I have been married for 13+ years. I just found out about a physical affair she had last summer, possible multi. We have been going to counseling for 4mths about a text/pict affair she had in 2008; that i found out in Nov '09. We seperated for a week and she slept with this guy again. I don't know how many other men she has been with. I was getting past the text issue when i found out about this other affair. I want to try to salvage what is left, but the hiding/lies continue. She won't be honest, she won't confront the issue, and she won't talk about anything.

I feel there needs to be full dicloser on the whole ordeal in order for me to heal. EVERYTHING, minus the gorey details. my mind fills those in and it makes me sick. Is this normal?

It is hard for me to think about sex with her, for now still hurting inside, knowing that another has been in her. Is this normal and how do I get past that?

I have never felt such pain and suffering. This is normal from what I have read. I just need some help through this. I am prepared either way, but it hurts. Can anyone that has survived their wifes infidelity HELP?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Please, click on the above link.
It contains links to basic MB adultery survival.

Sorry you need to be here.
But welcome.

Hello bh, welcome to MB. So very sorry that you find yourself here.

But here is where you can find information, learn about infidelity, and figure out what you are doing.

I am a BW (betrayed wife), so I am on the same end as you.

The first thing you need to do is start reading through much of the material here on the website.
Second, is get the book surviving an affair and start reading it.
The next thing is you need to start gathering information regarding your wife's A (affair) and begin exposing this information to OM W (other man's wife) if he is married and to friends and family. - There are threads on here that explain what and how to do this.
Do not tell your wife about this website, this is going to be your place for information for now.
Many of the veterans will come in and be able to give you great advice. I am still to new into this to be able to direct anyone or give great advice.

Again I am so sorry you find yourself here, this is a painful, painful situation.

You will find information, comfort and support here.

God Bless

I have read everything on the site possible, have bought two of Dr. Harley's books, Just not surviving an affair yet. I go to book stores and read, library, just about anywhere. She knows about this site because we talked about it in session. She checks the home email and it has my ID and Password on it. She could sign in as me if she wanted.

She has lived such a secret/hidden life for so long, she has friends that i have never met. She would "go out with the girl" or tell me she is going to her sisters to talk, when she would be there for 5 minutes and leave; so if I asked she could say she was there.

I am just so frustated, confused, and all other emotions that are going on. I will take any support/advice given.

You really need to read that link.


You will get more help if you follow Scotland's advice:

There are some important questions that we need answered before we can help you.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?

Do you have any children? How old are they?

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

How did your WS meet their AP?

How long did the A last?

How did you find out about the A?

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?

How old are you? 38

How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? 35

Do you have any children? A son

How old? 10

How long have you been married? 13+

Is this the first marriage for both of you? YES, with premarital sessions

How did your WS meet their AP? Her friend liked the guy, so she stated talking to him for her. They are no longer friends, Imagine that...

How long did the A last? Guessing 6mths, purely a guess

How did you find out about the A? The first affair through texting/picture by chance on an old cell phone, the physical affair, she had told her sister about it. She stayed out all night and didn't call, text, ot let me know. her sister and i were talking and she said she couldn't keep it secret anymore. My wife told everyone i didn't want help/try to fix our marriage, when i was the onw who set up counselling and have been reading.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Not yet, but will. Have you read it? first chapter on site.

Can anyone help me?

How does a BH look at his spouse the same again?

So many people say "walk away, how can you be with someone like that, Once a cheater/always a cheater". Can she recover from what happened? (the urge to cheat, is she emotionally attached to him or was it a fling?)

I feel as if I am the one working at this. What should I expect from her? Someone help....

I have read a lot of threads about exposing the WS. What type of exposure are you guys talking about? Tell everyone she know, just her, etc.

Side note, how do I change the emoticon? I am not the happy right now.

Is there NC?

Was a NC letter sent?

Good that she is NC toxic friend. What F encourages a MW to be friends with a guy?

Do you live close to OM?

Does WW work with OM?

Will WW answer questions about the A?

As to what other's think, who cares. It's what you think. What you want.

Has WW been transparent, cell, passwords, lets you know where she is at all times?

What do all of the accronyms mean? NC, so forth...
I don't know the other guy...she doesn't work with him...he lives about 10 miles away...she doesn't want to talk about the affair with me; only with our counselor...if she were more transparent she would be a window, sleeps with phone under pillow, secret password and blocks, vague as to where she goes, she has about 5-6 different emails, lives on facebook, and so on

Burrhead,
You need to start with the links below. Learn Plan A/B and follow the carrot & stick plan. You will feel better knowing you have a plan to follow. You will be going through many phases and the support here can help you get through those phases. Considering your WW's action, it is going to be an uphill challenge for you. You have to decide how much you can take. It can take two years or more to recover a marriage.

Carrot & Stick
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296499#Post2296499

Plan A&B
Plan A & Plan B

Spying
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1572288

Affair Exposure 101
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164#Post407164

I've read this and your other comments in your thread.

Your signature suggests that you're currently separated from your WW? Is this correct? If so, who currently has custody of your son?

Your description of your WW's behaviour suggests not just a simple A, but an ongoing pattern of secrecy, dishonesty and deception on her part. I strongly suggest that, if you haven't done so already, you take steps to protect your finances, your identity (including online, like here), your assets and your son from your WW.

