Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 38 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 37 38
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
and, unlike what ChrisNOVA said about men, I am not overweight, unattractive, or have bad breath. I would vain, but not incorrect to say, most men would *die* to have my H's "problem" (a wife who enjoys SF).


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Originally Posted By: jayne241
Puppy looks well-bred... is it German lines? American?


German, german, german! Like me! smile

She is so gorgeous, and she picked me to be her master. She came from a litter of 14! She will be smaller than our last G.S and a shorter coat, which is a plus for me (being the one who cleans up after her)!


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
14, holy cow! Poor mom!

German, yep, my twin! I could send you links to pics of mine...


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,518
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,518
Suppose one day you are 75, and it doesn't happen to for you or for him? Very likely. Do you just give up?

That's what a lot of people do when they are 30 or 35 or 40.
If it's "not happening" for them once or twice, they just figure they must be out of business.
Self-fulfilling self-image.
90% of sex is between your ears.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
And may I be frank? Thank you.

The reason I have had such an issue with the Sf lately, besides just the fact I like and miss the frequency:

when I was on bed rest with our 4 year old, I heard on a daily basis "your mouth is not broken, right"? (joking, but not) or he wanted other stimulation. Which, I was fine with until it felt like it was not about intimacy at all, but a release. Like I was just a release. Then, when I was pregnant with (our) #2 and put on bed rest, he still wanted/needed/expected regular SF, even if I was not allowed to by Dr's orders. We went less than 2 weeks without it (maybe 6 days?) and he starts an EA and starts to complain to me about how I was not putting out. Mind you, I was on bed rest, our previous child was born a month early (I went into labor right after we SF'd) and spent TWO WEEKS in the NICU and almost DIED, and he is still needing consistent SF. When we go to counseling after I find out about EA, he gets a Get Out of Jail Free Card because I didnt meet his needs. For 6 days. Really? I didnt get a health reprieve?

So, here we are and the rolls are reversed and there is not a health issue. But I am expected (total DJ, I know) to just wait until he isnt too tired? How unfair is that?


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Yes, please! Let me email you first. smile


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Originally Posted By: Retread
Suppose one day you are 75, and it doesn't happen to for you or for him? Very likely. Do you just give up?

That's what a lot of people do when they are 30 or 35 or 40.
If it's "not happening" for them once or twice, they just figure they must be out of business.
Self-fulfilling self-image.
90% of sex is between your ears.


Thank you, I think I needed that.

That being said, this is the first time I did not know how to feel/react, and neither did he, so he feigned "asleep". Do we talk about it? Can I help him? We have had a life of stress together, and I mean STRESS, and it has never shown up like this in the bedroom.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Oh, he feigned sleep? I thought he'd actually fallen asleep.

What are your theories about why this happened? Stress, tired, already took care of it himself...?


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Work stress.

Then our annoying neighbors added fuel to the fire this evening when H and I and the kids were out front with the puppy. "Oh, you are SO accomplished for your age, it is so impressive". They are looking at both of us, but it is clearly directed at my H. I try and lighten it up with "oh, you mean because I have birthed a bunch of kids, I could do it in my sleep". She half-laughs and looks at my H, "my son is older than you and has half the experience you do. So impressive".

Blech.

I guess I am not surprised, considering where we live (a very nice neigborhood), but really, these rich neighbors of ours talking to him that way could very well be adding to his stress. He is pretty young to have accomplished so much professionally.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Originally Posted By: jayne241
Oh, he feigned sleep? I thought he'd actually fallen asleep.

What are your theories about why this happened? Stress, tired, already took care of it himself...?


Total TMI here, but I already took care of myself hours before he came home from work, but simply because he denied me in the morning and I was really wanting it. I was still ready to go, no problem!


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
I'm glad to see that works for you in terms of privacy. I could never hang a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my door. I have a 14 year old and 7 year old that live with me. If we hang that sign up, they will know what we are doing. I realize that the 14 year old knows that I and her step-mother have sex; however I don't want her knowing. I equate it to I know my parents had/have sex. However, I don't want to know when or even have a hint they are having sex. My parents were always affectionate to each other around me--hugs, kisses, the occassional slap on the ass that I always said "oh gross" to. So I knew they were intimate with each other. However, I definately do not want to walk past their door when they have that sign hanging up. Its like when Im in a hotel and I see that sign, I automatically tell my wife, Uh huhlook at what them freaks are doing. My wife giggles and says something equally tacky.

