{{{{{{Hope}}}}}}

That last comment about your son really got to me. My son has said similar things. Your H's sister is a twit by the way. I think Mel's suggested letter to her is spot on.

I told him that children can be cruel sometimes and that he should not hang out with these students that treat him this way. I told him that 5th and 6th grade are so hard , but that it will get better. He's such a goodlooking kid, I don't know why he gets picked on so much.

He's very sensative though...like his mama.

I think my son's reactions to things fuel the other kids....everyone loves to get a reaction. My son provides that for them. I've told him to ignore, ignore, but he can't. My other two sons don't get picked on as much because nothing bothers them...or so it seems.

I've been reading more of Dr. Harley's book, "How to Survive and Affair". It seems to me that the situation in the book is so different than mine. My husband denies everything and I'm assuming that it has ended or it's further underground.

He's deeply depressed right now and of course my children are seeing and hearing all the conflict...no matter how hard I try to conceal. Was it bad for my daughter to hear about the SIL's comments? Then, to contact her father....which he thought I was directing her in this.

I'm confused about whether I'm hurting them by sharing all this. Will they blame me one day about making their father leave our home? My husband told my DS11 on the day he left, "Women always blame everything on an affair." This is what made my son doubt the existence of the affair.

I think my children doubt the affair because it's not going on in front of them right now. They just hear the evidence, but no proof of father living with other woman. They visit him at the camper and to them it appears he is living there...I'm guessing he does.

He doesn't want to return either because he is still in the affair or because he is really done. I guess plan B is still essential for me because I am going through my own withdrawals. I wonder if he is hating his actions or still only hating me. He is so set on blaming me for all of this.

I understand. My son is very sensitive also. I finally convinced him to stand up to a particular bully recently and he did, successfully. I don't know who was happier, him or me.

hope, you did not make your husband leave. You gave him the path back. He rejected it. Your children should be told the truth about that. Their father is trying his best to spin the truth and paint himself as a victim. They need you to be the grounded one. Simply tell them that you want your father back. All he has to to end his affair and pass a polygraph.

That is all you have to tell your children. Then don't mention it anymore unless they ask questions. Explain to them that their dad is very foggy becuase this is how people act when they are doing wrong. When people are behaving badly it is much easier to deny it and blame it on others.


Your daughter should know that her aunt is actively involved in covering up her dad's affair and is an enemy to her family. It is unfortunate that this is being done to her family, hope. But it would make it more unfortunate if she didn't know who the foxes in the henhouse are.

She has every right to confront her dad about his stinky, affair supporting aunt and her horrendous, cruel behavior against your family.

Please stop doubting yourself, hope. You are scaring hope again. This is some ugly business and there will be ugliness.

When my husband thought I was texting him from DD's phone, he made comments such as, "I'm completely miserable so you've reached your goal and now you can sit back and bask in the glory."

He's miserable, but not enough to come home. He hates me for the exposure and because of it, he won't want to reconcile. He still will have another 4 days of staring OW in the face...so I guess it could be forever before he goes through withdrawals. I feel stupid for actually hoping for reconciliation, but somehow I find myself praying for just that. It's funny, but the things SIL was saying to me and my mom are all the things I have heard over the years from my WS.

Oh, another thing that SIL said to me, she said, "How would you like it if I emailed everyone about your relationship with boyfriend before you married and contracting herpes?"

This is how they both think about the exposure. They see it as retaliation only and since I exposed that, then they should expose this. Something that happened to me when I was 18 yrs old and I chose to make a dumb choice with who I was dating. I asked her how that choice is hurting my family?

It did hurt at the time...myself, my mom and dad because of my choices, but that was over 22 years ago. My husband knew all about this as I told him when we started to date. I didn't want any secrets. Anyway, I just remembered that from our phone conversation.

hope, do you see why it is such a good idea to not be in contact with your H right now? He is fogged out and full of blame and rationalizations. The same with his lunatic sister. They just drag you back into the muck with their insanity.

I know this was unexpected tonight and you didn't see it coming, but I would focus on an even tighter plan B to prevent any such crazy contact coming through again. Especially looking at your daughter's texts.

