I am almost 6 months post Dday (can't hardly believe that), 2 months into Pln B and I still have those thoughts everyday. I still have at least one sobbing event daily.
It is normal to have those feelings.
I have found that it is extremely helpful to come here and post my feelings - sort of a journal; and to read what others are going through. It helps to know you are not alone and not insane. Unfortunately the waywards and their co-horts are the crazy ones.
And the waywards horrible choices affect us and there doesn't seem to be any understanding.

Yesterday I had such a bad day. I must have broken down crying at least 5 times. does the pain ever go away? Sometimes I wish I had never known ... I worry that I can't get through this and my marriage will be worthless for the next 40 years because of my sadness, doubt, fear, etc. I am so angry that I have to be in this situation!

I am still waiting on the next phone bill to be posted to see if there are any calls on it to OW. I have not confronted him about the one call on the last bill (5 days after NC should have been established). I am waiting for more information.

As I read several posts, it seems like so many WS are on board with all of the MB steps. There are so many things that WH isn't on board with. Maybe still foggy ... maybe still in A ... maybe he really doesn't care. He says he just wants it all to go away ... SO DO I, but that is not just going to happen.

{{feelinghurt}}} I know it's rough, but try to have a note of your plan somewhere that you can look at when your mind starts to spin. I had Plan A notes, and threads bookmarked here and I had to read them several times a day to keep my head on straight. Having a plan is what got me through it.

Can your SIL check the acct info online? I believe my friend checks her BF's verizon acct online and it has realtime (w/n a day or so) call/text log info. BTW, is she checking the texting log as well?


The key is NC & 100% transparency. Transparency works both ways ~ it helps you feel safer and also helps your WS to stay on the straight and narrow because he knows he is being watched.

Also to reiterate, when there is no exposure, that also is a catalyst to the WS staying foggy and keeps the chances very high that the A will not end.

So please have hope ~ you haven't even fought the battle yet.

Have you found any info on OW yet? Exposure will rock her world, FH, and will put another nail in the A coffin.

If you haven't exposed yet then do so, find out more information about the phone bill, if you said he did contact her ONCE after the talk over the phone, then to me that is contact. EXPOSE him to all family members, friends, and coworkers.

It sounds like he is still in the "Fog" even if this A did end, he will pick up another one in another month or so. Exposure is the only way to open up his eyes, to let him know exactly what he will be losing.

What I know about her is she is divorced. Her mom, sister and sister's husband (FORMER friend of WH) all were supportive of the A. I even think they thought he would be leaving me for her.

I did expose to a couple we are friends with the other day. Other than my parents, my brother and his fiance, I really don't have anyone else that exposing to would be of any help. I don't think I can expose to my parents. I don't know how supportive they would be. They know I am going through something, but they think it's stress from other stuff going on in my life.

I couldn't wait and I confronted him about the phone call (4/18) 5 days after NC should have been established. He DENIED it!! SIL didn't give me details of the bill (times, etc) so I have to get that in print to prove to him he is lying. This is so messed up.

He still is telling me that he has had NO contact with her. I told him he has nothing to say to her, nor her to him, if he wants to make this work. So, any further calls are to go to voicemail and I will listen to the voicemail.

???? For those of you who have full access to WS phone, how do you know they haven't deleted it before you see it? I look at WH phone every night and there's nothing. He had even gone back and deleted every call / text from her that happened months ago. So if she calls him and he immediately deletes it, looking at his phone daily does no good -- Until he gets sloppy again.

??? Also, how do you make time for 15-20 hours of UA? We both work full time and we have 6 year old twins. I am lucky if I get 15 minutes a day! The kids are going to "vacation" at my mom's for a few days once school is over, so I am hoping to find some quality time with WH.

Sometimes I think he has absolutely no conscience at all. I don't even think he feels guilty for putting me through this. nor does he realize (care) how totally devistated I am. I truly think he thinks everything is better and we are living a happy little life together. Last night I was laying across the bed and he asked if I was having bad thoughts again ... my response was "Yeah, only every day, just about every second of every day". Of course he gets mad because he thinks now I will begin "interrogating" him again. He really doesn't get it. He has never really had to face adversity -- things were always taken care of for him... Well now we are in a terrible mess.


I am so glad I found this place. Even if it's just to get my feelings out -- it helps so much.

anyone?

