<BR>I was told to post here from another board. It started on line a year ago. Both of us are married. He is 14 years older then I am. He tells me he loves me, I can see it in his eyes. Can feel it in his touch. His wife has with held sex for over a year. She needs space, he is to demanding, that is her story. He is a caring, sweet man. I truly love him. Maybe first time in my life I have ever been in love. Several other members have told me he can not love me and will never love me. How can I be sure?

Read the book, " Surviving an Affair". What you are feeling is not real, it is a fantasy. Living with someone day to day and being able to get through the rough times is what makes a marriage. And what is real. An online affair is just that, an online thing where you really do not know the other person. Please reconsider what you are doing, and try to restore your own marriage. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hi Online,<BR>You don't detail much of your OM relationship or whether H knows of him. "In love" is such a strange phrase. Physical attraction, affectionate conversation, exciting touch and attention can be described also as "in lust". Not judging, just observing. Been there, done that. I am in my second marriage and probably my 5th serious relationship. Love is an emotion that grows with attention and time. Lust does not last. I believe that is the reason so many of us are here posting, we all want that feeling of initial attraction and excitement.......it is of no substance so it cannot survive. True love however sacrifices itself for the good of the relationship and growth of both partners. I hope you won't think I'm being pushy but most affairs are temporary. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

I won't debate whether what he feels for you is love or not. Only he knows that. What others may be suggesting to you is that the relationship you have in not complete when there are spouses involved. Most (not all) people enter into marriage with love, but find that it takes more than just love to stay married. It takes respect, trust, commitment, etc. You see, it is possible to love w/o trust, etc. <P>Affair relationships are inherently limited...someone has a spouse. So how can one give 100% to a relationship when they have a spouse? Most marriages began with the same "bliss" you feel w/OM. Yours probably did too...but something happens when the bliss fades. Its not always because one fell "out of love"...maybe they didn't do enough to stay "in love" And most of the time, BOTH parties are guilty of complacency. Whatever the case may be, when each of your spouses stops meeting whatever needs they are meeting to keep you in the marriage, you will begin to look for OP to fulfill those needs. Can he? Maybe you don't know because he does not need to right now...H is doing that. <P>Is your continuation of affair dependent upon if he loves you? If you are convinced that he does, what do you plan to do?<P>Enlightened

InloveonLine,<BR>Get ready for the bashing, it does come. Thanks for the reply on my post. Hope things work out with you. It does feel right and sometimes it can be. You are right about the ones posting and bashing, either been betrayed or have been the betrayer. I've been played off as a violent homewrecker, If they knew the truth. But sometimes the truth is not what they want. Hope all goes well and good luck, you could very well be correct in your feelings.

inloveonline,<BR> Maybe if you don't love your H anymore,you should get a divorce,then fall in love with someone else.Save everyone else a lot of pain and grief.I'm talking from experience,not bashing you.<BR> other man,<BR> Are you still here?Just have a question for you.Didn't you say your ex cheated on you? If so,you know what that feels like,yet you fool around with another man's wife and put that pain on him??My W's OM did the same thing.Why is that?Did your W's affair bust up your marriage?Yet it seems you are trying to bust up another marriage,by "saving"another man's wife.After what your ex did to you,why not go after a single woman?Maybe I don't know all the details here,but could you clarify your thoughts on this matter?<BR> --Murph

If he really & truly loves you, why isn’t he divorcing his Wife?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Other Man, Why are you so concerned what any one says here if your so sure you are right. The people here are trying to get insight into themselves and their spouses to try to do the right thing. It's called responsibility. Owning up. It's gets a little rough sometimes, but for good reason. It's called being grown up. I'm surprised your still here. Maybe you are searching for some answers into your own irresponsible behavior, I hope so. Hang around, maybe you will grow up yet! Other wise you know what they say about the kitchen.<BR>Ginn

Inlove,<P>Why are you asking us whether or not your OM loves you????? All we can do is relate our experiences, but we cannot answer your question. You should know better than anyone what your OM does or doesn't feel. I know this much, when my H and I met, I absolutely knew 100% that he loved me. I think when the love is real and genuine, you know it.<P>You are very wrong about bashing going on here. I haven't found that at all. I think people here are very fair, especially given the fact that most who post here are hurting very badly as a result of their spouse's affair. I've checked out the thread "other man" started, and truthfully, I never responded to it because I couldn't determine the sincerity of it. Too much "he said, she said" for me. It's confusing and I can't tell who is who nor any of the facts. So, I wouldn't count that thread as being "typical" by any means.<P>And one more thing, please remember that this is a marriage builders site. So, the good majority of people here are trying to build marriages, not break them. I'm sure there are other more appropriate forums for you to gain the specific insight and support you are looking for. (Perhaps a divorce forum, or an OW forum, maybe?)<P>But, I will tell you this. If and when you are ready to end your affair, recommit to your marriage and gain insight into how to make your marriage successful, healthy and happy, THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE!!<P>I hope you find what it is you are looking for.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