Im not sure if Id bring it up. Hes prob. embarrassed and questioning his manhood. If it happens again, I might bring it up. He could be so wound up because of stress his blood pressure is high and is causing a constriction in his blood vessels which is getting in the way of blood flow to the groin. L-Arginine and pycnogenol is reported as a good combination for this problem. Also, sports nutrition stores carry a ton of vasodilators. Or theres always cialis (which can always be fun if you have a weekend away from the kids).


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Thank you, KT.

In an effort to help you come up with a privacy plan that does not scream to your kids "we are doing the nasty", I say start small. It IS easier to start when they are younger, but that does not mean you are doomed from here until they are out of the house.

Using an excuse of "we need to talk with no interruptions, it is very important we get this time, so this is the new boundary..." would work well with kids of their age. It does NOT have to mean sex.

I think it is crucial for parents to let their kids see that THIER relationship, as parent, comes FIRST. A happy marriage makes a happy family, right? Let your kids see this. Let them see you put focus on YOUR relationship, and they might follow suit someday on their own.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
I haven't yet had the courage to try SF with awake kids in the house... well maybe on a Saturday morning when they're still downstairs watching toons...

If kids are asleep then there's no problem, right? Well, assuming they are old enough to sleep through the night. Then I guess eventually they get old enough that you can't be sure they are asleep yet...


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Originally Posted By: Gdar

I think it is crucial for parents to let their kids see that THIER relationship, as parent, comes FIRST. A happy marriage makes a happy family, right? Let your kids see this. Let them see you put focus on YOUR relationship, and they might follow suit someday on their own.


We have for a bit now taking one Saturday a month and going out to eat without the kids and getting a hotel room. She likes to drink wine and pina coladas, I like to drink burbon. It's a fun time. The kids always ask why we have to leave for the night. We've always explained that it's because Mom and Dad love each other and they need some time to be alone, that we do this because we love each other, and if we didn't love each other, the family wouldn't stay together.

I'm now having horrific visions of my parents putting that sign on their door. Thanks! smile

Last edited by kilted_thrower; 05/28/10 12:17 AM.

Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
Originally Posted By: Gdar

I think it is crucial for parents to let their kids see that THIER relationship, as parent, comes FIRST. A happy marriage makes a happy family, right? Let your kids see this. Let them see you put focus on YOUR relationship, and they might follow suit someday on their own.


We have for a bit now taking one Saturday a month and going out to eat without the kids and getting a hotel room. She likes to drink wine and pina coladas, I like to drink burbon. It's a fun time. The kids always ask why we have to leave for the night. We've always explained that it's because Mom and Dad love each other and they need some time to be alone, that we do this because we love each other, and if we didn't love each other, the family wouldn't stay together.

I'm now having horrific visions of my parents putting that sign on their door. Thanks! smile


You are WELCOME!

It works. WE (marriage) comes first! We are better parents this way. Why do you think I am trying so hard? lol

Jayne, you can DO IT! YOU CAN!


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Um... like hang a tie on the doorknob? lol

DS8b was watching a nature show the other day, and they started getting a bit too explicit on what a male stingray does... blush


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
Hahhaa. You just wait - when they get into middle school, it can be mind boggling what they are exposed to - on an academic level!!


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
G
Gdar Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 989
In all seriousness. I would like to address what my H said with my son in the car. "I am so sick of your kids".

I understand he is stressed. I get it. I have allowed many things to pass as a result. But he is a professional. Treats little piece of [censored] kids with more care and respect than he is showing mine right now, and that is not like him. He is a good step dad. He has not been careful or thoughtful in the way he has been addressing them TO them, or to ME, lately.


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 248
Originally Posted By: Gdar
And may I be frank? Thank you.

