I posted this on the Divorce forum but since most people view this thread maybe someone can shed some light here too.

Few months ago I discovered my H was having an affair with a former coworker. The affair started while both were employed in the same company. My H was in executive management position she was not. Both lost jobs beg of Jan 2010(not because of affair).

I confronted both of them on Mar 23. Husband is still denying affair despite overwhelming evidence and expose to family, close friends and business associates. So here are the key points of his behaviour

1. Starts acting strange about Nov 09
2. Jan 8 starts sleeping in another bedroom. Stopped using terms of endearment, kisses etc.
3. For another month won't tell me what is wrong and he is basically absent most of the day,sometimes without even calling to ask about our then 13 mts old son.
4. In Feb we have a talk, he says he has not been happy for 3 years(even though he has never shown or talked about it), thought having a child would fix things. I asked if another woman was involved he says no(without looking me in the eyes). Even starts crying to me. Goes to the gym afterwards but later I will find out that he was on the phone with the OW for 40min.
5. I suggest marriage counselling and he agrees to individual sessions. We did about 5 of them.
6. I get a proof of his affair(like emails etc)
7. I confront him coming out of a restaurant with her when he says he was somewhere else.
8. He still denies affair despite evidence.
9. Affair exposed to family and close friends, business associates(some of which have become friends over the years)
10. End of April he asks for divorce.
11. End of may he still denies everything.
12. He is barely home most days only comes to play with child for a bit or to take him to the park occassionally.
13. He basically ignores me other than when talking about child, but he does not pick up fights.
14. He does not care what else happens at home. He does pay the bills. Only if I ask him to buy/do something then he would do it.
15. He does not call during the day to check if son and I are even alive.
16. No remorse on his part as of now and now acknowledgment of his affair either.

Does this man feel any guilt/shame at all? He was never like this in 9 years(5 married) since we have been together. He was my best friend always talked about everything good or bad in our lives. I am just trying to find some explanation about his behaviour. Even though divorce was not what I wanted I have to preserve my dignity and stand up for myself and son. I think he has had more than enough time to come out clean one way or the other. I know that sometimes closure is not easy to find but I am hoping someone will shed some light on this one

My guess is the A is still going on and he is gaslighting you.....

With the exception of the denial and asking for a divorce, I could have written this post. How can he deny if you have emails proving the affair?

Assume he is deep under the fog of the affair. Is the divorce finalizing or has it been placed on hold? I suggest you move into Plan B asap, regardless.

(((NotReady)))

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The affair is still going on. My suggestion would be to ask him to move out and then send him a plan B letter. He is doing what we call "cakeeating" in that he has TWO women meeting his needs. He will keep this up as long as he can or until you have a nervous breakdown.

Plan B protects you from his abuse. This marriage is going nowhere except to a slow death of a thousand cuts until he a) ends his affair and b) commits to repairing your marriage. You are not safe around him until that happens.

Please pick up Surviving an Affair ASAP and read it so the things we are saying will make sense. They sell it cheap with cheap fast shipping on this website. Sorry you are here.

You don't need the denial of a liar to know the truth.

When he asked for divorce I asked for separation with the idea to give the affair time to burn out. However he wants to do quickie divorce here in CT. I wanted to go back to Canada and do separation there. We are on a work visa here, I am not allowed to work in the US. I am dependant on his visa.

In Ct you can actually get a divorce even if the other spouse does not agree. You can go back later to fight it but that's too expensive and overexhausting. I have a 18 month old child to take care of.

I have been back and forth to Canada in the last two months each time about 2-3 weeks away. That did not seem to bother him. He talks to the baby via Skype(baby just babbles really). Sounds like he thinks he can be the skype dad.

Right now my biggest priority is to secure financially my son's well being. Because in Canada I would have to start from zero. I left my career so he can have his.

And when I exposed his career lots of people in his industry now know what he did. I will see how his reputation fairs through all this. He is/was very well respected.

Would I ever take him back? I really don't know now. But if that happened it would be on my terms only. But I am also not going to sit around waiting for him. I am 36 years old, smart, attractive, hardworking and he is 42.

The other woman is 49, her husband is 43. He knows about the affair because I called him. He suspected so but he was already resigned about their failed marriage so he can't really be much help at this point. Their divorce is almost over.

I just don't want to go through anymore disrespect and humiliation. I never deserved any of this.

There is no one here who can't relate to the disrespect and humiliation you feel. The pain is unspeakable. Your WH has given you a get-out-of-jail-free card and you are certainly entitled to use it.

What you have to decide, though, is if you WANT the marriage to be dead and buried. Obviously, divorce will do that. If you'd rather save it, there is a specific plan to follow here on Marriage Builders. It isn't quick, and it isn't easy...but then, neither is divorce. And I imagine you'd prefer that your baby have a full-time daddy growing up.

Give yourself a little time to decide what you really want. In the meantime, educate yourself about the MB program for recovering your marriage, maybe even try Plan A and Plan B.

You can go to divorce at any point, but if you go there first, you'll never know if your marriage could have been not only saved, but made better.

There are plenty of folks here who will help you through this, whatever you decide.