Hi all,

I stumbled across this site while doing research on sepearation and thought I would post up my story and see what suggestions/ideas/comments others in similar circumstances might have.

Both my W and myself are 39..we have been together for 19 years (married for the last 12). We also have 2 kids 5 and 9.

Around this time last year my wife had to confess to me that she had cheated on me when someone who knew me/her sent here a text telling her to confess or I would be told. We don't know who it was, but that is another issue.

Anyway, she confessed, we did the whole marriage councellor thing and we were both determined that we could work this through.

As a bit of background, my W works in the education industry, so the vast majority of her work collegues (including her) are all very dedicated and passionate people. They work very hard on interpersonnal relationships and making good friends.

Back to the issue at hand. The W was out for a staff night out for end of semester, a few of them partied on afterwards, she ended up hooking up with a friend of one of her male work collegues that had joined them. This is what started it all and she reasoned that is was due to stress of work and our marriage up until then (almost living sepearte lives).

Over the past year since said event, we have been working hard on our marriage with plenty of good times and a feeling of making real progress in our relationship.

Over the past few months, I have noticed on my phone records, an ever increasing amount of text and phone calls between my W and the above mentioned male work collegue (who is married as well). I have also taken a peek at her emails and there is continued work banter between these 2 filled with sexual inuendo.

I have spoken to my W about it, and she says that he is only a frind, they are work collegues, she is his supervisior and is required to make frequent out of work hours contact with him, they enjoy the frequent chats because he is funny etc.

I have explained to her that I don't like it, however she feels she should be able to enjoy the out of work banter and I just have to learn to live with it. To make things worse, she deletes every incoming and out-going email/text.

I guess deep down, I know nothing is going on as I truely believe that she regrets what has happened, and she is just one of those people that need to have friends and converse with them, however we have an agreement in place that she comes home everynight, does work, and then switches off to come spend a little time with me.

Now to my questions to all of you

1. Am I being overy reactive to the fact that she says she needs to set aside time everynight to complete work, however half that time is spent sending emails back and forth to this male collegue (what she calls harmless banter) and then deleting them (I know how to recover her deleted emails BTW).

2. I understand she has work committments, and the past year has made her realise that she needs to slow down, turn off work and spend some time with me and the kids, however this time is limited as she is too tired from doing work to have quality time. Is it being unreasonable that I fight for this time for us?

3. How can I (if ever) feel like I can trust here again (I have tried so hard to do so), but have constant un-done all of the progress we have made because of my insecurity fears? She says and does all the right things to assure me that "I am the one", but I am obviously not at the point where I am willing to trust her fully.

I am seriously feeling the need that a sepearation may be the only option going forward. Not only for my benefit, but also for hers (in relation to me not bringing up things that send us backards). The biggest thing is...obviously the kids..

This might just be the easy way out???? I am confused and don't know what to do

I would appreciate any feedback from those of you who may have had something similar happen

Thanks

Help!!

Welcome, but sorry you are here. This sounds very fishy and very familiar to me. I would check the e-mails as well as cell phone records. This doesn't sound good to me. Mostly those who have nothing to hide don't mind you taking a look around.

Deep down ask yourself this question again.

My WW is in the same industry, she came home every night as well. This reeks to me. Take some time and read the info on this site. All WS play by the same script, you will be amazed.

Sounds like you have a good start on the snooping arena, from the evidence that you have gathered so far do you deep down know nothing is going on?

I am sorry that you are here, but if you want to save your marriage you have found the best possible place for recovery. Listen to the advice you get here.

Separation will just give your wife more time to be with the OM without you interfering, do you want that?

Read this.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

dunno, something IS going on, and you SHOULD NOT TRUST your wife RIGHT NOW. She admitted to an affair not so long ago, she is now exchanging sexually charged messages with an underling, and you're worried about your "insecurity" and that you're being "overly reactive"???? How can you not see what's going on?

You gotta wake up and smell the coffee, and quick!

It's clear that whatever you did to "work through" her past affair did NOT get her past her thinking she is entitled to get her jollies by letting other men meet her need for conversation, admiration, whatever. (I'm guessing it's Admiration, since her current interest in an underling. Read up on Emotional Needs here on the site. Better yet, order the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs.)

