Now I understand that old Al Green song. I cannot bear this pain anymore. The thought of my husband with another woman is more that I can take. My God, what have I done to deserve this? Sixteen years…sixteen years; I thought that we would last forever. Now I'm not sure that we'll last sixteen more weeks…days<P>Last week we were getting along so well. I was smiling again and had gone days without a single tear or sad thought. We were planning a getaway weekend. Just the two of us alone together, to concentrate on each other without any outside interference. No interruptions, no cell phones, no pagers. I bought body oils (edible & heated) and hundreds of dollars worth of lingerie. This was going to be our "honeymoon". Everything was fine, until Friday night. While visiting his mother's house, my H's cell phone beeped. Since he was in another room, I just picked up the phone to give to him. I looked at the caller ID and a painful chill went up my spine which literally numbed my legs for a couple of seconds. It was the OW. He swore to me that he was no longer in contact with her, but there was her number. Knowing his cell phone password (our wedding date) I listened to her voice message. It's so strange. She sounds like me! All I could do was erase the message. I couldn't speak, I could barely breathe. My mother-in-law thought my asthma was acting up. When we left, I quietly cried all the way home. He knew something was wrong, since I had been so cheerful before. When he parked and touched my face, I exploded. Tears went everywhere. I started to hyperventilate as I informed him of his lover's call. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a 18-wheeler. He said that he was not returning her messages, he couldn't control who called him, but he chose who he called back. He said, he was not calling her. We sat in that car for over an hour. I told him that I knew about all the phone calls he was making. His cell phone bill was over $900, from calls to her. The bill listed every time he called her. Every time. Two, three, four times a day…2 minutes here, 5 minutes here, 81 minutes there. He admitted that they were into "heavy petting" but nothing else happened…only because he didn't have any condoms. He HATES condoms, so I really doubt the validity of that excuse. He says that they were together 3 times, while I was away at a Christian conference. Shortly after my return home, she moved south. They haven't seen each other since, but the phone calls still keep coming. <P>I want to die. I honestly just want to die. The humiliation of knowing that he finds someone else desirable. Now the knowledge that even if he didn't have sex with her (so he says) it wasn't because he didn't want to. He says he still loves me. He says he wants to work this out. He says a lot of things . He says that it (the affair) is over…yet she still calls & I suspect that he still calls her. He said he ended it weeks ago, yet his phone bill shows he called her just a few days ago. I've taken her picture, her gift, her card, her e-mails, her "make-out" audio tape; I've eliminated her cell phone messages and contact info from his electronic wizard, taken all that away from him. But I can't take her out of his heart.<P>I cry uncontrollably now. I can't sit at work without crying. I cry driving to and from places. I couldn't even go the church yesterday because I couldn't stand to watch him being the seemingly sin-free Deacon. <BR>I love him so much, and I hate myself for it. I've forgiven him, and I hate myself for it. I'm still planning to go away with him this weekend, and I hate myself for it. <BR>

Hurtnbad,<BR>As I just posted to "sadforever",,you too need closure. Has he ended it with her in a way you have witnessed? As Dr Harley suggests, preferrably with a letter that you watch/help him write and mail? If you haven't read the part of Dr Harleys book regarding "ending the affair", do so. To me it's a very important part of rebuilding. You need to know it's over. She needs to know it's over. And he has to be the one to do this!! <P>And you didn't do anything to "deserve" this affair. You have been a part of the deterioration of the marriage but NO ONE deserves being cheated on. You deserved being told there were problems, being asked to make changes, being told that needs weren't being fulfilled, being asked to go to counseling, a separation or divorce if no other choices,,,but not an affair. You didn't deserve that. None of us did. <P>Talk to him about closure. Tell him what you need to make this marriage work. And then go on that weekend with him. Make it the best weekend ever. And make it an entire new start for the two of you,,leaving the past behind,,having been CLOSED and over,, and onto the road to rebuilding.

