BH: 56
WW: 53
Married 25 yrs.
No children.
EAs & PAs 11 & 10 yrs ago
Some discovery at the time, more discovery about them since May 16, 2010.
Exposure about one PA about 10 years ago (to WW alone).
Current EA discovery May 16, 2010
Read Surviving an Affair (June 1 2010, related MB web materials the week or two before).

To make a long story less long, around 10 to 11 years ago my WW engaged in a lot of cyber sex on the internet, some eventually became physical. During part of this time we were separated (not legally). While WW was open about some of the cyber sex before she moved out (opposite ends of a duplex). I snooped her PC and found evidence of more cyber sex and physical sex. I don�t know if she realizes that I did this and that I know as much as I do (I�m sure I don�t know everything). The only evidence of physical sex that WW knows that I saw was a photo of her with OM that OM e-mailed her. She had read it on my PC and deleted the photo but forgot to empty the trash folder. I was going to empty the trash when I saw a filename I wasn�t familiar with, opened it, and voila! Not snooping but an accidental discovery this time. I confronted WW, she didn�t deny it, of course, but said that it was over and we agreed to go on. Things did seem to get better. We gradually ended our separation, I lost my parents over the last five years, including a three+ year period of dementia with my mother. She was very supportive. Now WW is frequently affectionate, tells me that she loves me. I inherited my parent�s house where WW is staying and organizing as we plan to live there. I�m in our old duplex during the week near my work. The duplex is in disrepair so renting it is not possible. I join her on the weekends. There are also two large dogs at my parents who cannot be kept at the duplex. We care for them as part of the provisions of my parents� will. I know that this makes a 2nd secret life easy.

Within the last three weeks, I made an accidental discovery (wasn�t snooping) that WW is having EA/cyber sex with at least two persons that go back to the first round. I�ve since been snooping. I do not know if WW has ever had PA with either of them. Some of her messages involve recounting PAs from 10 years ago (as cyber sex stories) so I�ve learned more about that time, too. Now it�s e-mail (including an ipod that she can hold in the palm of her hand while we are sitting on the same couch) and cell phone and texting. I�ve just seen some of the e-mail. WW sends naked and suggestive pictures of herself. I made the naked pictures a couple of weeks before my discovery. WW had bariatric surgery 2 yrs ago, has lost almost half of her original weight and said she wanted pictures of herself for herself as parts of her body �felt different� and she wanted to �see what she looked like�. Gullible. Her e-mail containing the pictures indicates that the pictures were planned for the OM all along.

WW has been open that she is communicating with them (and has been for years) but does not suggest that there is anything sexual or emotional beyond friendship. Cell phone and texting records regarding who called who are easy but don�t indicate content. We had a 500 texts a month plan for over a year and exceeded it, I think, only once before. Last month went over (800+ texts in 3 weeks). I asked why the increase. She said that these two friends and a female friend weren�t with our carrier so the count went up. Since these all were �friends� that she had talked/texted with before the increase that didn�t answer my why question, of course. This was before my discovery.

Part of me wants to simply ask if she has sent the pictures I took to anyone. This would give WW an opportunity to be honest and a doorway to perhaps start recovery. But if she lies, I don�t know that I can do anything but reveal the evidence and say quietly �We�re done�. I am sure that she will see my snooping as dishonesty, any suggestion or expectation that she have NC with her OM (plural) as a selfish demand and/or disrespectful judgment (a love buster that I am guilty of). I love her and want to rebuild. I did the crying and begging depression ten years ago. I�m probably more devastated this time. But it�s a much quieter, stoic depression now. I want no one else, have no plan B vision for the future, but if she is unwilling to try to rebuild with me, I�m may be too tired, too close to withdrawal. I know this isn�t the MB way so I need some advice.

I�ve omitted my own many failures and love busters which helped make these affairs possible. I am aware of some of them and am trying, especially since discovering MB, to work on them.

First off, I wouldn't recommend "asking her questions" in a cat and mouse game to see if "she will be honest." You already know she is not honest, so why not skip the games and get to it?

Don't ask a wayward anything and give them an opportunity to lie, simply tell them that you know. You don't need the admission of a liar to know the truth.

The next problem I see here is that you have irrational views about snooping. Snooping is NOT "dishonest." Are the police being immoral when they wiretap a drug dealer? It is the same with your wife. Since she is your wife, you have a right to know every thing she does. And especially since she has cheated before, you have been DERELICT in your duty to snoop all these years.

It is not "dishonest" to catch someone lying and cheating, it is dishonest to lie and cheat.

Just think what you could have prevented if you had been snooping all along?

In your case, the first thing I would do is slap a keylogger on her computer and have daily reports sent to a new webbased email address. the best one is eblaster at spectorpro.com.

Then set her down and show her your evidence and tell her this has to stop. Make it a boundary that she never be on the computer again without you sitting by her side.

I would then do now what should have been done years ago, and taht is recover your marriage. That means affair proofing it by never spending the night apart, never being on the computer alone and using the MArriage Builders program to fall in love again.

CSA, exposure means to expose to family, friends, and spouses of her lovers. The wayward already knows about her affair.

MelodyLane,

Thank you for responding. One thing: I don't think snooping is dishonest; "I am sure that she will see my snooping as dishonesty".

Of course she does. And child molestors view molesting as a worthwhile activity. It doesn't matter what how a dishonest spouse views snooping, what matters is what IS.