MF, could you tell us a little about the ways you eliminate the movies?

NW,

Oh my you hit it right on the head. He leans down to kiss me sometimes and just looking at his lips makes me sick. Those lips I have always loved so much are now a source of pain. Or his hands. The other day we were in bed and he was just rubbing my stomach, my shirt was slightly up and I said..."did you do that with her" and I wonder why I say those things. I know he didn't. I know every single thing they did. Since there were issues they talked about them in e-mails trying to figure out what went wrong. She tried to make him feel better by saying all the good parts, which honestly there were not that many.

So it does not matter if it was 1 time or 10 times, or in your case with the men (yes I read all the threads regarding your story and some may argue that point with me)...it hurts and the mind movies are the worse. So seeing our WH doing things in our mind's is something others say will go away in time. We are 10 months out and they still come at the weirdest times.

I actually made a prayer list of the people I have read about on here that I felt touched by their story and not only want to pray for them, but want to follow their stories in the hope they heal too. God is great and last time I looked he was still in the miracle working business and some of us need a miracle.

Praying for you!!
HU

I'm beginning to think that reading others sitch and commenting on their threads helped me stop crying. I guess having a pity party was getting the best of me. So next time I start crying I am going to try it again. OMG it would be wonderful to find something that while helping others, helps myself.

First ray of sunshine I have seen in awhile.

TRIGGERS...how to deal with them when in public? In Walmart yesterday, turned the corner and there was the rack of condoms, we don't nor have we ever used them, but he bought them for his weekend with her and I actually found the unused ones in his bag when I was snooping. I started having a panic attack right there in the middle of the store and seemed to become frozen. It was all I could do not to start crying and pull myself together. I left the cart and went out to the car, calmed down and went back in. Thankfully my cart was still there and I was able to finish and come home.

I am so tired of this. I know I am not suppose to want my old life back, but I want the pain to go away. I want my heart to not physically hurt anymore. That tight feeling that happens in my throat as I try not to cry to go away. I want to take a shower and not think that was when he would hurry and write a quick e-mail to her...I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would you say this? Don't you believe in Dr. Harley's concept of Radical Honesty?

Why would you NOT want your H to help you through this? This makes no sense. If you desire intimacy in your M you must share all that is happening to you...uncomfortable or not.

It's brought us closer beccause my H knows what I am going through and feels sympathy for what his actions are putting me through.

Sure, here are some thing have helped us:

~first I had to TELL my H what is happening ~ just telling him and having him NOT get upset or angry was very helpful. This was the first step in eliminating these "movies" in my head. (and I got alllllll the gory details so I have quite a vivid movie in my head ~ really disgusting and repulsive and if that isn't a buzzkill during SF I don't know what is).

~we light candles or leave a small light on ~ this is very helpful because it's much easier for my mind to go hogwild in the dark, when I can't see that he is here with ME; it's also important for me to know that my H is looking at and seeing ME during SF and not thinking about the disgusting OW or trashy A.

~we talk/whisper to each other alot during SF. If my mind is starting to slip back to ugly movies, this immediately pulls me back into the PRESENT.

It's a process and we're still learning...it isn't perfect yet, but it's helping. As time goes on and the intimacy increases, it gets easier.

Also, he has a number of other phrases/actions NOT related to SF that help "prep" me for SF. For example, every night in bed he whispers to me "It's "just us", Sweets...definitely no one else; and I love you". This is our "code" that NC is in place and there are no intruders in our M.

He hugs me often throughout the day and tells me "I love you...you are a good wife and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Every day he sends me an email that says "I can't wait to see you tonight!'. While these things are not related specifically to SF, the constant reminders that he loves me and he is here because he wants ME and no one else float through my mind during SF and this also helps to dispel the "movies".

I agree that HU should share with her WH the times when she is feeling down. I don't know that I would tell him that I was picturing the two of them having sex. I would think that that would immediately put the same image in her WH's head. Do you think that's what Dr. H includes as a matter of RH? Not being snarky - serious question.

Yes, I do actually...if I am feeling down (and when this happens that would be a major understatement), how could I tell my H the severity of what I am going through if he doesn't understand this?

This is a trait of PTSD...which is a fairly severe result of my H's A. It's never a good idea to shield the WS (or anyone for that matter) from the consequences of their actions. This IS a consequnce of their actions and one that the BS most often needs help with.

He can't help me if he doesn't know what's going on ~ this wouldn't be helped by dealing with it the same way other triggers are dealt with (normally we leave the situation or avoid it all together). We can't avoid SF nor do we want to...so we've had to figure out how to deal with it together.

THIS is a huge part of what increases intimacy in M...attacking problems as a couple, supporting each other, helping each other through difficult times. If I can't count on him to help and protect me, what kind of a M is that? We are trying our best to avoid ALL of the mistakes we made in the past...keeping difficult times/situations from each other was one of those mistakes.

If your H doesn't know the most intimate parts of you...even the hurtful parts...what does that say about your intimacy? I'm not being snarky either; I truly think it's something each of us should think about.

