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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
I really feel sorry for the poor puppy. He was really hurting and trying not to pee in his cage. Your husband's coldness with the puppy makes me question his heart as a human being.

ITA. Reading about your H doing that and then the way he justified the behavior of ignoring the dog when you questioned him really really doesn't sit well with me, not at all.


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I am trying to think of how to best handle a manipulative selfish cold hearted husband but I cannot come up with anything now...maybe later.

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Do you guys have any type of formal agreement in regards to the dog? Or was it just a joint family venture to go get a puppy? I ask because I had talked in a previous thread about how I was totally against getting a dog. The wife ends up getting me to go to the pound and I'm guilt tripped into getting the dog. I get the dog under the precept that I do not have to walk, bathe, feed, water, pet, clean up after, take care of in any way shape or form the dog. I also said when I have to start doing these things, I will be more than happy to bring the dog back where we got it.

So occassionally (it's getting more frequently) I'm having to walk the dog. My wife will remind me how little I have to do it though. And then I have to remind her htat the agreement was I wouldn't have to do it at all. Now if I had agreed that I was enthusiastic to have any animal and I wanted one as equally then I would be equally responsible.


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Originally Posted By: Bubbles4U
I really feel sorry for the poor puppy. He was really hurting and trying not to pee in his cage. Your husband's coldness with the puppy makes me question his heart as a human being.

He figures that you care more so you will not be able to resist a crying puppy. I am upset at your selfish and cold husband. How would he like it if he had to "hold it" for a day or two? It is torture.

What is his thing? Does he feel more valuable than you are as a person?.

His priority list appears to be:

1. Himself
2. His work
3. His fun and drinking with friends
4. His kids
5. The dog
6. You
7. Your other kids

Do you feel worthy enough for him? After all he is a principle and all.....how is your self esteem?

When you had the kids and the pup you did not consider his selfishness..did you?


Sometimes Stella, I agree with your assessment above, minus the part of him being cold. He is far from cold. Yes, I have self esteem issues (I did not have them prior to meeting him) and no, I did not consider his selfishness. You paint a much harsher image than it need be, however.


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Originally Posted By: wannabophim
Maybe you could try something: 'DH, I wanted to talk to you about what happened with the dog this morning. I know it was so nice snuggling in bed this morning. But then you kind of blamed me for you getting up late...and then I think you were resentful that I didn't have to get up and then left the taking out the dog for me. Now I know you are busy these days and can help out with your chores, but I would like you to ask me. Like "Honey, I snuggled too long in your deliciousness and now I am running late. Do you think you could walk the dog this morning?"

Also he may be jealous that you get to "sleep in", but are there things you do that he forgets about? Like do you stay up a little later getting stuff ready for the next day?


We go to bed at the same time each evening, and I do not sleep in - I just stay under the covers while he showers, but by the time he is out, I have 1 or 2 or 3 kids in my room asking me for something, or wanting to climb in and snuggle.

Thanks for the suggestion, I did pose it this way later on and it actually lightened my mood. smile


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Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
Do you guys have any type of formal agreement in regards to the dog? Or was it just a joint family venture to go get a puppy? I ask because I had talked in a previous thread about how I was totally against getting a dog. The wife ends up getting me to go to the pound and I'm guilt tripped into getting the dog. I get the dog under the precept that I do not have to walk, bathe, feed, water, pet, clean up after, take care of in any way shape or form the dog. I also said when I have to start doing these things, I will be more than happy to bring the dog back where we got it.

So occassionally (it's getting more frequently) I'm having to walk the dog. My wife will remind me how little I have to do it though. And then I have to remind her htat the agreement was I wouldn't have to do it at all. Now if I had agreed that I was enthusiastic to have any animal and I wanted one as equally then I would be equally responsible.


KT, I got him this puppy as his 35th birthday gift. She is a purebred German Shepherd, which he had when we met and she later passed away a year after we got married. She was incredibly important to him and a terrific caregiver. She was such an amazing, well-cared for dog and he spoiled her. She adored my kids and they adored her. My son, who was 7 at the time, was really afraid of dogs to the point he would have a panic attack anytime one came near him. His dog cured him of his fear and ever since her passing, my kids have been BEGGING for another dog - and not just any dog, another GS. I waited until I felt my youngest would not be knocked over by the sheer size of a large dog, and the affectionate and restrained way he is with our cat, I knew we were all ready to take the plunge, as a family, to get another dog. She is incredibly loved and spoiled and contrary to this ONE incident of H ignoring her in her crate, he is great with her. We all are. She is well loved.

