hello to everyone.

My wife finally admitted to an affair a few weeks ago. I placed a keylogger on our computer back in September last year and found suspicious emails and the other man sent a naked picture of himself. My wife stated that the other man had feelings for her but she did not. also they would hang out till late at night at bars supposedly with other friends. I talked to her and him for the "friendship" to stop and my wife said nothing happened. I let it go and 4 weeks ago, I started confronting my wife with more questions. She kept saying nothing happened, that he was trying to kiss her, and finally after agressively pursuing more information she admitted to sex but one time only. I know my wife had deep feelings for him, but she keeps denying. She is remorseful and sorry but I know she is still lying about the details of the affair even after i presented more evidence. I can't accept that the physical act happened one time only, i know that is not the truth. She keeps swearing that's it's only one time, and that comunication has stopped since October. I know she is lying as I have seen the phone records and this did not stop till December.

I guess what I need help in understanding is that she wants to fix things with me very badly, she is upset, crying alot, and remorseful, but why is she still being so dishonest with my questinos after I still presents evidence.

Please help

why would a person continue to lie even in the face of damning evidence? She regrets this, and is very upset, but has lied to me about this for 8 months saying it was only a friendship but he did have feelings for her.

Her dishonesty is really bothering me. I feel that I have the right to keep asking questions and get the truth out of her. If you want to see the details about this, please view talkaboutmarriage, in the infidelity forum, with the thread going insane by culinary 1972. Nothing makes sense.

Hello and welcome.


Lying and cheating is the way of life for waywards - it keeps the fantasy world intact.


Well, it makes makes perfect sense if there is still affair ongoing. And from there comes internal conflict, crying, beeing upset etc.

Please stay in this forum a little longer and read. MB is the best.

Start here.

But in a nutshell, you have to kill the affair to make sense of your life again. Gather evidence and expose without warning, this is the best tool.

And do not tell your WW about this website yet.

Is she still in contact with him? Are you monitoring her computer, phone etc.?

SWW

PS Waywards lie, period. The truth is not in them.

Please everyone also remember- she must feel safe to tell you the truth. I KNOW it's not fair, but one of the reasons I lied was I was so afraid of what BH would do. Act out in rage, leave, divorce me....and of course it was all much more in my mind.

You said you "aggressively pursued more information." That kind of worried me.

Again, I know it's not fair to have to consider her at all in this, she is the one who is in the wrong, but if she's afraid of what you'll do if she tells you the truth, you won't get the truth.

You have every right to ask until you get answers (hopefully someone will find Joseph's letter for you, it's a good one to try to get waywards to understand why you need answers). I just wanted to give you another perspective of why she may not be forthcoming.

If she wants to fix things, does that mean she will end all contact with this OM for life and change her lifestyle so this doesn't happen again? The only way your marriage is going to recover is if she does these things listed below, otherwise, this is hopeless:

1. ends all contact for life with the OM

2. stops having opposite sex friendships

3. ends the job/environment that led to this

4. is completely honest about her affair and answers all questions

5. practices complete transparency with you, gives you cellphone access, email access, accounts for her time all times

6. commits to a recovery program for your marriage

If she will do those things, your marriage will make it. If not, then you should seriously consider Plan B, which is a separation.

HTH, a BS has a right to divorce an abusive, wayward spouse. Fear of consequences is no excuse to withhold truth.

If the WS will not tell him the truth, then he should go into Plan B, because that is a continuation of the abuse. And if the truth is not forthcoming, then divorce would be the inevitable response, because recovery would be impossible otherwise.

ML, I totally respect your opinion. You are right he should have the truth, but I am not the first to voice the opinion that one must feel safe in order to tell the truth. It doesn't make it fair or easy. Lots of things in life are not fair or easy.

