feelinghurt,

I'm not a lawyer but I do know that it's not libel (or slander) if it's true.

(Slander is spoken, libel is literary).

OW is just trying to frighten into not exposing because you are spoiling all the fun and busting up the cheaters' fantasy. That's all it is.

I am always outraged when I hear about an OW or OM who threatens harassment. Who's harassing WHO!? (okay, 'whom' but allow me my rant ) I can't believe the cojones of those people, to threaten a person whose world they're in the process of shattering.

fh, that whore has no grounds. Tell her to walk, no - RUN to her local constable and tell them that she's being harassed by her lover's wife! Let's see how far that gets her! Grrr...

Don't be worried about harassment. Oh - and she has no grounds for a restraining order, either. Be ready to hear that one, too. They seem to travel in pairs.

The next time you post,(Full reply mode) look at the top of the post and you should see that there is aplace to change the name if you want. This will only change it from that point on but it might be what you want

I get that exposure can help stop the A, but isn't it a major LB too?

I'm trying to do what I need to do and I have to make sure I can live with my choices too.

It seems that you do not recognize that what you are feeling is normal but if you entertain the desire to argue with him and get angry you are accually hurting your recovery as well as the possibility of the marriage.

You can find help all over in understanding your emotions and controlling your reactions on this site, in the books, and in other threads.


Listen to what Mel posted above, take those actions and refrain from trying to teach him a lesson. Your actions will speak volumes as they will put the focus on his and what he needs to do to correct it.

Keep your emotions in check and protect yourself by being objective and dealing with the facts.

Fact You treated him well for years.

Fact He decided to have an affair and betray you in this selfish way

Fact He is still treating you like you are making him unhappy as he wants his cake and eat it too. Like a child.

Fact He must make a decision to change.

Only then can you start with recovery. Your children and you deserve a good and healthy marriage.

I believe to change the thread name after a certain amt of time you have to ask the mods by pressing "notify".

FH, Dr H advocates for telling your children the truth, I believe as young as 5. I don't have the article/quote handy but hopefully someone else will post it for you. You can give them an age-appropriate explanation such as the reason things have been tense is because Daddy has a girlfriend and it is wrong for married people to do that.

The harassment threat seems to be a common tactic by the OW to keep the BS quiet. My sister's OW tried threatening us with harassment as well after we confronted her. *eye roll*

Defogged FWSs don't look at exposure as a LB. Most of them have thanked their BSs for helping them stop the A.

IMO, any M that cannot survive exposure isn't a M worth saving...because that means the WS is still foggy & selfish, putting himself before the M & the BS....

A marriage is a living relationship with someone who has sworn to care for you just as they care for themselves. A part of you, connected to you and your life. It can be thought of as a stronger version of you with the attributes of another making you more able to survive and thrive. Its almost like another person, whole with all the dreams and goals and safety connected by the factthat a healthy whole person does not attack or betray itself without severe damage.

What exposure does is reveal an infection in the marriage. An addiction to selfish behavior that will destry the trust andbonding of both of you. You are not hurting him by protecting yourself. You are protecting the marriage and by that you are protecting him also. Although he will whine about it and blame you it will be like taking a drug from an addict.

The marriage is more important than the embarrassment he will feel or what others think of him. Mainly because you are more important than those things and he should already know that and treat you that way as you him. The marriage, you and He, will die if you don't expose this infection and remove all traces of it and you can restore it, even make it better than before if you use the MB way .

Trust us, you don't want a halfazz marrige and you can with work have a great one.

It is your job to harrass her. It is not against the law.

Yes, it is a great huge, whopping, grand tsunami of a lovebuster!! A wonderful one that has saved many marriages here. Here is what Dr Harley says about it:

here

so whats up?

I exposed to some friends of his today. MIL told FIL today. FIL is planning on talking to him tomorrow.

MIL had given me an old phone bill so I could use the info to create that account online and after looking at it, I saw they talked on the phone everyday ... sometimes 8 or more times a day.(supposedly this was a "casual relationship") -- this was before I knew about the A. I was furious. So I told him that if he talked to me half as much as he talked to OW, we wouldn't be in this mess. Of course he had NO CLUE what I was talking about, so I showed him, counting the times EACH day they talked

Then he starts asking who I've told, etc, Acting mad at me. Then he admits to talking to her yet AGAIN!! (she told him I talked to her BIL.) So I was insisting he call her and tell her not to call him anymore, but he refused.

So I called her ... in front of him. We talked for 30 minutes. She was oddly nice to me. They ARE STILL TOGETHER! We compared notes and found he is lying to both of us on several points. Then she admits to being with him on Sunday (when I KNEW they were together , but he swore a thousand times they weren't). She said he has been telling her we are not together anymore --- she just found out when her BIL told her I called him. She is mad she's being lied to as well. But not mad enough to break it off, I guess.

I don't think I am sad ... I AM FURIOUS... so much that I am shaking inside.