You must understand that the one universal law of infidelity is that someone having an affair (emotional or physical) will LIE. She KNOWS you are unhappy about this relationship, and she's telling you "you're the one" so you will back off and let her continue to enjoy whatever it is she is getting from this extramarital "friendship." It appears to you that she is only "chatting" with this guy, but you need to consider the real possibility that it is not only an "emotional" affair, but a physical one as well. If it isn't now, it soon will be if you don't take action.

Do NOT separate (unless you WANT a divorce, and it doesn't sound like you do). Read, read, READ all the material linked to the home page of this site. Pay particular attention to Plan A and Plan B. You MUST break up this "friendship," which is at the very least an emotional affair.

If you want a hope of reclaiming your marriage, you must STOP thinking of yourself as a husband who has no choice but to put up with what his wayward wife wants to do. Do NOT be a doormat and let her dangerous activity destroy everything you care about. She is not using her best sense right now; she is enthralled with the feel-good chemicals of an illicit relationship. She wants you AND this other person. That's a big marital NO NO and you must fight it.

You must take action--print out those emails she thinks she's deleted. Read up on the exposure part of Plan A and do what you have to do. Yes, you're scared, but your fear will send your marriage down the drain if you let it.

Please keep posting here, and listen to the folks who have been where you are, and reclaimed their marriages against all odds.

This is important, dunno. Don't mess it up.

Hello and welcome to the club.


Are you saying that your W continues to communicate and work with the person with whom she had an affair with? You cannot even start with recovery without NO CONTACT.

Anyway, step 1 from MB advice is gather the evidence (check) and expose the affair. Starting from OMW.

And do NOT tell you wife about this website and do NOT warn or threaten your W with exposure.

Read as much as you can from these forums, this is the best place for you in your situation. Start from the link now_what gave you above.

Stay strong.

Thanks for the advise so far..just wanted to clear one thing up..this guy she chats with is a work collegue..it was his friend she got with..

What makes things worse, it that the male work collegue has worked out that the W is having marital issues, and it has happened because of his friend, and feels bad about it, but finds it OK to chat with my W including all the inuendo

I'm in 2 minds weather to contact him and warn him off..but that has other obvious consequences

Please, do not warn OM2 beforehand. He will warn his W that some jealous nutjob thinks that he has an affair with his wife.

Start from OM2W. Then speak, if you want to, with OM2 that you are very serious.

Questions to clarify.

1) Is OM1 married? If yes, does his BW know about affair?
2) Are OM1 and OM2 friends?

I think you have cause to worry, It does not sound like all the texting is a friendship, you don't take that much time out of your life to contact a friend without getting something out of it....
That is how I found out about my husband's affair......texting, emailing turned into a full fledged sexual affair.......
He said she was just a friend he was helping with some problems she was having......she helped herself right to my husband....
Keep your eyes open, check and before you react get a plan.......
good luck and I'm sorry you find yourself in this position

You are being complacent and enabling your wife to carry on an adulterous affair right in your own home and the home of your children. You are contributing to the demise of your mariage and your children's family.

If this is an "innocent" friendship, then your wife should not object when you take all these emails right to the OM's wife tonight and tell her that her H is having an affair with your wife. Don't warn your wife, just do it. When your wife finds out, just tell her you were sharing the good news about the friendship with her lover's wife.

Then proceed to expose the affair to her workplace [Human Resources] your parents, her parents, close family and friends, the OM's facebook, and most importantly, YOUR CHILDREN. Your children need to be told the truth about what your wife is doing to their family. This way, your wife is not free to give them false explanations about her affair.


You are fighting for the wrong thing. You should be fighting the affair that is threatening your marriage. You are fighting to repaint the girls bathroom on the sinking Titanic.


You should not trust an untrustworthy person. That would be silly. You are rightfully "insecure," your wife is having an affair....right under your nose in the HOME of you and your children.


For the kids, how about standing up for your marriage instead of cutting and running? Instead of sacrificing your children's family on the alter of your wife's affair and your conflict avoidance, my suggestion would be to get up and start fighting for your family. YOU ARE ALL THEY HAVE, SIR.

