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Print out your previous post regarding her suggestions of GPS/VAR for others and her acknowledgement that she didn't CARE if you had GPS on her!!!
Take it with you to your lawyer.
Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
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Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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And Fred, remember all that stuff we talked about way back at the beginning?????
Sigh....
HBS
Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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The fact that she would bring me to this site, tell me it was her future, with me or another, be aware of the condoned/encouraged snooping, say she has no problem with it, and then use it against me as a weapon in this situation is making my blood boil...
HBS
Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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Just heard from W's lawyer. W wants me out of house, and has told her attorney that I used GPS and VAR in her car.
Sigh....
I'm meeting her later with my lawyer. Prayers and luck for me.
HBS Do you have an attorney that will defend you from this and keep you in your house? Or do you have a go along to get along attorney?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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The fact that she would bring me to this site, tell me it was her future, with me or another, be aware of the condoned/encouraged snooping, say she has no problem with it, and then use it against me as a weapon in this situation is making my blood boil...
HBS Simply...consent is a defense to claims of invasion of privacy and such. She invited and welcomed scrutiny EXPRESSLY. If this part is true... So with GPS, my secrets are out: HBS now knows I was attending Alanon meetings, Gamanon meetings, COSA meetings, shopping at dress barn, meeting with family friend and wife, going to the office, going home, etc. She's been running around town attending various meetings pertaining to dealing with YOUR supposed MULTIPLE addictions. IMO...this indicates: 1. She's paranoid delusional; 2. She's been setting you up for a bitter divorce attending meetings around town and likely documenting the same for use against you either in court or in the court of public opinion; 3. She's having an affair (emotional likely) with someone in one of those programs so she's getting extra mileage and attention by playing victim to his savior AND she gets to see him in an inocuous private setting. These meetings are chock full of hurting people that all too often then end up hurting other people. Wayward's behavior is usually ALL ABOUT THE OP...so these meetings you'd expect to have an affair payoff of some kind; 4. Marital Munchausen by proxy - meaning she just in general likes the attention received from EVERYONE when portraying herself the victim of your supposed abuses. In other words, she's a professional victim and masterful passive agressive blame shifter; or 5. You are the horrible person she describes (not likely). Good luck...because whatever it is SHE BELIEVES HER OWN BULLCRAP and she'll fight to the bitter end to "protect" herself and your children from her perceived source of abuse. Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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And Fred, remember all that stuff we talked about way back at the beginning?????
Sigh....
HBS Yes. And in retrospect, all of the questions (the new clothes, the taking off of the wedding ring, etc.) weren't oddities, and you were right to be suspicious. The game is far from over. But you're very much still in it, much to her dismay. No matter what happens from now on, it isn't going to be the way she envisioned it. You've already spoiled that part of her dream.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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HBS?
You've gone dark. How about an update?
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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W canceled meeting yesterday 10 minutes before started, to the surprise of my lawyer, her lawyer, and me (not so much).
She refused to meet again unless I agreed to move out of the house as a condition of the meeting.
We're not meeting....
Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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Yup, you've upset her apple cart. Now she's desperate. She's flailing blindly.
I hope you've got roots growing out of your feet into the flooring of your house.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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HBS, I'm really glad you are in your house right now, and I hope you stay there.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She refused to meet again unless I agreed to move out of the house as a condition of the meeting.
... When hell freezes over ..... 
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You know what really sucks y'all. The advice most of you gave her was exactly what she (needed) needs to hear. I find myself being drawn back to and rereading Vibrissa's post in particular: From reading I get the impression that you have been holding on to your resentment and anger for your husband for a long time. It has become your familiar companion. You're so used to it that you don't WANT to let it go - not really, not deep down. You may SAY with your words that you do, but I don't know that you do. I understand that, emotions become familiar after a time, to lose them is frightening and uncomfortable, even if they're unhealthy. Perhaps that's why you insisted on separation though the best have advised you it is the OPPOSITE of what you need to get what you want. Separation and it's eventual conclusion of divorce would let you hold on to that anger and resentment indefinitely.
