Your emotional reaction is totally understandable and even healthy.

Follow peps advice. Untill the end of june don't trust the anger reaction that makes you want to smack him in the head. Give yourself a lot of time before reacting to anything.

Keep reading on the forums. Study the concepts to understand why you should try to save the relationship beyond how you feel right now. Even though your feelings are healthy and a valuable thing, they are strongly effected at the moment. Don't do anything harsh.


Beyond that advice ATM I hope you find it valuable, the marrige that is..

Did you write your plan B letter out? Or just said it? I would write out a letter even though you have talked to him about no contacting. Make sure he can not contact you in any way, text, email, phone etc. Find someone who can be your IM to help communicate between each other.

During this "separation" only focus on YOU not the marriage, relax, get YOU back to normal, release all of this stress that your WH A gave you. Become the better person and work on yourself.

How do I get him out of the house? I asked WH when he got home from MIL/FIL's house if he asked them if he could stay there - he said no -- I asked if he was staying with OW -- he said no ... I told him he HAS TO GO!

Today he is trying to be such a family man -- something he has NEVER been. Putting away dishes, starting laundry, helping with dinner, playing with the kids ... I said "I appreciate your trying, but it's several years too late. You still have to go tomorrow. it doesn't change the fact you are with another woman" I really think he has no intention of leaving this house.

I think I really NEED him to go. And I need him to know I am serious. He has to know there are reprocussions for what he has done -- and continues to do. I don't want to be the one to leave. He has to hit rock bottom before he will see the light.

I feel like I am on the outside of this life looking in ... like I am watching a really bad movie. I haven't slept for 2 days, so that helps to make the reality a little fuzzy too. It just doesn't seem like all that is happening is real. And I feel like this A has been consuming me totally -- like I have done nothing else but think about it and how I am going to change/fix this mess of a life.

Thats good advice please follow it. There are plan B letters all over the forums. I will go see if I can find an example for you.
Find someone that you know personnally who can filter any communication that he might want from you. Even stuff like, "I left my underwear at the house". so you will not be talking to him about anything.


ESpecially important stuff that you share with him. If he is not gonna be seriuos and do a no contact letter and do what is nessesary to recover with you, IE the marriage builder books and possibly Dr harley counselling.I strongly suggest the counselling.

Its no surprize you want to hand him his azz. In a month though you might heal and want reconcilliation and all the emotional damage CAN be healed. Getting back a harmonius marrige will be easier if you have no contact at all untill he does a No Contact Letter and is seriuos.

I can't believe it, I couldn't find a copy of a No contact letter or Plan B letter anywhere an I have to run.

Someone else probably will post one to you on monday when the forums are more active.

I don't really qualify as a Vet here.

I am just concerned that your well justified emotional reaction of anger from His betrayl will evntually wear off and you will want a total reconcilliation and you don't have a plan.

Most marriages have problems with fidelity, the ones that last are the ones that learn how to overcome it. Thats what MB teaches, how to overcome and have even a better marriage than before. Yes really, even better. But you have to follow the advice and Plan they lay out or you have false recoverys or a crippled marrige that just gets patched up.

Its up to both of you to do this, after all it is your marriage, not ours or Dr Harleys. He just gives you the tools and helps you use them efficiently. In the end your marriage will be uniquly yours still because only you two can make it happen.

Ok , He won't leave? I don't believe that he can't stay at his parents but even so he can go to a motel untill he makes other arrangements.

Am I clear on this fact. IS he still insisting he see the other woman? Just checking here cuz if he stops then its a whole different plan. NC letter and the beginning of restoration.

I don't know of any leagal way to get him out that won't push him towards the OW. NC letter is the best solution if he is ready to reconcile. I understand you probably hate him right now and want to be away from him but I hope you will be able to work on the marriage if he agrees on NC. The anger will pass but the pain of betrayal will be his to heal over time.


Someone else here can give you advice about how to get him out if he is refusing and still wants to see other woman. Thats so abusive it should be against the law.

Oh yeah, don't you leave the house. He can use that in a divorce issue as abandonment.

You can put his stuff outside and change the locks when he is at work?

Call his freinds and relatives and tell them you did so?

If he is paying rent and his name is on the lease I don't know what will happen though.

What are the laws in your state? Call the town clerks office and ask how you can get him out and get temporary custody of the children either way.

Here is a plan B letter I stole off of newpetals thread. You can modify it so it can meet with your personal situation, but you can use this as an example.

Dearest WH,

I am so sorry our marriage has come to this. I recognize my part in our relationship that created an environment where you became vulnerable to another woman's attentions.

I have learned to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict between us. I want to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs and creates a loving home for our children. But we cannot do that until you end all contact with POSOW once and for all, and commit to having her out of our lives completely.