BS has no right to abuse or terrorize, no matter what the WS has done. Two wrongs don't make a right.

the affair ended in nov. or dec. they continued working with each other but in different dept. we tried counseling together in oct. but she denied everything and kept saying it was a friendship from her point. i left it alone and our marriage got pretty strong. then 4 weeks ago i started to push for information but gently. she kept lying and lying till finally she admitted to the affair. also right before the admitting, she still had pictures of him on facebook acct. including a pic of all three of us laughing. I demanded her to take them off and she kept saying i forgot they were there, which makes no sense as she is on facebook everyday. i had her quit her job, as she already has a fulltime job elsewhere.

also, she said the sex only happened once at the hotel they were working at together. but come on. why take that risk at a luxury hotel under heavy surveillance for a quickie. this indicates that their sexual activity was much more frequent and was just indicating that it was getting bolder.

Or one could recognize that one deserves to be divorced, accept the consequences, and then confess even though there are no guarantees.

I understand developing a habit of dishonesty in response to abusive controlling behavior like selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. But if a wayward spouse has to have a guarantee that divorce will not happen in order to feel safe, that wayward should be shown the door.

I'll bet you a shiny nickle they still have contact.

Find out if OM is married.

Never warn her of anything you may do involving exposing the affair.

Who all knows about her affair?

This is what you need to do to protect your self.

1. Block his FB account form your and your WW

2. Delete all contact info from the OM

3. She needs to change jobs (doesn't matter if its in a diff dept, they will still see each other)

4. Ask her to give you all the passwords to everything including FaceBook!

5. She is not allowed to talk to other male friends on FB or anywhere else, emails, texting, phone calls etc.

If you want to save your marriage then you need to do these 5 things, because if you dont then she will either do two things.

1. Still be in this A with this OM

or

2. Find another A

Your choice.

Culinary, nothing is going to make sense until she tells you everything you need to know about her A. And your healing can't occur until that happens, as well. She may be withholding info out of a misguided notion that hearing the whole truth will hurt you, which is laughable. The A is what hurt you. The truth will help you. Explain it to her like that. Also, when she does 'trickle' out little bits of truth, thank her for being honest with you, even when it hurts. If she feels she can confide the details to you without being punished for being honest you may get your truth.

My FWH trickle-truthed for a short period of time. I had to learn to put myself at a distance emotionally in order to receive the info and not fall apart or melt down. Once I did that he felt he could tell me everything.

Hearing the whole story was cleansing for him, and it may be that way for your WW as well. It also gave us a level of intimacy we hadn't experienced in a long time. Heart-felt confession can do that. Try telling your WW that, too. Maybe it'll help.

HTH, the "safety" of the WS is irrelevant; what is relevant is the "safety" of the abuse victim. There is a huge difference between fear of consequences and fear of ABUSE; the things you cite above are the former and are utterly irrelevant. So what is the WW is fearful of the consequences? That is not his problem. His concern is being "safe" from her abuse.

His focus needs to be on making it "safe" for him from his abuser. She owes him the truth unconditionally. Facing the consequences of her abuse is not abuse, it is facing the consequences of her crime. If the WW withholds vital truth about the affair he is just compounding the crime by lying. The WS has an obligation to tell his victim the truth regardless of how "safe" she feels. That bullcrap excuse won't cut it in the absence of evidence of wife beating.

IF the WS will not tell the BS the truth, then the BS is right to separate until the abuse ends. Of paramount importance is the "safety" of the victim here, NOT the perp.

She is still lying about the nature of the affair. Unfortunately it sounds like she is still in contact, at least through facebook.

If I were in your shoes, I would DEMAND that she end ALL contact with the OM and take a polygraph. Your marriage is not going to recover unless you have the full truth. I would make it a condition.

There is a very, very narrow path to recovery and if not followed often results in repeat affairs. Please diligently follow the MB plan I outlined above.

HTH, also, if her honesty is conditional, that is an indicator that she is not sincere and should be shown the door. He is not "safe" as long as that is her attitude. Being honest is a basic, non negotiable condition for recovery.

thanks for everyone's replies. To set the record straight, I never abused her physically. I did push for information and truth being told I was very gentle about it. Yes, I had to use
certain tactics to get the truth, and i guess that's wrong (or as I was told in another forum I was emotionally abusing her). The only time I exploded was when the affair came out. When I
threatened a divorce she came partially clean. And like I told her, If I leave you the main reason was the dishonesty after all these months.