You can't afford to be of "two minds" when it comes to protecting your family. What are the "obvious consequences??"

Let me guess, the consequence that your wife will be mad at you? Well, unless she can kick your [censored], that is no excuse to not do the right thing. If she was a falling down drunk would you fail to take away her car keys because she might get mad?

Expose the affair all over hell and back and then go confront this scumbag and tell him he IS TO NEVER CONTACT YOUR WIFE AGAIN BECAUSE HELL IS COMING. Here is the message you need to send to him: here

You, Sir, have a responsibility and obligation to protect your family. It is about time you stepped up to the plate.

Everyone knows about the affair and they are talking about it, I assure you. But because this person did not call you directly, you have the word of a liar to depend on. The affair is probably with the collegue she is talking to every day but they trotted out the other OM as cover.

I bet your wife knows who the message came from.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here







here

[quote=dunnowhattodo]1. Am I being overy reactive to the fact that she says she needs to set aside time everynight to complete work, however half that time is spent sending emails back and forth to this male collegue (what she calls harmless banter) and then deleting them (I know how to recover her deleted emails BTW).
You gotta love your gut. And your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

2. I understand she has work committments, and the past year has made her realise that she needs to slow down, turn off work and spend some time with me and the kids, however this time is limited as she is too tired from doing work to have quality time. Is it being unreasonable that I fight for this time for us? dunno, I've got a lot of friends who are teachers. I don't know of any who spend entire evenings, every evening, to 'complete work' while emailing other teachers, male OR female. Requiring family time is SO not unreasonable.

3. How can I (if ever) feel like I can trust here again (I have tried so hard to do so), but have constant un-done all of the progress we have made because of my insecurity fears? She says and does all the right things to assure me that "I am the one", but I am obviously not at the point where I am willing to trust her fully. You should NEVER trust her fully. That's one of the things that got you two to this point. Never completely trust your spouse. She "says" she's doing all the right things? What she says doesn't matter when it comes to this. If you are insecure (and BTW, from your story, you should be) you need to communicate that to her and she needs to respond.

I am seriously feeling the need that a sepearation may be the only option going forward. Not only for my benefit, but also for hers (in relation to me not bringing up things that send us backards). The biggest thing is...obviously the kids.. This is mighty soon in this whole thing - do you really want to chuck everything and destroy your children's family. Think again, dunno.

And herein lies the problem. The problem has not been "worked through" or you wouldn't be here today. The solution to adultery is to change the environment that enabled the affair. That means ending all opposite sex friendships, ending contact for life with the affair partner, AFFAIR PROOFING the marriage, and then enacting a program of recovery.

Nothing close to that has happened. There is no plan for recovery here so you are onto affair #2.

dunno, based on what you've posted it's pretty clear that your W is having at least an EA (emotional affair) which is very damaging and will more than likely progress to a PA (physical affair) without your intervention. You will need to help her end this.

First of all, have you read the articles on this site? Marriage Builders is a specific program for building great marriages after affairs. There is a specific path you will need to take to make this happen. And I'm sorry to tell you that you will be the one who will be doing the heavy lifting to end this A, at least in the beginning.

Scotty - where's your link for newly betrayeds? Darn, I've got to bookmark that. dunno, Scotty or another poster will be on here shortly with a link for you. Read everything on there. You'll have plenty of questions - ask away. We'll help you end this.

Say nothing to your WW about this site right now.

And although knowledge is a good thing, I'd avoid cruising separation websites right now until you've determined that separation is the only thing you want. It sounds to me like you want to save your M. So let's start here.

1. Am I being overy reactive to the fact that she says she needs to set aside time everynight to complete work, however half that time is spent sending emails back and forth to this male collegue (what she calls harmless banter) and then deleting them (I know how to recover her deleted emails BTW).No, you're not. What you've described bears hallmarks of an emotional affair. (An emotional affair may be best described as a physical affair that simply hasn't been consummated yet.) She is choosing banter with him over time with you. As you've already seen, some of the banter has a sexual edge. Neither your wife nor her work colleague have proper boundaries, and unless/until she does, your marriage is in danger.