Until then, I hope you will understand when I say that I cannot see you or talk to you anymore. IM has agreed to be our intermediary, and she will help in making it easy for you to see your children, as we discussed. Our only contact should be in the case of emergency about the children.

Please understand my decision to separate from you this way. It is too painful for me to live with you any longer as long as you are also with her and do not want to have a marriage with me. I love you very much, and need to preserve that love so that I will still want to recover our marriage when you end your affair. I ask that until you are ready to end your affair with POSOW and focus on our marriage and family, you leave our home.

The way back home is simple: end all contact; be completely transparent with me with your phone, emails, and time; be truly repentant for the damage you caused; and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.

I look forward to the day when we can begin to rebuild our family and begin the rest of our lives together as a family. I want nothing more than to be your partner through life, and your best friend and confidante in all matters - you have always been mine. We can have a stronger marriage built on trust, love, honesty, and teamwork.

I loved you from the day I met you and I continue to love you right up to this moment. I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other.

Yesterday and today WH has been PLAN A-ing me!!! Being the best husband and father ... like i have never seen him before! However, no attempt to end it with OW. Anyway, I have been telling him all weekend he needed to leave Sunday (today). I know he wasn't taking me seriously. I am WAY too nice. ANYWAY ... I ended up getting MAD and told him angrily ... he cried, he tried several times to tell me he wanted to work on our marriage. (which I have heard twice before and TWICE he was still with OW). And I reminded him that MY husband WOULD NOT have a girlfriend. So I think he is sleeping in his car. Whatever. I don't care where he is ---he just can't be here if he is still seeing OW. I told him when he gets his head out of his a$$ and he's ready to work, and I mean HARD WORK, then he can let me know.

I told him he can come to the house once I leave for work to get ready for work. But there is to be no chit-chat between us -- no coming here when he knows I am here, call only to say he is coming by the house to get clothes, whatever, so I can go elsewhere ... and definately no family days.

I know it's a weak plan B. I did write him a letter, but I told him instead. I still have the letter on the dresser.

I have a feeling he will try to come back tomorrow. I sincerely doubt you can have your life figured out in one day.

You guys were right on the exposure thing. For me, it has a double benefit. Not only in aiding to stop the A and keep it from happening again, but I feel a bit of relief that I am not carrying this terrible secert alone.

Now that FIL knows and talked to WH yesterday, I think he sees how much hurt he has caused -- everyone.
I broke down and told my brother. We are so very close. It broke my heart that he cried when I told him. But it was best to tell.

I have drafted a letter for some of his family (aunts, cousins) and I am going to send it tomorrow.

I am so very thankful for everyone on here. Kind words, support ...

By the way, why do I feel bad that he is sleeping in his car and it is absolutely pouring down rain here? I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do...like I want to call and tell him to come home ... GOTTA STAY STRONG>>>GOTTA STAY STRONG ...

I adapted a letter from (I think) schoolbus and this is what I am sending to some family members ... I really hope MIL doesn't get mad that I am sending it. She has been so very supportive of me this whole time. I think she and FIL are humiliated that their son did this to me. Then again, guess what??? Did HE care how anyone else was going to feel about this ? NO!!! ... OK, back to the letter ... hope it sounds ok ...

Dear Family,
It is painful for me to write this to you, but I feel I should be honest with everyone.

I recently discovered that H has been having an affair for the past year. I want for him to stop his affair because I love him and want our marriage to be restored. I truly believe that our marriage CAN recover from this affair, and I am prepared to forgive him and work on the problems and issues we have, but we can�t do that until he completely rids our lives of his affair partner. I thought our marriage was a great marriage until the affair began, but now I recognize that we need to do some work on it. Please help me and our children to maintain an intact family. If anyone can help to discourage this infidelity and encourage H to work on our marriage, I know we can become stronger in spite of this.

I am devastated beyond belief. I can�t eat, I can�t sleep, some days I can�t catch my breath. I would do anything to save my marriage and my family. I love H with my whole heart, but I can�t begin to repair the damage this has done to our marriage until he stops his infidelity.

This has not only affected DD1, DD2, and myself, but MIL, FIL and SIL are severely hurt as well.

If any one has any advice, encouragement or support, it would be greatly appreciated. Please keep us in your prayers as we try to heal and regain our marriage and our family.
Love, BS

I can't bring myself to write the message to OW's FB friends although MelodyLane does have a great one. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel strong enough to do it.

Ok, so I am on my third post in a row of the night. It's 5am here and I have not slept yet -- work is going to be a fun one tomorrow (I mean today, in one hour I have to get up). Yet another lie discovered -- WH was saying today that he didn'tknow why or how they got back together after he called OW in front of me to break it off. So 4am and I text her and ask why she couldn't leave him alone -- I figure OW is up, HOs don't sleep at night, do they? Anyway -- she says he never broke it off. I txt her saying I was there when he called and she was mad. Her response was "oh, the day you forced him with bribery to call me? He called me the very next day"
So I know we are in plan B, but I was FURIOUS (by the way I think he is sleeping in his car on the other side of our house). I txt him telling him here is his memore refresher and forward both txt to him. I also told him I ALMOST felt bad for him sleeping in his car -- I even almost believed he cared about me the way he was crying when he left. Suprise .. another fat lie.
Is there such a thing as Habitual Liar Syndrome? If so, WH has it FOR SURE.

