After living through this pain over the past 5 weeks, I wish the media would never report on affairs given all the pain. Yet, my wh is in a public/media position and I have realized how much of our city knows of his behavior. As the ow is a coworker and he is trying to seek changes at work for nc, I am afraid that the affair will go from common knowledge in his industry to common knowledge across town. After simply getting my hair cut this weekend, the realization that so many people know was destroying enough, but if this hits the broader community, I don't know what to do. If anyone can help with suggestions with recovering from an affair under public scrutiny, please send them my way!

It is GOOD that everyone knows! Talk about your great exposure!

This is a GOOD THING. It means everyone knows about his affair. If he is doing everything right, and people ask you, simply tell them that he is doing what is needed to recover.

Sorry you are here, lost, but it sounds like things are going great! That is great that people know! The more the better. The more people that know, the more people to keep him accountable. It isn't people "knowing" that is destroying his reputation; it is his behavior that has destroyed his reputation.

It sounds like exposure has gone very well in your situation. Have your children been told about your husbands affair? Hopefully they have been told all your H's adultery.

I am totally in FAVOUR of all of the media coverage of affairs, when it is showing them in the despicable light that they dwell in. I think it will plant some more seeds into some WSs heads. I think that some marriages may actually be saved in part because of this.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Never mind about your children, I see that they are too little. Have both sets of your parents been told about the affair? Close friends and family? The more people who know the better.

Is the OW married? If so, has her husband been told?

Hiding your face in shame, when you are the one who was betrayed, is the old way of dealing with affairs.

All that does is allow the cheaters to enjoy their cheating in peace and quiet while the BS stays out of sight and dies of humiliation.

No more. No more keeping dirty secrets for cheaters. They don't enjoy it so much when the whole world knows, so be GLAD that everybody knows. That's your best chance to kill the affair. Like bacteria, affairs die under direct sunlight.

You get out there and hold your head up and look people in the eye and tell them the truth. "I am going through a very difficult time, but I very much hope to recover my marriage" (assuming that's the case).

No shame! In the 21st century, we stop hiding and start dealing openly. That way, maybe, just maybe, *some* of this stuff will stop.

1) This was not your decision. You are the offended party. People may give you the impression they are uncomfortable, likely because they are looking to see how you will react. Well don't react, respond.

Take a deep breath and know your identity is not the circumstance you find yourself in.
Be a leader - present yourself to the public with confidence, not arrogance but confidence, because you know where you stand on the issue. You have the ability to take the moral high ground. You can state you are committed to restoring your marriage and you hope your your husband will be accountable for his actions and behaviors. You can state how sorry you are that people choose this path in life.

You have a choice. You can be a victim or you can stand for moral behavior. Being exposed to this you can demonstrate compassion and understanding for the hundreds of other Betrayed Spouses out there who have experienced the same thing as you have, but they have not been thrust on the public platform.

So what do you want to say?
What message do you want to get out to the community?
What do YOU want to stand for?

Just because your husband was unable to control himself does not mean you have to resign your character to being a victim. Your husband is a big boy and he may have to take some heat for his actions, you don't.

If you are thrust into the public spotlight, then use it to your advantage and take a stand, if it is your nature. You understand the hurt, pain and embarrassment. In my opinion that give you license and authority to stand up for marriage and morality. You can portray how important it is to behave in a fashion becoming of a person entrusted with a position of responsibility.

Behave with class, dignity, humility, and understanding. But that does not mean you have to agree with what took place. You can be an example and a leader in this situation if you so choose. And if you so choose to take the moral high ground I think you might be pleasantly surprised to see what support will come your way.

I am personally getting weary of the lack of character displayed by people who are in positions of responsibility. I would be happy to cheer loud and long for someone who was willing to take a stand for civility and morality.

This may be a great opportunity for you, even if right now it does not seem like it. Our character is not developed in the good times, but in the difficult times and the times of testing.

Blessings
BCBoy

Can you describe exactly what part of this public exposure you dislike? Is it trying to protect your WH from the inevitable judgement and disdain from others, or does it have more to do with your own embarrassment? I'm trying to understand where you're coming from because like the others, I tend to agree that this public stuff is a GOOD thing.

This is one of the natural consequence of your WH's adultery. You really should consider the fact that the more people that know about this affair, the harder it will be for them to continue it!!!

lostandhurting, I refer you to Jenny Sanford, the queen of dignity under this kind of duress. Talk about public scrutiny! She gave her WH a YEAR to put things back together with her. He couldn't get his head out of his a**, and she STILL came out smelling like a rose...

Spend as much time together as possible. Focus on each other. Go out together as much as possible.

Thank you for all of the support and thoughtful responses. You have helped me to challenge my fears. Sid, to be honest, I guess I am scared of more pain...I am just not sure how much more I can take. I am coming more to terms with not trying to protect my H from the consequences of his behavior, even if that means the local media runs the story. I think I fear that with the added pain it could bring, that it would be too much and break what is already so broken.

I just feel like I am going crazy...I have always considered myself to be stable and able to roll with life's punches. Now, I vacililtate with so many emotions that I didn't even know were possible. I obsess on the computer tracking our cell phone bills, accounts, her work, her facebook account (which I am now a "friend" of hers so I follow her under a different identity), just craziness! So much now makes sense and I ask myself, " how could I have missed all of the signs?"

My mom helped put the reality into action when I called her four weeks ago and she told me to get his parents involved. Since then, friends and colleagues know (or have had it directly confirmed) as well as his boss. So, you are right...forcing the affair into reality is the one reason we have evolved to this point where we can talk about how to recover. I am just scared of another shoe falling...

Sorry for the ramble. Just really appreciate your support. Feels so alone sometimes...

Hi there lost,
I have also gone through what you are, my husband is a well know business man and we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.....
He had an affair with one of his employees.....she was married as well with 2 children, we also have 2 children.....
I found out about the affair from the OW's husband who had proof.....
I felt the same way as you, I was very emotional. I was embarrassed . I have always had a lot of self confidence and prided myself and my life as upstanding and living by the word of the Lord......
This news threw my world into a tailspin......
But I realized I didn't do anything wrong and that I was not responsible for him and his actions...
Exposure is key to stopping the affair and making them accountable for their actions......
I told my husband if he wanted to go and have a relationship with her then go ahead and go......
Since everyone knows it has not been much fun for him and he had made his relationship with his boys very difficult.....
It's been 6 months since D-Day and he is asking for a second chance to prove to me and our boys that he made a mistake and is sorry for what he has done...
I'm still scared and checking as well just like you......but I'm a fixer by nature and I still love the husband he used to be not the affair guy he has become.....
Time will tell, it's a challenge everyday, thinking of what has changed between us and it's a challenge everyday looking people in the face and feeling bad about what has happened to our family....
I have to tell you that when you go ahead and talk about it instead of hiding there will be a lot of support out there for you......
Hold your head up high, you did nothing to feel bad about and you are not responsible for him......
Let him feel the brunt of what has happened.....
I'm convince what my husband has been through with all this that he will never go down that path again.......