Even in counseling in Oct. I offered her to come clean in front of the counselor and me, that I was not going to leave her no matter the truth if she is willing to work this out and behonest. Even in front of the counselor she lied by saying that this was a friendship from her point of view. She agreed to see the counselor one on one, but yet did not follow through.

And wow you should see the cell phone records (that I only got access to a few weeks ago). I stopped counting text messages, during their communication, after a couple of hundred (with any many more but I stopped counting cause it makes me sick). Even after I confronted both my wife and the other man in early october and told them to stop the "friendship", the communication continued until end of november, and then just stopped. but who knows they could have communicated a different way.I finally let it go in end of Oct, and never brought it up again even though her stories did not make sense. our marriage did get better till the affair was exposed.

She went part time in february at the hotel and only worked one day a week as she took afulltime job.the phone records show that there are no text messages or phone calls since end of Nov.

But yet his pictures remained on her facebook until I demanded that the pictures are to be
deleted. her excuse was i forgot, though she was on facebook almost everyday. She cut him as a

friend on facebook in Oct.

When D-Day hit she went hysterical with tears. I said that it was not just the affair but the

dishonesty that was destroying our marriage. I kept asking and asking and she just blew up

yelling screaming crying. She kept crying to the point of hyperventilating and then practically

fainted. I finally stopped. I felt terrible for what I did by pushing but hell, she lied and

lied and lied. She was the one that went hysterical. Also on 3 different nights before D-Day I

kept asking for the truth and she would just cry saying nothing happened.

I told a few of my closest friends and her parents. Her mother is flying in on sunday to be with her daughter. Her mother feels terrible about all of this.

I took a different position within my company which involved going out of town for 45 days. Her mother will stay with her till then.

I finally stopped the questioning last week. And when I left town last week and arrived here in my present location, all i asked was is there anymore to the truth, and she keeps saying (tearfully) no. That she wants me to stop digging deeper, and wants us to leave this behind and start over. So now for the past week I have been treating her super nice, asking about her day, reminding that I love her. This is the truth (not a damn tactic to get more information like the other forum said).

I am just hoping that the mother will help me get the truth.

cul, the fastest most effective way to get the truth is to schedule a polygraph and tell her TWO DAYS before hand. Hand her a list of questions that you intend to ask and give her an opportunity to come clean beforehand. Tell her if she fails, you are getting a divorce. And you should get a divorce if she fails it.

MOST waywards spill their guts well before the polygraph so expect a big, sporatic, emotionally driven, document dump.

I will tell you right now this affair is not over. She and the OM have probably gone to pre-paid, secret phones. The fact that she wants you to stop asking and the fact that all contact suddenly stopped - absence any real remorse - tells me contact has never ended.

It is a terrible time to go away for 45 days and I would strongly suggest you get home and don't do this again. Every night you spend apart is an opportunity for her to meet her lover.

Is the OM married? If so, have you exposed to his wife? Have you exposed the affair to every key person in your friends and family circle?

What does the OM do and does he know she is married?

Has your wife ended that job completely?

I agree, because one she told you that the "friendship" was over, then you come to find out the next month hundred of text messages and hundred of calls, and then all of a sudden NOTHING?? Ya sounds fishy to me!! I think they got "secret-phones" so they can still be in contact, ya she took him off her friends list but he can still send her messages, that's why I mentioned to BLOCK his FB page so he can't send her messages threw FB. And he might have a "fake" FB page just so they can chat, hence why I mentioned she can't talk to any male friends on FB, text, etc. Get my driff? I hope so! Yes your wife might be crying and being hysterical but that's because YOU found out, but will she stop just cause you know? NOPE!

Give her the polygraph test, ask all of these questions that you want to know.

1. Are you still contacting the OM?
2. Have you had sex more then 10 times?

etc.

Get that truth OUT OF HER!!