Thanks MF & MB,

First off let me say that I am one of the lucky ones (if there is such a thing on here) and that my FWH has been my rock during all this and is so loving, patient and kind that I could not ask for anything more. He has cried right along with me and really tries to help me in all the ways you mentioned above. We actually own a business so are together 24/7. He makes sure to stop by my office several times a day to say "I Love You", or will text and e-mail me. He really is trying and we talk about EVERYTHING!!

Soon after D-Day our home had so many horrible memories for me and triggers he asked me if I wanted to move. I had no idea how we could, but he made it happen. I now live in a home that is so beautiful and in such a great area I look out my window some mornings and think I am on vacation. It actually put us in a better place financially (one of our pre-A issues).

He is very patient when it comes to SF. This is an area that we both would have said was a 10+ our whole marriage. For me to be struggling with it makes me so sad and then I feel pressured (all my doing). Thankfully, like I said he and OW failed miserably when they were together, nothing worked as it should have except one act. Geez I hope this is not TMI, but he did oral on her. So that is what my mind goes to. Also why when he kisses me I want to gag thinking where his lips have been.

I am sure when you hear all that you wonder why I am on here. I can't seem to get better. In fact some days I feel as if I am going backwards. I am my own worse enemy right now. I am not sure he can do anymore than he has. This is my problem that I can't seem to shake. I need to stop and get control of my thoughts. That is why I asked if maybe I was punishing myself. As most BS will say, my self esteem took a nose dive. I need therapy and we are saving for me to do just that. Until then I decided being on here would help me and it has. I feel again like I am not alone and I have "friends" that understand my pain. RLF do not understand at all.

Thank you again for taking the time to write.

I have a couple of questions for you:

~Do you have all the answers to your questions about the A?

~If a new questions pops up, do you feel comfortable asking your H and does he respond kindly?

~Has your H written out his EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) and given them to you? If this has been done, is there anything you need to add in order to feel safer?

~Do you know anything about what the OW is doing NOW? Do you go back and read emails, chats, anything from the A? Do you check up on her online in anyway? (It's normal if you do, BTW, especially early on...but it's been long enough now and if you are still doing this it's only hurting you and your recovery. I know it can serve to make you feel safer for time (or give you a good laugh if she's ridiculous, LOL) but eventually it starts working against you. I did this in the beginning and it kept me mired in the muck. I thought the laughs I was getting for it were worth it but eventually they were not.

~Besides working together, are you and your H spending at least 15 hours UA time together/week?

Yes I do, but I find myself asking some of the same questions almost like I am going to catch him at a lie.


Yes I do feel comfy and he answers without making me feel bad about asking.


No he has not given me anything in writing, only because I never asked for it. Should I get it in writing? I did forward him the link to the thread posted a few days ago about this because we had never really discussed it and I thought it was interesting that he was doing everything on the list and was doing it without me ever having asked him to.


I did for a long time, then realized I had stopped and do not even remember when. I would say it has been at least a month or two. I said early on that soon after D-Day I joined another site. Then one day I realized that not only had OW's H joined but so did she. I could only read so much of her posts before I would get very angry, because she was NOT being honest and I had read her e-mails to my H and so I knew who went after who. He was trying to get out of the A and she was planning on moving here to be with him. He kept telling her no. I know what they said, but she made it out that my H had gone after her and that as soon as he had sex(never happened) he dropped her for another woman and he was a player and she was a victim. I realized then it was not healthy for my recovery reading her lies. Then her H believing all that started really trashing my H as someone who took advantage of his poor wife. That is why I stopped all sites until joining here a couple weeks ago. I read and read making sure they were not on here. I did not think they would be as neither believes in God, so this would be too spiritual for them.


No, we do not get enough time together and it is something we really need to do. We know it is a problem because we have talked about it many times and have started spending more time together and making it a priority. We have decided to take a couple afternoons off a week and just do fun things together. We need to laugh together again. We both miss that.

Any other questions I will be happy to answer them.

Wow, I'm sorry this happened and I'm happy you got off that site. I'm sure it's a common fear on this board as well....good thing you recognized her and got off that board.

Did you use a different screenname here? If not you may just be a google search away and you might want to change your name (if you do this make NO REFERENCE to your old name, ever).

Do not be tempted to "check up" on her...it will keep you in a bad place and isn't worth the havoc it will wreak on you.



This is really important right now...ultra important, in fact. Our UA time is our very favorite time of the day/week, my husband tells me this every night. This is what will cement your relationship back together.

Read here~~~~> POUA

Having a horrible week, today is slightly better. I get so much from reading other BS's threads on their situations. I guess it helps to feel some sort of kinship, which I sure need right now. I feel alone and unlovable. Could someone point me to some member threads where the couple reconciled and they share what they did to get there. I just need to read some success stories.

Thanks

What I do is I read people's signature lines and I see who has recovered or are in recovery. I click on their names, click view posts, topics created and then go to the first page(highest number page and click on the bottom thread). You can also go to the recovery forums and look through those threads. There is a lot of info on this site.

Thanks...I was hoping that there was a few poster's stories that really stuck out in someone's mind. I have tried your way and with little success, but will keep plugging along.