inloveonline,<P>You stated in your profile that you knew that you did not love your husband from the time you said,"I do". At that point you should have detached yourself from your husband's life and started over. You had no children to tie you down and nothing preventing you from leaving but yourself. Also, you stated that you stayed because of your religion, what does your religion say about having affairs? If you don't love your husband you should divorce and let him find someone who does LOVE him. He has to stay in a marriage thinking that he has a wife that loves and cherishes him, little does he know. And that is the problem, you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Don't use the excuse about the children, that's crap and you know it. Divorce means that your spouse is no longer your husband, it does not take away his parental rights. Stop being selfish and give your husband a chance to find happiness in this world.

Inlove,<BR> please dont be fooled by this married man's lies. You really do not know how his wife feels or what she does.I guess it makes <BR> it easier for him to cheat with you if he makes you believe his wife is the cause of all their problems. When it comes down to it,<BR> he probably doesn't love you, not really,if<BR> he did, he wouldn't want to put through this.Its going to be painful when you realize<BR> your just a fantasy to him, a quick fix.When it comes time to pick between the two of you, hes probably going to stay with his family, and thats really the right thing<BR> for him to do. The other woman in my situation, she believed some things about me that just werent true, she thought he loved her, she thought he would leave me and they could live happily ever after.He led her on for two years,making promises he knew he wouldnt keep.When I found out, it just killed me, it broke my heart,and I'm sure it broke her heart too and she did what she felt she had to do by telling me.If your having problems in your marriage, you need to<BR> work on them without him in the picture.Do you know how many other affairs hes had? Do you know how many there will be after you?<BR> You need to get out of this mess before it gets worse.I'm not bashing you, just trying to help you avoid alot of pain for everybody.<BR>

Let's see .... his wife is withholding sex from him .... and he's your "best" friend now?<P>Hmmmmmmmm<P>Can you say DUHHH????????? You're an orfice, honey. Nothing more than an outlet for his sexual need.<P>Besides what kind of friends are EITHER ONE of you .... friends don't make their friends cheat on their spouse. Friends don't STEAL a spouse away from another person.<P>You are soooooooooo fooling yourself.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited August 19, 1999).]

In Love:<P>At the risk of proving Other Man true, I'm going to lay it all out for you. Please do not take this as bashing. Other Man obviously doesn't know what he's talking about or he wouldn't see this as bashing.<P>Here's my assessment of YOUR situation:<P>I don't know if it's love or not. Personally, I don't care. This could be the greatest love in the world, but you've already poisoned it. Why? Because you acted on it while still married to another man. If this online love of yours is so special, why didn't you leave your husband, file for divorce and then take up with him?<P>I understand how affairs happen. Believe me, after my wife's affair, I've learned a great deal about them. However, the one thing that gets me is the blatant selfishness and illogical thinking of betrayers. The sad, simple fact is that YOU (and every betrayer, my wife included) didn't take your wedding vows seriously.<P>Whether we want to believe it or not, marriage means something. If you're not totally committed to it (and this includes those of us who didn't betray, but ignored, took for granted, or otherwise disrespected our spouses) then you have no business being in it.<P>There is no law that says you can't fall out of love with someone and into love with someone else. But, there's a proper sequence of events you're supposed to follow. Having an affair isn't it. You should first ascertain whether your current marriage is worth saving. That means giving it a fair shot. Go to counseling, stop seeing the other man, and see if you can rebuild with your husband. If you cannot (and if you've given it a fair try), then you get divorced. Only when the divorce is final do you take up with someone new.<P>I've made MY position abundantly clear here. I think affairs are blatantly immoral. Whether this man is in love with you or not, whether YOU are in love with HIM or not is immaterial. You have a binding commitment to your husband, and until you are convinced beyond a doubt that you cannot stay together, you owe it to him to honor your vows and to forsake all others.<P>Besides, you have no idea what it would be like to live with this other man. All you know is the giddiness and "in love" feelings you have for him. So he makes you feel good. You've never had to deal with the tough times with him. You've never had to hold his hand when he got laid off and wondered how he'd provide for his family. You never had to comfort him when his mother died. You've never had to tell him you wrecked the car, but that you're okay. You have NO history with this man OTHER than your affair. How do you know he'll be everything you expect? There are hard times for EVERYONE, and you have no idea what's in store for you with this man.<P>One more thing . . . he was rotten enough to have an affair on his current wife. How do you know he won't do the same thing to YOU if you leave your husband to be with this man? Will you really be able to trust where he is when he says he's "working late?"<P>Think about it.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

think you have received some great advice above. Just posting that I hope you will read it carefully-very carefully! <BR>OM, you have not been bashed!

