He tells me he loves me; tells me he wants to be only with me; says its over with OW, her last day at work is Sat. 10/30; wants all of us to always be together; we sleep in each other's arms every night and he sweetly makes love to me; he wants to grow old with me; before discovery he ignored me and always picked fights with me, now he comes over and kisses me and hugs me. WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT ALL THESE WONDERFUL, POSITIVE THINGS AND PUT THE OTHER STUFF BEHIND ME...such as:<BR>He has Mondays off and so does she; she only lives 10 minutes away; she is divorced, lonely and is very attached to my husband; before discovery (2 months ago) he always referred to her as his best friend; Only two months ago wanted to ship me and the kids off to Europe for 12 days so he could be alone with her and spend nights with her; Only two months ago she went with him to a smoking cessation session and then both planned to go to Boston together to see this other therapist about smoking cessation, lied to me about this and tried to tell me that BOTH of her parents were also going to Boston, at this point I told him to stop lying; I have a problem accepting its really over, I just don't believe it; In the past he always referred to President Clinton as "stupid" because he had too many girlfriends, he should have "just one"; I don't believe he and OW are just going to stop this because I know about affair; I don't believe my husband has a conscience when it comes to her; She completely took over, he even talks/uses the same words she uses in conversations; it drives me insane; I keep lovebusting and accusing him of now sleepig with her on his day off, which is a legitimate concern. I explained that since he lied to me for months and slept with both of us for months, its really difficult for me to simply believe him and start trusting him again...he tell me to "forget about it"...I told him its not so easy to do. When you have been burned, its very difficult to get anywhere near the fire again...its too painful. Its hard for me to describe how much I love him, yet I can't bring myself to trusting him, this trust thing is killing me, I don't want to be lied to anymore, and he can't have both of us.

If it really over with the OW...<P>How about making a schedule... to keep him occupied... so there will be no time for him and the OW. Dr. Harley suggests it in SAA. Make him call you... during specail parts of the day... make sure he is available other parts (for your suprise calls.) Plan your time with him... so he has no chance of having any time with her!<P>If my wife ever comes back... that is something I will definitely be doing... assuming she says it's over too.<P>Prayers and best wishes...<P>Jim<BR>-------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

NSR Already took a couple of Mondays off as vacation days...asked boss if I could work an extra hour per day and be off half day on MOnday but, he can't allow me to do that...Husband says my mistrust makes him feel like a prisoner that he can't ever go to the store, he can't deal with this. He challenged me to hire a PI to have him followed (but he knows they are expensive and he things I am bluffing...and won't really go that far), he challenged me to go undercover myself and follow him and always tells me that If I mistrust him so much then I should stay home to keep an eye on him (but he knows I will not be allowed to do this or can I afford to quit my job)...so...he is free as a bird...on his day off...with his GF...and I will never know the truth...and I will never have peace of mind......

Sadforever,<P>I know your pain. This is how my relationship is going with H. The OW has been gone from work for 4 months now and H keeps telling me he wants only me and is definitely reacting different to me than he ever did. In the beginning he told me he wanted to be with her and was very willing to let me go. He has his best friend now with OW. I cannot seem to get over the past either. Some days are much easier than others, but I wonder how long will I let this go on. I try not to do any love busting. He hates to discuss the past with OW and sometimes I feel the need to.<P>I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and we just need to work one day at a time and I think this mistrust will fade. I still check up on him, but have not found anything. I know eventually I will feel much better about all of this. I don't think it will ever go away totally, but I think we may get to a point where it is just a hazy memory. I look forward to that day!

It takes time. Keep up the Plan A. In time he will either slip up or you will come to find that even though you secretly watch him behind his back from time to time, nothing is happening because you have no evidence of anything happening, and that he's putting so much time and attention into your marriage you'll begin to trust again. Of course you will never blindly trust again, but you will trust again. You are only 2 months into it, and I was one anxious/depressed mess at that time. It takes time to feel that things are finally right between the two of you.<P>In the mean time, schlop up all that love and attention that he needs to give to you as often as you can, and find ways to give it back. Make sure that you really know what his life was missing during that period, and fill him up. In time you'll find yourself checking up on him less and less. But that's months away, and don't worry that you're not at that stage yet. <P>It's important not to accuse him of still sleeping with her. You don't want him to think that since you accuse him of it, he might as well do it anyway. It's okay to tell him that you worry about it and need him to reassure you that it's just the two of you. If he's like my H, he realized that it was me he wanted all along, but didn't know how to get it back to good, if I can steal a line from a song. Once we both knew that that's what we wanted, we had to figure out what was missing from our lives, and not ignore it anymore. <P>So much good is happening to you right now if you'll just let it. Only later can you look back and see.<BR>

sadforever,<BR>Did he officially end it with her? End it so YOU know it has ended, as Dr Harley suggests, with a letter that you have seen him mail? <P>What you seem to be missing is closure. It's hard to take that big breath and that giant step forward to rebuilding if you're not sure it's over.

I hope it is all over with OW. If he wants it to be that is a huge step forward, I'm sure you have read in other posts how hard actually breaking all contact is for the betrayer even when they know they must.<P>You simply can not trust yet, and either of you expecting you to is absurd. It would be like expecting a person with a broken leg to get up and walk on it before it was healed.<P>My personal opinion is that the trust issue is almost a self preservation instinct at first...almost primal.<P>If he continues to be accountable, your fears may start to lessen, but trust takes time to rebuild.<P>I can say I trust my H, I believe he is truly remorseful and I think he learned enough not to get sucked in again.<P>However, even after 10 months, I feel afraid at times. The difference now is that I can confidently label those fears as irrational and move past them.<P>My H had to show a lot of consistant actions before I had enough good will to be able to get to this point.<P>My heart goes out to you.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks to all....what a great bunch of friends you all are....<P>cracker----I want this to become a fading memory real soon. I do feel better than I did when I first discovered all this. At that point I got so crazy I wanted to kill myself, kill him, kill her, we broke dishes, I hit him, I told him I never should have married him and it was all a mistake, I told him he was the worse person on earth, I threatned to leave, and picked up the phone to call the real estate, I slept on the couch for a while, but realized I could never really do that and I was being irrational....now those thoughts have been replaced with "let's work things out"; "let's try to make a new start"; and eventually I would like to be able to trust him a little more.<P>Leah----you are right---keeping up with my accusations will not get me love points, but to some extent its working....I called the house today...its Monday so he is home and I am at work...his mother is staying with us for a while and she told me that he just went to the bank and then he was taking her to the store...so...he will not have time for OW today...he is being good...today.... BUT ...<BR>I really hate to love bust....I rather cuddle up....I love cuddling up with him....its the best feeling in the world.<P>Nerlycrzy --- thanks for your suggestion...I did not suggest the letter because I don't think he will agree to do that, he hates to write...he wants me to simply accept that its over...when I asked him for the words he used when he broke it off he was non-specific...he just said he let go of the affair...day by day....<P>FaithHopeLove ---- Just like you, 10 months down the road I will be wondering if its really over with those two....I will always be afraid it isn't....I will always be afraid that just as I refused to give him up...she will not want give him up...<P>God Bless you All and may He give you the strength you need to survive this.<BR>