Hi;
I am new to this forum; read Dr. Harley's books...they seemed helpful at the time but it has been about 5 years that I have been learning how abusive my dh has truly been. He resisted and would not go to counseling for years until we lost a child to stillbirth 3 years ago and then he went "for me" for grief counseling. All the counselors look and say "you have a communication problem.." there is NO problem with communication, he says and has said EVERYTHING that he wants to and I have heard it and it has crushed me. I have TRIED to talk and have been rejected and verbally abused; sorry but that is exactly what it is...I separated from him in November with our son...he cycles through the abuse cycle. He says that he is a christian and I have lived 11 years with this and I am done...please pray for my husband; he has had much past abuse; is Asperger's syndrome and has not yet admittted the true problem in our marriage .

Hi, singingsolo. I am so sorry that things have been so difficult for you. I have lost a child, and I know how heartbreaking that is. Many marriages break up following the loss of a child, even if everything else was ok. I also know what it is like to live with a chronically angry, emotionally abusive husband. Unless he acknowledges what he is doing, no counseling will ever change him. My 19 yo son has Asperger's, and I worry about his future relationships. He has seen his father's bad example as a husband, and Aspies are not good at making changes.

I will pray for you and him and your kids. I hope you can find some healing soon.

Hi EllenG; thanks for your response; I am sorry to hear of what you have been through and THANK YOU for letting me know about your loss of child *hug*, your dealings with Aspergers and the years of "rollercoaster rides" and that you have survived it all!!! My dh was abusive and controlling LONG before April 2007 when we lost our baby son, the worse was actually behind us at that point except for the "cold war" with his daughter and I was still living in this "home" of theirs...it was Nov when I said "NO MORE". He wouldn't admit with the sabotage of his daughter and my relationship and he condone the same disrespect towards me from her as he gave me...My parents left our home and I was free to leave and I RAN!!! Then the only the rollercoaster and his inability/unwillingness to take a good hard look at himself instead of the constant blame game with me. HUGS

I just want to clarify that I am NOT a WS; I am more like a BS whose abusive husband held hostage in our home; I am NOT being or intend or seek to be unfaithful to our wedding vows; he had emotionally divorced me years before (LBs everywhere) with the religiously abusive attitude that he had the RIGHT to demand sex and my complete obedience; if I disobeyed him, I was disobeying God...you read that right. I did not WANT to separate from my H; it was the only move that we agreed might help the situation; space apart; while we try to work things out. He has proven to move in the abusive (verbal and emtional) cycle and is not showing any true contrition of heart or repentance... Please say a prayer for him; I have many prayer for healing and reconciliation...thanks.

SS, welcome to MB! I will keep your family in prayer. That is so cool how you are making healthy choices for yourself and your family!

Thanks NewEveryDay;
I really do feel good and getting my life back; saw dh for an hour while checking on our son yesterday; won't engage him in any conversation; it turns into a "you should have obeyed me" lecture, etc.

A big part of my healing is being guilt free; I haven't done things to "mess up" my marriage with him and I have "endured" as much or more than I should have graciously; so I do not have guilt and I feel free to make my own decisions and will not put myself back under his yoke ever again. I think that is what messes us so many marriages; bad decisions made UPON bad decisons. I decided to leave and separate from him (good decision) and it was based upon other good decisions to detach emotionally, go to counseling, "move on" with my life and let him deal with himself; his past abuse and being "without me" (the one he would control and feel good about himself with) I felt TERRIBLE about myself and him. No respect, etc..

Now he sees that I have set very healthy boundaries and I will not "fall into" believing that he will automatically stop abusing me verbally and emotinally; even if he thinks he can; he proved a few weeks ago that he can't. He needs counseling and much therapy to deal with his own pain and I am working and allowing God to heal mine.