Okay, I was a lot like this too. I was always there for my friends and family. My friends and family didn't know how to help me with my WH's A either. Then I found this wonderful place and was accepted into this forum's protective arms.

We are here for you.

We have all either been a BS, currently are a BS or are a FWS. We know what you are feeling like. You are welcome here. It is the best place to find yourself when you become a member of the only club noone wants to join.

Don't push yourself on this. You will regain control of yourself. Two weeks is soooo early in this journey.

Please, be patient with yourself. You will learn as much or more about yourself as you will about your H in the coming months. You will learn your truths, and how to bring them in line with the very best husband and wife you can be.

Caveat: It won't happen as fast as you'd like it to.

How is it that you can make so much sense? You are so right in what you are saying, I do see that he is sufferring, its just that right now when I see him sufferring, I don't feel sorry for him cause I tell myself he brought this on himself and visited this mess on the whole family. And you are right, I have to keep the thought ever so near that the A is totally on him, its not easy because you somehow seem to keep falling into that trap that somehow I must have contribuyed to it. but then I say, even if there were needs that I was not meeting, surely the answer could not have been found in having an affair.
But thank you so much for your advice, it is nice to hear these words from others.

Was your H meeting all of your needs? NOPE. Did you have an affair? NOPE. That is how this affair is ALL on him. Give yourself a break. You WILL survive this.

nothing ever happens as fast as you want it to huh? I guess the pain I am feeling is part of the healing process.

Well like I said earlier, i wish I knew of this forum 2 weeks ago, but I feel the support from all of you and thats what is impotant. I have gotten more from you guys today than I got anywhere else in the last 2 weeks, I feel sorry that my daughter had to go through this and I want her to have a break from my dependency on her which will allow her to deal properly with her own emotions, she does not sleep well at night so the minute I get up she is right by my side.

Well, hopefully as this sinks in a bit more and you develop your own plan, you will get the strength that comes from this place. Your daughter and everyone else will see how much better you are getting. It does take time though. You WILL get there.

Aw, teaser, the reason I "can make so much sense" is that I am nearly 4 years past D-Day and have had the benefit of the MB resources--all of them...counseled with Steve Harley, (one of the MB marriage coaches by phone, although I felt like a lunatic for calling an 800 number for marriage crisis help), attended the seminar with my (then rather reluctant) H, and we followed the program step by step, for many months.

While I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget the agony of that time, I will be eternally grateful for the recovery of my marriage, and yes, for the man I married nearly 41 years ago. Long, hard haul, but the folks here helped me. A LOT. Just passin' it on.

And we ALL thank you.

Oh, no. This fresh, raw pain you are feeling now is not part of healing...you're in the emotional meat grinder now. NOTHING healing about that. But it doesn't last forever, and there are things you can do to hasten yourself past it--a bit.

Should you choose to work toward recovering your marriage, this plan can help you enormously. Be forewarned, though. No matter what, you will find yourself on the rollercoaster ride of your life. You will feel a little better one hour (or minute), then want to walk away the next. Feel some love for H, then want to throw in the towel when he stumbles and says the wrong thing. All in the same day. It's all normal. Takes a while for that rollercoaster to stop careening around. Just a heads up so you now what's coming.

Can't do anything about those "normal" reactions, but you CAN educate yourself about how to best work yourself (and your marriage) out of the ditch and onto a healthy path. If your H is truly remorseful and has completely cut off contact with OW, it'll go a lot easier.

I pray he IS remorseful and DONE with OW, so you can get on with it. This path is simple, but not easy. And it takes time...about two years or so, but you will NOT feel like you do now for that whole time (thank God). It's going to take all the gumption you can muster.
Somehow, I think you're up to it.

I consider it an honor, Scottie. I owe my marriage and my happy life to this place. Not just for me, but for my H, my kids, my grandkids... Personally, I'd like to canonize Dr. Harley for creating this plan over so many years. And there are a LOT of earthly saints on these boards who gave me so much when I was in too much pain to do more than lurk! I have since had the pleasure of emailing and speaking with some of them, and they STILL challenge me. I will be forever grateful.

