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GDAR there is a solution for this and I cannot find it right now, Hang in there.

OH, he does not get home until 7:30 and many times later. If it is after hours, he really should call you...even if he is going to stay really late to see these parents.... (and the parent is expecting too much). A simple phone call at least would be polite and show he valued you.

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I hope you can get to the wineries this weekend. I am going out that way to visit a girlfriend but she does not drink wine so we have to find other things to do. Maybe we will go shopping.

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Quote:
I read stuff like this and I think about all the different battles we face in our lives.


Ain't it the truth! lol The things I'm struggling with, some of you would never tolerate: I get teary-eyed over the prospect of him giving me 5 minutes of UA Conversation a night. One or the other of us has a business trip a few times a year. We used to live in separate countries even.

And yet I pretty much know where he is at all times (well, sometimes I may not remember that he has a particular meeting somewhere, but it's usually somewhere in my email). I can think of only one time when he stopped off at a friend's house for a drink after work without telling me, so he was maybe half an hour later than I expected. Sometimes he gets caught at work and is late, but I know when to expect it. Vice versa, yesterday I was at my work with my kids (who are out of school and the summer program hasn't started yet) and I had a ton of people who needed to talk to me and we had two fire alarms and I got caught outside with no cell phone and ppl talking to me, so we were about half an hour late getting home. I called H on the cell as we were leaving, he'd been wondering where we were but there weren't any hurt feelings.

(Yesterday was a scorcher, and we drove through DQ and got Blizzards for everyone, including one for H. So we generally can trust that we will call each other as soon as we can, and we also have a habit of checking with the other person if they want us to pick up anything.)

I *LOVE* this:

Quote:
She's mentioned several times getting a text or a 15 second phone call from her husband: Sorry, honey...I was on my way out, and two upset parents just walked into my office. I will be home as soon as I can. And he does tell the parents that he will be with them in ONE MINUTE; he just has to tell his wife that he'll be delayed.

This does two things: 1) It shows his wife he values her, loves her and thought of her FIRST. and 2) it sends the parents a subtle message that, while he will gladly take the time to address their concerns, he is putting in his own personal time that would otherwise go to his family. In that case, those meetings tend to be brief and to the point. And if it can't be resolved quickly, they set a future date (preferably during regular working hours) for a longer meeting.


If I were the parent in this situation, I would so totally be more appreciative of the Principal's time and would totally try to wrap up the meeting as quickly as possible.

Another thing I notice: You are not supposed to do anything that you will resent. My H is really good about saying no to requests to do something he doesn't want to do. I think I'm pretty good about only doing for him things I want to do, but I sometimes try to get him to do things even if he doesn't want to. I seldom succeed. smile I now know those are SDs. Like Ned said, a Buyer doesn't do things they will resent doing. So I must give kudos to H when he doesn't do that. <Note to Self!>

So for example, this:
Quote:
My DH had Sunday season tickets for the Mets baseball games. I would get stressed about going because I ended up doing all the "prep" work (gathering "Mets" stuff, making lunch, etc.) I told him I would be more keen on going if he did the prep stuff. Then all I had to do was hop in the car in the morning and then I really was more enthused about going. I didn't resent it.


Exactly! If I wasn't a Mets fan, I would never have started doing the prep work. If H wanted to take Mets stuff then he could get it.

It seems to be hard sometimes to remember to not do ANYTHING that you will resent doing. Of course there are things that simply need to be done, dirty jobs that someone has to do. You always have a choice though, in everything but death and taxes. You don't HAVE to do it. If you don't like the consequences of NOT doing it more than you don't like doing it, then you will likely choose to do it. Your choice.

The secret may lie in making this a *conscious* choice. So that if you choose to do it, you are clear with *why* you are choosing that way. And you can change your choice if you want.


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Quote:
even if he is going to stay really late to see these parents.... (and the parent is expecting too much).


Can't agree here, Stella. I would not insist on seeing school administrators after hours unless there were some kind of emergency, but in the event of an emergency? You betcha! And they'd better be reachable and be there for me. My taxes pay their salaries.

Unfortunately, there are parents who will insist on seeing the school administrators after hours about non-emergencies. Doesn't mean they should be blown off...just gently persuaded to revisit the problem during regular working hours. And there are parents who can't make phone calls from work, or don't have the flexibity to reach school officials during working hours. Does the principal blow them off too? Of course not! He/she is a public employee, working on a salary funded by tax dollars. (unless it's a private school, and then the tuition funds the salary)

So, the right answer is that Gdar's husband can *still* put her first, just by asking the parents to wait ONE minute while he calls or texts his wife. My friends deal with this all the time. The wife knows if she gets one of "those" calls/texts, that she'll get a lengthier explanation later; that the purpose of the quick call or text is just to let her know he'll be late. Gdar's husband can, and should, certainly be able to do that!

