What would you rather have? The chance for your husband to squirm(which BTW probably WON'T HAPPEN), or would you like to follow the advice from people who have saved their marriages or who have helped save countless others? It is your choice. It is YOUR life. Just want to be clear where you are with it.

I would say that you don't let on that you know about that contact YET and how you know about it. I would also say that when you talk to MIL again, you should tell her to do this whatever way she wants. You don't know how lucky you are to have IL's that WILL step in. Take them up on the offer.

What you should say to your WH's friends is simply and NOT vindictive. You simply say,

I do want to try to same my M.

So when do I confront him with this information? When it's way too late and too much damage has been done? (Like much more can be done)

Thanks
I'll TRY.

What is it that you think confronting him right now will do? You see you need to expose this A all over the place. You don't need to expose it to WH or OW, they already KNOW. Will he do things that hurt you? HE77 YES. He is a wayward and there are a LOT of things that he will do that will kill you on the inside. The thing is that you need to NOT react to it. You need to firm up YOUR plan and get MB working for you. You are in Plan A right? Do you have any questions on it?

When you do Plan A, it is done when there is an ACTIVE affair. Get that? ACTIVE. It is really hard, but it will give you GREAT benefits when you get into it. You will feel confident. You will LIKE who you ARE. Become the BEST wife and person you ARE.

Just to clarify, what evidence do you have of an ongoing affair? A couple of phone calls? That would be easy for them to explain it away, if they were to know about it. Do you have more? Have you done the VAR, etc. yet?

If you don't have more than that, I would say do not do anything yet. Keep quietly gathering evidence, and in the meantime, do a stellar plan A (which means - keep your emotions in check). I think you will need to go to plan B soon, all the more reason to do a really great plan A.

I don't think it's too late - I think you still have a chance, because he is still cake eating. So don't dwell on what damage has been done - focus on what you can do NOW.

feelinghurt,

You have done a fantastic job. #1) You got OW's name. This was crucial before you could move forward on your exposure. Yes!! 2) You have your in-laws' support and they are going to confront your WH. Perfect!!

BUT...confronting your H right now, you know he will just gaslight you and lie, right? Talking will not get you far with a wayward ~ and you are likely to love-bust him anyway, which will just push him more towards OW.

The better more effective option here is to do a stellar exposure and when he finds out about it ~ you cooly and calmly tell him you have proof the A hasn't ended...and that you are doing what you have to to save your M...

This is who else you should expose to:
~ your children
~ your parents
~ any close family or friends
~ pastor
~ OW's FB friends

Here is a FB exposure letter by MelodyLane :


How many FB friends did OW have? You may want to print the list of her friends in case she blocks you. Also it would be good to get the FB friends that look like relatives first.

movingforward, FH's H admitted to the year-long A, but she didn't expose at that time. She recently found out they are still in contact. We were encouraging her to find out who OW was before exposing.

I, too, just recently learned my husband was with OW for almost a year. A week after D-Day, I broke down and called my mom when I could not reach my friends. She told me that I had to get his parents involved. The next day we skyped with them and it was truly the first crack into his denial. He lived in complete fantasy. While only 5 weeks into this and still not with nc (because he is under contract and working with her in a public position but is working on getting out of the contract), the only thing that has helped us along has been letting others know what is happening. Family, friends, coworkers, and his boss all have been told the truth. Lastly, I agree with Jim's comments..the lies kept coming, even after D-Day. I learned so much by going through the cell phone bills, his emails, facebook. I felt disgusting having to do it but it was the only way I learned the truth. My thoughts are with you...

SQ, I got that, but my understanding was he claimed the A is over. Doesn't that mean she would need some more evidence that it is still ongoing first before exposing?

I don't know much about facebook . I made an account just to look her up. but I don't think I can see all of her stuff without being her "friend" ?? How much info will she get on me if I request to be her friend? No thanks.

I gave him another chance to tell me the truth about contact. I called her by name when I asked. I think it made him sick. I also told him that I knew whe was still married during this year long affair -- her divorce just was settled in Feb -- so he was no better than her. He now thinks I have hired a PI. I didnt' deny.

After what ended up being a huge LB talk session (I know, not good) he told me that he met up with her only to get his clothes back from her house. They met in a parking lot and he never got out of the car.

He also said that she has moved on -- how he knows this w/o talking to her, I don't know.

So many things point to the fact that the A is over ... but just as many point to the fact that it is not.

I can forget any truth sputtering from his mouth I guess.

Now i am wondering if her BIL told me all of that out of spite for him since he left OW ??? Regardless or why he told me -- at least I have more info.

Anyway, MIL needs to tell FIL for her own sanity. After that, I have no control.

If they saw each other...chances are they had SEX! Sorry to say, but its the truth. Never trust a wayward, you already know they contacted each other on the phone 3 times after his so called "no contact" have him do a polygraph, to get the truth out!

As far as I know, Harley advocates exposing even if the WS has agreed to end all contact because it helps to defog and also keeps him/her accountable and helps to keep the A from reigniting.

