My son came home for the weekend. Brought his laundry . We had a nice visit. H came over Friday night and cooked our son's favorite dish. Sat. night H and I went to a party. Sunday we had dinner at his mother's house. Sunday afternoon H was leaving to go look for apartment and taking son back to school. After dinner when H was packing car I felt myself starting to fall apart inside. I hugged MIL and thanked her for dinner. Told her I needed to leave. She understood. I left and could hardly see to drive for the tears as I drove down the road. I went to the gym and worked out (after the big dinner -- ugh). I did feel better after that. <P>I guess it just hit me. H really is leaving town. H will be near the children. I took care of the entire family for 25 years. Now all of them are gone. I was on a self-pity trip yesterday big time. <P>I know this is for the best. H is so confused. He is depressed. He will never make a decision about our marriage as long as I can be a "weekend wife" for him. He needs to be alone, taking care of his own needs. He needs the new job. He is not happy in the present situation. I find myself cancelling plans if he calls and wants to do something. Perhaps it will be a good thing for me as well.<P>I read Animac's thread about fantasies. I know my fantasy will never come true until my H comes to term with his feelings about himself. He feels he has failed himself in many ways through the years, even going back 25 years when he flunked out of college. Yes, he went back to school but not where he wanted to. He quit a really good job years ago making great money because he "wasn't happy". Knows that was a big mistake. Screwed up on the house because he subbed everything out and I kept harping "budget". He didn't have one. It took everything we had to finish it. Just a few of the things he has had to deal with.<P>Sooo I know he has some issues. He needs to get some help and I pray to God he will. Yes, I love him, but I can't fall apart. Today has to be a new day. I have to get on with my life. The fine line I'm having trouble with is how do I get on with my life, yet play a part in his? He has said he plans on coming "home" (where is home -- my apartment or mama's house) once a month. Wants me to go there once a month. So basically we're seeing each other twice a month for the weekend. Is this something I should do? He keeps saying he doesn't want to give up hope. Yet he can't tell me he loves me. For those men who have been depressed -- can you explain that feeling to me. Am I wise to keep hoping and holding on?

Janie try this site <P>adhd.mentalhelp.net/<P>ADD seems to be my "fad" right now. I'm learning all I can. Some of the things you identified could be related, particularly underachieving. Faith Hope and Love's spouse has this problem and is dealing with it. It's just a starting point.

Janie,<P>I haven't posted in quite awhile, but I read your post and thought I might be able to help. You can check out my profile so I won't go into details, but I did the same thing your husband did. I also was totally depressed.<P>If your husband is anything like me, he is depressed because he is totally confused. On one hand he has his wife and family of 25 years that he loves and doesn't want to hurt. On the other hand he thinks he has found a women that seems to be all any man can ask for that he won't give up. So what does he do? He will try to keep both for as long as he can. That's why he wants to see you twice a month. Meanwhile he's getting what he needs from the ow. This will go on indefinitely if YOU let it. I did it for 6 years.<P>This will sound drastic or extreme, but I lived through it and I'm telling you how I felt and what was needed for me to make a decision. What you need to do is tell him that he needs to make a decision. You or the ow, and he needs to make it quickly. Give him no more than 2 weeks. Tell him that after 2 weeks if he chooses the ow or has not made a decision you will file for divorce. I can tell you he probably won't make any decision. In that case you do need to file for divorce. If he's like me he won't want that, but he needs to do some things also.<P>He'll probably get more depressed. He needs to be put on anti-depressants. Then seek professional help. A psychologist who understands not only extramarital affairs, but problems deep within a person. He needs to find out and understand why he had the affair (I'm still seeing a psychologist). I'm finding out that things happened in my childhood that were repressed and are now surfacing and causing me to behavior uncharacteristically (the affair). This will last awhile, but it's necessary if he wants to be free of depression and live a normal life again.<P>He probably will resist because he won't want to give up the ow. And let me tell you that giving her up will be like cutting of one of his arms. It's the hardest thing in the world to do because she is an addiction. And like all addictions the more you get the more you want and stopping is close to impossible. Read Harley's articles for ending an affair, and read the one on withdrawal. I've been out of my affair for a year now and I'm still in withdrawal. This is not easy stuff, but I finally realized that I couldn't live 2 lives anymore.<P>Hope this helps somewhat. If you have any questions you can email me at "check-mate@worldnet.att.net".<P>

Janie-<P>I seem to be in the same boat as you (or one quite similar). My H exhibits the classic signs of midlife crisis. He, too, has told me he feels like a failure, that he hasn't lived up to his potential (whatever that is). He has an above average IQ, is educated better than most, but has not been able to find or hold down a fulltime job for the past five years. He finally just gave up and stopped looking. I know this is a big part of our marital problems. It has been very stressful on me to have to carry the whole load these past several years. I tried to suppress it, but I was building up resentments. So, the way he escaped was to enter fantasy-land with OW. She is much younger and 'looked up to him', whereas I was supporting him (which deep down he resented). I was also losing respect for him. I also felt that a lot of his problems stemmed from depression. I encouraged him to talk to his therapist about it and see about getting on some anti-depressants. But the idiot therapist told him it as "normal" for him to be depressed in his situation. So, now, here I sit having to deal with all the pain and the realities at the same time, while he has vanished (I would bet $$$ he has moved in with OW). Sometimes, I feel that there is no hope for our marriage as it is HIS problem. He has to come to terms with his mistakes and dissapointments in life. I guess all we can do is watch to see if they are successful in making it through their journey.<P>Good luck to you. Let me know if you have any great insights.

Janie,<P>Yes, Yes, you are wise to keep on hoping. I cannot repeat that enough. Your H and you are and will go through a big adjustment with all kids out of the house and on their own. But your H is going through what I and many others go through. To quote Peggy Lee, "Is that all there is?" It is a period of reevaluation in ones life. You realize that the major tasks are done, the major opportunities may have passed and you are who you are. Plus there are hormonal changes in men as well as women. Add it all up and it can be pretty depressing.<P>What your H is going through is not your fault nor are you to blame. He must work it out himself. He will do that. I don't know if you two dated when in college especially if attending separate schools, but what your arrangement is going to be for awhile is like that. Look at it like that, it can be exciting, it can be the beginning of a new relationship. Make the trips fun and something to look forward to. <P>Consider this your H has gotten rid of the house and the job. These are two of the three biggest things in his life, BUT he has not gotten rid of you. He does love you, he does not love himself right now. When he regains his self-respect (hopefully new job will do this), his love for you will come back. You are his first choice and he did have choices.<P>Have confidence in yourself and few this as just a different form of your 25 year relationship. ENjoy the time off and the time on. Take care of yourself because the "empty nest" syndrom (sp) is getting to you as well. Talk to him about your troubles and concerns (not in the context of him) but from your context, as you would do a friend. If he can help you even a little, it will also help him. THe same goes for you. <P>If you can get him to take anti-depressants that would help. You might want to point out that while people can see reasonable well without glass many people can see much better with them. Only vanity prevents people from using them to help but the cost is that they cannot read well and do their work well. If he is to do well he must be at his peak. That approach may get his attention.<P>I have made this too long but have confidence, and realize that you are not the problem, but you are almostly certainly the solution.<P>He cannot tell you he loves you, because he does not even like himself right now. He is afraid that he will fail again and cause you even more pain. Been there, done that.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You