I think MIL is feeling bad for him since he's sleeping in his car. Wait until I tell her about this ...

Right now, I really dont know if I can ever be with him again. Every single word is a LIE. I think that's something you just can't stop.

Great job getting him out and he will live sleeping in his car one night. Im sure that someone will give him a couch to sleep on.

It would be best if he doesn't see you at all while in plan B. Is there some way you can make it happen and show him you really mean bussiness?

Did you get or order the books from Dr Harley yet? You will need them.

Great you exposed. Time is needed to work. Who have you exposed?
How did WH meet the OW?

NO! This is VERY COMMON for waywards!!!

My H lied about so much during his A, even about things he didn't need to lie about. The FOG was so thick it wasn't funny.

AGAIN: Your H is not special. This is very normal.

You are angry and hurt. I get you. But don't let the anger overshadow the big picture. If your H would agree to NC, 100% transparency, O&H, and coaching with Steve Harley, things could turn around...like they did for me and many others here.

Remember, the A usually doesn't end w/o a good exposure...so try to keep in mind this is out of the wayward handbook that your H was unable to end the A on his own.

SO the goal right now is to bust up the A. Try not to look too much further than that.

The exposure email you have is great and I would follow through with exposure on OW. The timing couldn't be much better. You have already done some damage to the fantasy of their A...so finish the job up.

Very out of character for me, but I have turned into a force to be reckoned with. OW doesn't know who she has messed with.

MIL said H was at work with his head on his desk sobbing today. Good for him. I can't feel bad. I've done several months worth of sobbing. And he hasn't cared once.

He wrote me a letter and left it at the house for me. Telling me he needed kicked out, how sorry he was, how I am the best person and the best thing that could have happened to him, he wants to be a better person, husband and father, he will do anything to make this up to me ... told me he wanted to get me a new car (since mine is 100 years old) ... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ...

So, do I believe it? I think he needs another night in the car. MIL/FIL refuse to let him sleep at their house. He's too embarrassed to ask a friend, so his only other option is OW and he's not going there either. I found his car parked on the other side of our house last night.

I feel like his words are total lies still.

How long should I leave him sleep in the car? He can't possibly know what he wants in a few short hours overnight. Please. He did say he needed his own personal counseling as well as counseling for the two of us.

Words are just words right now ... I feel like they mean nothing. I have NEVER in my life been so angry, NEVER. I feel like I am not myself, but another who I don't even know.

So, when do I believe it??
He will somehow have to PROVE without a single doubt it is over between the two of them... that's for him to worry about how to do it.

I am on an exposure train. I sent letters to family members, I sent a message to one of her facebook friends ... I may need to tell more. (Do I just hit "send this person a message"? -- just hoping I did it right)

Did I read on here something about signing a post-nup or something? Please lead me to the thread if there is. WH's cousin is an attorney, maybe he can help us. I thought about something like if he is with OW or any other affair partner, then he relinquishes all contact with me and our children. Can you do that legally?

I feel like these past 3 days have lasted for eternity. Maybe because I have only slept about 4 hours since Thursday night.

OW is the SIL of an old friend of H's. H is a realtor -- he showed her a house, they went back to her house to make an offer, and BAM -- the start of a disgusting A. GROSS !!!

So, what is my next step with WH?

Is there a link to order the books? -- Oh wait, I see a tab for bookstore --- DUH!!

When I left my husband and kids it only took me 6 hours till I realized I wanted to come back home, I was staying with my sis in Colorado. Anyway, Wheels didn't want me to come back not because he wanted to torture me, but because HE WASN'T really ready for me to come back. He need that time for him, to calm him self down, get him FIX before I was there. Because honestly he said he wouldn't been able to do it (fix the marriage) out of everything I have done to him.

So I suggest you do the same, it took wheels 10 days till he was ready for me to come back, and he said he would of wanted another week.

SapphireReturns, I am glad you are here, always giving such great insight to the "other side" of things.
Thanks

You're right. Words are words, very easily said. Your WH seems to being feeling pretty sorry for himself right now. He needs to turn that around - he needs to feel sorry for what he has done to YOU, and I'm not sure that's the case.

Don't get me wrong - it sounds very positive. But it is too soon, IMO. I'm afraid that if you let him come home too quickly he'll backslide, and now you've got a backslider in the house.

Let him get a motel room if he doesn't like the car. Set your recovery bar HIGH. Have you made a list of requirements - what needs to happen for him to be able to come home?