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Quote:
Does the principal blow them off too? Of course not! He/she is a public employee, working on a salary funded by tax dollars. (unless it's a private school, and then the tuition funds the salary)


As someone who has seen this from both sides, ITA. As a teacher, it is my job to talk to students (and parents of students, depending on the age and needs of the student). The same would go for administrators too. If a parent is coming in to talk to the principal, then it should be taken seriously.

This isn't a sales person who is possibly losing a sale, or a store owner who is inconveniencing a customer. If the customer really wants the item or service, they will return during business hours. That is commonly expected. This is an employee paid by tax dollars or tuition.

As a parent, I would want to know that the school that I entrust my child to, day after day, all day long, takes the needs of my child seriously. I would not like to be "blown off" by the principal if I had taken the time to come talk to him/her. As a working parent, I know it would have been difficult for me to get away from *my* job to come talk to him.

As a parent, though, if the principal excused himself to make a 30 second phone call to his wife, I would definitely try to not take any more of his time than necessary if it were after business hours. I love that idea.

And if the parent did happen to be an "irate parent", that subtle reminder that the principal is a human too with a family and a life outside his job, might even help to calm the waters.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
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In this day of email, there is simply no reason--for me--to drive to the school and demand an audience with the principal, during school or after hours. Plus, there's the paper trail of email correspondence.

I love paper trails when dealing with officials.

Anything said in person can be denied. Anything said in email can be passed on to the Super.

You know how I know when someone is trying to cover their a**? When I send them an email, and they respond by phone.

I know none of this actually helps G. Perhaps a better question would be why is the school principal getting wasted with losers on the weekend? It's one of those jobs where your character really does count...maybe it's time for some incriminating photos? smile


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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One more thing about principals. I believe Gdar mentioned her H was a HS principal. (as is my friend's husband). At that level, it's way more likely that you are going to find yourself dealing with parents (and stickier situations) after hours. At the elementary level, it's not likely that the 4th grader was caught drunker than a skunk on school property, or stealing, or driving under the influence, or cheating, plagerizing (all stuff of which can impact the school day at some point and hence, need to involve administration).

By the time the parents of a high schooler get to the level of needing to deal with the principal, they have most likely already spoken with the teacher(s), content or department heads, guidance and maybe even a few more levels, depending upon the size of the school. By that point, they just want ACTION, and email be da*ned.

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To kind of piggy back on what OurHouse said, a lot of parents seem that face-to-face conference/conversation rather than through email. I tend to get more emails, but most of the questions are dealing with was I noticed you marked my son/daughter absent...were they really not there. Or I get the 'can you tell me why my son/daughter received a negative grade for such and such assignment(s)." But I still get plenty of parents that want that face-to-face conversation. And it seems more so when it comes to principals.

For me, when I want clarification from one of my kiddos' teachers, I usually email that I'd like a phone call at their convenience.

Tell your husband to quit being a principal and become a college professor that teaches administration classes for those wanting to become principals.


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Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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OH SAID:

So, the right answer is that Gdar's husband can *still* put her first, just by asking the parents to wait ONE minute while he calls or texts his wife. My friends deal with this all the time. The wife knows if she gets one of "those" calls/texts, that she'll get a lengthier explanation later; that the purpose of the quick call or text is just to let her know he'll be late. Gdar's husband can, and should, certainly be able to do that!
_________________________


This is exactly what I was saying, OH. If he is unable or cannot set limits on the parents seeing him after hours, even as late as 7PM, then the least he can do is call and let her know...politely. That would be a good START to helping thier marriage.

After all, she is as important as the parents right? (I think she is much more important)

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GDAR, I am sorry I was so ranting on and on the other day. Today I had a nice day with an old high school girlfriend, we blew off steam and went shopping at the factory stores, out to eat twice, to a tea ceremony, drove around and went to see and pet all the cats at the Cat adoption team (500 cats, no kill shelter), went to another shopping place, went to Frye where I bought a new laptop for my birthday gift (from my husband he gave me a gift cert) and bought my friend a little netbook computer too.

We had a blast and I realized I had not had that much fun in so long! All I do is work! I was almost having a breakdown and you recognized it I am sorry. I needed a "day off" to shop and have fun.

I wish my friend did not live 4 hours away, I could see her more often. I have to make more friends that will do fun things with me. I feel much better now and realize how passionate and intense my personality is. Sorry I am so adament about stuff. My old friend told me that is just my personality, that I had a lot of energy and was passionate about things.

