I thought the Major issue is the A?

I do not understand about this whole being successful? Such as what? More details please?

Okay, you have a good question about WH and PLan A that I will answer with another question. Did you read about the EN's(emotional needs)? If so, what are your WH's top 5? Of course, you will have to answer for your WH at the moment. Think about the complaints about your marriage that your WH had BEFORE the A.

I'm sorry, my job, I have a high profile position, I make more money than he does, I am an attorney, I am constantly in the media in the town where we live in Central America, I don't understand why that bothers him because I spend my money on us-the family, so from my perspective we, the family benefit from my success, I don't know how to deal with this cause if the reason for his affair is that he is uncomfortable with my success and it makes him feel like less of a man, how am I supposed to get around that?

I wouldn't focus on that, are you respecting him as a man? Husband? Father? If so then there should be NO NEED for him to have an A just cause you make more money then him. We don't live in the 50's where I would think that will be the big Ol case, but since we are not. Don't think it is your fault because you make more money.

Teaser, I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. What you're facing now is most likely the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Was for me...married 37 years when my H visited this horror on us. Took us a couple of hard years (not bad, considering there was a 37-year investment to protect), but we are really good today, because of what we learned here.

Everyone on these boards understands what you're going through right now. You will find much information, support and hope for the future on this site. .. Take heart.

You are only two weeks post D-Day. The earliest weeks are the craziest. You feel out of control, beyond livid, beyond hurt. It is normal to be a little nuts. Normal, even, to want to kill him. Truth is, though, that your hurt and your fury will become manageable, and believe it or not (I didn't), you CAN get through this and end up with a better marriage than you've ever had before.

Right now, you may not even know if you WANT to save your marriage. Understandable. Not wise, though, to make such a big decision while you are in your current state. Divorce can happen at any point. Saving your marriage depends on what you do RIGHT NOW.

The first thing is to do your best to get your emotions under control. It was emotion run amok that got your H into an affair. Don't compound the mistake by letting yours run wild too. Your screaming at him just gives him justification for the affair! You are feeding into his fantasy that you are NOT the woman he wants to be married to. Hard as it is, and as unfair as it seems, do your best to stop that behavior.

Please read everything linked to the home page. Get the book "Surviving An Affair." If you can't find it locally, there's a bookstore linked to the home page. Check with your doctor about a short course of anti-anxiety meds. It will help you think.

Most importantly, breathe.

(((Teaser)))

Yea Scotland, I did read about Ens, and thats the reason for my question. WH is not much of a communicator, he never really complained about the marriage, I had to make interpretations from his behavior, so in answer to your question as to the top 5? it would be related to his feeling of inferiority. he never took me out, he hung out with OW and her friends, in the house, he conversed less and less. Yet he spoke to OW several times a day, Im text and e mail, they hung out together a lot at her friend's house, there were more than one friend. He was very comfortable with them, and even I saw that before I found out about the A

The only reason I brought this up is because you guys mentioned about going to Plan A, and I don't know how much more pandering I need to do to meet his needs, and from where I sit, thats the only way to a successful Plan A

Why I asked you those questions is because if he really is upset by your success, I wondered if it was admiration that was in his top 5. Usually it is for most men.

Whatever his feeling and whatever needs weren't being met by you I want you to KNOW and UNDERSTAND that his A was not your fault at all. It is 100% on HIM. You are 50% responsible for your M pre-A. That's it. In Plan A, you need to learn how to become the wife you know you can be. You make yourself into the BEST person you know you are.

Love ya, Scottie! Keep speaking - you know what to say What she said, teaser. Listen closely, and learn. She's right, - 15 months later, with a poster boy former wayward spouse, and he can't make a move I don't know about

Thanks, you have encapsulated exactly where I am right now. Unfortunately I am not able to get the book right now I will have to wait till the end of the month when I travel.
I am on medication, both to cam me down and to help me sleep.
I think the rage is the house and bed thing, it haunts me, I need to really find a way to deal with that.

Have you read through other people's threads? You can find a lot of inspiration and advice on other's threads.

Yea Scotland, admiration is probably 1-5. OW is not big on inteeligence, neither are her friends so I fully understand why he was so comfortable with them, they hang on to his every word and look up to him as being knowledgable on al things.
I do get what you say and most times I embrace the thought that the A is on him and not on me but at other times I ask myself if perhaps I did not take the admiration he obviously needs far enough. I have spent a lot of years catering to him, not saying things because of not wanting to hurt his feelings, mostly putting his feelings ahead of mine because I have always been aware of the disparity in our positions, but now I am asking myself how much more can I give of myself, and this is the reason why my friend is angry, she had chastised me before about catering to him too much-isn't that funny? cause it was not enough.

I will look thru the threads.

If you have a week, might I suggest my thread? I am not in marital recovery but I do believe that I am firmly on my way to personal recovery.

I would suggest that you stay away from wayward spouse threads for the moment. It may be too much for you right now.

You can order the book from this site, or from Amazon. Delivery is pretty quick (at least in the States). Glad to hear you are on meds. Helped me a lot, and I'm not normally into "meds."

Of COURSE the house and the bed inspire rage! You wouldn't be normal if it didn't. Suggest you dump the bed immediately. Give it away. Sleep in the guest room, the sofa, the floor.

How is your H dealing with your emotional state?

lol I am sure it wont take a week, but ok, will look at it.

Don't be so sure, it is more than 200 pages long.

So exposure? I am sorry I am not always patient and when I get something stuck in my head it is there until it is DONE.

Stick with the position that the A is on him. It IS. 100%.

Good that you've discovered Admiration is high on his needs list. Good, too, that you are aware now that "catering" to him is not effective. You have a right to be who you are...don't blame yourself for being successful. Any problem he has with that is HIS stuff, and it can be worked out. It's not about giving "more" of yourself in a self-sacrificing way anyway, it's about knowing how to exchange needs meeting, once you've both shared what they are. This program will help you (and him) figure that out and be effective and happy at the same time. Both of you.

Getting ahead of myself though. Right now, you need triage. As awful as this is, you can pull it together. Your H appears to be sorry... let him prove it. Let him show you he is sorry. Start by letting him know (CALMLY) how very much what he's done has hurt you, and that you want him to tell you everything. The calmer you are, the faster you can start to make headway. (Of course, you must verify that he has no contact with OW as you go.)

Believe it or not, he's in a very bad place now, too. He doesn't want to lose you, or he would've just gone off with OW for good. He is very messed up in the head now, and you may not be seeing the real him yet. Doesn't mean it isn't in there, he just might not be able to access it yet.

Imperative that you stay as calm as you can now.

ITA with RTW.

My emotional state is scaring everyone, no one has ever seen me lose control, actually I don't think that I have ver lost control not even once and to think that I have done it several times during the past 2 weeks, actually today makes two weeks. I am usually the oe who others come to with their problems and I always find a solution for them, now I have no answers for myself and I can't even make up my mind what I want to do.