|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
and take notes? Dr Harley is going to answer a question I sent him at the top of the hour and I won't be able to listen to it today.  It starts at 2:00 cst at this link: radio station Here is what I asked: Hi Joyce! Can you ask Dr Harley to clear up some confusing information? He says in this article in Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 How Do Affairs Begin? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. " But he says in Why Women Leave Men http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html"When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men." Can you clarify these statements? Thanks!! MelodyLane Hello Melody,
Thanks for your thoughtful email question.
We will clarify these statements at the top of the show on Thursday, May 27th, 2:00 p.m. CT.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Also, just a reminder if anyone wants to call in and talk to Dr Harley, you can call:
MARRIAGE BUILDERS� RADIO
AM980 KKMS (St. Paul, Minnesota)
MONDAY - FRIDAY
2:00PM - 3:00PM CENTRAL TIME (GMT-5)
888-332-5169 (toll-free)
651-289-4499 (local and international)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
I'll try to- shouldn't be a problem.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736 |
It sure would be nice if the show came in podcast form.
Hint, hint, hint.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
You know, I've been thinking about that. It would be excellent if it were a podcast! I'd be ok with them only offering episodes for a short while, too. Like This American Life.
Who could we talk to about that idea? Think maybe I should email Joyce with the idea? Maybe if enough interest is showed they'd consider it.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Did anyone hear the answer? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,535 Likes: 9
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,535 Likes: 9 |
Did anyone hear the answer? What was the question?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
I'm listening to it right now. But I don't think they answered the question very well and they've moved on... phooey. The Question: and take notes? Dr Harley is going to answer a question I sent him at the top of the hour and I won't be able to listen to it today. It starts at 2:00 cst at this link: radio station Here is what I asked: Hi Joyce! Can you ask Dr Harley to clear up some confusing information? He says in this article in Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 How Do Affairs Begin? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. " But he says in Why Women Leave Men http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html"When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men." Can you clarify these statements? Thanks!! MelodyLane Hello Melody,
Thanks for your thoughtful email question.
We will clarify these statements at the top of the show on Thursday, May 27th, 2:00 p.m. CT. Here are the quick notes I wrote of what he said: So many spouses lie about affairs, when one wants a separation, best guess is they are having an affair?
Most separations have lovers in the wings. Harley recommends separation for phys / emo abuse or neglect like Gem�s story. Here separation makes sense. This is HARLEY giving advice.
When someone comes to him and say they want separation his first thought it �who�s your lover?�
Getting a separation usually doesn�t occur to most women unless they�re in an affair.
Women leave husbands as last ditch effort when they have no hope left of saving the marriage.
#1 cause of divorce is neglect.
If a woman leaving for neglect chances are she�s done for good.
Harley recommends to get separated while you still have love for each other and without someone in the wings.
The problem with sticking together is that as your restore your marriage through an affair under your nose you will suffer tremendous stress, autoimmune problems, so Harley recommends separation to save your health.
When someone says their spouse wants to separate, his thought is that there may be an affair and in most cases they are.
Harley recommending separation is therapeutic.
When someone comes to him wanting a separation it is because they want to be with their lover in most cases. I believe I managed to record it so I'm going to try to go back to re-listen to it. I think they got hung up on the reasons to recommend separation, whether separation was a good idea if it could end in divorce. I think Mel's question was more about if the main reason women leave men is neglect, why is it he thinks adultery when a woman wants a separation. I could venture to extrapolate (from the comments I bolded) from the impression I got from the show that if a Woman has NO LOVE for her husband, then she's probably leaving due to neglect, but it takes a lot for a woman to get to that point because a woman will put up with so much. I also got the impression that this type of woman would just leave, not necessarily negotiate a separation. However, typically if a person woman wants a separation (but hasn't actually separated yet) and is in counselling to work on her marriage, then she hasn't reached that 'leave him due to neglect' limit yet and is probably in an affair, because women typically will only resort to separation as a last resort, unless they have another person lined up. Basically the impression I got was if a woman is neglected and hits her limit she will just leave. She is done and almost nothing will bring her back. If a woman is requesting a separation but kinda waffling a bit, it's probably because she's got an understudy waiting in the wings.
Last edited by Vibrissa; 05/27/10 03:04 PM. Reason: clarify notes
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736 |
Well I've been here waiting for the answer. I got connected to the stream at X:11, so apparently the answer was in the first 10 minutes.
I'm now listening to Tim Hawkins, he's funny.
I wonder how many of these walk away wives actually tried counseling, sat down and asked for changes in a RESPECTFUL fashion. The segment prior talked about negotiation being respecting the position of the other person. That includes asking for a change in a respectful fashion.
Given the fact that someone would just walk away, or that they would have an affair is a key indicator that they are not operating out of respect for their husbands. It begs the question, did they voice their complaints in a respectful fashion.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
Actually, the answer was in the second to last segment. I managed to record audio of it, it's about 5 min long.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736 |
How long is the show??? So if I'm listening to the part about Tim Hawkings and respect, how much longer until I hear it?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 302
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 302 |
That sounds about what I heard also Vibrissa....and they kept bringing up my phone call from last week!!! The lady with the spouse working 80hrs plus vacationing away by himself w/o his wife or family!
I never was confused about Dr.H's approach on Mel's question....on my call Dr.H advised me to do the seperation thing but to get ready and plan for it first....hopefully it will never come to that of course but that was his advice so I get why he didn't say to me "so who's your lover?" LMAO!
He made it really clear that people in A's come to him and don't want to work on the marriage AT ALL...they just want seperation....and that is the RED FLAG for him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 302
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 302 |
Vibrissa how are you able to record it???