Do you know what his response to all of this was? NOTHING ! He sat there in silence. Didn't say a word -- I even asked him if he had anything to say to me. He showed no emotion. It was almost scary. What kind of monster is he? No guilt - no remorse -- no sadness - nothing.

I have NEVER said an unkind word to him in the 17 years we've been together ... until tonight. I really told him what I thought of him.

I don't know if I can recover now ... I don't know if I really want to. I feel bad for my kids. They are the ones who are going to suffer.

I really need to get in touch with MIL before FIL talks to him to let her know tonights events. I'm goin to have to call her at 6 am -- we were supposed to take our kids somewhere in the morning, leaving at 7 -- I HAVE TO talk to MIL soon.

Things are a big mess.And I have NO control over them.

May I suggest, now that you've let him know in no uncertain terms how deeply his adultery has hurt you ..... Keep quiet for a few days.

Observe him.
Listen.
Give nothing away.
Keep your cards close to your chest.
For now.

Plan B is in your future.

I'm so sorry you had to experience this.

ITA with Pep.

Just remember that OW will lie to you too.

I am sorry that you found out about continued contact. It KILLS. Don't react to your emotions though. Let it sit for a couple of days and see how you feel then. Have you finished exposing? It needs to be done NUCLEAR. This is for 2 reasons. So it will have the MAXIMUM effect and so the WS will get over the anger quicker.

I have no choice but to expose to my family now. I am going to try to do that today. I don't know who else I could expose to. I didnt expose on her FB page -- she has now changed it (the privacy, etc) since she knew I was looking at it (thanks WH).

I know she will lie to me, but after I talked to her, he didn't deny still being together -- that's why I called her in front of him.

If I have to go to plan B, I don't think I will take him back. Sadly, I will have to leave town if things can't recover. This isn't my "home".

I can't imagine what is going through his head that he thinks he can still get away with this???

thanks to MB, I have become a good detective, putting pieces all together, etc...

I feel like my little world that was once so very perfect is spiraling out of control, like some kind of tornado, and there is no way of predicting the mass destruction that it will leave in its path.

That's great that you are going to expose today. Please follow through. It's crucial that you don't do a "trickle" exposure.

Did you read MarriedForever's exposure thread that she posted to you the other day? She went through a false recovery when she found out the A never ended.

so your exposure list so far is:
~MIL & FIL
~your parents

Have you told your boys? How about any siblings (your or his)? Close friends? Pastor?

What about Plan B would make you not want to recover? Believe me, being in Plan B is a lot easier at times and it gives you a lot of time to recover yourself. Personal recovery is important for yourself and for the marital recovery(if you ever get a chance for that). If you ever choose to go to Plan D, there are a lot of people who can help you with that too. I just don't understand why so many people believe that Plan B automatically means Plan D. It doesn't and I have NEVER seen a post/article by DrH that suggests that. Plan Bs main reasons are to save your love for your WS, to protect the BS from the drama of affairland, to show the WS what life would be like after a D, and to out last the affair(the majority of affairs end within 2 years of exposure).

So, the list of people who you need to expose to are:
1. Your family
2. His family
3. OW's family
4. Your friends
5. His friends
6. OW friends
7. YOUR CHILDREN(very important, they need to know who the enemy to their family is)
8. Anyone else who can put pressure on the affair.

My H did this exact same thing when I found out. It was weird and creepy...I even called our MC and asked WTH was going on with him, he was like a zombie. He said he was probably in shock and that if he "felt" anything the guilt would have killed him.

I agree with Pep...keep quietly exposing but do not confront him anymore. Start prepping for Plan B.

Make sure you clear out your computer history after coming here and don't leave this site open on your computer.

(((hugs))) Things will get better, you have a lot of support and your H is going to get the shock of his life when he realizes you aren't going to tolerate this any longer.

You know OW's name, right? Start googling her and see what you can come up with ...you might be able to find her family, workplace, etc. and you can expose there as well.

Remember that this is WAR and you need to fight the enemy (the AFFAIR) with your most powerful weapon ~ EXPOSURE.

My H's A died the day I went nuclear with my exposure.

WH is on his way to FIL/Mil's house. They wanted to talk to him.
I don't think it's going to be pretty.

The start of Plan B --
I told him that as long as he was seeing OW, we couldn't live together. I am giving him tonight to figure something out. After my parents pick my kids up tomorrow (while I finish out our school year), he is to go too. I told him he has until June 30th to get his head out of his a$$. I know, not a lot of time, but I will have to leave town if he choses her -- which means changing schools, etc.

If he wants to come back, there will be some changes (for both of us) and it would not be easy. If he choses her, then we will proceed with whatever we need to do.

I really don't believe in divorce, but right now, the choice isn't mine. He can be a man and come back to his family and work for what is right, or he can be a childish boy who only wants to run around get drunk, have sex, and live in some fantasy world.

I refuse to go through this anymore.

I think I have gone from sad to furious. I haven't been able to cry for 2 days, but I am trembling inside with every breath I take.
I do clear the history each time I'm on here. I didn't at first, but now I make sure I do.