Her children (per Harley) definitely need be told as they probably know something is wrong but don't understand why.

ALSO I believe violating NC (which FH has proof of) is grounds for exposure in and of itself...

You don't need to "friend" OW. If you scroll down beneath her profile pic, you should be able to see her friends. YOu can click "see all friends" to see the whole list. Next to the friend should be a link to send them a message. Even if you don't want to send the letter to all her friends, it would be wise to send it to anyone with the same last name.

FH, you are in Plan C, Plan Confusion.

Are you here to work the MB plans? If so, we can help you.

Plan A = snooping, no lovebusters, trying to meet ENs, EXPOSURE. This is for a very short period of time to save your sanity (3-4 weeks).

If you are in Plan A, are you planning to expose to your children?

Then if your H doesn't agree to NC, 100% transparency, Harley's plan for Recovery, you move to Plan B.

FH, the longer you are in Plan C, the more confused you are going to become...the more you lovebust your H...the more attractive option OW becomes. We want to help you but you need to let us know what Plan you are following.

So I was trying plan A ... but I feel like I have been plan A my whole marriage (honestly, he has a GOOD life with me as his wife -- his A was over the fact that I don't make enough $ and he's frustrated with that - PLEASE).

It's been 2 months since dday. I thought the A was over ... but who knows. He broke NC, lied about it, etc. I really don't know what plan I am on now. A shameful plan C I think.

I snoop like a hound-dog, constantly.

ANY time I try to talk to WH about even repairing our marriage, things we would need to change/work on/do he sees it as a LB. Any thing except sweeping our problems under the rug is a huge LB for him.

I think once FIL finds out, any plan will be blown to bits. Things are definately going to get much worse before they get any better.

Do I still expose to his friends?
What if the A has stopped? Is there a plan to follow then?

I think I am in such a state of confusion with all that is going on I can't even think straight. I know I need to take a step back, take a deep breath and try to get back on track.

Yes expose to his friends. expose to anyone who would mean anything to your WH - friends, family, church people.

Part of Plan A is not talking about the marriage. I would wait until recovery to figure out what ENs needs to be met by both parties.

What's going to happen when FIL finds out? So he chews out your WH and your WH gets angry with you? Your marriage can withstand his anger.

FH, I would spend about one more week in Plan A and then separate and move to Plan B if he won't commit to a plan of recovery. It is not a "lovebuster" to work on the marriage; it should be the MINIMUM REQUIREMENT TO STAY WITH YOU. This is not negotiable. You don't negotiate away your mental health. I don't know where you got the idea any of this was negotiable.

The affair should be exposed everywhere to everyone NOW. Especially contact the OW's H and compare notes. [maybe others, I haven't read the whole thread] The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Exposure is the greatest tool you have to bring around recovery. You cannot afford to pass this up.

Then sit the boy down and have a come to Jesus with him. Tell him "this is what it will take for me to forgive you and be willing to stay in this marriage. I am willing to give you this opportunity. Otherwise, I know the marriage will not work and I want to separate:

1. end all contact for life with OM and send her a nc letter
2. be completely honest about your affair and answer all my questions
3. live a transparent life
4. no leisure time apart, no opposite sex friendships, no overnights apart
5. complete commmittment to the Marriage Builders program - sign up for the online program

Tell him this is the only way it will work and the only way you would consider a future with him.

Otherwise, you are going to damn yourself to a death of a thousand cuts. So far you have lowered the bar so low that he is only living DOWN to your expectations. Time to knock that crap off and start setting setting some standards here.

fh ~ I told you a few weeks ago that he was still in C, and I'm glad you have finally found out.

Here is a simple formula for you: two phone calls = A still on. Very simple.

Have you thought of hiring a PI? That would get you hard cold evidence very quickly.

If you have enough evidence, then you need to do massive, nuclear exposure. I'll link my exposure thread so you can see what it looks like.

Ok, here you go. Unfortunately you can no longer see the message board I exposed on from this link, but I responded to each and every poster very graciously...the few who were nasty I ignored and I thanked everyone else for their support.

Truly, massive exposure is your best friend right now. The A ended the day I did this exposure.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1832782&page=1

fh ~I suggest you change the title of this thread to "Need Help on Exposing" or something along those lines.

Just go back to your first post and click "edit" ~ you can change it from there.

My first post has no option for editing, so I can't change the thread title.

My kids know that my heart has been broken. And I told them that I am working hard to protect them and make the best life I can for them. They are 6 and have no understanding of what an A is.

Exposure is coming.

I know I need to UP my standards and be ready for plan B. I am trying to stay strong.

another question, if I expose on FB, can she sue me for slander or something?
OW has already threatened to file harrassment charges against me because my SIL called OW (I had previously txt her to see if she left something at my house, which I did find soemthing that wasn't mine,I was trying to see if WH was lying that she was only "allowed" in our downstairs) I know she has no justification for harrassment, but I think she wants to harm me any way she can.