Dear HurtnBad,<BR>Sorry for all the undescribable pain, my feelings go out to you. We are in the same boat right now, my wife also still has contact with the OM and i cannot control this, i too love her very much. Today w went back to work and i would not even want to think of her calling or talking to OM, i just like to believe that she wouldn't because she did promise me this over the weekend. But i take things one day at a time, you should too. Do something that would make you feel positive about yourself, I started running again after not working out for over a year, it feels great believe me. Don't destroy yourself instead refocus and be patient eventually all affairs die a natural death, if he loves you then he will come back. If you both are willing then the road to recovery is not far. <BR> I am going to counselling with my wife this week although in the back of my head i know she still calls OM, if she truly didn't care for our marriage then she wouldn't even try, i am thankful she is. If i show her my patience and kindness then at least when all is lost she will remember those two things i gave her during this our terrible ordeal. Hope things turn out right, same.

The letter is written, but my H still has reservations about sending it. He thinks it's<BR>"hokey". He didn't particularly like the idea of a "letter". I tried to explain that a letter is a concrete non-confrontational document that would let the OW know in no uncertain terms that it was OVER!! You know, putting it down in "black & white". I did make him understand that his procrastination gives the appearance that he's trying to "have his cake & eat it too". I made him think about how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He didn't seem to like that thought. <P>Maybe we could make the actual mailing of the letter a ritual we perform together before our rendez-vous this weekend. I don't know, but you're right, we need closure. I want it BEFORE I give him all I've got this week.<P>------------------<BR>Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, <BR>rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…<P>

I lived the intense pain, the humilation that he found another desirable, the confusion of what I was dealing with (accidental fling or deep emotional attatchment). My H never lied to me (that I know of) before this and just the idea he could was incredible.<P>Anyway, for whatever reason I believe my H really knew he wanted our family and not OW. He was able to stop seeing her, but the phone contact went on 8 more weeks.<P>As far as I can figure it was a combo of probibly continued attraction, someone to talk to about whole mess because no one else but me knew, guilt because OW was pouring it on how much she "loved and needed him" (gag) and I think she was also threatening to embarrass him or me.<P>He sums it up with "I kept calling to make sure she wasn't crazy."<P>I discovered a new phone card, he didn't deny and I think by that time he was ready. Contact had already dwindled to just about nothing. <P>It is insulting that he could continue to lie and maintain contact when he could see how devastated I was. It still burns me. It also saddens me that nothing I could say or do really made a difference at that time. He basically stopped when he was ready.<P>The up side is that after he stopped phone contact, I saw little if any withdrawl. It was really over for him. Now 10 months after discovery we are doing well and also the phone contact is my biggest residual issue. In fact, I think it bothers me more than the brief affair itself for some reason. However, I don't think the continued phone contact really meant that he was wavering or didn't want our relationship. It just had a life of its own somehow.<P>Don't know if this helps. I hope it does.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I am so sorry.... I also am upset because here is another Christian family that should be modeling "till death do us part". I sure believed it was true when I married this time as a Christian....<P>I also am waiting on the sending of the closure letter, but H wont read the book, and has more excused for not sending it than you could imaginge.....<P>Maybe let him in on what he'll be missing if he doesn't put you at peace by sending the closure letter....<P>cozy

Hurtnbad,<BR> I do understand his reluctance to write a letter to her. If I had discovered this site prior to discovery, I think my H would have been agreeable to that choice rather than what I wanted. I wanted him to take me to her place and tell her to her face!! Infront of me!! Naturally he didn't want to do that. Now remember, I didn't know about Harley's theories so I didn't realize the damage that could have been done by bringing him face to face with her again. All I could think about was the chance to smirk at her while he told her like she had done to me!<P>Instead, I let him call her with me on the other line. Harley says this is a second choice but not as good as the letter since he had to hear her voice again.<P> Unfortunately, I didn't discuss with him prior to the call, what he would say. He told her it was over. That he wouldn't give up his family. He looked over at me,,I nodded my head and he hung up. I didn't say anything or even let her know I was on the line. NOW,, what I should have discussed with him prior to the call. He had told me prior to the call that he was sorry, it was a mistake, he loved me,, he never really loved her, he wished it had never happened....THAT is what I needed to hear him tell HER. And he should have. Healing would have been sooo much easier if I had heard him say that. At that point HE wanted another chance,,HE wanted to try again. I should have been insistant about what I needed. Recovery would have been so much easier and I would have been so much less angry and wanting revenge. <P>BUT,,,can't go back,,, have to move forward. He has proven to me in the past 21 months that he meant what he said..his promises were sincere. So I didn't get to hear him say what I needed. He diiidn't know I needed that and neither did I at that point.<P>The letter is the best idea. No physical or verbal contact,,,,,but if he is hesitant about putting anything in writing,, the phone call with you on the other line,,is a second choice. Just be sure to talk about what YOU need to hear him say before he calls. And let him know this is something YOU need. And I would do it before your weekend. It'll make all the difference in the world for you! Good luck!!! <BR>