Who is your cell carrier FH? With most providers you can see cell phone and text usage almost real time online. I can log into my account at any time and see every phone call made/recieved and every text phone number sent/received. Even if WH deletes call/texts from his phone they will still show up online on your account.

FH10:

This part of your post:

We are almost five years past the discovery of my A. My BW Still has thoughts about what happened, and how could I. We talked for several hours just YESTERDAY.

If your WH doesn't GET IT, then he needs TOO. And I would recommend that you schedule up the next MB weekend.

Screw the cost.

You think that the next 40 years of your life is going to be like this? Than you can amortize the cost of the MB weekend over 40 years and it comes out to about $53 a year.

And it will make that big a difference in your WH. It might kick-start him back to H. And the follow-on monitoring and mentoring is what you need to stay on track. And since there is a PLANNED time to do things, the rest of the week can be yours, with the "relationship talk" at a planned time every week.

And then this:

Easy. Eliminate EVERYTHING that isn't helping your marriage.

TV? Turn it off.
Shopping? Go together.
Working odd shifts? POJA a shift change for ONE of you.


If suddenly, (God forbid it) the doctor said that you had to care for one of your children 10 hours a day, and you could not leave thier bedside, you would FIND the time, wouldn't you? So think about this UA time the same way.

You just have got to do it. I sorta get the shakes when I can't meet with Flamingo for Lunch each day...

LG

You need to expose this A, not to 5 people but to EVERYONE! Coworkers, old friends, family, aunts, grandma, etc. Do you have a Facebook account where all of your family and friends are on? If so then use that for the expose! Seriously, if you are checking his phone and their are NO text messages and voice mails, then he is still in the A, that's why exposure is so important, it will kill it! Because A thrives on secrecy, all you did is that he is making sure he wont get caught again. Your just hurting yourself if you prolong the exposure. THAT IS THE NUMBER ONE step to recovery even if it going to get worse after you do it, but once his FOG is out of his face then he'll be crawling back to you. Otherwise you'll be spinning around and around this A, the only person who is getting hurt here is you, so you have to decide how long you want to be in pain for, 1 month? 3 months? 6 months? 3 years? YOU DECIDE

When my husband found out about the 1st EA he didnt expose, because I told him I wanted to work on our marriage, guess what? 2 months later I found another EA, so its not even a matter of "Oh he said he wont do this agian to me" bla bla bla fog babble, if you dont expose him NOW he will either

A. Still be in the A and make sure he wont get caught again

or

B. He will find another A

Your choice.

9-11 every night is 14 hours a week. My five year old and my twins (younger than five) go to bed by 9, usually sooner. When they get old enough that they aren't sleepy at 9, we'll train them to lay in bed with a light on and read quietly until they are sleepy. Find one more hour, and you have your fifteen.

Add an hour every morning, and you have 21 hours a week, for a troubled marriage that needs more than 15.

8-12 every night is 28 hours a week, nearly 30...

FH, this is why exposure is so important ~ you explain to OW's mom, sister and sister's H that your H has told you he doesn't want to leave you...and you are devastated because you have evidence the A is ongoing.

PLEASE do not underestimate the power of exposure. (I can hear it in your post.) It doesn't matter if a few people heard something hear or there. You make a list, including OW's targets, and you go down the list in one day ~ you let them know how devastated you are ~ and you ask people for their advice and for their help to influence your H. Then (this is the key) you tell your WH that he has been exposed. You don't hide it.

A trickle exposure doesn't work. It needs to be NUCLEAR.

Did you get the phone records yet? You already have confirmation he is lying so I don't know if it much matters at this point. I think you can go ahead and put your exposure list together.

i just found out that WH's phone is the main account holder ... even though the bill comes to their family's business. Is it legal for me to use his phone to create the account so I can look up the bill online? Should I ask him to do it for me instead? Or should I tell him I am going to do it?

Other than that I have to wait for the phone bill every month and ask MIL for it. SIL is going to be leaving town at the end of the week, so I can't get it from her anymore. It was nice having someone on my side.

He is still claiming there has been no contact. I asked him if he would be comfortable with me having access to phone records and he said yes. He said "you check my phone every day anyway" BUT I KNOW he has deleted stuff -- told him that which of course he denied.

