So what you're saying is... more like this? -->

Ha, I've always wanted to use those smilies. Thanks for the opportunity, Lil - and the welcome!

Glad you're here. There are some crazy people here - not me of course.

Then I will fit right in!

Hi B_S - long time no see
glad you are joining us in recovery;
its much quieter and calmer, in my opinion
well except for all the crazies over here but i am definitely NOT one of them

ok, i am. i lied. lol

Hi ivetz! I can see the Recovery crowd is a rather staid bunch of old fogies...

I lurk more than I post, and tend to hit up my thread only when I have questions/notions bugging me or am having one of those crazy emotional moments/days. Hopefully that style fits in w/ the Recovery forum!

Also: it looks like things continue on the up and up for you and your H - I'm glad!

Hi BS

Yes you definitely fit here well.
Glad you are here

I have read some of your posts B_S2008, and there , at least to me ( and I could be wrong) seems to be a real sense of "desperation on your part. i can understand that, but I'm concerned that if my interpretation of your feelings are correct, and you and your husband are able to reconcile, what will happen when this sense of "desperation" is no longer there? That's what I'm worried about with my husband- he cheated, I found out, he was facing the idea of his family being shattered, and it terrified him. We are back together, but now that things are "settling down' a bit, what will happen? Will he simply fall back into the old routines that alowed the whole crisis to happen in the first place? That's what I worry about for you when I read your posts.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you can't change- it sounds as if it was much more of a ' things were comfortable and I thought they were okay" thing that a fundamental personality flaw in you. you sound like a decent person who really wants her family to be together and is trying hard, even though it must be really painful for you, to make it happen. As weird as it may sound, I am finding out that, even though I didn't cheat on my husband, and nothing excuses his behavior, if I want things to work then I have to hold up my end of things too, and carry myy share of the load. your husband will have to do that too- even though he is probably vrey hurt and very angry ( i know I am)

I really do hope you are able to work things out and be happy.It sounds like you really do love your husband- it's too bad there wasn't some way that he could see that without his sight being clouded by hurt and anger.

i dont know why this assessment of BS bothers me.

maybe i am just out to lunch right now. i'll re-review later.

I was one of those "desperate" BS's who wanted nothing more than to recover my M. Looking back now at those early months after D-Day with nearly 3-1/2 years' perspective, I understand what coldinthenorth means. I worked SO hard for SO long before my FWH "got" it that discouragement was a part of my daily reality.

When my boat was finally "righted," I did sometimes wonder whether I'd made the right choice...what I'd done all that for. Happily for me, my FWH and our M, that was about the time he actually DID begin to get it. And he started showing me. It was a very difficult couple of years, but we are finally good. *I* am finally good.

The BS heals when the WS "gets" it, and does what he/she is supposed to do long enough and well enough that trust is restored and the BS's resentment fades. And sometimes that takes a long time indeed.

And the BS must do his/her share.

t/j

waving to rightherewaiting

end t/j

coldinthenorth -

"Desperation" is an appropriate term, and that very correctly describes many of my posts. However, (there is always a 'but' - or, I guess, a 'however'!), I tend to post on my thread when I'm experiencing one of those really low lows on the recovery rollercoaster. That means I'm feeling/acting/trying to contain my emotionally crazed self, and it certainly can come across as desperation. It also does no favors to my BH - he tends to be portrayed in a much more dire and uncommitted light than is really the case.

While this type of desperation is, as you allude to, a motivator (e.g., to end the A, change, actively do "whatever it takes" to recover), such desperation also reflects a degree of emotional immaturity - and, really, overall maturity - that engenders doubt and insecurity re: the ability to affair-proof and protect the M.

I cannot speak to what will happen w/ your FWH now that things are "settling down," (and thus you worry about losing the immediacy of that desperation as motivation) but it is something that my BH and I are aware of and have discussed several times. I don't want to get complacent and risk a repeat of our "Summer of Fun" (as we like - not really - to call it). The big thing to take away is that, yes, desperation when you're faced w/ losing everything you hold dear is a powerful motivator for change, but you have to couple that w/ the lessons and precautions and self-discovery to be able to make that a lasting change.

So ... I think my "desperate" posts are more the product of the emotions of recovery w/ what I did, and are not always an accurate portrayal of the state of things here. (I'm using a lot of words to not say much, aren't I? )

Oh, and one other note: a fair number of posts were lost in the recent server crash/file corruption, and there were (believe it or not!) some there that weren't quite so rife w/ desperation and woe is me and the sky is falling theatrics. Things are settling down a bit here, too, and I now tend to keep it together more than not.

Would you characterize your FWH's desperation any differently? Does he do anything in particular that worries you re: his ability to protect the M?

ivetz, do you mean BS as in "betrayed spouse," or B_S as in me? If it's me, here are my thoughts on being unsettled reading posts...

I sometimes read other posts and am unsettled by them because I'm fearful of the A happening all over again. Let me explain.