inloveonline,<P>Hey, I hope you're still reading this thread you started, even though you might think you are being bashed. Believe me, people are NOT bashing you. They are trying to give you the best advice they know how to give. It may SOUND like bashing because you are very much in the middle of your affair. But it's not.<P>Firstly, I understand how you feel about the OM because I was the betrayer in my marriage (not just once but twice!). Yes, you are in love with him and maybe he's in love with you too. I was in love with my OW too (still am, but I'm trying to deal with that now!). And I believe she truly loved me at the time too.<P>But this does not make it right. If it's right, why don't you tell your husband? You can't have a real satisfying relationship with this guy unless and until you are single. How satisfying is it to have to keep it secret all the time and lie to your husband? I can speak from experience when I say NOT VERY!<P>So, anyway, you must make a decision to either get divorced so you can truly be with the one you love, or decide that you want to make your marriage work and break it off with the OM. You CANNOT have it both ways. Eventually it will turn real ugly and you will just be in so much pain. That's the honest TRUTH!<P>--airheart

inloveonline, Do a search on Famous Quotes from betraying Spouses. The things both you and your OM are saying are listed there several times. I hope it will help you to see that this is not special or different from other affairs. To me, it sounds classic text-book.<P>OtherMan- you say WE don't want the truth? You are the one who ran off threatening suicide when we gave YOU the TRUTH, because you didn't happen to like what the truth is.

I am still here!!!!!!!!!!<P>First, I have been a part of this man's life for over a year now. We have held hands during a death, he was in a car wreck, and I had to stay away and hope he was ok. I am his first affair. He has a hard time with the guilt. <BR>I see that he loves me, and I know I love him,,,,,,guess I did not word my question very well. Let me try again.............<P>He loves me now.......but how do I know he is just not going through a mid life crisis. I read some post that woman talk about their husbands and their midlife crisis and they sound like things OM tells me. I sometimes wonder if I was just at the right place at the right time and he would have fallen for anyone who showed a general interest in his life? I wonder the same thing about myself? I am looking for someone to tell me that they had a positive come out of an affair. But I am starting to see that maybe there are none?<BR>I do stay for my kids, that is not a crock! My dad died when I was 14 years old, I missed him dearly, who am I to remove my children from their home, away from everyday contact with their dad, because I love someone else. I am not God, and do not want to play God. Is an unhappy home better or worse then a single parent home?<BR>I know without a doubt that what I feel about him is love. I have nothing to compare it to. He always puts me first, before his own feelings. The only person who has ever done that is my mom.<BR>I did not get out before we had kids because I was young, scared and dumb, now I am just old, scared and dumb. I am not proud of myself, or even think I am right, but I am weak and I need him. He helps me get through the days that are longer then others. H does not care if I breath, just as long as I do the laundry, vacuum, cook, taxi the kids and be his chef. do not expect you to understand. just want to hear what goes on in other people's lives.

What happens when you two finally end up together & you, “do the laundry, vacuum, cook, taxi the kids and be his chef”?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

inloveonline, please forgive me upfront if you take anything I say a "bashing". But you have me totally confused. You say that he put your feelings first....yet he is still married? You say you care most about your children.....how do you think they will feel knowing their mother used their father and slept with another man? You say you are scared and dumb.....but what choices have you made? You say that you are weak and need him.....don't you need to look at yourself? No one can give you those feelings but yourself. You need to feel good about you, you are trying to find that in someone else. My H also had an online "love", guess what in the end he stayed with me to work things out and found out what he had with the ow was nothing more than fantasy. I think the saddest thing I see here is that you have no idea what pain you two have caused so many people. You think it only affects the two of you....what about each other spouses, children, family and friends? I would never believe in staying in a marriage that is not fulfilling to you and your H, but sneaking off and lying is just plain wrong and sinful. You need to think about how selfish you are being, my mom used to tell me "always do the right thing, in the right order" Think about it!

God is love. What this guy wants is someone to be affectionate with him. Given that my wife thinks I am controlling also, I would venture to say that she probably went through some traumatic experience where she needs to be in control. This usually takes the form of no sex. He is not innocent. He did things to her to cause her to withhold sex. He will do the same to you. This not intended as a bashing. You are currently on the emotional high that won't last. If he truly loves you he would leave you alone because you are married. TRUE LOVE DOES NOT BEHAVE LIKE THIS BECAUSE TRUE LOVE COMES ONLY FROM GOD AND THIS CERTAINLY IS NOT LIKE GOD.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>