How many who have been hurt feel that they have gone through the process and are now in a stronger relationship? How many feel that it was successful only because they are still in a relationship?

The definition of success around here is not just staying in a marriage. The definition of success in Marriage Builders terms is being in love.

My marriage is stronger now than it was before the affair. Not BECAUSE of the affair, but because we used this program. It is better in spite of the affair.

I would add that sometimes the definition of success IS divorce but in terms of marriages, the above definition applies.

I have experienced a lot of pain because of the affair and the thought of my husband leaving my marriage for another woman.......
I also know that my marriage was not right and that part of that was my fault.
Is it right that my husband chose the affair........No.......
I chose to follow the advice here and fight for my marriage, the marriage is better because of it......if I had done this before the affair, it would never have happened....
Am i now in a stronger relationship.......yes........I feel that it was a success, because having a successful relationship is what I wanted all along......
The affair woke me up for sure.........made him think about what was really at stake..........it's an interesting question when you weigh out all the aspects of a relationship......

My M is better now than before the A. Not because of the A but because my DH and I are conscious of the importance of nurturing our M. The A was a wake-up call for us.

I don't understand your last sentence. Do you mean settling for being in a relationship? Any relationship? I wouldn't call 'settling' being successful. Success = being in the best place you can be. Sometimes that place isn't in the M. In my sitch it is. Others have different outcomes - the M ends in D. I wouldn't call that 'unsucessful' because of my definition of success (see above.)

Thank you

Maritalbliss- Yes, the last part meant to be successful because you remain married, but not for the right reasons. Are you looking over your shoulder every day wondering? Are you there just for the family? ....
It is a curiosity. Many I have seen here are dealing with a second affair. That doesn't sound successful.
I am happy to hear the few responses I got from this question though.

There are a lot of people who are in marriages of convenience, which is what you have described. Hey, if it works for them - congrats. That's success. Personally, I wouldn't want to live like that. So that wouldn't fit my definition of success.

I think a second affair does show that there is a problem in the M. I can't speak to that, because my sitch involved just one affair. Maybe others will post on that one.

MB is not "stay married no matter how miserable it might be." Not even close.

MB is "build a great marriage where both spouses are happy and secure."

Many here will tell you that sometimes, the definition of recovery means personal recovery - not marital recovery. For those of us who could not recover our marriages, and I am one, personal recovery has to be the focus.

Dealing with a second affair is NOT successful. Those are cases where either the BS did not expose sufficiently to kill the affair, or where the WS simply doesn't care. That happens, as it did with my XWH, and in such hard-core cases there is nothing the BS can do.

*But at least we know we tried our damndest!!!*

Some WS are absolutely determined to have both the married life *and* the single life and will move out and divorce before giving up the single life. I would bet money that most of them are sex addicts, because all the ones I've seen (both personally and on this site) fit the criteria.

Anyway - MB is NOT "stay married at all costs".

But I can tell you this: I don't know of one single case where the WS continued contact with their affair partner and had the marriage recover. Not one.

How do you stop a WS from having contact with their affair partner? By asking nicely? No way.

You stop them by EXPOSING the dirty little secret of the affair to the bright light of day.

Once the affair is killed, you have SOME chance of recovering your marriage - a very good chance, in many cases.

But if the affair continues, you have NO chance of recovering your marriage. None. Zero. Zip. I know you think your case is different and special, but it's not.

That's why people here are pushing you so hard to expose the affair. It's so you can kill it dead and then have a chance at recovery.

Make sense now?

I have been following MB as best I can since I found out about my husband's affair. In the last two months, he's gone from resenting me and wanting nothing at all to do with me, calling me names after exposure, etc, to where he is right now - talking to Steve Harley on the phone as I type and perhaps seeing what can be done to save our marriage.

So, I call that success....we're not recovered yet by any means, but the progress shows success.

thank you all. this is the information I look for. My question has been simple. Is it worth sticking around for. I know from my end it is, but fear that it is not for her.
I certainly hope for success, but think I am still in a not so optomistic phase. thanks again

mckl, if you still love her, it's worth it. And someday she will see that too.

mck, it is worth trying, but if she doesn't come around this program will help you in that regard too. This program DOES NOT advocate sticking around in a bad marriage just to be married. Some here may have chosen to do that, but they ARE NOT working this program, I assure you.

This program cannot force a reluctant spouse to participate against her will and in those cases, Plan B and then divorce is recommended.

mckl, look again at NewPetals' timeline.

WS are always raging and furious when exposed. Crackheads don't like getting caught. It ruins all their fun when everybody knows about it and starts holding them accountable.

The trick is to NOT let your WW frighten and bully you with her anger. Just ride it out and do NOT give in to her threats (divorce, financial ruin, etc etc etc, whatever you can imagine.)

As we often say around here: Your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive her dating and scr*wing other men.

Hang in there and don't let her frighten you. She is going to try her best.

Many of those people did not implement the program fully.

And, of course, sometimes the wayward spouse did not fully engage in recovery; if allowed to, they will often do just enough to get the betrayed spouse off their back and keep the marriage and continue an adulterous life. You have to set the bar HIGH in order to get a good recovery.

Setting that bar HIGH will give you either a FANTASTIC marriage, or full knowledge that you did the best you can and that being away from your wayward spouse is absolutely the right decision.