I have my son and the house. She is living with a couple (H/W) friend of ours, who we have known for years. They said they are just helping a friend in need. She always has a story for anything I discover(finances, insurance, etc). She has always had my crdt crd 3's. I lost a company card because she went 2K in debt that I didn't know about. I rarely got the mail due to my work hours.

We are currently seperated. She has started t take my son and herself back to church. I go to a different church than they do.

she says she can't talk to me about anything. She says I have a temper and get loud, I just get upset and frustrated because I always figure out the issues after the fact.

burrhead, sorry you are here. The first thing I would do is cut off all her credit cards and take her name off any accounts. She has moved out so she can have affairs and you should not finance that.

I would file for separation/divorce only to get legal protection from her. You want to keep possession of your home and primary custody of your son. If you don't do this, your W can come home and have you booted out while she replaces you with her lovers. Your wife is extremely destructive to you and your son and it is your job to get protection.

Counseling will avail you absolutely nothing while she is having affairs.

After you cut off her money and get legal protection in place, I would make her an offer. Go to her and tell her you would be willing to give her an opportunity to EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS and reconcile if she does certain things. Those things would be:

1. complete and total honesty about her past - followed by a successful polygraph test - complete names of adultery partners

2. complete transparency, cell phone passwords, access to her cellphone at all times. No more online time unless together

3. NO leisure time apart EVER.

4. no opposite sex friends or single female friends

Tell her, this is what it will take to interest me. If she doesn't do those things, you are NOT SAFE WITH HER and are better off moving on.

You need to RAISE THE BAR, friend. You have lowered the bar SO LOW that she is simply living down to your expectations.

And lastly, you should tell everyone in your family about her affairs. Tell everyone the truth, ESPECIALLY YOUR SON, that your wife is a serial cheater who has moved out so it will be easier to conduct her affairs.

If you don't tell your son the truth, she will tell him lies. She has probably already introduced him to some of her lovers and he very confused about that.

Good!



You need to take steps to protect your finances IMMEDIATELY. As in cancel all joint cards, Remove 50% (or more) from all joint accounts, etc. And talk to a lawyer about how you can further protect yourself and your son.

The others here are talking to you about recovering your M, which is fine if that's what you really want to do. However, IMO your WW has to seriously change if any such recovery is to be successful, and her behaviour as you've outlined here suggests that's likely not going to happen. It's my feeling therefore that you should take immediate steps to protect yourself and your son, before any discussion about recovery can take place.

Is that couple aware of your WW's infidelity? If not, that W she's sharing a home with is likely going to be very upset that an active adulteress is sharing the same home with her H, and you participated in that happening by not disclosing the truth to her.

BTW, have you changed your e-mail and other internet passwords yet?

Given her secretive behaviour, your WW is likely spying on YOU. You should take steps to prevent that from happening, otherwise she will know in advance any step you're likely to try.

Her independent behavior triggers your angry outbursts. It is no excuse for an angry outburst, but she is triggering this. TELL her this.

After I found out about the first indiscretion and snooped the cookies and history, she got a laptop eventually from work. She would leave it out and I would find all the sites she had been going to and looking at her facebook. Neither HER FB site or myspace ever list her as married. When she started her myspace she listed herself as "in relationship". I got upset about it thinking something was going on and she said that she didn't realize it was like that. So she deleted her marital status, meaning she didn't change it to MARRIED.

She says she has told her vast support group of friends about what she did, but did she tell them the truth? I don't think she knows anymore what the truth is. IMO.

I assure you that they have been told whopping lies about what a horrible husband you are. They have probably been told you are "abusive."

Your wife is very, very wayward and part of the reason she is so abusive to you is because YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES.

BH

You weigh the value of your M against the cost of not being M to your W. This is something you will have to decide.

23 years ago to this month I as a way ward H was asked by my W to rejoin our M. Before I did I lived TOTALLY ALONE in an apartment for three months and showed her that the A was done. We were already separated and the apt was close by and she had access any time she wanted.

EP's=Extrodinary Precautions by me were put in place because I wanted my M and family.

Those EP's are still in place today

No drinking or drugs
Never totally alone with the opposite sex
No text FBook online chat rooms etc. with females and if there is some type of communication I let my W know immediately

There are more. With the right type of EP's the statement above becomes Bull Sheet.

My W is currently WW with the undelying problem being alcohol. We both have had A's and the question becomes not how can I look at them the same but are they placing EP into this M relationship.

I palced No A and no alochol+working a program of recovery as part of the boudery to even have contact again. You will have to decide what direction to go in your relationship. What do you need to continue. Then stick to it.

I will never look at my W the same and she will never look at me the same either. Dr. Harley makes it very clear we are all wired to have an A under the right circumstances.

I was fortunate to place some EP's in place a long time before I knew about MB's. After being here a few years more have been added and LB's= love busters have gone way down.

Don't worry about what other people say. Decide what direction BH wants to go.

You are very new here and I would suggest to you to that you read and post all that you can. This is a learning process not only about your W A's but how to have a better M.. That takes time. There is a lot going on in yur current situation and it will take some time to sort out.

Nesre

I have talked to an attorney. We discussed a no contest, since she said she doesn't want our son to have to change schools and that I can have the house.

I would set boundies, and she would agree to them. Then she would do what she wants. Stating that I was putting her in a box. Are my friends correct in saying MOVE ON?

She wrote my letters stating she was confused/midlife crisis, not doing anything to hurt our marriage, she loved me, and so forth. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I suppose.