From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Yes, exposure works...
I know this might not seem very uplifting, but I was peeking at some pics of my H taken during a rowing turnament ( I am in plan b and should not have done that...) however, even if OW was there..there was not one pic of him and her together. Not one. These pic went both on facebook and on the rowing place website.
That tells me he does not want her in the picture as he does not want his siblins, my son or collegues to see him with her. I might be wrong but that is my guess. If I had not exposed she would have been the newfound love he hooked up with after the separation.

Now tell me, if they are really in love with OW, why keep her "out of the picture?"
How would you feel if you were OW?
I would feel like the wh@re she is...
blessing

A large concern of mine is my children. I would like to find a way through this without them having to know about it. It seems from what people here say, that it is an impossibility.

The relationship between my kids and their mother is very important. I don't want them to hold any hatred toward her.

My father cheated on my mother. I know the hatred from the side of a child. It started 30 years ago when I found out and continues now 3 years after he died.

If at all possible, I want to avoid putting my kids through that.

I know divorce is also not good for the kids. That too took a toll on me as a child. I am starting to wonder though, if two seperated parents that can work together with love and committment to their children is better than getting to a point where we hate each other and can no longer raise them amicably.

It is not a good idea to lie to kids and give them false explanations of the tension in their family. That just teaches them dishonesty. Kids can deal with the truth; they can't deal with lies.

Whitewashing your wife's bad behavior does not make your children secure or happy, it just gives them a false impression of their mother. And it certainly does not help your wife to help her whitewash her descicable behavior. If you don't tell them the truth, your wife will tell them lies; count on it.

Telling them the truth and giving them moral guidance protects them and prepares for them the outcome.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

here

You are right about divorce, it is horrendous for children. They are never the same. The best solution is to save the marriage and that is what we are trying to help you with. I know there are "amicable" separations on the A&E chick channel, but that is not real life. In real life, less than 16% of splits are "amicable."

And certainly not in the case of adultery. In adultery cases, it becomes a health issue for the betrayed spouse to be exposed to the WS while she carries on her affair. That is mentally and physically dangerous to the recipient, which is why many psychologist recommend a complete end to contact between the spouses

Most waywards hope for such a solution so they don't have to face any unpleasant consequences for abusing you. It makes it much easier for them to move on and abandon their marriages and their children for their adultery.

Would you be ok staying in contact with your WW in a separation while she replaces you with a new "daddy?" As long as you are ok with that and can be "amicable" I think you should go for it!

p.s. do you have any girl children? I only ask because the risk of child molestation and abuse goes way up when a single mother begins introducing new MEN to the children. If so, is she tough?

Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change

_Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

_Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. here

I do have two daughters, and although my concerns are not of that nature neccisarily, it is on my mind.

You are teaching them that it is okay for Mommy to have boyfriends. Not only is it okay, you'll help her hide her secret. Not only will you help her hide her secret, you'll allow your family to fall apart so her boyfriend can be a part-time Daddy to your girls. Which, of course by definition, willl make YOU a part-time Daddy, as well.

Your call.

Unfortunately, with divorce does come the loss of time with your children. It is not something I am looking for. I am trying to find what's best for them.

In my case, there is very little tension in the house. Our kids have not seen any fighting or disagreements. There hasn't been any. We have had very calm discussions.


At this point I am finding it difficult to expose this to them. I know it doesn't go along with MB plan, but it is something I am struggling to do.

mckl - you are trying to convince yourself that your kids have no idea anything is wrong between Mommy and Daddy, so therefore you can escape the discomfort of telling the kids the truth.

You couldn't be more wrong. They know SOMETHING isn't right, and if you don't explain it to them they will draw their own conclusions.

Which may well include blaming themselves.

And learning that if something is wrong, you don't face it head on and deal with it. No, you stuff it down and ignore it and pretend everything is fine.

And learning that their own perceptions are wrong, because they can sense something in the house is terribly off but you and Mommy are telling them they're wrong and everything is fine.


Please read this again about 50 times.

And please have enough respect for your children to give them the truth. They can handle the truth. They cannot handle lies. They cannot handle cold frightened silence in place of the truth.

mkl, that is why we are telling you to expose the affair to your children. Divorce is LESS LIKELY if you do. Your plan is the most likely to result in divorce. Keep in mind that most of us who are telling you this have saved our marriages.

Dr Harley has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics.

If you don't tell them the truth, your wife will tell them lies as this affair progresses. And it will progress since you are doing nothing to stop it. They may be introduced to her lover if they haven't already.

There is absolutely no valid reason not to tell them except to whitewash the crimes of your wife and give them false perceptions of their mother. That is not in their best interest, your W's best interest or your best interest.

I say this a friend, mckl. Your marriage will not make it if conflict avoidance continues to be your guide. Those of us who saved our marriages stood up against the affair and did what it took. We didn't avoid doing things that were "uncomfortable." Everything was uncomfortable. But we did it anyway.

There are no guarantees, but your marriage is probably guaranteed to fail if you don't stand up to this affair.

Look at this logically for a minute. What is your goal for your life? What is your goal for your daughters? How can you achieve those goals? Will they be achieved by having a "happy divorce", shuttling them between you on the weekends and then back to your "amicable" xW and her lover? Really?? Is this your goal for yourself and your daughters? Teaching them that this is how Life should be?

Life is not always what you want. It's making the best of what you have. Until 5 months ago, life was good. Now it is a spiralling landslide.

I know the best thing for my girls is to have 2 happy parents who love each other.

I hope my ego won't keep me from doing what's best for them. I know in my heart that I am trying.