Anyway, sorry and I hope you have a lot of fun this weekend too!.

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Stella, thank you very much for your apology. I always appreciate your input, take you at face value and feel that I do an ok job of letting you know if I feel my toes were stepped on... a little too hard. smile I am glad you had a good time with your friend! I understand your feeling like you do not get out with them enough!


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I want to thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful responses this weekend. I really appreciate the help! I LOVE this place sometimes! smile

Weekend was great. The older 2 kids went with their dad for the first time in 3 weeks and the younger 2 were really whiny and demanding and quite a challenge, but H and I were so well connected that we had a fabulous time anyway. smile

H went shopping at my favorite market for weekend groceries and came home with a bunch of their flowers - I LOVE getting their flowers, they are always gorgeous and inexpensive. My house smells divine! He loaded up on my favorite foodie items and made a point to do everything just the way I like it. We had a date night after the kids went to bed downstairs in the media room and did some... connecting. smile

Saturday he DID NOT have his friends over, wahoo! He never actually invited them over officially, so that was a total communication break down. Since he and I never set plans in concrete, he never set them with his friend (which I am happy about because this is how it happens a lot of the time).

My ex H called us Sat morning and asked if he could babysit the younger 2 for us so he and I could get some alone time. We took him up on it! We went to our favorite brewery in town because the sun showed its face briefly, and they have the best outdoor seating in town. smile Then we checked out a new bistro we had been wanting to try. We laughed and smiled and it felt like old times. Since we did not have much time, we did not hit the wineries, but we had as much or more fun doing what we did. We went back to grab the two kiddos and then took them home for bed and had another movie night downstairs. And some more... connecting. smile

Sunday he got up early and put on a big Brisket to Q up on the grill. These take about 8 hours, so we spent the day (enthusiastically) re-arranging furniture, sprucing up the living room and making the house look nice. Together! smile He just went for it, and any polite request I had, he did with a smile and a kiss. Really. This is the H I love and adore! I KNOW HE IS IN THERE! smile

For the first time ever, he addressed me on my FB page with a glowing "having a great time, you are a great wife" sentiment. smile

My mom called this morning and asked if she could come up and sit for us so we could have some more time alone, and although H had a TON of work to do, he said he would love to have more time with me, so he worked really hard in the morning (irate parent sent him 2 scathing emails that she wanted dealt with "this very instant" that he ignored and said he would take care of later. "After all, it IS my day off"! We went to Lowe's and bought a ton of red, white and blue flowers to decorate our front yard/porch/potting containers in celebration of today's holiday (and will continue to bloom past our Independence Day, which we have a giant party for) and then hit a restaurant for some snacks. He is working right now, and has been since after we planted the flowers (and a new Laceleaf Japanese Maple) and I am A-Ok. He put in some great marriage time and my LB is overflowing! smile No LBs, no DJs.

Now, he is upset because he realized that he has to work an after school event or meeting every single day this week, but I can see that is not thrilled, would rather be home with his family and we had so much fun this weekend that I have yet to do my meal plan for the week. So.... I will need YOU, my MB friends, to help get me through it. Lately, with my possible depression, a great weekend can turn into a week from hell by day 3. I do NOT want to go to that dark place this time. I can do it. We can do it!!!


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YAY!

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Originally Posted By: Gdar
Now, he is upset because he realized that he has to work an after school event or meeting every single day this week, but I can see that is not thrilled, would rather be home with his family and we had so much fun this weekend that I have yet to do my meal plan for the week. So.... I will need YOU, my MB friends, to help get me through it. Lately, with my possible depression, a great weekend can turn into a week from hell by day 3. I do NOT want to go to that dark place this time. I can do it. We can do it!!!


Sometimes knowing that they are upset is enough to get you through!
Also, are there some things that he could do when he is at home even if it is late?
Can he make a meal plan?
My DH used to do the grocery shopping at 10pm because it didn't matter what time of day it was done. Also, can he take 5 minutes between meetings to call you? Tell him that that will really help you maintain that feeling you had on the weekend.

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Good suggestions, thank you. What is going to also help me is keeping busy and staying off of here. :)~ My 2 yr old and I spent the morning out and about (though he was super cranky about it), I just made lunch, getting ready to bill pay for the month and make the meal plan. Tomorrow a good friend of mine is coming over with her 2 kids and on Thursday I am visiting with a friend who jusst had a baby and then hitting Costco. I am thankful it is a short week, because H will be working until 9ish every night this week.