As soon as school is out, my H and the older 2 kids are doing obedience training with her (she has chosen me as her master and listens to my commands, but no one elses yet).


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Oh boy. Just got a call from my H. I cannot go into detail, but the state was just dealt yet ANOTHER huge blow for school funding. He has already had to cut way more teachers than should be allowed... all of that hard work completely rehauling the entire school's curriculum and now back to the drawing board. Oh. My. Gaaaaaaah! He is already out of time to do the work he has NOW, let alone MORE.

Oy.


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Sorry girl. Our principal is in the midist of doing the same thing. I work at a gifted and talented school that is ranked in the top 15 of the nation. She just got the message in the last week of school that the school had to cut back. So as some of the teachers were coming in to turn in their paperwork for summer leave, they were being let go.

What sucks is we have a ton of specialty program (think almost like the show FAME) and it's not good to let go of teachers in a school ranked like this (or anywhere).


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Thanks for chiming in, KT. The emotion that came over me was pretty intense when he told me today. I instantly felt this overwhelming need to cry - but not because of MY feelings about it, but because of how HE is going to feel about this. He is so very, very good at what he does, takes every ounce of it to heart. He is no robot. He was destined to take this path - it is in his make-up.

Can I just say right now, how many, MANY parents I want to punch in the throat for their narrow-minded, petty, annoying a$$ bullsh*t they keep bugging him about? Today I just got so mad when he was telling about this one awful parent, knit-picking and being horridly petty that I said "give me her number, I will give her a call and tell her she is freaking LUCKY as all hell to have her kid attend this school and she should be THANKFUL her kid is getting the amazing education she is getting in the midst of these horrible budget cuts. Maybe that will put it in perspective for her"!!! He just smiled. smile


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Originally Posted By: Gdar

Can I just say right now, how many, MANY parents I want to punch in the throat for their narrow-minded, petty, annoying a$$ bullsh*t they keep bugging him about?


But, you see, a lot of people are selfish. They think their issues are significant. They do not realize that there are hundreds to thousands of parents that all want to talk to the principal. You have tons of people all fighting for their time. It sucks about your husband having to cut teachers. No principal wants to do this and no teacher wants to hear this. While it's still not cool that he's not keeping in touch with you during the game, he'll need reassurance that he's a good person. He's forced to do a terrible thing and I'm sure it's breaking his heart.


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Blech. This morning just suuuuucks.

He is beside himself about what is going to take place today. He is sad, withdrawn and downright grouchy. I made sure he had his coffee (which he barked at me because I put sugar in it - I always put sugar in it) and his lunch as he headed out the door. I gave him a hug, put his hands in my face and told him to hang in there today and asked if was ok. He is not ok and its breaking my heart.

In a separate situation, last night when he came back from the night event (which he took 3 of the 4 kids to, so I was SUPER appreciative about that). He casually mentioned that his best friend (the one I cannot stand) asked him to go to their old college town, about 4-5 hours away for an overnight to "hang out old school and get drunk" (insert giant eye roll - the dude is 40). He told me he had no interest in going. This is going to sound like a DJ, but this means he is bring it up because he is feeling me out to see what I will say. If I act favorably, he will pursue it and if I balk, he won't push it. This is how his IBs have always been since the inception of our M.

I did not respond.

So this morning, knowing in my mind how THEIR conversation went, I checked his phone for their text exchange. Sure as [censored], not only did his loser friend ask him to go for the overnight, my H suggested that because it was such a long drive, that he would be more interested in TWO nights. His friend told him to LIE TO ME and tell me they were going camping (which he has asked me if they could go camping several times over the years, which leads me to believe they never actually did). My H's response was "lying to my wife has worked so well in the past, lol".

AYFKM?

Yeah. I am pretty hurt right now. But given that what he is about to face today is as intense as this profession gets, I ain't bringing it up. Not sure if I ever will. I am so sick of the games.


