's Wheels!!

Thanks for the support....today has been emotionally awful for me. Besides worrying about WH's foggy text message, My little bi-polar son's school called and I had to pick him up today...actally my parents got him, but I came home anyway. He apparently hollered obsenitites on the church bus and kept taking his seatbelt off...I was mortified ( one of my favorite words).

Anyhoo, then DD14 asked me if she could get her bellybutton pierced...I can't believe how she is acting now that WH is gone. She also keeps badgering her brothers about calling their dad. I told her to stop because he is an adult and should be the one making contact with his children...it's rediculous how he is gaslighting her too. He gives her a big sob story about how the boys don't even care about him because they never call.

My DS11 told me this morning that he wants to tell his father something. He said, "mama, it seems that daddy is just going about his business like nothing has happened. He acts like it's no big deal. I see you and I see how much you hurt and how hard you are working and I want to tell him that if he goes with this woman, I will never talk to or see him again."

I don't know what to think of that???? I don't want him to become bitter.

Bitter? That is a healthy, normal reaction to the despicable behavior your H has heaped on your family. Being angry about abuse is a healthy reaction.

It is your daughter that concerns me. She is being gaslighted by your H and taught that wrong is right at a very, very vulnerable age.

Your son has shown the healthiest reaction of all your kids. He GETS what is going on and because of his moral training, is rightfully morally outraged. That means he KNOWS and respects the difference between right and wrong.

I would encourage him to tell his dad how he feels in person or in a letter. Your H very much needs to hear how he is affecting his children.

My DS11 is also very much like me and he is a worry wart. He wants to tell him, but he's afraid to. Maybe a letter might be a good idea. they already had a strained relationship before all this happened.

Yes, I agree that your DS should write WH a letter and let WH know what he feels and thinks. My DS9 does it when he feels like he needs to tell him something. It is done when I am not even around the computer and I don't even know what he has written until after he has sent it. It breaks my heart to read it. WH doesn't really respond to it, but no matter. DS9 needs to tell him so he doesn't keep it bottled up.

Please don't fret about OW. She is NOTHING to you. She is GUM on the bottom of your shoe. She is hanging on, but you are trying to remove her. NOTHING.

reply to your daughter

Interesting that you want to permanently decorate your body just now. What's up?

Get her talking.

I just attended a graduation this week where drug abuse has dropped, out of 500 kids, less than 10% have body piercings or tats. The extension of friendship throughout the whole student body is amazing - very few outcasts, even with odd hair or clothing - everyone seems to be welcomed in.

It's a more welcoming culture than the graduating class from my own life - class size about the same, and this group was more racially and religiously diverse than my high school.

It was an amazing experience watching this kids grow up. I wish your daughter had that kind of culture to grow up in, because there's been little if any pressure to dress a certain way, harm themselves physically or mentally, or behave a certain way. The geeks and the jocks didn't necessarily play buddy-buddy because they didn't have a lot in common but they got along, and respected each other.

It's time to surround your daughter with people who encourage her to be herself, not an imitation of Gaga or Britney.

She's been wanting different piercings over the years and she's asked for things like a 2nd piercing on her ears or a nose piercings. Her daddy and I have always stood firm, "No". Now she comes in today and says, "I love you mom" She neve says this unless the wants something...she is so much like her father. Always manipulating me to get what she wants. I told her no in a bold front. I told her that she will never get an ok from me on that. Next, thing I know, I go in her room and get her phone. She is quickly trying to delete a text that says, "because the court says so." I said, "what's that about?" She lied and said, "it's from Nieci" I asked her why Nieci would be talking about the courts. Then I saw it was from her father. This is how it went...she said, "can I stay with you?" H said, "I'm sorry baby you can't" DD14 says, "why" and then he replies, "because the court says so"

This whole thing just ripped my heart out. I'm sure it gave my husband great delight. She's very involved in church, but not with friends from church. This bothers me alot. I'm just sick about all this and I'm helpless to change it.

This is a COMPLETELY NORMAL reaction unfortunately. You see, she is a teenager and she knows that YOU are the GOOD parent and that Dad would be the FUN parent(sometimes called Disney Dad). She is going to try to get you two against eachother so she will get her own way. Just stay the course. You are the better parent.

Your WH doesn't want DD around because it would ruin his HIGH. He doesn't want REALITY to get in the way of fantasyland.



This had to hurt you. KNOW that YOU ARE THE BETTER PARENT. Don't cave to your WS or Teenaged DD now, she needs you

I think that you get besmudged with amnesty on Ash Wednesday - that's what the black stuff on your forehead is...the actual besmudging part.