You really are in a lucky situation, one many here envy and would love to have. Your spouse is HERE, he's on board. He's TRYING. He may not be 100% successful but he's working on it. You seem to not even want to give him that chance.
I think you want to recover, but you're scared to. You don't think you have it in you to deal with one more failure. I can understand that. But YOU need to understand that as well. Realize that you are operating from a position of fear which will never get you what you really want. Self fulfilling prophecy.
Everything you do should be evaluated. Are you doing it to strengthen and build up your marriage, or to make yourself feel better/ demonize your husband? I don't think you are in a place where you can objectively ascertain whether your actions are helpful or not. Coming here is a good check on that behavior. If everyone is saying that your letter would be harmful, trust them, because your judgement in this regard is going to be clouded by your anger and resentment.
.....
Finally, do you see how sad it is that your children are ok and happier when their parents AREN'T together? Do you see how that will give them a skewed view of adult romantic relationships? Do you realize how that will affect their future relationships?
YOU are part of what has created that.
You say you want to fix your marriage. You are here b/c you want to use MB to do that. You cannot place all of the blame on your husband. From what I've read here, that is all you do. I understand that he has his problems, and from what I read, he sees that too. Your focus needs to be on YOU - and fixing your problems.
If you value your marriage, you need to walk the walk. It needs to come first, before paying bills, making money, whatever. It needs to COME FIRST. Waking up before dawn and coming home an hour before your kids go to bed will NOT save your marriage. I don't see you making any time for your husband and you're barely squeezing in time for your kids. MB holds that a good marriage requires 15 hours MINIMUM of UA time - you'd need closer to 20-25. What are you doing to make that time?
.......
I know my words may seem a bit hard. I am coming from a place of love though. I want you to have the marriage you deserve. I want your children to feel the love and security that comes from a happy, loving marriage. You have to realize, however, that you are your own worst enemy here. You are getting advice from the best and disregarding it to do things your way, it isn't working. Why don't you try trusting the people who've been there and done that? She so hit the nail on the head. I spend my days and nights vacillating between horrific anger and deep sympathy for this situation, and am continuously brought back to our three beautiful children, moving houses, separate lives, not understanding. I know it goes on every day in every city in every state, but I never thought it would be me and mine. HBS
Last edited by HopefulButScared; 06/02/10 03:22 PM.
Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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Unfortunately, there is much said here that both spouses need to hear/read. Waywards are typically too foggy and selfish to pay attention, and betrayed spouses are too hurt and scared to heed.
The hurt and scared are easier to reach, however, since they are desperate for help, even if they resist it at first.
I remember reading Vibrissa's words to your wife and thinking how spot on she was. I also felt your wife would never read them.
After getting you on the ropes, you've managed to get back in the ring and are landing a few haymakers now.
Since it's now out in the open (all but the affair, that is), I'd say put it all on here. If your wife thinks she'll learn what's coming, she's right. MelodyLane's middle name spells it out for her...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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W canceled meeting yesterday 10 minutes before started, to the surprise of my lawyer, her lawyer, and me (not so much).
She refused to meet again unless I agreed to move out of the house as a condition of the meeting.
We're not meeting.... HBS, is she withholding your kids from you? Has she taken them out of them home? What does your attorney say about getting your kids home? And what was his response about her asking you to get out of you house as leverage to just meet with her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is the alarm system still going off?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Kids were back home last night. It was "my" night (I am T/R/Sat on the agreement we made), but W showed up with her mom around 6:30, saying "I think it best I be here".
She and her mom worked around the house and let me have my time with the kids, then I put kids to bed, with goodnights from mom (which is fine with me, I'd like the goodnight routine to stay consistent as long as possible) then I slept in the basement bedroom.
Today, no meeting because I will not agree to leave house.
Me 41
W 38
Married 10 years, together 13
3 Kids: DS5, DS2 and DD1
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You should have stayed in YOUR bedroom. If she wanted to stay there, SHE should sleep in the basement!
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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