Botany:

First, I want to congradulate you on striking the exposure BLOW and fighting for what is right about your Marriage.

Your WW is upset now, but that's ok. You took away her Candy. You need to be ready for it tonight. If she is coming HOME, then you need to be ready for her to unleash ALL GUNS on you to make you back down, and become compliant again.

She may become the model recovered Former Wayward Wife (FWW).

You may still head off to divorce land.

This choice is up to you. Your WW may decide to stay or not, but right NOW? You control the destiny of this marriage much more than she does.

She THINKS she has the control, but she really doesn't.

It is MUCH more likely that YOU will divorce HER now. She likes the fence-sitting and cake-eating behavior of having a boyfriend, and a husband. You, however, will get fed up with this behavior after a period of time, and remove her from your life. Because THAT is the healthy thing to do.

Don't talk about this discussion board with her. It is your resource for destoying the affair and restoring your marriage. You can buy the books, and talk to her about the new concpts that you have learned from them, but I would keep her away from here. There is a time and place for her to be here. Just ask Sapphire Returns.... Later works better than early...

Great job talking to OM. See how he was trying to keep his GF in the dark? "Let her down easy?" Boy, you blew up his fantasy, didn't you. And, GF may just throw him out. Nothing wrong with throwing a little "he!!" into his life... And to have him say something about making life better for YOUR KIDS? That is a line for the wayward speak Hall of Fame.

LG

You ruined his plans for having TWO women at the same time! He planned on dragging this out until someone found out and put a stop to it. You were the man who did that!

You did good!

Does he have a facebook page? If so, I would expose him there too. Some sample letters:

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Has anyone posted a link to "The carrot and the stick of Plan A?" This must be read to truly understand Plan A.

Botany,

And he would continue to pursue my wife and would do what is right for her and my kids!!! blah blah

There is something really disgusting about old men who should know enough destroying young families. How do you keep from turning off this fellows lights.

God Bless
Gamma

"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who doesn't think about these things... certainly makes me run faster.

Thanks for the links BTW. She is coming to talk tonight and drop the kids off. We are then going out as a family tomorrow, so I'll do my Plan A best.

I do know this, markos, and that is why I asked about his knowledge of Plan A. I also suggested he read the article by Dr Harley. I wanted to know how much of the site he has read for himself.

I have read a lot of it.

So plan A:

No expectations
No demands to have my needs met
No love busters (needy, smothering etc.)
Don't talk about A into the night
Meet her emotional needs
She kept telling me she wanted to be invisible, so she can be.
Create a welcoming environment - home, body language etc.
Enthusiastic agreement about any action
If above true:
- do recreational activities
- undivided attention (15 hours per week)

Boundaries:
- No contact
- Honest about slips
- Attend MC

I would also make OM's life hell for pursuing your WW. I would get as giant a list of exposure targets on his side as I could, and then just nuclear expose him. His parents, siblings, and children, his friends, his work colleagues, everyone should know what a disgusting slimeball this guy is. Chase him off. A little faintly alluded to physical consequence might not be bad either. Let him know he's in for a fight and you aren't going to roll over. Also, engage some psychological warfare as well. Demean him. Give him the phone number of a nursing service he can use instead of your WW if he just wants someone to change his diapers for him as he gets older. Come of as confident that you will win the battle for your WW. When is the last time you had SF with your WW? If it was recently, tell him that she said you were better. Do whatever you can to chase this guy off.

Does that including leaving her job?

If not, this A needs to be exposed to her work.

It has been but I don't think she will leave, and I think going nuclear on OM will not help as she still feels for him and hurting him would not help me.

Botany, your WW cannot work with OM. You know that, right?

I know that. If she doesn't leave is it straight to Plan B or do I give her some Plan A time first.

Trust us. We are the experts. Hurting him would help you because it would make him MORE LIKELY to drop your WW. Make your WW more of a hassle than she's worth. Make the thought of pursuing a woman without an intimidating husband a more appealing choice for OM. From a love bank perspective, going after OM is much less of a love buster than exposure and other means of ending the affair. Besides, if you start making OM's life hell, he's probably going to start complaining and love busting your WW, driving a wedge between them. We know what we are talking about. I know how much exposing to the OM's parents in my situation helped immensely. Even a year after the fact, he tried friending my FWW on facebook, and I outed him to his new girlfriend, just to let him know I am not to be f-ed with.

Give it some more plan A time. Exposure is a big lovebuster, and you normally like to go to plan B after some good memories of plan A, so I would try for at least another month to do a good plan A. At that point, I would look into legal separation and plan B.

Botany, did you read Chrisner's "Assault the ambush" thread that I linked?

Listen to yourself, Botany. Your foggy WW feels for her lover, so you're going to sit on your hands. Does that make any sense at all???

Leaving the job will have to occur for the health of your M. You cannot be expected to live daily with the knowledge that she is in contact with her lover. That is known as death by a thousand cuts. You will be eaten up inside, wondering which day will be the day she comes home and admits to you that she's been in contact, that the A has resumed, that she's been lying to you for X-period of time while you're thinking she's honestly avoiding him at work. This cannot happen, for your mental health. You understand that, right?

You will NOT be hurting your WW's lover by exposing his disgusting ways to the light of scrutiny. You WILL be seriously hampering his ability to continue slinking around with your WW, though. Stop doing him favors, Botany.

Make being with you better.

Make being with OM harder.

Make OM more reluctant to be with her.

Make OM Love Bust till his Love Bank balance drops to zero.

ANYTHING you can do to make the affair less attractive than remaining married to you works to your advantage.

As for your boundaries, be sure you understand that your boundaries are for YOU and relate to what YOU do. Know what to do if they are violated and do not expect them to restrain others from attempting to violate them.

Mark

Botany,

Where'd ya go, Dude?