Leaves a mark and everything. HopeE just did the FB version, and apparently gets a kick out of it. Maybe she should have waited until she was officially ordained and all - maybe that's why her WH is so upset.

;-)
SB

I just talked with my brother about letting my husband know that I'm having phone forward all text messages. He's telling him that unless it's about children or finances, then I won't be receiving those messages.

I think today's events and including the lovely text from last night have made me feel like the discovery night...I can't eat. Schoolbus, I could really use your breaking down that text like you did on other messages. I love it when you do that.

"You have ruined lives with your vicious and assumptive lies. He jumps in with the plural "lives" in talking about the damage he feels your exposure is doing. He is in a protective mode, but interestingly, the protection is for OW, not for the children of his marriage. The text is all about OW and "her" situation. No mention of children. Too bad - he is in full taker mode. Selfish and self-centered, still. I hope you pay for it big time. You have totally proven why I have planned on a divorce for years. Then...why do the two of you have a young son? How many "years" would this include? He has rewritten his memory bank. Not uncommon in this situation. I know you get relief in besmudging people with amnesty, A phrase I have never before heard, because what he has done is gone to his (apparently quite small) thesaurus in his brain and tried to use big words to insult you. Unfortunately, had he actually read the meaning of these words (apparently right now the dictionary function is not working), he might have found that the phrase he has turned here is meaningless. It did, however, crack me up, because I could just see Ash Wednesday and the priest smudging my forehead with a bit of that amnesty. but thats about to change. You have lied enough! You are truly the most evil, not Godly Thesaurus error - he might have meant "ungodly", but maybe I'm putting words in his mouth. , human being I ever had the bad fortune to meet. He's just venting here. He is angry and having word-finding errors in the process. Your exposure obviously has gotten back to OW, and....let's see....if he isn't talking to OW, how ever would he know that it is bothering her??? Oh, wait, I KNOW! They are TALKING TO EACH OTHER!!!! Yep. You are a liar about everything. Nope. HE IS. Please do not think I would ever reconcile. My husband said this. Many waywards say this. There is a manual out there that they must read, and so they say it because it is in the manual.

This is the reason I've been contemplating and planning my escape for years. Okay, Let's look at this. He has been "planning" his "escape" for "years"???? How much truth is here, really? He is an adult man, with a steady income. During this "planning" phase that has gone on for years, did he "plan" your youngest child, or did that "planning" occur AFTER the child was born? Because if he is honest about this, he would NOT BE HAVING SEX WITH YOU if he was "planning an escape" from your marriage. He would not, simply not, be having more children, had any such PLAN be underway. The reverse would be true - if a PLAN were in place, he would PROTECT himself against any further enmeshment in the marriage, including further progeny. He lies. Furthermore, why on earth would a gainfully employed adult need to plan for years to divorce? In this day and age, divorce is fairly commonplace, and granted in nearly all cases in court. He need only sit down with you, discuss the situation AS AN ADULT, and state his desire to leave. No "escape plan" is needed. This sentence is crap and you and he both know that.

I hear you are still slandering OW too. Ahhh. Here's the admission. There never was what you wanted there to be. Well, YOU never wanted ANYTHING to be there. This may actually be a tell on what HE wanted to be there - and that this whole thing is not panning out the way he thought it would. He thought you would passively accept it (or never find out). OOOPS, he was wrong. I hope she sues you. He's mad. And No, there is not anything now either. Wait,,,,,,he just admitted a second ago that the two of them were still talking....liar liar pants on fire. Just what she always was just a friend. Nope. Not a friend. I don't spend the night with my male friends, and YOU DON'T EITHER, because your husband would have a conniption. But that was my mistake. Here is the not-so-veiled threat. He is trying to say this: "I am not admitting to having sex with her. But if I haven't had sex with her,that was a mistake, because all the trouble I'm in now.....well.....it would have been worth having sex with her because the fallout from what the two of us did is about the same as having sex anyway. I want you to believe that I haven't crossed that line, and that this sentence is meant to leave that possibility open in your mind that I HAVEN'T slept with her. YET. This is a threat that I MIGHT, if you don't stop this.

The problem is, that you have the ex husband of the OW trying to tell you that no sex has occurred. Your husband won't admit it either. This is still an affair, plain and simple, because your husband is willing to trade EVERYTHING and walk out the door for this fantasy.


Stand your ground.

Schoolbus "

One of the issues you are facing is that your WH and this OW's XH are trying to sell this as you not having the "facts".