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oh, and last night I found out that my 13 yr son had been viewing porn on his iTouch. The one that his dad bought him and I promptly took away when I found out he was viewing porn. I password protected it and turned OFF the internet so he could not access it. His father insisted that he needed the passcode in case he needed to change a setting, so I gave it to him. He also insisted that I give him back the iTouch on HIS time with the kids, as he was the one who purchased it.

Well, it appears my X used the passcode to allow our son to have full access on the damn thing again.

This morning when he asked if he could have his iTouch back (I grabbed it from his room last night to spot check to make sure he did not download any apps). I told him no, and he asked why. I told him he very well knew why he could not have it back and I gave him my "I know, and you know I know" look. He insisted he had no idea what I was talking about. Just like LAST TIME.

I have yet to decide how I am going to approach him when he gets home from school today, but I do know the iTouch is now MINE and although my ex H purchased it, he is NOT getting it back. If he gets upset about it, he can dock my child support check for the cost, I really do not care.


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Gdar,

You asked me to chime in on this, but I am not sure what to say. When I read it, I actually gasped. This is clear and blatant lying.

That friend of your husband's is no friend to your marriage, that's for sure.

I'm going to read a bit more about your story and see if there's anything I can come up with to be helpful.

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Thanks, Chris. I really LOATHE his best friend. I have never once asked him NOT to be friends with him (his mom has begged me for years to get the guy out of my H's life), because it just is not something I want him to resent me for - but NO, he is no friend to my marriage.


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His lying is something he learned from a young age and I believe enabled by his mother. His mother stashed money away for years that his father knows nothing about. He lies to his mom all of the time, because he just does not want to deal with her (she is incredibly overbearing and very judgmental and intruding). I have seen him lie to get his way many times over the course of our M. he has lied to me more times than I could ever count.

He lied about the EA, even when I showed him proof. Still to this day insists it was not any kind of A, even when our MC told him it was an EA. He chalks it up to a few inappropriate emails and nothing more, but he is sorry it hurt me and he swore he would never engage in something like that ever again. I DO believe he will not, even though I have many reasons not to trust him.


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Oh, and I will need a way to tell him he cannot go on this trip without TELLING him he cannot go. I am 100% UNenthusiastic about that. I do not trust him OR his friend enough. I do not feel it is ok for him to go back to his college town to go drinking. At all. He has had way too many uncomfortable situations that involved being away from me and drinking AND this stupid friend.


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Gdar,

I'm still catching up on your story...But please anser this: Are you guys working with a MC who uses Marriagebuilders Concepts?

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No, there are none in our area.

ETA:

Our MC believes in the trade-off thing for IBs. Like he gets Brovernight with his lame-ass friend (and I was instructed by our MC to never bad-mouth his friend to my H because male bonding/friendships are important), then I get to go see my friends. Taking turns, but coming up with a schedule that we are both enthusiastic about, whether it is every other week or once every 4 months.

Last edited by Gdar; 06/04/10 12:28 PM.

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GDar,

I am not sure what to say about this becasue you are not doing MB in your Marriage Counseling.

Because of that some of the things you get from your counselor will directly contradict MB. For example, your MC's stance on IB trade-offs seems to violate the POJA and enable the continuation of behavior which both of you don't like in the other.

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Originally Posted By: Gdar
Oh, and I will need a way to tell him he cannot go on this trip without TELLING him he cannot go. I am 100% UNenthusiastic about that. I do not trust him OR his friend enough. I do not feel it is ok for him to go back to his college town to go drinking. At all. He has had way too many uncomfortable situations that involved being away from me and drinking AND this stupid friend.


Didn't he already tell you that he wasn't going to go?
This is classic Passive Agressive behavior and the best way to deal with it is take him at his word.

"Honey, I am glad you told me about Friend asking you to go on a weekend and I am also really glad you told me you turned him down. That really helps build the trust between us and helps me know that you know you need to spend time with me and the family right now. When you get this budget stuff figured out, we will try to find out a way to get you and me some down time together."

You don't need to fall for the "be a martyr" thing because you are not enthusiastic about him going. Just give him some brownie points for turning the guy down.

Last edited by wannabophim; 06/04/10 01:09 PM.
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