Now a vent:

This is about the loneliest thing to have happen along with it being the most painful. I have no one to talk to about it so feel I am bottling up all these emotions. I can't imagine if my H was not helping me in such a great way, where I would be, but he cannot be my everything, I need to talk to someone and financially we cannot afford for me to go to IC. I just sat here crying all day yesterday.

My friends do not have a clue as to what to say or what advise to give me and are probably sick of listening to me anyways, so I don't bring it up anymore. In fact I find myself faking this "I'm so happy, everything is grand" attitude when I speak to them. It is so easy to ask people about their kids or themselves and then sit back and just say "oh really", "how nice" or whatever to let them think you are listening to them....when inside you want to scream.."I AM HURTING...CAN'T YOU TELL".

My H, God bless him is being so good. How can the source of my pain now be the rock I lean on to survive. No that is not true, I found early on that God is my rock, without Him I would never have gotten through any of this. I believe God brought my H out of the fog in a dramatic way, it was a visible change that came over him and he has been a different man ever since. If I had not watched it with my own two eyes, I would not believe it possible. I kept wondering if he would fall back to his old ways, but he hasn't, not one iota. He is the man I fell in love with only improved with a deeper understanding of my needs and how to meet them. So what is the problem...ME!

I cannot seem to let go, I cannot seem to stop trying to find and answer to WHY? Why did he have to do this to me, why did he have to break my heart,,,,why why why why all the whys never to be answered because is there an answer? I hate this. Yet deep in my heart I know we were very unhappy prior to the A. Neither was meeting the others needs, it was just a matter of time before we divorced. We were still deeply in love, but love is not enough to hold together a marriage. So was this the kick in the pants we needed to be reminded of what we were going to loose?

OK, end of vent, I have cried so much this morning my coffee taste salty, what a horrible joke. Thanks to any that made it this far through what was really needed on my part...just getting out a lot of pain that was bottled up. Yes this is a roller coaster, but I sometimes feel I am on the ride alone.

You can go back and read some of my posts...I didn't document all of our recovery here but you can see some of it. A couple of weeks ago I posted on the recovery forum about some recent events in our recovery...it might be helpful to you.

I'm so sorry about all of your pain...you are not even a year into recovery so this is very normal.

I will give you some ideas on how to speed up the recovery and your healing:

~Fill out the ENQ and the LBQ (both you and your H)
~Begin using all of the Basic Concepts here (print them out and put them in a notebook or better yet buy the books)
~Get your 15 hours UA in every single week

These things will help you more than you can imagine. It sounds like your H is very on-board with your recovery. IMHO you need to ask him to do these things with you; tell him you are feeling stuck and are sure this would help you.

MF,

I printed out the questionnaires, bought 2 of the books (I gave my copy of HNHN to my son 2 years ago when I thought we didn't need it anymore). I bought another copy of HNHN and Surviving an Affair.

My H has been trying to plan out things for us to get those 15 hours in. I feel sort of guilty because you are right, he is so on board with all this, is putting so much into our healing and especially my healing and I am the one that is just being a LB and so boohoo'ing all the time. I wonder why I am doing this. He says that he thinks I am expecting too much of myself too soon. He also tells me that he is not going anywhere and that I do not need to hurry my recovery, that we will do what it takes to come out of this with a better stronger marriage.

He has always been a person who did not share much, he has really worked on opening up and together we have talked for hours about his childhood and how BOTH his parents cheated on each other. His mom actually involved my H in her affair when he was only 15, by making him drive by the OM's house to see if he was home with his wife. OMG, what did this teach my H about boundaries? His parents did D and actually married their OP's and are still married to them.

Sorry didn't mean to go off on that, but I think it tells so much on why he did this. I am not OK'ing it, just wondering how much this played in all of this. We are really are learning about each other, communication is really improved. I just need to stop the mind movies and all the blah blah blah.

I have to have an emergency surgery in the morning. This is so not how I wanted to beginning my summer, I usually love having the extra time with the kids. Now H and I can fill out or forms and read the books, as I will be stuck in bed for awhile. I will not find out until the morning how serious things are, so not sure when I will be back online.

Thanks again MF.

Well I survived the surgery in case anyone wondered. I had a horrible time of it and it was not an easy recovery.

I remember someone telling me that one day I would feel anger over all this and I said.."oh no, not me"...well again I was wrong. I have been sitting here crying for over an hour and I honestly have no where to turn and no one to turn to. How pathetic that I cannot turn to friends because we lost many due to his A. I lost my family over something sort of related right before d-day and so cannot turn to them. It has been 18 months since my oldest son and my parents have talked to me. See they wanted me to divorce H because during his A he was very mean to me, now I know why. I honestly have lost so much and now I am angry.

Then this morning I was having to look at the calendar for last year (something not related to the A) and realized his "meeting" with OW was only 6 days after our anniversary. OMG how could he do something so friggen cold-hearted. I am so hurt, so angry. He is lucky he is asleep because I swear I feel like beating the crap out of him and I am not a violent person.

If I thought I was loosing my mind before it is was nothing compared to how I feel right now this minute, I feel hatred, bitterness and the list goes on and on. I could NEVER hurt someone I love like he did me. Why do they do this to us...WHY?????????????????