The reason I have had such an issue with the Sf lately, besides just the fact I like and miss the frequency:

when I was on bed rest with our 4 year old, I heard on a daily basis "your mouth is not broken, right"? (joking, but not) or he wanted other stimulation. Which, I was fine with until it felt like it was not about intimacy at all, but a release. Like I was just a release. Then, when I was pregnant with (our) #2 and put on bed rest, he still wanted/needed/expected regular SF, even if I was not allowed to by Dr's orders. We went less than 2 weeks without it (maybe 6 days?) and he starts an EA and starts to complain to me about how I was not putting out. Mind you, I was on bed rest, our previous child was born a month early (I went into labor right after we SF'd) and spent TWO WEEKS in the NICU and almost DIED, and he is still needing consistent SF. When we go to counseling after I find out about EA, he gets a Get Out of Jail Free Card because I didnt meet his needs. For 6 days. Really? I didnt get a health reprieve?

So, here we are and the rolls are reversed and there is not a health issue. But I am expected (total DJ, I know) to just wait until he isnt too tired? How unfair is that?

so now you have SF at the drop of a hat...he walks through the door and its SF time...you feel you have to keep him soooo satisfied to keep him from having anymore affairs...that's what I get from this story...

so what happens if you (God forbid) really get sick and you aren't able to or really feel like any type of SF? do you trust your hubby enough to go 6 months without SF and stay faithful to his vows to you?

granted SF is your number 1 need and you need to have your needs met, but honestly...I'm a man with SF as his number 1 need too, but IF I'd had sex last night, this morning and my wife wanted again when I walked into the door...honestly, I'm already satisfied and may really not be in the mood, at that moment, or even later that evening and may even be put off from the advances...I don't need sex 3 times a day to prove to me I'm loved, yet SF IS my number 1. i may feel a little used...but that's just me...I'm happy with sex twice a week...some nights it's nice just to lie together and cuddle, without sex...

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Gdar, I'm just getting caught up w/ your thread. I've got lots of thoughts running 'round in my head, so I hope bullet points are ok? I'm not lecturing. It's just quicker than formulating paragraphs. smile

1. SF...my H is 53 and SF is his #1 (and #2 and #3...) need. He's always ready, willing and able and wishes I would be a more willing partner no doubt. He's always thought that no matter what else, we should be hot for eachother 24/7. He's probably right in that regard, though I find it hard to compartmentalize as he can do and and am my own worst enemy as far as allowing resentment and anger to get in my way. Even with all that, there have been a handful of times throughout our 22 years of marriage, where stuff just didn't work the right way for him. I can count those times on one hand. I think if I'd made a big deal out of it, the temporary physical thing could have easily given in to a mental thing. It it does continue, gently suggest that he go to a doctor because men of any age can develop testosterone issues and they are not necessarily permanent. And they are easily treatable.

Anyway, you don't seem to have the problem that I do, of getting in your own way re: SF, so stay the course!


2. The EA. I am also a BS of an H who had an EA. There was lost more going on in our marriage at the time than lack of SF. The lack of SF was because I had completely mentally and physically stepped out of the marriage. I was sick and tired of the same old crap. And during a trip to his HS reunion, he met up with his old girlfriend and the EA was off and running. It gets more complex than that because, even though he had told me EVERYTHING about all the other women in his life, he never mentioned that he had a romantic relationship with this one. I knew of her existence but not that she was a girlfriend. So added to the EA is dishonesty about sexual past and I haven't forgiven him for that. I have forgiven the EA, but not the dishonesty. (gee, I *just* figured that out...up 'til now I thought I couldn't get past the EA. Now to figure out HOW to tell him that...) It all still rears its ugly head in my bad moments.

3. The comment to your son. IMO, this needs to be addressed. This is unacceptable. He's entitled to his feelings and opinions and he's of course entitled to share them with you. But to say something like that IN FRONT OF your son? I think you need to draw a firm boundary line here.

I'm sorry. Not only did I go way further than simple bullets, I wound up barfing my own BS all over your thread.

((((gdar))))


Dog is adorable BTW, as is your little blonde haired beauty!

Page 10 of 38 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 37 38

Link Copied to Clipboard
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 23 guests, and 41 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Man in Dallas, NHgirl66, Hibiscus_22, Isaiah46.4, Ethereal15
71,607 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,512
Posts2,322,342
Members71,607
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5