DoNoMo,

Yes, even though we had plenty of family time, canoeing, going to the beach, grilling, playing pool in the evenings, there was little UA time for the two of us. In the evenings, when we went to bed, H would read short stories to me. I really like that, but it did not come near 15 hours of just us time.

Usually, when we start feeling a little withdrawn, it is because we had not spent that UA time together, or if we did we weren't focuring on the 4 critical ENs.

AM

GY,

I doubt your H thinks about A or OW much. I think it is the BSes that have more thoughts. It seems as if whatever happens I am looking to see if my instincts are true, or is there something more that I am missing? Because they were the deceitful one, I don't think the WS has that burden of analyzing everything and it is easier to not think of the past.

I did tell H about the flowers. He's said a couple of times recently that he is sorry for being such a "nimno". I have not replied with anything. But today, in discussion with M coach, I brought up that H says one thing, but does another. Coach is going to talk to H early next week, give him a boot in the rear. It is REALLY nice to have someone do that.

I had read the posts that caused you to stop posting for awhile. Some vets here are particularly dogmatic. While I agree in principle that MB is a narrow path and for our M, we have had so much additional destruction from the FR, we pretty much try to follow MB as closely as possible. Sometimes there are things that don't seem like a good idea, especially when a window of opportunity is past. I don't disagree with your point of view.

AM

A quick update:

I still have not gotten any flowers. I made such a big deal of it that H felt flowers at this point would not be meaningful. He is right, of course, recognizing that it is the symbol of him thinking about me that is important. So.... last week when I was out getting my hair done, H got me some lovely amber earrings. I love them.

This weekend is H's birthday. Three years ago, OW gave H a kiss on the head during his birthday lunch and less than 2 weeks later, they were swapping all bodily fluids for the next nearly 7 months. The last 2 years have been very triggery for me. I am hoping this year will be very different. I got H a couple of nice gifts (the previous years birthday shopping was a struggle), have plans to take him to dinner and will bake his favorite pumpkin pie. I think this year will be much better.

AM

Remember that often it takes repeatedly stating your needs to have them met, and in a non-browbeating way. "I'd love it if we had flowers on the table tonight" may be all he needs to remind him to pick some up. Or "How would you feel about picking up some flowers for me in an hour?" or even better, "How would you feel about picking out some flowers WITH me in an hour?"

Sometimes we humans are pretty thick-headed. We're so wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs that it's hard to remember to step out of ourselves and meet those of others. I need a lot of reminding, myself. State your need in a non-lovebusting way and you're golden!

DoNoMO,

Thanks for the comments. Your idea is great and I think I will use one of those sentences verbatim. Part of my problem is that I use this sort of stuff as a test - does H do the things he agreed to in our courses? does H take the initiative with our getting out our workbooks, etc. And if he doesn't, then I think that he is not really serious about R.

Something wonderful happened tonight. H went to a dinner meeting. Before he left, after reviewing the precautions he had written out months ago, my H told me that he loved my and that I was the only woman he loved. This is the first time since the A that he has said that I was the only one. So, of course, I reacted by crying.


AM

My wife setting up "tests" for me is probably one of the greatest Love Busters I know of. It makes me furious. She did it with whether I was monitoring her computer, she did it with whether I was looking at the phone bill, and in the early days of our marriage she did it with chores to gauge my commitment to her.



Different women have different thresholds for turning on the waterworks, but they are much lower than for most men. Crying makes me uncomfortable... but it's not a Love Buster!

DoNoMo,

Well, I guess I understand your comment about "testing" the R as a LB. But I really don't know how else to "take the pulse" of the R. In our MB coursework, H "signs up" to do things, but then does not follow through. If he does not want to do them, fine, tell me. If he does say he will do something, it is a pretty big LB to me. I interpret it as being dishonest. Maybe it is, maybe he is lazy or forgetful. How am I supposed to know?

I was totally blindsided by my H's affair. I had no idea there was anything wrong other than he had been deployed for 4 and 1/2 out of the previous 6 years (didn't even realize this until after D-day. Military deployment was something my H did and I supported him). I was happy when he was home and unknowingly did a great plan A, meeting his ENs whenever we were together. Now, I doubt my perceptions. I THINK we are finally recovering well. But I thought things were pretty good last year, when H was making plans to leave me and had 10 days of mushy contact with OW.

Re. the crying, it was rare for me and limited to a few mushy movies, hearing some patriotic songs at military funerals of young Soldiers' killed in battle. Now, I am a definite cryer, probably 4-5 times a week. It's not the painful crying that I had for the longest time after D-day. Now, it is more often when something good OR bad happens. My emotions are at the very surface nearly all the time.

As always, thanks for the comments.

AM

A little update: H and I are still working on the MB courses. We have finished all the contentious ones as well as the top ENs for both of us. The ones left are much easier to work on.

H seems happier than he has been in a long time. On the other hand, I have still been triggery, especially with the one year anniversary of his broken contact coming up in a couple of weeks. Spending the UA time works best to diffuse those negative feelings. We are working together on a room renovation in the house - not exactly RC. We are a little bit between seasons with RC. In another month, we should have enough snow to ski on and then our favorite RC activities will resume. In the meantime, we are ripping out walls and plaster, making one bedroom out of two small rooms.

All in all, we are perking along, relatively happy with each other and our lives.

GY, are you out there reading at all? I know these next couple of months have the potential to be upsetting.

DoNoMo, I love your posts on the various threads. You have such a good understanding of MB and a great way of using examples to illustrate your understanding.

AM

Ain't that the truth? Meeting the minimums on UA time really works out the kinks in a relationship. The drama slows down or stops, because you're interacting with one another so often that little problems are discussed and resolved before they become big ones.