2. I understand she has work committments, and the past year has made her realise that she needs to slow down, turn off work and spend some time with me and the kids, however this time is limited as she is too tired from doing work to have quality time. Is it being unreasonable that I fight for this time for us? For couples recovering from an affair, it is recommended that they spend a minimum of 15 hours/week in activities where they can give one another their undivided attention. 15 hours, while juggling kids & a career, is really hard to do - I know b/c my wife & I have done it. If your wife has spare time for "banter", chances are she's not making the necessary effort.

3. How can I (if ever) feel like I can trust her again (I have tried so hard to do so), but have constant un-done all of the progress we have made because of my insecurity fears? She says and does all the right things to assure me that "I am the one", but I am obviously not at the point where I am willing to trust her fully. Why should you trust her? She has weak boundaries around the opposite sex, and continues to continues to insist upon secrecy in her relationships (deleting e-mails, etc.) People without stuff to hide, don't hide stuff. The issue does not seem to be your "insecurity."

I am seriously feeling the need that a sepearation may be the only option going forward. Not only for my benefit, but also for hers (in relation to me not bringing up things that send us backards). The biggest thing is...obviously the kids.
This might just be the easy way out???? I am confused and don't know what to do

I would appreciate any feedback from those of you who may have had something similar happen.

dunno,
I'm writing to you from the vantage & hindsight of a person who got into an emotional affair, where I was engaging in "harmless banter" with a married female acquaintance. My wife never had reason to suspect me, because I'd always behaved in a trustworthy manner. However, when I started having e-mail conversations with a colleague on my church music team, stuff happened that no one who knew me would ever have bet upon. We started talking just about the music we were working on [so it was "work-related" just like with your wife]. It went from there to talking about music we liked in college, our life histories, kids, child-rearing issues, family issues... her complaints with her marriage... Lovely progression of topics, eh? See, I failed to cut it off, because I liked the attention. I started to like how interested she was in my life, in my opinions. I liked the fact that she'd e-mail me any time of day. The fact that it was all secret from my wife emboldened me to keep the conversations going. I let it happen, and I was in a full-blown emotional affair before the banter ever got sexual. Once it got sexual, it was just a matter of time...

And if anyone had called me on it back then, when it was just e-mails, you bet I would've denied that there was anything improper/untoward going on. Maybe I'd have cut it off if I'd gotten caught/flagged early enough, because at the outset, I wasn't looking for an affair. But when opportunity came knocking, I answered. And it went all the way to a physical affair... 10 & a half weeks that changed my life forever, and my wife's life, too.

In the end, I've been real lucky. My wife had enormous strength, patience and love, and we got a lucky hit on a marriage counselor (one who came down hard on me for my lack of boundaries -- something it seems your counselor didn't do with your wife, BTW); and we've saved our marriage. But before you have a chance to save your marriage, you have to kill the affair. And have no doubt: an affair is what your wife is in. If your wife & this guy have established enough emotional intimacy for there to be sexual banter, then it's way past the point of ambiguity. Your wife is not being honest about her feelings. If she's being nice to you, it's because she's "having her cake" (the marriage to you) and "eating it too" (her work-boyfriend on the side), at least emotionally.

You'd better snoop, expose, come down hard on this, if you want to fight for your marriage. Your wife has to cease contact with this guy now & permanently. If it means a job change, so be it. Their supervisors need to be told. Take this seriously, don't chalk it up to "insecurity."

What in the world are you talking about?? She's engaging in courtship behavior with another man. She's dating him. Is that okay with you? Is that "nothing" to you?

It's okay with you for her to engage in courtship behavior with other men as long as she doesn't actually sleep with them? Is it okay if she shows them nude pictures or allows them to view her nude as long as they don't sleep together? Is foreplay all right as long as they don't actually have intercourse?

Are you really saying that, to you, NOTHING is going on, as long as they aren't having relations?

It is not true that there is nothing going on. Here's a list of things I think are going on; at least two of them are definitely happening, because you've told us they are:

* your wife is dating another man
* your wife is in an emotional affair, an affair that hasn't progressed to intercourse
* or your wife is in a physical affair and has had intercourse or other sexual relations

None of that sounds like "nothing" to me.

The order here is very important. Please don't screw it up by doing the second before the first, even though it probably sounds really exciting.