SIL is encouraging me to seek counseling for myself. (WH won't even talk about going) To see IF I can overcome this ... I think she may be right. I am a mess. I know it's been less than 2 months, but I am still a huge wreck. I think that I feel I should be able to handle this myself since I was once a counselor ... how about that one --- a counselor needing to seek counseling ?? Great, now I really see what my life has come to. But sadly, I think it's time I do get some help.

He can't get it that I am STILL upset and thinking about it every day. Please... not only do I think about it every day, It is consuming me! And I cry every day too.

Thank goodness for you people on here... someone understands.

No, DO NOT ask him to help you snoop. DO NOT tell him you are going to snoop. If it was me, I would set up the online acct and see what is on there ASAP.

FH, this is why FOLLOWING THE PLANS on this website are so crucial. Living with an active wayward who doesn't care about your feelings is dangerous to your health. You do a short Plan A with Exposure ---> then you move to Plan B if the WS doesn't commit to a plan of recovery, including NC, transparency and possibly coaching w/the Harleys (which I have done myself and I highly recommend).

Getting personal counseling isn't going to help you feel better when you are living with an active wayward.

Can you look up those records and get back to us ASAP? Have you come up with an exposure list? I know it is hard when you are emotional, but you have to stay on track and gear up for a fight. Hang in there!

I just went to the site and started to register his phone. As the account holder, it asks for a lot more info than just a customer to register. You have to have ss# (which I have IF they used my H's name) or tax ID (don't have that) and you need exact billing addy/account number. CRAP! It also says that by viewing online will revoke your paper statements, unless you do A,B,C,etc.
I may have to talk to MIL/SIL before I proceed -- just when I thought I found an easy way to see the bill...

Another HARD day. Yesterday SIL was playing with my kids and WH and I were working outside and I had a chance to talk to him -- where he couldn't walk away, we were both calm, he was actually listening to me instead of the TV ... I thought maybe we were making some progress. Then after all the disappointments with the phone bill access last night -- today was/is bad. I am hoping the hard copy of the bill comes in the next day or two. And hoping MIL makes me a copy of it. The suspense is killing me. I will report back with the findings. If there is ONE call on it, I don't know if I can stay calm this time ... gloves will be coming off for sure.

Gloves as in exposure? I hope! Expose the A, if you find out if they had any contact, then make sure you have your great plan A face on!

Definately, exposure.

My problem is that I am WAY too nice -- to everyone, including WH. That has always been my problem. I try to please everyone and leave myself for very last.

This was his one chance and if he blows it ... look out. I don't think I can be nice a second time around. I was a fool once and although I am totally ashamed to be in this situation, no more Ms. Nice Girl.

I know for plan A, I need to keep my cool ... I will do my best.

Although you might feel as weak as a kitten and unsure of exposing this thing to the world, thats exactly what speaks volumes to anyone who might wonder what a marriage is supposed to be.

You are letting everyone know what you stand for and that you are not ashamed of it.

You are ot getting even for being hurt, you are stopping it.

You can't stop your husbands embarresment, he needs it.

Everyone knows how scary this can be and the fear of how you might end up alone and the temptation of trying to be understanding so you can reconcile without public drama. We also know the hypnotic trance that so many fall to when the guilty party isn't shocked into reality.


Trust us, we care about you and you WH but will not support the selfish actions that your H practicing so because only you are here we can help only you.

Your in good company

Only my crazy luck ... I think if WH's A had come out at a different time, I could have handled it much more fiercely.

The week it all came out, FIL got called for a double lung transplant. So, here I am supporting WH through all of this when the mere sight of him or sound of his voice was repulsive to me.

Now, that I have the courage to ask MIL for the phone bill, etc, FIL is admitted back into the hospital and I don't have access to anything. Any further exposure has to wait now ... I definately will not be responsible for any failure of FIL's health because of stress.

Reading that back, I feel it sounds selfish on my part ... I am not being selfish at all ... I love my in-laws and only want the best for them. I just meant that is exactly the kind of luck I have ... just when i get close to any kind of breakthrough, a wrench gets tossed into it. If FIL hadn't had the transplant at the same time as this came out, I could have been tougher ... maybe.

How is your husband acting?

Look for these things:

1. Angry, upset
2. Doesn't want to do things with you
3. Leaves the room all the time for a few min at a time

If he is all of these and more, then he is still IN THE A!! You need more then the phone bill, can't you check his email? Or put a VAR in the car to see if he is calling the OW from his car?