One thing I've learned is that we cannot 'protect' people from the consequences of our actions. To do so to a child ill equips them for the realities of life in which consequences naturally follow - positive or negative- from EVERY action. To so 'protect' an adult is profoundly disrespectful and at the heart of enabling, it fosters entitlement and reduces your wife to less than a child.

Negative consequences proceed from bad actions as a rule. To shelter your wife from the consequences of her actions does absolutely NOTHING good, for your children, for you, or for her.

She has been fully aware of her actions. Your children without a doubt understand that there is something wrong going on in their lives, but they don't know what it is. Left to themselves, they will try to figure it out. The answers they find may leave them confused, disturbed, taking wrongful blame for things that aren't their fault, and/or give them a skewed sense of morality and decency. They absolutely MUST know what their mother is doing. So that they can protect THEMSELVES from it if they so chose. If the result is their disdain for their mother, that is a CONSEQUENCE of her adultery that she will have to bear. You cannot change that, and in fact have to right to do that. We can chose our actions but we cannot chose the consequences of those actions. That route only leads to frustration and unhappiness.

I understand your wanting to spare your children the pain you felt upon knowing of your father's adultery. I wish I never knew of my mothers. However, it is not my father's fault I now harbor so many ill feelings for my mother. It is my mother's fault. She is the one that damaged my relationship with her, not my father. However, you cannot avoid having your children feel that - your wife has already thrust that upon them. Whether they find out now, or 10 years from now, the fact is the actions have already happened. She has already damaged her relationship with them. To keep them in the dark is to give tacit approval for her behavior at best, at worst makes you a co-conspiritor of her web of lies and deceit at the expense of your children.



Well those thoughts on your mind better become concerns RIGHT QUICK! Because that IS what they will be facing if you don't expose. Exposure is your best chance of repairing your marriage and giving your children those 2 happy parents who love each other. IT IS THE BEST TOOL IN YOUR ARSENAL.

To not expose, is to leave the chainsaw in the garage and begin chopping down a tree with a toothbrush. Yeah, guess how far that will get you?

If your marriage ends after exposure, at least you did everything in your power to save your marriage. You can look your daughters in the eyes and tell them that.

Your ego IS keeping you from doing what is best for them. Your ego is going to lead to separation, divorce and could lead to OM after OM waltzing into your daughters lives and possibly into their bedrooms. All because you were too ashamed to tell the world of your wife's despicable actions. You are leaving them open to that, with your failure to expose.

If you call not telling your kids that mom has boy friend then your not doing anything.

You are trying to make the best out of what has been dumped on you. We are telling you to start shoveling.

Don't just sit there and sigh and say, "Well, this is what I got and there's just nothing I can do about it."

There's a hell of a lot you can do, but you are refusing because shoveling is hard work and your hands will get dirty.

But I am telling you - we are all telling you - that if you do not start being honest with your children so that you can protect them from their mother's actions, you are going to regret it deeply in the future.

Even if you do not recover your marriage, your kids will know that you did all you could to protect them and fight for your family.

Right now, all the kids know is that Daddy is sitting meekly on his hands while Mommy drags a new man into their lives, so it must be okay for her to do that and they'd better just accept it.

After all, that's what Daddy is doing.

Well. Doesn't that sound all noble. Get over yourself, mckl. Are you trying to tell us that you will allow your two DDs to have a new daddy??? Get over that warm fuzzy crap "Life is not always want you want." Are you kidding me?? Y

mckl, you can save your M. Why are you being such a sissy? Why are you not standing up and being a man? Is it too hard? Why are you not reclaiming what is yours?? Do you want to teach your DDs that this is how a man is?? How disgusting, to teach them that women don't need to have commitments, that they can whore themselves and it's okay. Ick, mckl.

mckl,
Awareness. Are you aware of what is going on in your life?
Ok, this is what is happening.

Your wife is cheating on you.

This is the truth. You do not have to put any spin to it. You just have to look at the facts as they are. And state them to the people you care about because you do not want to live a lie.
Why would you lie by covering up the FACT that "mommy has a boyfriend". You do not even have to add anything to that. Your kids will know that it is not right for mom to have a boyfriend while she is married to dad..
It is really that simple. And if they ask questions, you answer without judgement, just by stating the facts: married people should be faithful to eachother and not sleep with other people. If they do, then the marriage is broken. But it can be fixed if mommy and daddy can be together again and love eachother without the boyfriend being in the picture.
These are facts. These are not curel things. It is the truth.
You will feel a lot better once the truth is out.
Then you are fre. Now you are a slave to your WW choices. you are not in your power. you are ginving her the power to destroy your family. And she will.
I was like you, fearful to hurt my son. Had I exposed as soon as I suspected something was up...right now I would have probably saved my M.
Tell the truth.
blessing

Grow a set, mckl. Or look in your WW's purse - you'll find them there.

I thank everyone for their advice. However, alot of things you say are just ridiculous. you may be thinking your helping by telling me to get a set, but it's just stupid.

If you think I don't know my wife is cheating. Again, a ridiculous comment.


To call me a sissy and tell me to be a man. moronic!

I know our situations are the same, but people handle things differently. I look in multiple places for advice, but here all I get is a sales pitch for "the only way to do it".

I am really glad that you are here for all the people that need it. Including me. Believe it or not, I have taken the advice from this site very seriously.

I hope this site continues to help people. I will continue to read the information on it and learn more.

I will however say goodbye to the forum, because your "tough love" is not what I need.

Call me a whimp, sissy, less than a man. It doesn't matter. I will know in the end that I am going to try to do what I believe is right for my family. Which ever way I go about it.

Good luck to all in your personal situations. I hope it turns out in your favor