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#2380012 05/26/10 07:10 PM
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Im not really new at this my threads I couldn't keep them in place I wasn't sure if I just hit reply everytime or what to start a new topic. So I'm startin over here it goes.

My husband had sex with my sister up to 5 times she lived in the home with us. When I first found out a family member told me So I called home one day while they was both here and told them I knew it was true and of course flipted out a little. Well they tried to tell me it was only once of course I believed him or at least wanted to which I did for about a month when I thought we was getting some where working on our marriage, but one day I called my sister and said he told me it was more than once why couldn't you be honest and she admited it was true and that's how I found out it was more than once.

So since then I have ready Surviving an Affair and his needs and her needs. I have learned alot especially how I wasn't meeting needs and he wasn't meeting needs and so on.

Since I've found out about the affair he has told me where it happened, when it happend (while I was at work), and how he felt emotionally. He answer's all the questions I ask either up to his ability or all he want's to not sure yet, It does feel like the truth.

He told me he didn't love her that they did talk alittle about tv, about us sometimes, he said nothing really big but small things (well in his mind maybe). He did tell me he was attracted to her that he thought she was pretty, and he liked playing around with her, see they was running threw the house and throwing water on each other and next thing you know they are doing the business also a couple of times they was sitting around and she came on to him. She doesn't want to answer any of my questions.

So he says he want's to work on our marriage, he's been attentave to my needs, askes me how I feel, says we don't have to have sex it's when ever I'm ready, he's picking up around the house which he never did befor, I think he's really sorry but I just don't know how to feel, I feel numb and dead sometimes. Just any pointers will do.


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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First Welcome to Marriagebuilders....I am sorry you are going through all this. So your sister does not live with you anymore, does she live close by? Did she move out because of this coming out? This is a difficult situation, have you thought about counseling with Dr. Harley?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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What was your old log in name? I feel like I remember you but I can't place the name. This may help us know what you have already been advised. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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JenJan Offline OP
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My old log in was jearnshaw.

Also no she doesn't live close by.

could any one tell me do I keep hitting reply to keep my thread going?

We did go to counseling we just finished our 6wk session. It was very helpful it was with our pastor. We completed all of the questionaires in Dr. Harley's books. We have been working on our communication right now and affection those seem to be both of our problems...Not giving enough..

He has taken full blame even said it all his fault not her's, HE tell's me it wasn't my fault then turns around and says I didn't give him attention, any affection, or sex or heck any thing.

At the time no I wasn't. I will take part of the blame as far as that goes but I'm not taking any of the blame for the reason he had an affair that was his choice...

He say's he will do what ever it takes..

Does any one have any extra advice the only problem I seem to have now is the triggers and I've been working on those trying to think of something good but when we go to bed and start to make love it's really hard to block them out and sometimes I can't go threw with it. He says he understands that it's his fault I feel that way. I told him I read all he has to do is keep depositing love into my bank and we just might make it, that we have to both want to.

I take any suggestions.


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

Joined: Oct 2009
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You should keep a copy of your thread address somewhere wo you can easily find it and keep posting to it.

I thought it was jeanshaw. Welcome back. I am certain there are others who will be able to help you in the recovery stuff.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Today was a great day. He came to work and took me to lunch, I was alittle worried he wouldn't show because he fell asleep so I didn't let myself get so excited. But it was nice. I feel excited here and there but not to much. Is this a start a beginning of my feeling comming back? Am I going to be ok?


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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Yesterday started off just horrible.

I told him I think it lasted longer than what he says and that I don't believe a word he says. That if he didn't care if I found out at the time or about my feelings how can I be so sure of them now? It just hurt so bad yesterday and I couldn't hold it in.

Ugh did I just undo all the hard work that we have both put into this marriage? I just did a love buster no no.


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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Originally Posted by JenJan
Yesterday started off just horrible.

I told him I think it lasted longer than what he says and that I don't believe a word he says. That if he didn't care if I found out at the time or about my feelings how can I be so sure of them now? It just hurt so bad yesterday and I couldn't hold it in.

Ugh did I just undo all the hard work that we have both put into this marriage? I just did a love buster no no.

Go easy on yourself.
You've experienced REAL trauma.
One LB does not ruin recovery.

You are encouraged to speak your truth.
By that I mean, your honest feelings.
It's all in the delivery, ya know?

Yelling: "I CANT TRUST YOU" is a big fat love buster.
Saying: "I don't trust you", is not a love buster.

See the difference?



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So I was outside cleaning the porch with the water hose and he's trying to clean his muddy pants and at that point I had the water hose and I sprayed him. He got mad went into the house that really peed me off. Because he said before the affair started him and her would run around the house throwing water on each other, she even woke him up sometimes throwing water on him.

I told him it wasn't to cold when they was playing heck it was cold enought to get you all hot.

Really what is the difference from me doing it?

Wow talk about hurting someone's ego and I was actually trying to have fun I wasn't doing it out of meaness or anything.


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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Possible: they hose play made him trigger about the OW.

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So I asked him is that something I can't do with you. He said the water was cold but when he came back in he seen his show was on and just didn't come back outside that he wasn't mad or anything like that.

But I wonder if your right?

I've been reading alot about replacing the triggers and I thought this would have been a good one to replace but it backfired...


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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Fighting my memories and I think I'm doing ok...


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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Were on Vacation right now and I'm trying not to think of his affair which started before vacation and stopped a week or so before we left for vacation last year.

I guess I know why my vacation was so crappy last year....

But we are trying we are paying attention to each other that seems to be one of our needs next to sex. I never realized how much I didn't listen to him befor I hope he feels the same way.

Last edited by JenJan; 06/05/10 09:17 AM.

Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 25
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Well I just cant seem to stop thinking back to all of the signs I seen and ignored I could have stopped it so many times and it's driving me crazy...

I feel so stupid.


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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Originally Posted by JenJan
Well I just cant seem to stop thinking back to all of the signs I seen and ignored I could have stopped it so many times and it's driving me crazy...

I feel so stupid.

Don't feel stupid about trusting your H and your S. Most BSs are guilty of trusting our spouse too much.

But now you know - you can't trust either of them. AND you and your WH can have NO CONTACT with your S if you want to repair your M. You know that, right?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Quote
Well I just cant seem to stop thinking back to all of the signs I seen and ignored I could have stopped it so many times and it's driving me crazy...

I feel so stupid.

Dont.

Im going through the same problems with regret. The guilt is killing me. I see what I did that hurt my M years ago. I feel the price im paying for my WW infidelity. While you are partially responsible for the M being on the rocks you are NOT responsible for the A.

Just do the best you can. Try to stay consistent. If your having a bad day and cant deal with him its better to just get out of the house rather than LB.

I think you are seeing positive results but recovery is a marathon.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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I was on the phone with my aunt and she said "Did you hear about ur sister? She done went and shaved her head bald"!

Said she was depressed and I kinda wondered why would she do that. Then I thought who cares I have to rebuild my marriage because of her and my husband!

She could've said NO when he asked...He should have came to me if he had a problem...What the hell.

I just feel like venting and slapping him and her!
I'm glad I don't have to see her and frankly I don't want to.




Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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JenJan Offline OP
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Today is going to be a beautiful day. It's going to be all about me and my husband.
So wish me luck that everything will be wonderful.


Husband slept with sister who lived w/us
Married:5-12-2005
DDay: 2-25-2010
Bestfriends brother known for 20years
Kids: 5

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GOOD LUCK!! loveheart

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Good luck!!


BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
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