I have yet to talk to him today, and I am fine. smile


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This Pacific NW weather is killing me! Wettest May since 1940. Projected 12 more soggy days. In freaking June. Gahhhhhhhhhh - I just want to get outside! My kids and I are going crazy being cooped up! Not to mention, more puppy accidents because she hates the wet grass.

Things going ok. H was expected to work til after 9 last night, but managed to wrap it up early, usher the parents out and get home before 9. He still had scheduling to do once he got home, but it was nice to have him near me. He is really, really, REALLY stressed right now. Our state just had 6 million MORE in budget cuts come down the pipeline 5 days ago. After he had already completely changed the curriculum for this next school year. Now 2 more teachers have to go and back to the drawing board for scheduling. I think it would be easier on him if he only had to schedule the typical classes like the three R's, but he has 10x more offerings than any other school. It is just insane. The stress spilled over to our interaction this morning.

On M, W & Fri, I do not *have* to get up early like he does, as he gets up and in the shower before the kids wake up. Each morning, since he HAS to be up, he takes the puppy out to pee. This morning he slept in about 30 minutes later than usual (at least that is what he said, I was not sure what time it was). He gets up and goes straight into the shower, ignoring the whining puppy for her morning pee. Once she sees him in the shower, she starts going nuts in her crate. I get up, walk to the shower and ask "do you need me to take the puppy outside to pee". He replies "I TOLD you I was running late. You were too comfortable to snuggle up on for me to get out of bed on time". Ok, he did not ask me to take her out, he did not do anything but ignore her and get in the shower. He did not communicate anything to me about it. His way of "telling me" I needed to take her out was by announcing he was running late and that it was MY doing. So I said "what I hear you saying is that you need me to take out the puppy, but you did not actually SAY that. Is that correct"? Reply "I TOLD you I was running late and I was so cozy in bed". Ok, same answer. My reply "so you want me to get up and not be cozy to take the dog out in the rain, when really, I do not NEED to be up right now". This interaction was half joking between us, but this "communication" happens a lot around here.

So I stood out in the rain with the puppy to do her business when really, I just wanted to be in bed. Slightly peeved, but not a battle I am going to pick.

Here is where I take issue. He constantly refers to "natural consequences" to my kids. I used just such a reference with my 12 yr old this morning. She wanted H to take her to school because it was raining outside. He could not because he was running late. She has an umbrella. One that she took to school once and never brought back. Natural consequence of not bringing back the umbrella = standing out for the bus in the rain.

When it comes to choices/decisions HE makes, there is no such thing as natural consequences. Him getting up late (which he put on me because I am too cozy) = natural consequence for ME, not him. I took out the puppy in the rain because he did not get up. Also, many mornings he does not get up on time, he will wake me up and ask me to iron his clothes (forget suggesting he set out clothes the night before - he does that every once in a while, but the habit never sticks). When I tell him I prefer to stay in bed (my mornings are dealing with myself and 4 kids and a puppy, not just myself), he will guilt trip me until I do it for him.

Yes, I suppose I could just always do it for him. I don't want to. I take care of a LOT as it is and I do not feel it is asking too much that he dress himself.

I dunno. I know he is stressed. Give an inch, take a mile - that is how I would describe it when I do things for him.



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I think I need some sunshine!!!


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and here we have another evening close to dinner time and I have not heard from H (though he did call at 10 a.m. about something unrelated). Yesterday evening he went to the grocery store to buy items for a specific meal he said he wanted to try tonight. And I have no idea when he is coming home. Again.


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I really feel sorry for the poor puppy. He was really hurting and trying not to pee in his cage. Your husband's coldness with the puppy makes me question his heart as a human being.

He figures that you care more so you will not be able to resist a crying puppy. I am upset at your selfish and cold husband. How would he like it if he had to "hold it" for a day or two? It is torture.

What is his thing? Does he feel more valuable than you are as a person?.

His priority list appears to be:

1. Himself
2. His work
3. His fun and drinking with friends
4. His kids
5. The dog
6. You
7. Your other kids

Do you feel worthy enough for him? After all he is a principle and all.....how is your self esteem?

When you had the kids and the pup you did not consider his selfishness..did you?

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Maybe you could try something: 'DH, I wanted to talk to you about what happened with the dog this morning. I know it was so nice snuggling in bed this morning. But then you kind of blamed me for you getting up late...and then I think you were resentful that I didn't have to get up and then left the taking out the dog for me. Now I know you are busy these days and can help out with your chores, but I would like you to ask me. Like "Honey, I snuggled too long in your deliciousness and now I am running late. Do you think you could walk the dog this morning?"

Also he may be jealous that you get to "sleep in", but are there things you do that he forgets about? Like do you stay up a little later getting stuff ready for the next day?

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