Never, not in a million years, at the time of the A did I think I would ever be that person. Certainly, looking back now, I can see where I had weak boundaries, I can trace a very obvious erosion of boundaries, lack of extraordinary care of my BH/M, flaws in myself, etc. It's only after the A that I see these things, though, and see that I was a person capable of that - in short, I didn't know myself AT ALL, and there are some posts that hit me a certain way and make me think "Wait, what if that's me too? What if I am capable of that? What if, what if, what if?"

A prime example of this is one of my emotionally crazy posts earlier on this thread, and SugarCane promptly reminded me to stop creating problems, stick w/ learning and making positive progress, and, in short, stop being a ninny. So I try to do that.

Or...maybe by your post you meant you're more optimistic for me and more confident in my ability to recover than the original post may have suggested?

Or...maybe you meant BS as in "betrayed spouse," and then just disregard what I've previously written.

I can't seem to type a concise post. Gah!

#1 - H asked me the other night about SF. Specifically, he asked what changed re: my approach/willingness between pre-A and post-A. My response was that I had failed to give SF its full importance pre-A, and instead treated it as more of a physical need that didn't take precedence over that many things. (Not entirely, but it was mostly relegated to a physical act for either me or H at my "deigning.") Now it's quite the opposite, and SF is much more about the emotional connection, making sure his (and my!) needs are met, valuing the experience and showing him that.

On to the question: when I asked him if anything was different re: SF for him, he gave the opposite answer. Pre-A, there was much more of an emotional component to it. Post-A, it's really just satisfying a physical need for him.


#2 - I (and I think my BH, haven't asked him about this yet) still spend a lot of time grieving. We'll never have the M we did, and while it wasn't great, it was good in ways that we don't have now (e.g., trust, purity, dreams/goals).



So... Anybody have any similar experiences? How did it fit into your recovery? Do those feelings change? (I suspect they will always linger for both of us, but will they have more of an occasional, background-type presence?) Any other thoughts anyone wants to include?

bs2008

Marriages are healed as are people. People are left with a scar that can be seen. An affair leaves a scar. An invisible scar. Though it is still seen. Time causes one to not notice this scar just as other scars. Though with all scars they get noticed from time to time and one triggers.

You will never have your old marriage back. You will never have the old trust level back. You can come close to achieving the old level of trust though by working at rebuilding it.

What are you doing to repair this trust?

And, there is no reason why you can not dream together for the future. Your BH may not be able to go back to the old one's.

So just build new one's.

Last, recovery takes two to five years. Things can be good but they will never go back to the way things were.

TheRoad - thank you for the gentle reminder that things can get better. I have patience and hope for what I call our "20 years down the road" life - I just wish sometimes that it was here already.

To repair trust, I'm employing EPs and exercising RH. You're right that the old level of trust will never come back, and even Dr. H says we should not place that type of blind trust in our spouse - it's something to grow accustomed to, like a scar.

H and I have talked a bit about this: our M is better in some ways now, and it could continue to improve; however, no matter how good it gets we don't know how it could be "worth" the pain of adultery.

Sorry, I'm usually more upbeat than this. (Because I try not to dwell on things w/ negative and/or unchangeable answers to them... ) Just a few down days on the rollercoaster.

Not much to update other than the new display name. It's a 'joke' in reference to that nauseatingly juvenile, self-centered, and hurtful way in which waywards are wont to express themselves whereby, during my A, I complained that I "couldn't just have vanilla."

Yeah... Here, allow me:

So that's that, fyi! I will most likely now continue to lurk like the best of 'em, and throw in my mostly unnecessary and personal experience-heavy $.02 here and there.

Did the divorce go through?

Have you remarried?

The (legal) divorce did go through, though the legal paperwork is the only change in the M. Religiously we are still married, still acting married, still attempting recovery, still parenting, still ... well, everything. Just in the eyes of the government we are no longer married.

H and I "joke" about our marital status occasionally, (in the way that sometimes our only healthy recourse is humor), so the bonding over divorce is a silver lining... ?

Just keeping this around.


Thread here.

Infrequent update. I lurk quite a bit, randomly post now and then, but rarely update here because there doesn't seem to be anything different or beyond what seems to be par for the course.

This is pretty much in keeping with that. BH and I were talking last night - a harder talk than we have had in a while - and I realized that it's been just over a year and a-half since D-day...and yet, it feels like ages. I still have hope that the rest of our lives can be better, and that he will feel happy again one day, yet it is hard - especially for him, obviously - to agree when it seems like our life has become nothing but surviving the aftermath of my infidelity. In particular, he feels no joy, no happiness, no sense of wanting to take on life and succeed. His drive from before is dampened/gone. He's giving and giving for the kids, and feels his life holds nothing of joy for himself.

We are talking about making some big life decisions. BH changing careers, partly because of general dissatisfaction with where he is now, moreso for a new start after the A. We are quite financially stable w/ where he is now, so it makes the career jump a more scary consideration.

This summer I have to submit my final decision re: medical school. We are both reluctant to let it go - not because either of us are dying for me to be a doctor, (although it does give BH some comfort and insurance against those who would judge him that I would have a way to take care of myself/the kids if/when he leaves), but because it's that we'd be letting go of a safety net.

Ugh. It's an impossible situation.