I am a FWW, almost 4 years out from D-Day, and I can tell you that your H's A IS all on him. HIS responsibility. selfishness. obliviousness. impulsiveness. hardness. ego. and on I could go. People ask, "What are those waywards thinking?" I think "God I WISH I didn't know what those waywards were thinking!"

My DH got angry, sad, hopeless, he gave up, he left, he came back....all in the first three weeks. And it was a rollercoaster ride.

But here, 4 years later, we are transformed. We renewed our vows two summer ago. Life isn't perfect, but it's just trying to meet each others' EN's, avoid LB's, and be honest, honest, honest. And we are making it.

Take heart, and take a breath.

Hey, teaser...how you doing?

bump for teaser

Hi Teaser:

I saw you posting on Anne's thread and thought I'd come over here and read yours.

I'm sorry you are here.

But you are in great hands. Please listen to the people here. They have all been through what you are going through and there *is* a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll just reiterate a few things that others have said and that I think are super-important.

1. The affair is 100% absolutely, positively HIS FAULT. Your marriage may not have been perfect...none of us have perfect marriages. I'm sure yours had issues. He had no boundary protection and he made terrible choices out of PURE SELFISHNESS. Someone that unhappy in the marriage has a few choices: a) work with the spouse to improve the marriage; b) divorce and THEN date all you want or c) continue status quo and quit complaining! LOL

2. He has handed you a "get-out-of-marriage-free" card but don't use it yet! Hold on to it, keep it in a safe place. General rule of thumb is don't make any drastic decisions for at least 6 months. By the end of six months, believe it or not, you will be much clearer headed and you will probably have a good idea of the right thing to do.

3. Read, read, read. Read the threads here. Read the articles on the website. Get SAA as soon as possible and devour it!

4. Exposure and every other tool in the arsenal to kill the affair. You can't even begin to think about marital recovery until you've killed the affair. However, you should decide what conditions you want for remaining in the marriage. Many betrayed spouses say "counseling" right up front. I'd specify: "MB counseling". But you are not there yet. You have to kill the affair, first.

5. This is the hardest, IMO. Plan A! Dr Harley says that most women really only have 3 weeks - a month in them for a good plan A and then if the wayward hasn't come back to the fold, go Plan B. If you do get to that point, you have to understand how to execute a stellar Plan B and more important WHY you are doing it. Plan A is for you, him and the marriage. Plan B is to protect you from his further abuse and protect the love you have left, in the event you do want to rebuild the marriage.

So while you are in Plan A, you might want to think about the logistics of Plan B, in case you need to turn it on pretty quickly.

That's about it off the top of my head. You are in good hands.

Breathe!!!!

I a here tring to recover from the weekend, it was not a good one, first I found some lewd pics of OW andthen when taking acloser look reaized it had been taken in my house. He is in the confession mode so he has admitted that when I was away travelling on business OW came to the house. So I went off into one of my rages and broke a few things.

I need to stop, why can't I stop? I hate losing control like this!!!
I went to OW's mother to expose the A to her, I even gave her the pics (actuaally she asked if she could keep them) poor woman was in shock, but it had to be done. She is angry at the person who told me-says they were just after making trouble-I respectfully disagreed and left.

I hope you had copies of those pics.

You need to reel yourself in. I know it is HARD. I know all of the anger you have inside and all of the hurt. I know how you are thinking, "How could he do this to me? How could he lie right to my face all of those times? Why do I want to be with him anymore?"

You feel out of control because you don't have a PLAN that you are implementing. Once you get your Plan A together and you start implementing it, you will feel much better.

Hey Scot I just want to know how do I make any plan when I am still discovering things, and these things throw me into a further tailspin? He is as contrite as any person can be-at least that is what he is portraying but I am simply not at the point of accepting or dealing with him at this point.

And hell yes, I have copies of the pics