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What are your thoughts on using Plan A without knowing OM's identity? Doesn't this give room for smoke and mirrors> I don't want to equip them anymore. Need advice, HELP!
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What are your thoughts on using Plan A without knowing OM's identity? Doesn't this give room for smoke and mirrors> I don't want to equip them anymore. Need advice, HELP! I thought you were going to demand that she be open and honest with you and if she wasn't tell her you don't have a leg to stand on in your marriage and plan B or D if she didn't agree? After the last affairs and the way she is mistreating you, are you considering going the full MB recover method again? It is certainly your choice to do so. SWW
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What are your thoughts on using Plan A without knowing OM's identity? Doesn't this give room for smoke and mirrors> I don't want to equip them anymore. Need advice, HELP! You need to get the OM's identity.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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freshday, Plan A is not appropriate for your situation at all. You don't plan A a serial cheater. I would move to Plan B if she won't commit to a program of recovery.
Plan A is a waste of your time because this is not about need meetin.' This is about her belief that you will not do anything to stop her from committing adultery. And so far, she is correct.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Maybe my question is really this,Do I initiate Plan B without knowing OM's identity or just start Plan B. My apologies.
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I wouldn't bother if you don't know who OM is. That is a very basic piece of info.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Maybe my question is really this,Do I initiate Plan B without knowing OM's identity or just start Plan B. My apologies. Will your wife not tell you who he is?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No she is still trying to fool me into thinking i just don't trust her and nothing is wrong. But she is not aware of all of the evidence I have. I am gathering it and pull the rug out from under her. I am just apprehensive because of the rest of the family the decision is big because the consequences are enormous. I really just want to make sure I do everything right.
Last edited by freshday10; 05/28/10 10:09 AM.
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No she is still trying to fool me into thinking i just don't trust her and nothing is wrong. But she is not aware of all of the evidence I have. I am gathering it and pull the rug out from under her. I am just apprehensive because of the rest of the family the decision is big because the consequences are enormous. I really just want to make sure I do everything right. FD, I would get the rest of the intel and then do a nuclear exposure. Then if she doesn't end her affair, you would get a legal separation getting her out and then go into Plan B. How can you get the goods on her the most effectively? What actions are you taking to get the intel?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No she is still trying to fool me into thinking i just don't trust her and nothing is wrong. But...........you don't trust her. You should not trust an untrustworthy person. Does she believe she has a trust "entitlement?" Oddly, many WWs believe they are entitled to this like a welfare program or something. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Since suspiscion has hit her this is what I have found, changed voicemail from identifying her name to a generic mailbox, now there is a code to even access her voicemail, facebook has been changed to where even friends on her account cannot see her page, the cell phone account access has been put on hold for security reasons. However I was able to scan a copy of romantic text and make several duplicates. Have security service checking on partial number and have bought a VAR to try and catch something. By the way the first A in her opinion was something she felt as an entitlement.
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Since suspiscion has hit her this is what I have found, changed voicemail from identifying her name to a generic mailbox, now there is a code to even access her voicemail, facebook has been changed to where even friends on her account cannot see her page, the cell phone account access has been put on hold for security reasons. However I was able to scan a copy of romantic text and make several duplicates. Have security service checking on partial number and have bought a VAR to try and catch something. By the way the first A in her opinion was something she felt as an entitlement. Well Fresh, Yep, she is at it again. Good job on hiring a PI to find out OM�s identity. You know what to do now. Find his identity, expose to the world and then: You decide whether this woman has the character and integrity to continue as your wife. I think for me personally, if my WW didn�t snap out of it pretty danged quick I would tell her to hit the road. SWW
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Lastly, WW mother and grandmother seem to be mostly in shock, sending texts to me saying, "there is nothing to do, God knows, we are praying and trusting in him." freshday, slap a GPS on her car. Go to the 2nd post here here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Great news today, I just learned of the OM'S name. Thanks to everyone for advice. I have to admit a VOR can gather valuable info. I am taking a couple of days, getting my ducks in a row and begin exposure, both families, co-workers, anyone that will listen. Have already talked with attorney(hope the courts are favorable to victims of adultery). It is liberating and empowering to find this out after being in the dark for so long. OM is married (surprise, surprise) with school age children. While I do consider this a victory of sorts, my heart still aches for myself and the others who have been betrayed in this. I just have to be prepared for whatever comes next. I would greatly desire some insight.
Last edited by freshday10; 06/05/10 02:02 AM.
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Well, one step at a time. You are going to need to make that list of people that you will expose to. Does OM have a FB page? If so, you will want to make a copy of his friends list. There are some templates on what to write when you are exposing. Here. This is for the exposure to the workplace. A sample exposure letter, written by Brit's Brat, a MB member and corporate attorney:
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
Regards,
BS Schoolbus wrote this one. You want to say something to your friends and family like:
"I have discovered that my H is having an affair with OW. I want for him to stop his affair because I love him and want our marriage to be restored. Our marriage CAN recover from this affair, and I am prepared to forgive him and work on the problems and issues we have, but we can't until he completely rids our lives of his affair partner. I thought our marriage was a good marriage until the affair began, but I now recognize that we need to do some work on it. Please do what you can to discourage this infidelity - please help me and our children to maintain an intact family. Please don't allow the OW into your home, and please encourage my husband to come home and work on our marriage. We can rebuild our marriage." This is the letter that MelodyLane suggests sending to Facebook friends of the affair partner. Here is a good letter for you to use [modify as you see fit] to send out to OW's facebook friends:
Dear friend of Skankyhola,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence. We have been married for XX years and have 3 children, aged 5,7, and 12. They are heartbroken about their fathers affair.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I am asking that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW These are also exposure targets. 1. employer(if workplace affair or if employer is someone who can put pressure on, ie.Military)
2. AP's spouse(even an EX)
3. OP's facebook friends(write down their friends lit before you start exposing)
4. the OP's parents and family
5. your WS's family
6. any other close family and friends
7. your PASTOR(if you have one)
8. YOUR CHILDREN <----VERY IMPORTANT and to be done age appropriately
9. your parents and family(you need the support)
Employer should be exposed to via LETTER with a cc on it. The cc is important because no one is tempted to deep six the letter. Send the letter certified to Human Resources and cc the President, Vice president and Corporate Lawyer.
CALL the OP's parents, give them the facts and ask them to use their influence to persuade their son/daughter to leave your WS alone. Let them know if this comes to divorce that you will be suing on grounds of adultery and will have the OW called into court to give testimony under oath.
One by one, call the other family members and friends and pastor. Tell them about the affair and ask for their advice.
WATCH OUT: If someone says "ok, I will keep this a secret!!" Tell them nonono!!! Affairs thrive on secrecy so that is the worst thing they can do!
Email the OP's facebook friends using the template letter I gave you.
Then sit down your children and tell them about their parent's adultery and with whom. give them the OP's FULL NAME so they will know who the enemy is. It is SLOW on the weekend. Don't get discouraged.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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FD,
While I do consider this a victory of sorts, my heart still aches for myself and the others who have been betrayed in this.
You may save OMW from getting some horrible STD in the future, so in a sense you are protecting OM kids by protecting their Mother who might be the only sane parent they have. Ignorance is never bliss.
God Bless
Gamma
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