Last night my wife and I took our dog for a walk for nearly an hour. The time passed too quickly because we were chatting the whole way!


You're together. You're building something. You're working with each other. It's not "recreational companionship", necessarily, but it's still Undivided Attention as long as something else isn't taking you away from your shared task.

I think, sometimes, we here on the forums take an impossible angle on UA time. Yes, that time is best spent meeting the four Intimate Emotional Needs. But it doesn't all HAVE to be spent meeting the four Intimate Emotional Needs... just as much of it as possible. Time spent without kids or distractions, where you can communicate and show affection to one another? Still UA time.

I just hate the idea of a movie or TV as UA time... that's not quite enough interaction to count (IMHO). But ripping apart a room together, sharing a pizza, and interrupting the work for frequent kisses and chats? Absolutely that's UA time!


Thanks for the compliment. I had been slacking on our efforts, and time spent commenting on these boards is very therapeutic to remind me what I should be doing. FWW and I spent a couple of hours this morning while I was working sending texts back and forth to one another. To me, her desire to engage in conversation is a good litmus test of whether we're spending enough time with one another for her to be in Intimacy with me!

Counting and charting UA time for the past 35 weeks has been a learning experience about the importance of this time together.

Weather permitting, we walk our dog for 1-2 hours a day. This was one of the first things MB coach had us do. We were to hold hands and talk as we were walking. We always count this as UA time. I really like the walks. We have many wooded trails to chose from and the dog loves to run off the leash. We look at leaves and moss, the sunlight coming into the woods, the inticate spider webs that spring up overnight.

As long as we don't wallpaper, we are counting the room renovation as UA time. Past experience with another home decoration project showed that wallpapering removed LB units. We laugh about it, but won't be doing it again.

With the exception of one college football team, we never count TV as UA time. We prepare as if we are going to the game, get our T-shirts on, make nachos before the start of the game and sit together. It brings back memories of when we went to the games in person together. Of course, we like it best when the team wins and they stink this year - the first year since 98 they have dropped out of the top 25.

We have about a month until ski season. Hopefully, all renovation is done so DS22 will have a place to sleep when he comes home on leave.

Thanks for the interest.

AM

AM,
Yes, I'm here today. I check MB forum about once a week just to see what some of you guys are up to.

I try to stay off the Surviving forum because it triggers me too badly. Read one last week about someone finding out about previous infidelities in the marriage--it caused me to think way too much last week.

Thanks for remembering that my two-year mark is coming up. We're hanging in there. Most days are good. I try not to wallow too much in the past because when I do it just opens a can of worms best left alone.

I'm glad that you have some successes to buffer the memories of your situation one year ago.

GY

Looking4serenity started a thread on the SAA forum, praying for more posts on the recovery forum. It's been a couple of months since I updated my thread; so I guess it is time. And the news is mostly positive.

Twenty-three years ago today, DS1 was born. We came home from the hospital on new year's day. Last night, I asked my H, "What was your favorite New Year's Eve?". He responded with, "The one DS1 was born". In the hospital, we had silly hats, sips of champagne, and a nurse who took my vitals exactly when we were kissing as the ball dropped in Times Square. A really sweet memory and answer to my quesion.

Most of the time we are doing well. I still have my moments. November was the one year anti-versary of my H contacting OW and lying about it for three months. This year, we are working on our MB courses, meticulously tracking our UA time. H is very transparent, with phone and computer. I still worry from time to time that he will impulsively contact OW to "see how she is doing". Of course, I have always been the worrier in the family. A couple of weeks ago, I asked H if he ever worried about anything (he has never worried about much of anything) and he said, "The only thing I worry about is that you won't be happy again". It is much better now. I started laughing again - I'm not certain when that was. I don't have near as many triggers, and when I do have one, I recognize it for what it is and think about something else.


I am looking forward to a better 2011 and wish the same for all of you on this site reading this.

AM

Mine too, armymama! He is 23 today!

Armymama, awesome update. It is stories like yours that keeps hope going for BSs. Your DH saying his only worry is your happiness put a lump in my throat. My WW is still very much fogged up. Hearing something like that from her will take time and most likely may never happen, but if it does....I'd be jello.

Lookin,
I am jello when I think of H's comment. He is an entirely different and better version of himself compared to during and after the A. It took him a long, long time to defog. Once he decided to be an honest man and I quit being overtly angry and resentful, our lives were hugely improved. I believe in the success of MB when the principles are applied as closely as possible, without shortcuts.

Mulan, we know exactly where we were and what we were doing 23 years ago today. Our DS is in the Army. He left last Sunday for his new assignment at Fort Hood, Texas. It took him 2 days and lots of added expense because of the snow. We celebrated his birthday after dinner on Christmas.

AM

{{{{{{AM}}}}}}

Back at you, GY. Good to see you around once in awhile.

AM

Thanks for the info.....

At some point in time, I think I heard Dr. Harley say that how couples interact on Valentine's Day is a litmus test to whether they are in romantic love.

H and I had a nice day. H brought me a card and a new suduko book. I had made a reservation at a very nice restaurant followed by a sleigh ride. The meal was wonderful. We had dinner and then went sleigh ride in the woods and along the lake. It was lightly snowing and a magical ride. Then we had coffee and desert by the fire before heading home. It was a very pleasurable evening.

H and I have had a couple of memorable Valentine's Days. One time, we went to a dinner dance. And a few years ago, we flew to Toronto and stayed at Niagra Falls over Valentine's Day weekend.

Anyways, I think recovery is going pretty well. We are still working on the MB courses and do a subcourse about every two weeks. We are on our 54th week of tracking our UA hours. And we do much better when we have 20 hours or more.


AM