Dear Hurt,<P>I read your post and I could really feel your pain. It dragged me back into my own past, where I really rather not go. However, I was heartened when I read that you are a christian family. You already know that nothing is possible without God. When my H and I went through our Hell, I felt like everything I had was gone and I had to reach out to my own family, my kids and God. I read my bible and prayed constantly. I asked God to strengthen me because I felt like I was not going to make it. And you know what? He did! Somehow, by the grace of God we are okay today. So be encouraged and look to the lord, he will strengthen your heart.<P>You should be working on your marriage including going with your H on your trip this weekend. THings could be worse, he could be taking the OW on a weekend trip, so thank god and go. May god bless you. Have a nice trip!<P>Take Care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Luv, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you, and if you get tired, he will lift you up and carry you.

---<p>[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited June 23, 2000).]

Hurtnbad: This message is from an OW. Not your spouses OW, but an OW nevertheless. My apologies to you for the pain you have suffered. I hear your side of the story and realize what damage I have caused. I never had any desire to contact the OM at his home or anywhere where the chance of his wife or kids would be available. Both he and I (in my case there have been many OM's)did everything in our power to keep it descreet. Even now that it is over, we keep our distance. I realize that my relationships were wrong, however, I did not do this by myself. The OM(s) were just as responsible. Each relationship ended with a concrete decision that IT IS OVER from both sides. If the relationship is truly over, then your spouse will need to tell OW point blank that IT IS OVER and don't contact him anymore. BUT, as I mentioned in another post, sometimes the OW does not get it. If she thinks that there is a remote chance that your spouse and her will be together, it may take a more assertive measure from your spouse to let her know otherwise. I wish you much luck and my prayers to you. I won't be offended if you would rather not talk to me. I will understand.

To everyone who has replied to my posting, I thank you. For now, this forum is my only way of expressing my grief and unburdening myself. I have not told anyone else about my H's affair because of his standing in the community as well as his local and national religious involvement. So many people look up to him and consider him such a stalwart Christian, that knowledge of his indiscretions could prove to be a stumbling block in someone else's life. He has enough to answer for on Judgment Day without adding someone's unsaved blood to his charge. .."Again, when a righteous man doth turn from his righteousness, and commit iniquity, and I lay a stumbling-block before him, he shall die: because thou hast not given him warning, he shall die in his sin, and his righteousness which he hath done shall not be remembered; but his blood will I require at thine hand." Ezekiel 3:20<P>MaryBB - as my church's librarian, I not only had Dr. Harley's books in stock, but I also had Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". I had never really paid a lot of attention to Dobson's book until all of this hit the fan. I am in the process of reading that book also as well as Bishop Jakes' "The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord" which, ironically arrived the day before discovery. I've done more reading in the past few weeks than I did in four years of college!<P>Sobeit - Thank you. I have no problem addressing you. As I explained to my H last Friday night (after I got myself together) his selfishness and foolishness was not only hurting me, but hurting the OW also (I couldn't believe I was saying that). But the truth is, an affair hurts everyone involved. He had decided to stay with me (Thank God), but in the process, now he has to break all ties with the OW. I can't hate her, after all, he approached her. I feel for her and I pray that she finds peace (and her own man!). <P>Again I thank you all for your support and most of all your prayers. Your words have given me the strength and the determination to see this thing through and not give up. I am grateful to God that I found this forum. It's true what they say, God gives you exactly what you need, just when you need it. Continue to pray for me and mine and I will continue to pray for you and yours. We all need healing and restoration of spirit. God Bless You All.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, <BR>rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…<P>