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
Free software I downloaded online. I'm not sure what the policies are about linking to 3rd parties, but just google 'Record streaming audio' and there are quite a few softwares that can do it, and several of them are pretty easy to use/ configure. The one I use works out of my firefox browser, however it broke up the radio program into weird segments, doesn't do that with other stuff I record.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178 |
I'm listening to it right now. But I don't think they answered the question very well and they've moved on... phooey. The Question: and take notes? Dr Harley is going to answer a question I sent him at the top of the hour and I won't be able to listen to it today. It starts at 2:00 cst at this link: radio station Here is what I asked: Hi Joyce! Can you ask Dr Harley to clear up some confusing information? He says in this article in Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 How Do Affairs Begin? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. " But he says in Why Women Leave Men http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html"When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men." Can you clarify these statements? Thanks!! MelodyLane Hello Melody,
Thanks for your thoughtful email question.
We will clarify these statements at the top of the show on Thursday, May 27th, 2:00 p.m. CT. Here are the quick notes I wrote of what he said: So many spouses lie about affairs, when one wants a separation, best guess is they are having an affair?
Most separations have lovers in the wings. Harley recommends separation for phys / emo abuse or neglect like Gem�s story. Here separation makes sense. This is HARLEY giving advice.
When someone comes to him and say they want separation his first thought it �who�s your lover?�
Getting a separation usually doesn�t occur to most women unless they�re in an affair.
Women leave husbands as last ditch effort when they have no hope left of saving the marriage.
#1 cause of divorce is neglect.
If a woman leaving for neglect chances are she�s done for good.
Harley recommends to get separated while you still have love for each other and without someone in the wings.
The problem with sticking together is that as your restore your marriage through an affair under your nose you will suffer tremendous stress, autoimmune problems, so Harley recommends separation to save your health.
When someone says their spouse wants to separate, his thought is that there may be an affair and in most cases they are.
Harley recommending separation is therapeutic.
When someone comes to him wanting a separation it is because they want to be with their lover in most cases. I believe I managed to record it so I'm going to try to go back to re-listen to it. I think they got hung up on the reasons to recommend separation, whether separation was a good idea if it could end in divorce. I think Mel's question was more about if the main reason women leave men is neglect, why is it he thinks adultery when a woman wants a separation. I could venture to extrapolate (from the comments I bolded) from the impression I got from the show that if a Woman has NO LOVE for her husband, then she's probably leaving due to neglect, but it takes a lot for a woman to get to that point because a woman will put up with so much. I also got the impression that this type of woman would just leave, not necessarily negotiate a separation. However, typically if a person woman wants a separation (but hasn't actually separated yet) and is in counselling to work on her marriage, then she hasn't reached that 'leave him due to neglect' limit yet and is probably in an affair, because women typically will only resort to separation as a last resort, unless they have another person lined up. Basically the impression I got was if a woman is neglected and hits her limit she will just leave. She is done and almost nothing will bring her back. If a woman is requesting a separation but kinda waffling a bit, it's probably because she's got an understudy waiting in the wings. It probably depends on what the law in each state is. Where I live, there is a mandatory 1 year separatrion requirement before you can even file for divorce, but there is no such thiing here as "legal separation." So we may be dealing with semantics here. If I were to leave my husband for "neglect" and there were no lover in the wings, I would still have to first have a 6 month separation period if no kids and 1 year separation with kids before I could file. "Just leaving" is not an option in my state. At least that is my undestanding. Now, if there are othr reasons for divorce, such as an affair, then a separation is not required. I've never talked to a lawyer so I'm not sure if what I'm saying is even accurate. It's just my understanding, based on what others have said.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I could venture to extrapolate (from the comments I bolded) from the impression I got from the show that if a Woman has NO LOVE for her husband, then she's probably leaving due to neglect, but it takes a lot for a woman to get to that point because a woman will put up with so much. I also got the impression that this type of woman would just leave, not necessarily negotiate a separation. Ok, maybe that is the difference.  Women who get divorced for neglect just get divorced. Women who are having an affair usually just ask for a "separation" to get some "space." Thanks for taking notes, Vibrissa! You are awesome.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993 |
Do what I can 
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 372
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 372 |
Well I've been here waiting for the answer. I got connected to the stream at X:11, so apparently the answer was in the first 10 minutes.
I'm now listening to Tim Hawkins, he's funny.
I wonder how many of these walk away wives actually tried counseling, sat down and asked for changes in a RESPECTFUL fashion. The segment prior talked about negotiation being respecting the position of the other person. That includes asking for a change in a respectful fashion.
Given the fact that someone would just walk away, or that they would have an affair is a key indicator that they are not operating out of respect for their husbands. It begs the question, did they voice their complaints in a respectful fashion. I am certainly no expert, but your comment suggests that you believe that a husband who has failed and neglected his spouse enough for her to walk away or even want to do so, or to have an affair, still somehow deserves respect simply for being her husband. Not so. Respect is earned. No one is entitled to it. It is earned. Especially in a relationship. I know this, because I failed and deserved no respect for 26 years. My anger at being treated disrespectfully led me to cheat serially. But I earned that disrespect from the get go with self-centered behavior. My taker was in total control and on a rampage. I am trying to learn to earn it now and change my old habits and personality, and I have a long row to hoe and very deep hole to climb out of. If I make it before I die, I will be a very happy man.
FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 76
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 76 |
Is there any way to find out if/when it might be replayed or if I could listen to it recorded somewhere online or by email link? I would have liked to listen. Podcasts, webcasts, anything would be great for those of us that can't log in and listen live.
Sorry I missed it. Sounded educational from the notes.
Thanks.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
682
guests, and
45
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