As far as what the future holds, you must do the footwork and leave the outcome to God. This is in his hands, hope. You cannot predict the future. But you can control your surroundings and your homelife. You can do your best to insulate yourself and your kids from this sick, insanity that has poisoned your lives. That is something you can control to some degree.

she is messed up, isn't she, hope?

The bad thing about this sister is if your husband ever wakes up from his fog, he will remember what she did to him. She threw him under the bus in his time of greatest need by enabling him.

She could have helped him but she doesn't love him - it was much easier to hand a shotgun to her suicidal brother and help him destroy himself.

We have so many waywards that woke up and they do not remember their betrayers fondly. They remember who threw them under the bus. She better hope to God he never wakes up. Especially after what she did to his family. manohman...

Hope, it is GREAT to pray for reconciliation since that's what you want. Here are a few other things that I prayed for early in Plan B. I forgot about these things until just this morning. I am praying for them again. I pray for soldiers to help in the fight against the affair. I pray for angels to come into WH and POSOW's lives and show them the true path(they will have to pick it of course). I pray for God to show WH the way. I pray for God to show POSOW the right way(of course, when I am praying, I use her actual name not POSOW). It feels weird at first to pray for POSOW. I just look at it as another tool. I really do want her to remember her true path and not this path of destruction that she is currently on. It really wouldn't matter to me which one of them realized that it was wrong, just as long as one of them stopped this madness.

(((((HopeE kiddos)))))

I agree with Scotty! This was one of the things I used to pray when my DH was wayward, that God would people in front of him that would influence him in the right way. After DH came home he told me that once while he was sitting in a bar drinking, someone he didn't even know came up to him and said, "I just felt like I needed to tell you that God's not finished with you." My DH was stunned! DH said that he felt like God was chasing him the whole time he was gone and he was just miserable, I just smiled. Today, he's a minister and our marriage is completely restored.

Oh, and while he was wayward (x2) he told me over and over again that he had NEVER loved me and our marriage of 25 years was all wrong from the beginning. He said other horrible things to me that today he regrets ever saying. He STILL tells me (6 yrs later) that he wishes he had never hurt me and that he could take it all back.

Don't give up HopeE. MB is a path for you and a good one. God will lead you down that path if you let Him.

I needed to hear these things. I do feel hopeful sometimes. I wasn't glad that he's miserable, but I was hoping and praying that he'll realize his wrong and come back. I'm wondering what was going on that made him so depressed yesterday because this started long before SIL called.

I do keep praying, but then I think about all the work that will be ahead and whether or not we could get pass it.

I think the biggest difference between my marriage and others on here is that our marriage really has not been good for a long time. We walked around in silent misery with neither of us meeting the other person's needs.

Your marriage is not different, hope. Your experience describes the majority.

This is the kind of stuff your H needs to hear. Hearing your daughter complain about her aunt's despicable behavior puts pressure on his affair. The more he has to defend himself the sooner he will wake up.

Bravo to your DD!

it just seems that most of the other waywards at least tried to stay around for awhile. I really do think that my husband was planning his way out by the end of the summer. I guess he thought that there was a delicate way out of this.

I wouldn't be surprised if both WS and OW end up still teaching at that same school together.

I think he was hoping to keep you BOTH in tow but you put an end to that. Remember, you asked him to leave unless he would meet certain conditions and he said no. He didn't leave until he saw you were serious. But you ruined his plan. Either way, it makes no difference whatsoever to the outcome.

You're right. I'm going to see brother this weekend...maybe we can meet up. I'm thinking on leaving after school on Friday and then coming back on Sunday. My H will have all four children this coming weekend.

H_E,

You did a good Plan A before he left. You showed him things can be different. You met his needs for that period of time.

If your H wanted a way out, he would have just left, filed a divorce. He had that choice. But he lingered and waited, and I believe he would have continued to do so. Thus, he was cake eating. You were still meeting some of his needs, though you may not realize it.

Accept the uncertain, whatever may happen will happen. You are a strong enough person to face it. You have been very brave so far. Now, what are you going to do for YOU today? And your children?