You got it, Still!

I am continuing being vigilant and watching WH. I just get so tired of it sometimes, this whole A and the fact that I HAVE to be watching him at all.... I climb in bed at night and look at him and think, "You f-ing traitor, how could you do that to me and our family?" I never say anything, he has no idea how angry I still am at him.

Anyway, time to focus on Plan A and the baby. Got the baby room painted this weekend, so now all that's left to do is set the crib up, and decorate a little. And SHOP for the little one!!!!

Its good, keep yourself busy with things that make you happy...every day that passes in Plan A with no AOs or LBs is one more day closer to R of your marriage....

Just avoid love busters, try to meet his emotional needs (that you have gauged from your side) and whether he is still in the affair or not......

you are laying groundwork for him to lust for you again.

He is in a mess of his own making and probably confused about his own rollercoaster of emotions and you can not do anything about that but be the best new petals you can be.

Snoop for contact but move forward with your very best wifely life.

Be beautiful and womanly in this last weeks of this pregnancy. Be the best essence of who you can be.

NP --

The fact that he is on board with Steve Harley is AWESOME!
Steve will have exactly the right approach. Did Steve have any advice specifically for you?

Honey -- your husband is in severe withdrawal right now.
Don't expect ANY of your needs to get met right now. Make your Taker quiet down.

Everyone is exactly right -- Plan A, meet his needs, but keep a careful eye out for contact.

If he suddenly seems in a great mood -- WATCH OUT.

He seems to respond very well to Steve, but at the same time he is still VERY thick in the fog. I think he still believes that he could go back to OW if our marriage didn't work out. He told Steve he would write a NC letter but he says to me he's not ready to do that, so I can only assume if there IS NC, it's a temporary thing in his head. I am leaving Steve to deal with that, though, instead of pushing it myself. Steve will be able to filter whether he's honest or not. For myself, Steve says just wait for now, as I'm the "patient" here, so there's not much for me specifically to do other than Plan A my heart out.

He hasn't seemed in a great mood. He is masking it very well, but I know my husband, and I know that there is still something huge preying on his mind (most likely OW). Which is good, I think, because it means she is not meeting the needs he turned to her for. He's very gradually talking to me more, but it's still a long way off from being how it used to be.

Just wanted some opinions on what's been happening the last couple days. I mentioned the rage I've been feeling, and maybe this has contributed to it, but since our appointment on Friday when Steve told WH it's up to me to create an environment where he can fall in love with me, instead of trying to be in love himself, WH's attitude shift is almost palpable. It's like he switched off and is just sitting back waiting for me to make the magic happen. Here's what I see:


1) He refuses to write a No Contact Letter, even though he told Steve he would, which indicates to me that he's not sincere about permanently ending contact with OW, that it's just temporary.
2) He asks me to be "neutral" about our marriage, which is ridiculous to me.
3) He gets upset when I ask questions and avoids answering them
4) He wants to spend very little time with me, and the time he does spend with me he doesn't seem interested in talking to me.
5) He didn't answer his phone for hours yesterday, and historically this means he's with OW.
6) He says things to me like, "I don't want to hear your voice 15 times a day," to explain why he isn't answering his phone, which is mean, and when we do talk on the phone he seems in a rush to get off.
7) He says he doesn't love me, and isn't interested in being intimate with me. Even when he gets in bed he lies far away from me and doesn't touch me.
8) He is disinterested in me in general.

What this indicates to me is that he is NOT sincere about our marriage, and it's only a matter of time until he says he wants to leave again. Very possibly he is still in contact with OW. Or is this just withdrawal?? Feeling very down today.

What are your thoughts?

Ugggghhh!!! He needs to write that no contact letter....What a jerk...Okay anyway...I have not been in R and I can barely remember my plan A (my WH never stopped contacting OW). So I dont know if this is normal WH behavior for actual R....I mean I think you should be prepared that he is still seeing OW, esp since he refuses to write NC letter...

Oh, NP, I hate that he is doing this to you....Just keep up your Plan Aing as best as you can right now....Do you have another appt with Steve?

Sorry NP but the bar is low so you get what you've got.

Kinda disappointed to hear that Steve told him that. Did you hear that from Steve or from WH? That just gives him an excuse to do exactly what he is doing....which is nothing.

Plan B. A REAL Plan B. It's well past time.

Do you plan to continue in this mode right up until you go into labor with lil bean?

Mmmmmm, good point mindshare......Did WH tell you that Steve said this or did you actually hear that from Steve?

I think that your WH is biding his time until after the baby is born because he wants to be in the delivery room with you to see the baby born.

I think I'd put in an emergency call to Steve and let him know what's going on. You may need to go ahead with Plan B.

Steve told me that he had talked to WH about the NC letter and had gotten an agreement from him to write it. Just talked to WH and he said he would write the letter, so I'm at least definitely going to push that to be sent tonight. We finally got a copy of SAA, and Steve said to lift the letter right off the pages and not to change it at all.

I kind of gave up trying to figure this out on my own, and was just going by what Steve told me to do. And Steve said, that at this point, WH has recognized the need to repair the wound he's done, and now we need to get on with him actually repairing it (we have another session tomorrow morning with him), and in the meantime I do NOTHING. He said after the wound has been treated by WH, then we go ahead with recovery, but at this point all I can do is sit tight.

I want to bring these things up to Steve tomorrow and get his opinion on this. To be honest, I am feeling like Plan B is the way to go. What's confusing me is that even Steve knows right now that the love for me isn't there from WH right now, but we're going to work on that, and his distance could just be withdrawal - he said WH would be distant and mean while going through it. I was hoping to get some insight as to whether this is withdrawal or insincerity.

I agree with LC. Did Steve tell you these things or did your WH tell you his version of what Steve said?

Oh....and yes, it's Steve that said the whole thing about it being up to me to create the environment for him to be in love with me. We each talked to him separately and he gave us the same rundown of his principles. He said it's all about how others treat us, and when we get that treatment from a certain person, that's when we can fall in love with them, but it's up to us to accept that treatment and love or not to. So it's up to each of us to create an environment where our spouse can be in love with us....basically, the responsibility is on me for WH to love me, and vice versa.

Sounds to me that a bottle of 20-year old Domaine Roman�e-Conti was poured into the 'ol wayward filter and Carlo Rossi was pissed back out.




Sounds like continued contact to me. He has probably told her to disregard the letter should it ever come.

I never thought of that....in that case what good is an NC letter in ANY case?

A NC letter is only good when the WS wants to recover the marriage and is sending it out of their own sincerity. A forced or coerced NC letter is pointless....

"Sounds to me that a bottle of 20-year old Domaine Roman�e-Conti was poured into the 'ol wayward filter and Carlo Rossi was pissed back out."

Chrisner, could not have been said any better than that!!!!

In any case NP, if I were you I would write everything down that you want to present to Steve tommorrow.....Hang in there, sweetie.

I will bring this up with Steve tomorrow. I know yes, it's my responsibility to make myself able to be loved, but I have a hard time accepting that WH has no part to play in this. Unless Steve is getting to that....

I can see Steves point in saying that to you. I just dont see his point in telling WH that....It just feeds into his "Ill sit back, let NP do all the work and if im not happy ill just cut and run."


Its like us BSs know that we have to do most if not all of the work at first....but does the WH need to know that?