myself 4 years ago.

Nothing is new under the sun...

Affairs are nothing if not typical.

READ...

PLAN...

ACT...

And stop REACTING...