What they are trying to sell is that "no affair" has happened - and this is likely based on some garbage that your WH and OW are trying to cook up that they haven't slept together. Do not for one minute believe that this is not an affair - it is. Whether sex has or has not occurred is a non-issue. This relationship has resulted in your husband's sneaking around, disaffection from you, alienation from your children, lying, secrecy, and all the rest. He has placed the relationship with OW above your family and your marriage. IT IS AN AFFAIR. Many people mistakenly believe that an affair only occurs when the penis touches the vagina and not a moment before. They couldn't be more wrong. The damage is done long before that - because the betrayal of the spouses and the families begin when the lying begins, so that the affairees can facilitate their meetings and clandestine rendevous.

OW's XH probably believes her line of garbage - he probably still lurves her. He is likely a person who has an idea of affair as sexual in nature only - and also believes her when she says "nothing" happened.


For what it's worth, if your husband told me that the two of them had no physical involvement, I would not believe it for a moment. He has stayed in her home, lied to her about being divorcing in order to facilitate her involvement with him, and followed the wayward script to a "T".


You hang in there. You've only been in Plan B for a very short time. In my husband's second affair, I did what was essentially a Plan B for three months. When he called me for an "important" talk, I agreed to meet him because I thought it was for divorce papers. It was because he wanted to come home.


SB

Oh, wait, besides,,,,,,

why would they keep trying to tell you that


NOTHING HAPPENED


if he was done with the marriage anyway?


Why would he even care?



HMMMMMMM.


Because he is not done. He would not be trying to text you, to break your Plan B, if your opinion and attention were unimportant.

Stay dark, because this puts pressure on the affair. All he will talk about is

hopeE

and why won't hopeE respond to my texts or emails, why won't she call, wonder what she's doing.....etc.

drives the OW nuts.


SB

Thanks schoolbus....that was awesome; I loved it. You make me smile and laugh out loud. You are quite the wordsmith and I love how you read between the lines.

Thanks Melody, you are tough and make me walk the line. You are such a committed advisor and I'd be lost without you.

Scotland, I identify with you so much and i think you are an incredible person to be in plan b and still try to keep me focused and upbeat.

I'm thankful for everyone posting here and your drive to do what's best for marriages. I know I'll feel better soon because I have great friends such as these.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hope}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know that he thinks of me at all. I can only focus on my tears right now. All I can think about is how drastically my life changed in just 4 weeks. Why won't the tears stop falling??? How will I ever heal? What if I continue to lose my daughter?
I try to pray, but words won't come. I tell God how sorry I am that I can't think on him...he must be so disappointed. How could he do this to me? Why couldn't he love me? I can't figure why I care, but I do.

hope, this will get better~! Rely on the Lord and He won't let you down.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1)

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all." (Psalm 34:19)

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee." (Psalm 55:22)

"The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" (Psalm 118:6)

"The way of the Lord is strength to the upright." (Proverbs 10:29)

"He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength." (Isaiah 40:29)

"I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee." (Isaiah 41:13)

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not." (Jeremiah 33:3)

"The people that do know their God shall be strong and do exploits." (Daniel 11:32)

"Let the weak say, I am strong." (Joel 3:10)

"The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hind's feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine
high places." (Habakkuk 3:19)

"What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." (Mark 11:24)

"Behold, I give unto you power....over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you."
(Luke 10:19)

"If God be for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or femine, or
nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through
him that loved us." (Romans 8:35-37)


"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

Thanks Melody

I needed that so much. I'm copying all of those and I'm going to post them around the house. I had a huge crying spell last night...my mama had to pray for me. This morning I feel a little better.

Thanks for listening.

Let yourself cry. You need that. Just don't let it get out of hand.

I woke up thinking about you and your DD. Now, I don't have a teenager yet, so this is just coming off the cuff. I wondered if you had told your DD the TRUTH about the way YOU feel about all of this. Has she seen your pain? I know that you want to remain strong for her. She needs to see that you are human. It is funny how we forget that our parents are PEOPLE.

I think in DD's case, your WH has probably blamed you for the reason he is not home. I am sure that he told her that you have accused him of having an affair but they are "just friends" which is hurting your WH and OW. He is playing on her sense of right and wrong as she is guiding herself through her own moral compass. It's not about trying to make her see your side as right. It is about showing her your side and allowing her to make the right decision. I am sure that you did a GREAT job raising her.

I am so happy for the people I found on this board as well. Being in Plan B is about personal growth. I am experiencing all of the GREATNESS of that, I only wish the same for you. You have shown such strength that I AM CERTAIN that you will experience GREATNESS. You need to go through the horrible feelings FIRST. Don't fight it. You NEED that to GROW.